<> insomnia, = racing thoughts

sorabji.com: Insomnia: <> insomnia, = racing thoughts

By Margret on Friday, September 30, 2005 - 12:28 am:

    haven't been sleeping well for a couple of months. i stay awake until a couple of hours before i have to get up for work, or an hour, or i don't sleep at all, and i write things down in longhand. i'd love to transcribe them, but the only time i'm motivated to do this is when i can't sleep and then i don't want to leave the light on in my office because i don't want to keep the boy up. i can dial in from home, and i do, and i type shit up - but if i already wrote it down then i don't want to recreate it from scratch, i want to edit it until it's pristine. and i can't see to read it to retype it to edit it to perfect it when it's after 11:00 p.m because that's pretty much lights out. so i go sit on the toilet in the bathroom where the cat litter is because that's the one that has a corner the light has to bend around and i write things down and i keep them in a strawberry shortcake folder that's falling apart. i didn't even like strawberry shortcake, she represented everything i hated about being myself as a child and she was a la mode when i was thinking of myself as not-child because i must have been in middle school. and i don't write anything good. i write business plans for the job that's got me so twisted around that mastrubation and singing across the universe in my head can't make me fall off no matter how much i try to apply mind balm with the jai guru deva om. sometimes, if i haven't read all my books that i want to read, i read. those are the bad nights; i can stop writing when my hand cramps up but i lost the filter that stops you reading when your eyes burn and the words are just scar tissue so so long ago. and every morning i feel just a little more like only coffee will keep me going and every night i feel just a little more dread about even trying to sleep. but it's not insomnia; the exhaustion does flip the switch eventually. i live in fear of the real deal; it would be like the recurring nightmare where something's wrong and you know someone can help but you keep dialing the phone wrong and even though you know exactly what you need you can't make it happen.

By p on Friday, September 30, 2005 - 10:31 am:

    try "google" search for jose silva method.
    it really really works.

By Spider on Sunday, July 28, 2013 - 12:58 am:

    I spent the day with my dad's crazy cat lady friend at the animal shelter looking at cats, trying to be as patient and game as I could with this crazy cat lady, feeling depressed and anxious as fuck in the shelter that was overcrowded, smelled terrible, was full of old desperate cats, pushing away the cat lady's 100 attempts to push me into getting cats I didn't want, had to go out to another pet store where some of the cats from this shelter are housed, had to go out to dinner and manage the crazy cat lady's crazy behavior in the restaurant, had to go back to the shelter to pick the two cats I wanted

    Wait there's more

    Spent too long there and then had to drive this woman all around town looking for a liquor store that would sell lottery tickets, more managing her crazy behavior,

    Then I get home at 10, having forgotten that I had told my dad I would be home before 7 to meet him for dinner and having forgotten my cell phone at home this day, and my dad is in my house on the phone to the police because he was so worried that I wasn't answering my phone and he didn't know where I was or why it would take me so long at the shelter

    So first, I think he's been watching too many Forensic Files shows and overreacted, but I felt sick for having made him worry so much about me, he was near tears when I came home

    I feel awful and run ragged from spending so much time around this troubled woman today. She has a good heart but she's a basket case and absolutely exhausting to be with all day. She has a horrible shrill voice and I'm still hearing it in my head.

    I feel gross from being at the shelter

    I feel totally overwhelmed at having chosen two cats -- I'm bringing them home on Thursday night because I was too overwhelmed to bring them home this late tonight and have to introduce them to their new house, etc. I'm not sure I made the right choice. They're a lot older than I had wanted to them to be (one is 7 and one is at least 9), and the older one looked kinda dirty but I felt so sorry for her because she's a nondescript black cat who had been at the shelter for five years. I don't even know if I want cats. At the shelter it took me a long time to want to pet them or hold them because I was afraid of them. I'm afraid of cats in general, to be honest. I don't know if I want them in my house. But I put the paperwork in and everything and I want to be committed to taking them home. I'm just operating under the veil of my horrible feelings right now. They were very sweet and affectionate in the shelter, at least. I'm afraid they're going to hurt me or each other. Little Micio may have been timid as fuck but she never so much as hissed at me.

    So now I'm in bed and trying to decompress from the day and I can't because I feel like a sponge, having sucked up all this negative shitty energy today, and I can't think of a way to wring it all out of me so I can get to sleep. I just feel so awful for scaring my father so badly. He's okay now and I hugged him and apologized three times, but gah.

    I took a Benadryl over an hour ago but it's clearly not strong enough to overpower this gross puke-green aura I must surely be emitting. So I'm dealing with this in the time-honored tradition of visiting this messageboard and spewing stream-of-consciousness crap until sleep overtakes me.

    I did this once when I was having a panic attack in college.

    Someone needs to invent the equivalent of a long, hot shower for your psyche.

    I do feel a little better now. Time to record this for posterity.

By Antigone on Sunday, July 28, 2013 - 02:20 am:

    Yo, have you been taking magnesium? :)

By Spider on Sunday, July 28, 2013 - 07:56 am:

    Yes, I am! 250 mg magnesium citrate once a day.

    Tomorrow I'm going to make an appointment with a therapist.

