Eyes full of tears, I sat up in bed and wrote a list...

sorabji.com: Insomnia: Eyes full of tears, I sat up in bed and wrote a list...

By la on Friday, October 4, 2013 - 03:09 am:

    A lot of things I've been thinking about the last
    two months, with the traveling and the not working
    and the staying in other people's houses. At my
    aunt's I had a room and a bathroom and laundry and
    a kitchen practically to myself but I still didn't
    feel at home. Anyhow. The list.

    * I will love deeply and freely as only my own
    wild heart can comprehend.
    * I will practice self-care and accept help as
    * I will write my own definitions of prosperity
    and success.
    * I will dance and sing and craft and explore and
    create and laugh and refuse to differentiate
    between these things or they and everyday life.
    * I will foster community and art, particularly
    where it isn't so evident to start with, but
    wherever I am.
    * It's my party and I'll cry if I want to.
    * I will pursue friendships and collaborations.
    * I will shape the world, make it grow.
    * I will tell my anxiety to shut up, and tell it
    again, and tell it again.
    * I will make it work. If it doesn't work, I'll
    change my approach.
    * I will speak up when things don't feel right.
    * I will expect and see the best of the people
    around me. And myself.

By The Watcher on Friday, October 4, 2013 - 04:03 am:

    I will expect you to find yourself and get a well paying job that you love and is so much fun you never work a day in your life.

    No pressure there!

By la on Friday, October 4, 2013 - 04:44 pm:

    Have an interview on Monday to learn a trade.
    $13/hour to start (more than I've ever made on a
    consistent basis, wheee!), after two weeks they'll
    let me take a truck home. Full time hours,
    at 90 days. Y'know, things any person willing to
    put a few hours in should be able to get.

    It's one of those jobs without an office or a cash
    register. I'm in charge of my time and doing
    right. I can't wait.

By Pepper on Friday, October 4, 2013 - 08:10 pm:

    Hooray for la!

By The Watcher on Saturday, October 5, 2013 - 04:00 am:

    I second that!!

By semillama on Wednesday, October 9, 2013 - 02:30 pm:

    Congrats! Do what I failed to do: Sock away 10% of your paycheck into a savings account, unless you have a lot of debt.

    Have fun!

By Pepper on Wednesday, October 9, 2013 - 08:17 pm:

    I second what semillama said above. Believe me.

By Pepper on Wednesday, October 9, 2013 - 08:21 pm:

    The last couple of months, my subconscious been riding on my mind about me switching at birth are now fading away. I need to focus on new focal point.

By la on Wednesday, October 9, 2013 - 11:45 pm:

    Ugh.... was supposed to get a call about it
    today, but the phone never rang. Gonna try
    calling them tomorrow and asking.

    My parents paid off my student loans this summer.
    I had no idea it was going to happen, but I was
    talking to my dad one day and he said he'd mailed
    nelnet a check. I'm still a little dumbfounded.
    So now my debt is simply the credit card that
    helps me out between jobs and never takes more
    than a couple of months to pay off.

    The last few jobs I've had get me started on some
    hardcore budgeting: the necessary toward rent and
    bills, so much for incidental expenses, then
    anything extra split between saving and debts. I
    keep a tally of how much I put towards debt and
    let myself have a "fun fund" for things that
    aren't normal expenses when I have the liquidity.

    I'd like to have the freedom to donate a portion
    of my income towards causes: maybe helping others
    pay off their debt, or for for feline TNA
    programs, or maybe support the arts when I can.
    Keeping too much money (I don't need a lot) seems
    wrong. It shouldn't be sitting in my pocket
    decreasing in value over time. I'd rather see it
    go to use.

By la on Wednesday, October 9, 2013 - 11:47 pm:

    TNA? TNR. I love TNR.

By The Watcher on Thursday, October 10, 2013 - 05:03 am:

    la you need to save. If you can - just do it. If, god forbid, something ever happens to you - you will need a cushion.

By Spider on Thursday, October 10, 2013 - 09:22 am:

    You and I seem to be in a similar boat. At least, we're sailing in the same direction (in the fog? I don't know).