By Ms. Pepper on Sunday, July 28, 2013 - 11:40 am:

    Spider, I would never take Benadryl again, it makes me throw tantrum.

By Antigone on Sunday, July 28, 2013 - 12:49 pm:

    Not enough. :) Slowly raise that to 500mg, as your bowels
    allow, and don't take it all at once. 250mg before sleep is
    good. Spread the rest of it out if you can, but just taking it in
    the morning is fine as well.

By Ms. Pepper on Sunday, July 28, 2013 - 01:10 pm:

    Which one of the weigh loss will works for me? Green coffee beans or Garcinia Cambogina?

By Antigone on Sunday, July 28, 2013 - 03:19 pm:

    Try cutting refined carbs first.

By Ms. Pepper on Sunday, July 28, 2013 - 05:07 pm:

    I wonder what droopy been up to lately? seems that he vanished from radar again. I really loved to hear it from him again..

By droopy on Monday, July 29, 2013 - 02:30 am:

    you don't want to hear from me. i have problems
    that all the magnesium in the world couldn't fix.

    today while i was going through downtown to get my
    dinner (turkey sandwich and a bottle of wine) i
    passed by a young blue jay just standing on the
    sidewalk. it was clearly its first time out of the
    nest. it seemed unafraid and even fascinated by
    the city. as i passed by, you could hear the
    mother calling to it. i was a little afraid she
    might make a dive for me, but she didn't. it was
    still there when i passed by again. i hope the
    little bastard finally made it back to its nest.

By Spider on Thursday, August 1, 2013 - 04:09 pm:

    So the cat adoption is not going through.

    I found at last night through the crazy family friend that one of the cats has chronic IBS and is on a special diet and multiple medications, and I thought that for my first pet of my own in my life I should have some kind of easy learning curve, not a cat with known incurable health problems.

    Also I didn't like that the shelter didn't tell me about the cat's medical condition when I put in my bid for adoption on Saturday, and that they didn't communicate this with me directly but passed on the information through the family friend.

    And I didn't get the other cat because she was elderly, and I would like to get two youngish adults who are a bonded pair.

    So there's that.

By Spider on Thursday, August 1, 2013 - 04:11 pm:

    Those poor cats, though. :( Hopefully some kinder soul up to the challenge will come along and love them more than I did.

By Ms. Pepper on Thursday, August 1, 2013 - 08:22 pm:

    So, the animal shelter staff didn't communicate with you well. You should file it with Angie's List. This should wise up the animal shelter's staffs in no time.

By Spider on Thursday, August 1, 2013 - 11:07 pm:

    Nah, it's okay. I got two other cats :)

    They are pretty awesome. One is a grown cat who had been dumped in the shelter's parking lot. The other is a kitten. They're a bonded pair, but they're not related -- they became friends when the shelter took them to a pet store to be adopted out and they shared a cage.

    I think I'm going to name them Raphael (big cat) and Tobias (little cat). Raphael the archangel was Tobias' guardian angel in the Old Testament.

    Raphael the cat is sweet and calm, but very bold -- after I brought the cats home, he hid under the bed for a couple minutes and then promptly began exploring the entire house. Tobias was scared and hid under the bed for a while until Raphael came and meowed at him, and then Tobias crawled out and joined him. A little while later, Tobias was hiding behind a couch in another room, and the same thing happened -- Raphael went over to the couch and meowed at him, and Tobias came running out, rubbing up against him, and walking with him for a while as they explored more of the house. This is so cute.

    I don't know where they are now, but I just heard a sound like a herd of elephants on the second floor, so they must be playing.

By semillama on Wednesday, August 7, 2013 - 10:46 am:


By Spider on Wednesday, August 7, 2013 - 12:30 pm:

    Here are some pictures:


    Raphael (he has many names, not sure if this one will stick -- I usually just call him The Big Guy) has become my buddy and has been sleeping on my bed each night. I don't know where the little guy sleeps but it's usually not with me. The two of them sleep all day together in the closet, though.

    Raphael is the nicest, calmest cat I've ever known. He's very serious and doesn't play very much or like it when the little cat tries to play with him, but he loves to be pet and will purr very quietly within seconds of being touched, or flops over for a belly rub. He doesn't have a whole lot of patience for Tobias and I've seen him pin the Tobias down and nip him on the neck, but Tobias seems fine and doesn't make a sound -- I figure this is Raphael's way of teaching the kitten to behave.

    Tobias (aka the Little Guy aka Piccolino) is just your typical kitten. He was apparently well-socialized in foster care and has yet to nip or scratch me. He does pester the big cat too much, though, and I try to wear him out with playing with a laser light and other toys so he'll give Raphael a break.

By The Watcher on Thursday, August 8, 2013 - 05:47 am:

    Spider they are very cute.

By platypus on Thursday, August 8, 2013 - 10:48 pm:

    Yay kitties! They are so adorable. Raphael looks a lot like my big
    cow cat. I'm glad you found a pair of cats you could feel good about
    instead of being pressured into adopting a pair who wouldn't have
    been a good fit for you.

    (Also, five YEARS?! in a shelter? WOW.)

By Spider on Friday, August 9, 2013 - 09:05 am:

    I know, the poor thing. :(

    Well, Raphael is a sick cat. He's been having what I thought were hairball attack with no hairballs, but after some research it seems they might be asthma attacks. I took a closer look at the paperwork I got when I adopted him, and on his medical info it says he has a stage 4 heart murmur -- no one pointed this out to me before, during, or after the adoption, and that kind of pisses me off. Apparently, heart murmurs can cause coughing, so I'm hoping he can just be on heart meds because apparently steroids for asthma are hard to administer.

    He's a super sweet cat and we've grown attached, so I'm not going to give him back, but I would have like to known that he was sick before I adopted him because that was what I was trying to avoid, you know?

    Anyway, he's got a vet appt this morning, so we'll see what happens.

By Spider on Friday, August 9, 2013 - 12:52 pm:

    My dad took Raphael to the vet for me since I can't take off work this week. Here's the situation:

    His heart murmur isn't as severe as his medical records say. He was probably just stressed out from being dumped at the shelter, but he will be seeing the cardiologist next week to confirm. (That will be $350 and he only takes cash/checks. Yay.)

    He probably has asthma -- vet gave him a steroid shot and told me to film any attacks. (Hey, this might have been why he was dumped by his previous owner.) I'm going to make his home as allergen- and dust-free as I can. I already use dust-less cat litter.

    He had a fever and possible infection in his back right paw. I noticed a day or two ago that he wouldn't let me handle that one paw, but I couldn't see any injury or broken skin. I asked my dad if they had taken x-rays of his leg but he said he didn't know (? - my dad also never asks follow-up questions, but he said the vet left me a list of notes and instructions, so I'll read them when I get home and hopefully get the full story). The steroid shot should take care of the fever.

    My dad brought him home and said he already seems more alert and wanted to eat.

    So, Jesus, no wonder the big guy seemed so calm and sleepy. Poor thing was sick, and I didn't know because I've only known him for a week.

    And on a related note, I was finally moved to make an appointment for myself to see a psychologist for anxiety and depression. It will be in two weeks, four days before I get tested for ADD.

By The Watcher on Sunday, August 11, 2013 - 05:37 am:


    If you have Depression they may diagnose you with ADD. I truly believe that that would be a wrong diagnosis because they diagnosed me as ADD but I did not have those type of symptoms until the depression got bad. Before the depression I had none of the problems they use for diagnosing ADD.

    If you have Depression welcome to the club. You will need a lot of support. You will need a psychiatrist, a therapist, and you should find a support group.

By The Watcher on Wednesday, August 14, 2013 - 04:31 am:


    I have had the idea that one of these days you and I have got to meet.

    You are the closest Sorabjiite to me.

    I know I'm a little nuts. But, I'm not "that" crazy.

By semillama on Wednesday, August 14, 2013 - 01:12 pm:

    My co-worker has a cat with asthma and she has an inhaler for it - basically it's like an oxygen mask you put over the cat's mouth. I guess this cat's asthma attacks are pretty serious. Hope your cat is better off!

By Spider on Thursday, August 15, 2013 - 12:03 am:

    I took a video of him yesterday morning when he had an attack
    while drinking from the sink.


    This attack wasn't as bad as others I've seen him have -- it only
    lasted about 30 seconds, and he wasn't coughing that forcefully.
    He also went right back to lapping up water like nothing had

    I've watched a few youtube videos from vets talking about feline
    asthma, and one of them said exercise aversion is common in
    asthmatic cats, and boy, that would explain why this guy does
    not play with anything. He will wrestle with the kitten and will
    run in brief spurts to get away from him, but otherwise he walks
    around the house slowly and does not have much of a play drive
    at all. (He does love rubbing his catnip mouse all over his face,

    Tomorrow at 9 is his cardiologist appointment.

By Spider on Thursday, August 15, 2013 - 12:05 am:

    Ah, fuck this browser. I had to resort to using Safari because
    Firefox suddenly will not open any links I click on, and I'm too tired
    to figure out why right now.

By Spider on Thursday, August 15, 2013 - 12:05 am:

By The Watcher on Thursday, August 15, 2013 - 03:55 am:

    That's not necessarily an asthma attack. Occasionally all of my cats have done the same thing. Just before or after coughing up a hair ball.

By Spider on Thursday, August 15, 2013 - 11:14 am:

    Back from the vet --

    My big cat has a stage III heart murmur and asthma. He's going to be on a beta-blocker for his heart and an anti-inflammatory drug for his asthma possibly for the rest of his life. He'll get another checkup in six months.

    The cardiologist was really late, so my poor cat was crying in his carrier for an hour. But he was so docile when he was being examined, everyone was praising him for being such a sweetheart. He really is, he's the nicest cat I've ever met. He purrs as soon as I touch him, and he follows me around from room to room.

By The Watcher on Friday, August 16, 2013 - 04:40 am:

    I hope he gets better with the meds.

By Ms. Pepper on Friday, August 16, 2013 - 08:13 pm:

    Pets are your best friend and they keeps your health in good spirit!

By The Watcher on Tuesday, August 20, 2013 - 03:03 am:

    I don't think I would be alive today without my cats. The girl keeps everyone in line. And, the boy provides comedy relief.
    What more could I ask for.

By Ms. Pepper on Tuesday, August 20, 2013 - 10:20 am:

    Oh, well, listening to comedy is good for me.