    I wrote my own list a couple weeks ago when I started therapy. Some of the items are the same as yours, although not as poetically written. :)

    I want:
    * to be able to stick up for myself
    ---openly express opinions and disagree with others
    ---set boundaries
    ---allow myself to say no
    ---allow myself to be disliked
    ---take stands
    ---do what I want or think is right even if it will cause awkwardness
    *to have more friends, to socialize more
    *to do social things by myself without fear
    *to find a better job, OR
    *to improve the job I have
    ---use my time more productively
    ---learn about new technologies
    ---learn more in general
    ---find ways to be creative
    *to practice creativity rather than fantasize about it
    ---voice or piano lessons to catch up
    ---learn to sew
    ---get back into drawing/visual art
    ---expand my cooking/baking horizons
    *to improve my fitness level
    *to open myself up to spirituality again

By Spider on Thursday, October 10, 2013 - 09:31 am:

    Oops, forgot to say:

    Don't think of saving money as keeping too much money -- you're not in the income bracket where it's possible to keep too much money. (Neither am I, nor is anyone here, I don't think.)

    Save your money; donate your time.

By la on Friday, October 11, 2013 - 01:53 am:


    One of the things I want to learn is lacemaking
    techniques. I've crocheted some lace and did some
    knitting that has some of the basic steps, but I'm
    thinking one of these days I'll get myself set up to
    weave bobbin lace. Maybe tatting to, but bobbin has
    a simplicity to the patterns that is appealing.

By Spider on Friday, October 11, 2013 - 04:34 pm:

    One of my old coworkers used to tat -- it's a very graceful art, where even your hand movements are beautiful and feminine. She tatted jewelery (mostly earrings).

    I'm trying to teach myself embroidery, specifically blackwork.

    As of now, "trying to teach myself" consists of looking at pictures and reading library books and reflecting on the canvas, thread, and needles I have sitting on my desk at home.

    That's a big problem I have, and it's embarrassing: I think and plan and research the most basic things, instead of just diving in and doing them.

    Tonight, I shall take up my needle and thread.

    After I wet-vac out my flooded basement. Priorities!

By la on Saturday, October 12, 2013 - 03:12 am:

    Oooooh, blackwork is so pretty! And there's so much
    you can do with it!

By la on Saturday, October 12, 2013 - 12:34 pm:

    I called yesterday morning, but no decision had
    been made yet and the fellow doing so wasn't in
    for the day. Grrrrrumph. Waiting is hard. Don't
    they understand that it takes me a minimum hour
    and a half each way to get there? DEDICATION.

    I took my bike out to the interview: exactly 29
    minutes from the South Hayward BART, which will
    stave off my dependence from the hourly bus. I
    rode down to Fremont after, which doesn't do
    anything timewise, but going through Union City
    and along the Alameda Creek (gravel) Trail for a
    good portion of it. There's not much water in the
    waterways here, I'm not used to it yet. But I did
    see two egrets, and shouted "egret egret egret
    egret egret!" inside my head; remembering the
    first time I saw one, on Birdathon weekend when I
    was 19.

    And yeah, I get the research & supply-gathering
    over doing: let me tell you about my calligraphy
    tool collection!

By Pepper on Saturday, October 12, 2013 - 11:03 pm:

    I slept entire day today, wasn't feeling too good, but am better now. I stopped at McDonald's before going to the post office.
    It been raining all day, didn't notice it until I woke up and noticed the pavement being wet.

By Pepper on Sunday, October 13, 2013 - 06:08 pm:

    la, you going ever to have the children of your own, it is wise to teach them the fundamental on HOW TO SAVE money! I failed to save it a long time ago...

By la on Sunday, October 13, 2013 - 09:43 pm:

    Um, not planning on having kids anytime soon,

    And not having kids anytime soon, thanks to my IUD.

By Pepper on Sunday, October 13, 2013 - 10:10 pm:

    I respect your decision. :-)

By la on Monday, October 14, 2013 - 02:48 am:

    I don't believe I need your respect in this matter.

By platypus on Monday, October 14, 2013 - 11:27 pm:

    I hope you got your interview today and it went well!

    I didn't realise you were in the Bay--next time I'm down, lunch is on

By la on Monday, October 14, 2013 - 11:53 pm:

    Moved in March, went north for the last two months
    of summer once it became apparent that job and
    boyfriend weren't working out, got back two weeks

    Called again this evening not long before their
    office closed: still no answer. Training starts
    Monday. I need to know. Looked at more job
    listings, but nothing looked as awesome as I want
    it to be.