By Spider on Tuesday, August 20, 2013 - 04:41 pm:

    The big dumb cat refuses to take his meds and will not listen to reason.

    Last night I had to force him to eat one medicine by smearing a big smear of soft cheese (with pill inside) on his paw so he'd be forced to lick them off. He sulked all night and I didn't get a chance to give him the other, but tonight I am determined. I will besmirch two paws at the same time if I have to.

By The Watcher on Tuesday, August 20, 2013 - 06:32 pm:

    Giving cats meds is such fun. Try hooking one up to an IV singlehandedly. Now that is really fun. Especially if you are needle phobic.

By Ms. Pepper on Tuesday, August 20, 2013 - 08:08 pm:

    Insert the pill, then push the pill using finger, they will swallow.

By The Watcher on Thursday, August 22, 2013 - 03:10 am:

    You have to lift their head back first. Then you put in the pill. The further back it goes the easier it is.

By sarah on Thursday, August 22, 2013 - 03:25 pm:

    all of that, plus hold the cat's mouth shut until
    you can see it make a swallow.

By Ms. Pepper on Thursday, August 22, 2013 - 08:11 pm:

    Everyone is entitled to their opinion how to make pet to swallow the pills.

By The Watcher on Friday, August 23, 2013 - 03:50 am:

    Some of us have been shown the process by a vet. Of course when you get home it never works.

By Spider on Friday, August 23, 2013 - 09:40 am:

    The crazy cat lady friend of the family is coming over tomorrow to show me how to get the cat to swallow the pills. I've never made a cat open his mouth before and I don't want him to bite me.

    He is so stubborn. He's stopped eating the treats with the pills, he refuses to lick the cheese or peanut butter with the pills inside from my finger, if I smear pills in peanut butter on his paw he will fling it off... that little beast.

    I don't blame him, I know the medication is really bitter and he probably interprets that taste as poison. I wish there were some way to communicate with him that this was for his own good and just suck it up.

    Plus the cat and the kitten have been playing really roughly lately -- I know they're still buds because they still groom each other and nap together -- and I found a tuft of white fur (the older cat's) in the living room yesterday. He needs to take his heart and lung meds if he's going to be running around and wrestling a lot.

    Goddamn, I didn't want to get a chronically ill cat. I don't need the added worry.

    Speaking of which, my first therapy session is tonight. Wish me luck.

By Ms. Pepper on Friday, August 23, 2013 - 02:10 pm:

    I can't have cats in my place, I am allergic to cats. We have dogs here....so much for taking dogs out and pooper scooping after them.

By Spider on Friday, August 23, 2013 - 10:06 pm:

    I'm trying to find a post Margret made here years ago about wanting to form a band with other women, and they would never smile onstage. Fierce, Greek Fury-like, unsmiling women playing uncompromising music.

    I found a band that reminded me of Margret's vision.


    Margret would of course be cooler. I wonder what she's up to.

By droopy on Saturday, August 24, 2013 - 02:32 am:

    hope the therapy session went well. if you went.

    i remember margret posting an old video her and
    her band doing "you shook me all night long."
    didn't she go on to work in a law firm in new
    mexico or someplace?

    fierce, greek fury-like, unsmiling women playing
    uncompromising music. i've been listening to furry
    lewis. he makes me smile.

By The Watcher on Saturday, August 24, 2013 - 05:16 am:

    Spider please tell us how the therapy session went.

By Spider on Saturday, August 24, 2013 - 08:13 pm:

    I went. I was incredibly nervous and talked too much and cried a little and I must have seemed manic, but the therapist was very calm and soothing and said we'd be working on mindfulness and emotional regulation.

    She seemed to think I was basically high-functioning and not a basket case. She noticed I had problems maintaining emotional boundaries -- i.e., if you're upset I will feel upset and try to soothe you so that I feel soothed -- and that because anxiety makes me run on autopilot and not allow myself to register what I'm thinking and feeling in the moment (only what you're feeling and might be thinking), I don't feel comfortable with myself. Or...something like that.

    I don't know. I was on anxiety autopilot in her office, so I don't remember everything she talked about.

    Fortunately, now that I've met her and have some idea what to expect, I don't think I'll be nervous the next time I go, so I'll be more myself and be more attentive.

    She didn't think I had ADD but said my lack of attention was probably related to the anxiety. I don't know about that -- I have a hard time paying attention even to things I enjoy even when I'm very calm -- but we'll find out when I'm tested for it on Tuesday.

    Anyway, it was a promising experience and my homework is to read up on mindfulness and any kind of Eastern meditation practice. Next session is on 9/6.

By Spider on Saturday, August 24, 2013 - 08:19 pm:

    BTW, the cat lady friend came over this morning and had brought with her a dog-sized pill syringe. She stuffed it with a pill and an entire bay scallop, then proceeded to try to administer this huge wad of food down my cat's throat via the enormous syringe. To her surprise, the cat got upset and scratched the hell out of her hand.

    She made him gag and freak out twice before she let me convince her to quit torturing him and let him go.

    So it will be pills smeared in cheese across his paw from now on.

By Antigone on Saturday, August 24, 2013 - 08:33 pm:

    1) Wrap kitty in a towel.

    2) place thumb and forefinger where kitty's jaw connects to

    3) squeeze and kitty's mouth will open.

    4) feed pill

    5) shut kitty's mouth and let them swallow

    Easy peasy.

By droopy on Sunday, August 25, 2013 - 02:32 am:

    glad to hear things were promising. i know in the
    first few sessions you and the therapist are feeling
    each other out.

By The Watcher on Sunday, August 25, 2013 - 03:45 am:

    It sounds like we have a few things in common. My therapist says I have boundary issues too.

    Good luck with your sessions and the cat.

    Antigone is right in the process. I would add tilt the cats head back and LIGHTLY tap it's nose, so they lick it. When they do that it pushes the pill back further so they have to swallow it.

    And, I wouldn't say "Easy peasy" at all.

By Antigone on Sunday, August 25, 2013 - 07:40 am:

    The towel wrap is essential. :)

By Ms. Pepper on Sunday, August 25, 2013 - 01:01 pm:

    Or papoose for pet would be suffice.

By The Watcher on Monday, August 26, 2013 - 07:33 am:

    Do not forget plenty of bandages.

    Not for the cat.

    They are for you:-)

By Ms. Pepper on Monday, August 26, 2013 - 01:40 pm:


By Danielssss on Monday, August 26, 2013 - 06:13 pm:

    magnesium citrate and plenty pof sex usually works, for the cat or you. wrapped in towel. yep.

By Spider on Tuesday, August 27, 2013 - 04:53 pm:

    Back from the neurologist and, welp, I have ADD.

By The Watcher on Tuesday, August 27, 2013 - 09:12 pm:

    Don't put to much stock in that diagnosis. Depression and anxiety are usually the result of unbalanced brain chemistry. This causes a lot of symptoms. The criteria they use for ADD are some of the same as depression. I think they just love to tack on diagnoses.

By droopy on Wednesday, August 28, 2013 - 01:12 am:

    well, now we know what's wrong with the man who
    has spent years on these boards reveling in his
    own depression: unbalanced brain chemistry.

    not to tack on a diagnosis.

    i don't claim to have much knowledge of
    psychology, but i hope spider doesn't think she's
    sentenced to ADD. now it's just the devil you

    i spent this evening in the park reading a book
    about, in part, san francisco being overrun by
    vampire cats. while drinking wine, i might add. i
    returned it to the library and checked out a book
    of roald dahl short stories. the cover has the
    blurb: "the mind of roald dahl is quintessentially
    wicked and nasty."


By The Watcher on Wednesday, August 28, 2013 - 01:48 am:

    That could be applied to any of us!

    At least I like to think of myself as wicked and nasty.

By Spider on Wednesday, August 28, 2013 - 09:30 am:

    You are so square, it's ridiculous.

    I don't feel sentenced. The screening was actually pretty basic and relied a lot on self-report, so there's a piece of me that wonders if I have it after all.

    When I went to the pharmacy to fill my prescription, the attendant said my insurance company refused to pay for the meds because I'm over 19. The pharmacy will ask my doctor to work that out with the insurance and hopefully I can get the meds next week. I will be on the lowest dose with the option to build if necessary.

    One of the side-effects is insomnia. Oh, and I just realized I mentioned depression to the doctor but didn't say anything about anxiety. Fuck, I hope the meds don't make that worse.

By Antigone on Thursday, August 29, 2013 - 12:50 am:

    Cal up your doc's office and ask about it.

    Also there's probably lots of info online. Just google "
    <drug_name> anxiety"

By Spider on Thursday, August 29, 2013 - 10:07 am:

    It's adderall, and I googled "adderall anxiety" and the first page was nothing but links suggesting adderall can be used to treat anxiety, so...yay?

    Once I start taking it, I have to call the neurologist within 2 weeks to let him know how I'm doing, so if it does make me a jittery mess, at least I'm being monitored.

    If I haven't heard from the insurance company today, I'll call the doctor.

    It's funny, now I wonder if so many things I experience are due to ADD. That feeling of wanting to jump out of my skin at meetings, while standing in line at the grocery store, while sitting in class, while writing papers, while answering emails, while trying to work at work, etc. etc.....maybe that's the ADD and it will go away once I'm on medication.

    That problem I have when talking to people at work about work stuff, where it feels like I'm listening to them through static and I walk away not quite sure what it was we talked about.

    The reason I have a much better memory for facts rather than for things I've done and experienced (because they don't sink in, because I'm not really paying attention).

    The reason a friend of mine teases me for having three settings -- "spaced out", "medium," and "laserbeam".

    The way, once in a while, I get really interested in a task and can do it for hours without stopping (no bathroom breaks, no meals) -- brought that up to the neurologist and he said it's called hyperfocus and is a common feature of ADD/ADHD.

    And so on.

    I'm really curious to see what medication will do for me. What will it be like to actually be able to concentrate at work?

By droopy on Friday, August 30, 2013 - 02:34 am:

    i'm curious, too.

By The Watcher on Sunday, September 1, 2013 - 03:45 am:

    Better living through chemistry.

By agathafrye on Thursday, September 5, 2013 - 02:39 am:

    I hope they gave you extended release? The regular Adderall made me really "up" and motormouthy followed by a big crash around 2pm. The extended release was just right.