    Platy, did you write an article a few months back
    about not liking pet names?

By la on Friday, October 18, 2013 - 01:31 pm:

    Ugh. I got so excited about the prospect of a
    decent job that I put off applying for anything
    else. They called me so quickly to schedule
    things and tell me about things I needed to do,
    and then had an interview last week. They were
    going to call me on Wednesday..... and nothing.

    I gave them a couple days, then called on Friday.
    "He's out of the office today, sorry." Called
    again on Monday right before their office closed,
    she said she'd leave him a note. And still
    nothing. The training is supposed to start on
    Monday, so if they call me today I'm going to be
    pissed. They probably won't.

    Yesterday I never left the apartment, never got
    fully dressed, ate an english muffin and ramen,
    and cried to myself in the shower when I finally
    convinced myself to do so in the evening. Then
    got back online and put in an application with a
    temp agency.

    I'd really like to find a job, one where I'm
    treated like a human being and am paid a living

    And almost more important than that is that I get
    my act together so I can see a support group or a
    therapist or something, I'm really not doing well
    right now. The past few months have been a
    nightmare. It got a little better when I decided
    I had to get back here to San Jose and my first
    couple of days back, but..... I spend so much
    time feeling sorry for myself. I barely talk to
    anyone, even when I'm around groups, and then find
    myself talking the ear off the cashier at the
    grocery store and run away embarrassed. I want to
    go on this bike ride tonight but I won't know
    anyone there and it's going to be huge... I'm
    scared. I shouldn't be scared.

    I saw a list of life issues that adult children of
    alcoholics (for the record: my parents are not
    alcoholics) or others who have had equivalent
    trauma have to learn to deal with.... and I'm
    going through a lot of them. Have been going
    through a lot of them. And I don't know how to
    stop living this way. I just know I need to.

By Danielssss on Sunday, October 20, 2013 - 05:57 pm:

    you can. you will.

By la on Wednesday, October 30, 2013 - 03:59 pm:

    ....and my computer died last Wednesday. Just my
    luck. With my most recent compilation of my job
    history ONLY on the hard drive.

    But on the other hand, for at least a little while
    longer I have internet access and a place to sleep.
    C hasn't said anything about the time limit. He's
    even setting me up with a laptop to borrow and going
    to help me with file recovery. A setback though.

By The Watcher on Monday, January 20, 2014 - 02:43 am:


    How are you doing?

By la on Friday, January 24, 2014 - 08:47 pm:

    Trying to avoid questions like that because I'm not
    sure how to answer.

By Antigone on Saturday, January 25, 2014 - 12:52 am:

    I have taken four shits today.

    About to go for five.

By The Watcher on Saturday, January 25, 2014 - 04:47 am:

    At least you're regular. Sort of.

By la on Sunday, January 26, 2014 - 03:26 am:

    For some reason I only get constipated on road
    trips. Makes rest stops awkward.

By The Watcher on Wednesday, January 29, 2014 - 04:30 am:

    Some meds will make you constipated. I know this first hand. And, it's a pain.

By The Watcher on Sunday, February 16, 2014 - 01:34 am:

    I am tired.

    But, I don't want to go to bed.

    I've spent to much time there this week.

    Head/ear aches and an upset stomach.

    Two cats curled up beside me. Close. Soft. And, warm.

    But, the dream world calls me back.

    I have no pain there.

    My heart is not heavy.

    And, I have no load to bare.

    Good night.


By Pepper on Sunday, February 16, 2014 - 03:44 pm:

    Odd things was: I had another recurring dream, realizing that dreams may turns into reality.

    Talked to someone about my concern with recurring dreams about the warehouse number three, they said, it is my subconscience or it is P.T.S.D. that I am having all due to stress related things/issues.

By Pepper on Sunday, February 16, 2014 - 03:47 pm:

    The other nights ago with strange dream, I had strange encounter with Mark Thomas who is similar to cult leader and serial killer who bought the sorabjites members to doom and I survived to live another day telling how sick is he and he think he is like Jeffrey Dahmer/ David Koresch.

By Antigone on Sunday, February 16, 2014 - 06:56 pm:

    When I was a kid I had a recurring dream that while hiking with
    my grandfather I fell off a mountain side, passed through a
    yellow light, and woke up in the mind of my grandfather in
    1924. I lived through his entire life then stopped my younger
    self from falling.


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