By Spider on Thursday, September 5, 2013 - 10:29 am:

    Hi Agatha!

    Yep, that's what I got, and I finally was able to get my prescription filled last night! But I have decided to wait until Monday to start taking it!

    I have another appointment with my therapist tomorrow -- I wanted her to see me when I was myself and not super jittery from anxiety, and I thought the medicine might alter my behavior in some way. I'm not supposed to take it on the weekends and thought it would be stupid to take it for one day and then take a break for three.

    The crazy cat lady came by my house last night and because I had left the garage door open, she just came in and made herself at home. Then she tells me that she is going for surgery later this month and in case she dies, she has changed her will so that she will leave me her house and her pets. The paperwork is all drawn up and she is having it notarized today.

    I was sitting there thinking, "This is unreal. This is not really happening." So I didn't protest. I didn't think saying, "Oh no! I don't want this, please!" would have any effect on her, anyway.

    I did say, "Um, what about your two kids?" but apparently her kids are estranged from her and are messed up drug addicts or something.

    This is totally nuts, I don't want her house, I don't want her two dogs and six cats, I don't want any of this.

By Spider on Thursday, September 5, 2013 - 10:42 am:

    This is what I think of when I hear that someone has boundary issues: that they're invasive, they don't respect *your* boundaries, they overflow and spill into you.

    It never occurred to me that one could have defensive boundary issues, being unable to keep other people out.

    I am very aware of what my boundaries are and can sense when they are being violated, but I assume it will do no good to say stop, that I won't be listened to, that my attempts to assert myself won't be respected, so I don't bother.

By Antigone on Thursday, September 5, 2013 - 04:30 pm:

    I wouldn't call this a case of you being unable to keep other people
    out. It just sounds like crazy cat lady is...crazy. And also probably
    desperately lonely. But certainly crazy.

By Spider on Thursday, September 5, 2013 - 05:21 pm:

    She is, and she is. But thinking back on it now, there's no reason I shouldn't have said, "Whoa, thank you for the offer, but I really can't accept. I don't want the responsibility, and you really should have asked me first."

    The more I think about that, the more riled up I get.

    Plus I'm riled up because I just got scolded in front of most of the staff here at a meeting for admitting that I listen to music on earphones when I'm working (in a public space! the scandal!). I wanted to say, "EXCUSE ME, I have ADD, protected disability, QED. *smug face*" But I just looked blank as usual.

    I listen to music while I work (and chew gum and rock on my footstool) so the mindless tasks don't make me want to jump out the window. We'll see on Monday if the meds take the place of all that.

By droopy on Thursday, September 5, 2013 - 08:33 pm:

    fuck 'em, listen to the tunes. the let me listen to
    sun ra arkestra where i work, but my boss is a
    former jazz singer.

    try to dig up the annette hanshaw version of "nobody
    cares if i'm blue." it's on youtube. i'd link to it,
    but my links never work.

By The Watcher on Friday, September 6, 2013 - 03:44 am:

    Big deal that you listen to music while you work.

    A lot of people do that.

    How are the meds working so far? Why in the world would you be told not to take them over weekends?

By Spider on Friday, September 6, 2013 - 10:49 am:

    They don't work like other psych meds, in that they don't need to build up in your system over time and you don't have to gradually taper off usage. You can develop a tolerance to them, so you should only use them when necessary, i.e., when you're working. I'm going to start taking mine on Sunday in case they make me dizzy or otherwise impaired -- I want to know about that before I go to work with them in my system.

    I sound more insufferable than usual in my last post -- I was kidding about saying that at the meeting and would never do that.

    Droop, I know that song well and love it -- Annette Hanshaw is my favorite jazz singer. Have I talked about her before here? The search function isn't working properly. See if you can find "If You Want the Rainbow, You Must Have the Rain."

    Or, unrelated, Paul Whiteman and the Rhythm Boys (plus some guy named Bing Crosby) doing "So the Bluebirds and the Blackbirds Got Together" -- semi-decent audio

By droopy on Friday, September 6, 2013 - 01:09 pm:

    i haven't heard you mention her. i only recently
    discovered her. i had found the chords to the leon
    redbone version of "nobody cares...", which were so
    convoluted i tried to track down a recording. never
    found the redbone version, but i did find annette.

By The Watcher on Sunday, September 8, 2013 - 01:49 am:

    Please tell me, Spider you are not that young that you do not know who Bing Crosby was.

By droopy on Sunday, September 8, 2013 - 12:52 pm:

    please tell me, watcher, that you are not suffering
    from aids: absolute irony deafness syndrome.

By Spider on Sunday, September 8, 2013 - 09:38 pm:


    Annette Hanshaw was one of the most popular singers
    of her day, right up there with Ruth Etting and Helen
    Kane. She recorded between 1926-1934 and then quit
    after she married her manager (although there was a
    rumor that she got muscled out of the music business
    by Ruth Etting's husband). I don't know if she's up
    your alley, Droop, but if you ever feel like listening to
    some 1920s parlor music, give her the time. Her
    music is widely available on iTunes, believe it or not,
    and there are youtube playlists devoted to her.

    I think she's adorable. She sang solemn ballads and
    cute sprightly songs (like "Cooking Breakfast for the
    One I Love" -- one of my favorites) equally well. She
    also sang a bunch of tunes in a Betty Boop-style voice
    which...oh god, I just can't do. One is called "I Faw
    Down and Go Boom!" which tells you all you need to

    Paul Whiteman was one of my grandfather's favorite
    band leaders.

By droopy on Sunday, September 8, 2013 - 10:58 pm:

    she's up my alley. my first musical hero was
    actually leon redbone, who was frequently on
    saturday night live doing tin pan alley and
    depression-era songs. when i got my ukulele,
    that's what i wanted to play.

    i love annette hanshaw. her version of "nobody
    cares..." had such sweetness and yet it's such a
    sad-ass song. the right combination. i've been
    exploring the rest of her songs.

    i love billie holiday during her paul whiteman

    i'm listening to african music right now. the
    international show with chief zehaie, to be
    precise. it's a texas thang.

By Antigone on Monday, September 9, 2013 - 03:33 am:

    It's Benn Jordan all the way for me.

By The Watcher on Monday, September 9, 2013 - 05:08 am:


    Something else we share. I love Leon. I haven't listened to him in a while.

    I saw him perform live once as the warm up act for George Carlin at the Lyric Theater in Baltimore. The crowed loved him. That's when I became a fan.

By Spider on Monday, September 9, 2013 - 10:43 pm:

    Oh, man. I'm just delighted that you enjoy Annette so much. :) I love her to pieces -- I have about 125 of her songs on my ipod and I listen to them all the time, sing them in the shower, etc.

    There are interviews with her recorded when she was in her 70s up on youtube -- here's part 1 of one in which she says she hated her old recordings, hated the music business, loved to sing but hated to perform because she was so shy.

    She had a pretty speaking voice, even as an old woman. :) Gosh, I feel like I have a crush on her. Maybe it's the meds.

    Today was the first day I was on Adderall, and I didn't notice too much of a difference during the day, to be honest, besides feeling jittery around noon when the second wave of medication kicked in. I did get some chores done in the evening, and I was able to spend about 20-30 minutes playing the piano where I usually give up after 1-2, so maybe it does work.

    Tomorrow will be a tougher challenge: the first two episodes of Boardwalk Empire season 1 came from Netflix today. Can I watch them straight through without distraction?

By droopy on Tuesday, September 10, 2013 - 12:28 am:

    it's the ukulele. it sent me back to the days when
    i loved leon redbone and the cheap suit

    i read my first maigret novel this evening. the
    first half was in the park, while drinking wine.
    when i took a sip, i'd glance up from the book to
    see what was going on in park. to my right there
    were three people doing yoga. when i looked again,
    the three were doing backward bunny-hops. a few
    yards in front of them, in my line of view, a guy
    was vomiting in the grass. and vomiting...it went
    on for so long i had to look away.

    when i finished the chapter, he was gone.

    i went home and finished the book while listening
    to django rheinhardt. the name of the book, by the
    way, was "maigret and the bum."

By droopy on Wednesday, September 11, 2013 - 02:23 am:

    went back to the park this evening. had no food in
    the apartment, so i decided to picnic. went to
    walgreens and got a wedge sandwich and a couple of
    single-serve bottles of wine.

    some guy, a young white guy, was in the park with
    his electric guitar. he was ok, sort of a stevie
    ray vaughn as muzak. he was on the 7th street side
    by the big sculpture. mostly people ignored him.
    except for one woman, a black women say in her
    30s, laid down on the sidewalk in front of him.
    her feet sticking into the street.

    i had my sandwich, drank one of the bottles of
    wine, and read a roald dahl story from a book i
    had checked out at the same time i got the maigret

    when i finished the sandwich and the story, i
    rolled over to the library and returned the
    maigret book. i browsed the shelves and found a
    book by a japanese writer i'd never heard of. i
    put it in my lap and planned to check it out, but
    i found i'd forgotten to bring my library card.
    they probably would've let me check it out, but i
    put it back on the shelf and figured i'd get when
    i returned the dahl book.

    to remember it, i started to chant the name and
    author rhythmically: the theif, nakamura; the
    theif, nakamura. duh-dah, duh-duh-dah-dah; duh-
    dah, duh-duh-dah-dah.

    back at the park, i sat at a table across the
    street. the guy with the guitar was gone, but the
    woman was still lying on the sidewalk in the same
    position. i read another story and drank the other
    bottle of wine. at some point, i looked up and
    there was a guy - young white guy, looked like a
    jogger - standing over the woman. he was on the
    phone. he had obviously called 911. i finished the
    story and the wine, dragging it out to see what
    would happen. nothing did for quite a while. he
    stood there for a while, watching the street for
    someone to show up. finally he sat down on the

    obviously, "black woman lying on the sidewalk" was
    not a priority. i went back to walgreens and got
    one more bottle of wine. when i got back to the
    park it was dark. there were two cop cars there
    with the lights flashing. i thought i saw an
    ambulance. i was on the other side of the park; by
    the time i got to the side with the cops, the
    ambulance was gone. about 4 cops were leading the
    woman to a patrol car. she was quiet and orderly,
    and they were probably just taking her home.

By Spider on Sunday, October 20, 2013 - 06:21 pm:

    My kitten is missing and I'm afraid he's dead.

    I had to leave for a professional conference this morning at 9.
    My dad is staying over to watch the cats -- he was here
    yesterday and so were the cats, and the kitten was acting

    This morning as I was getting ready to leave, my dad said that he
    had heard both cats playing at 4-5 in the morning but now there
    was no sign of the kitten. We walked all around the house,
    looking in every conceivable corner, rustling the bag of cat treats
    (this usually brings him running). No sign of him. I had to leave
    at 9 to go across the state for this conference. I just called my
    dad at 5:00 and he says the kitten hasn't turned up all day. He
    looked everywhere, all over the basement, in all the boxes and
    closets and drawers, in all the rooms.

    This is completely unlike him to disappear -- he's very clingy.

    He either got loose and escaped, or he got trapped somewhere
    in the house and has suffocated. There's no sign of him. My dad
    says he's sure he didn't escape when my dad opened the garage
    door this morning, and I don't think he'd lie about that. He's
    only six months old and I can't imagine he'd know how to find
    his way back to the house or survive for long outside. He has a
    microchip but no collar, so maybe someone found him and took

    I'm so upset. I feel so helpless here and I want to go home to
    look for him, but I'm supposed to stay until Wednesday. I don't
    know what to do.

    My dad said the big cat was wandering the house and calling for
    his friend.

    My poor baby cat.

By Antigone on Monday, October 21, 2013 - 03:33 am:

    Cats are tougher than you think.

By Spider on Monday, October 21, 2013 - 09:21 am:

    I hope he escaped outside and is currently hunting
    to his heart's content. The little dude can catch flies
    out of the air. He could be feasting on mice, chipmunks,
    and birds right now.

    Or in a few days I'll wake up to a horrible stench and
    find him dead and eaten by maggots.

    Which one, which one

By Antigone on Monday, October 21, 2013 - 12:48 pm:

    If he was caught somewhere in the house you'd probably hear him

By droopy on Monday, October 21, 2013 - 01:46 pm:

    i think your other cat would've found him by smell
    if the kitten were still in the house, dead or

By Spider on Monday, October 21, 2013 - 05:31 pm:

    My dad just emailed me five minutes ago --

    I just looked outside, and there he was on the back deck!
    (How he got out I'll never know!)

    That little devil!

By Antigone on Monday, October 21, 2013 - 05:36 pm:

    Teachable moment here: when leaping to conclusions don't leap to
    the bad ones, leap to the good ones. The actual outcome will be
    the same no matter where you leap to, but when you leap to the
    bad conclusion you feel like shit while waiting to see what
    happened. What's the point of feeling like shit?

By Spider on Monday, October 21, 2013 - 05:38 pm:

    I bet he escaped when my dad opened the garage door.
    I've told him not to let the cats in there since neither
    one of them is timid like my brother's cat Micio, and
    neither one will hesitate before running outside.

    Thank God he's okay. I didn't sleep more than 4 hours
    last night since I was so worried about him (and about the
    presentation I had to give this morning, which went much
    better than expected).

    Now my other cat will sleep tonight, too. My dad emailed
    me this morning and said, "Brontolone [his nickname for
    Big Cat] will be waiting for you (I think he was lost last
    night, but he has to get used to these events)."

    Jeez, he even gives my cats Tough Love.

By Spider on Monday, October 21, 2013 - 05:43 pm:

    My philosophy is, "Prepare for the worst, so all surprises will
    be good surprises." I'd rather feel like shit for two days and have a
    happy ending than the reverse.

    Also, what I would like to tell my coworkers who worked
    ("worked") on the presentation with me -- it's easy to think
    "ah, it will all work out" but it worked out this time because
    I did the work to make sure it worked out. What did you

By droopy on Monday, October 21, 2013 - 08:29 pm:

    isn't that from the bible or somewhere?


    And, lo, one day a man troddeth on the road.

    And on that road he came upon a man who smote
    himself on the head repeatedly with a hammer.

    "Wherefore dost thou smite thineself with thine
    hammer?" queried the first. "Dost it not pain

    "Quite so," quoth the second man.

    "Then why shouldst thou smite thineself so?
    Perhaps as penance for a sin against our Lord?"

    "No," saith the man. "Because it feels so good
    when I stop"


By Spider on Monday, October 21, 2013 - 10:59 pm:

    You missed your calling, my friend. :)

By Antigone on Tuesday, October 22, 2013 - 01:48 am:

    The problem is that the feeling shit for two days does you no
    good, biochemically. It just tells your body that life is shitty. So
    it naturally responds with anxiety. It's a vicious cycle, but you
    can break it. You just have to choose to do so.

By Antigone on Tuesday, October 22, 2013 - 01:49 am:

    Also, you can do the work to make sure it all works out without
    the anxiety. The anxiety is completely unnecessary. You
    know the work needs to be done, so just do it. Ditch the
    destructive emotional baggage.

By Danielssss on Thursday, October 24, 2013 - 01:10 pm:

    somebody quick hand me the hammer

By droopy on Friday, October 25, 2013 - 12:31 pm:

    if i had a hammer, i'd hammer in the morning
    i'd hammer in the evening all over this land...


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