My mother is useless, part II Why I oughta...: My mother is useless, part II

By Rhiannon on Friday, May 12, 2000 - 12:01 pm:

    May I vent my rage here, please? Petty creature that I am?

    Background: It is a tradition here that a garden party is held the day before graduation. This garden party is little more than a glorified barbecue...the draw is that seniors and their families get waited on by the freshmen (freshwomen?). So you go to this party, which is held on the lawn in front of one of the dorms, and you sit on lawn chairs in a circle and you eat and then you leave.

    Well, I don't want to go. I want to go home after convocation, and I don't want to eat with my class, seeing as I don't really know any of my classmates.

    I told this to my mother, who wanted to go, and she said, "you can just talk to me." I told her I can talk to her any time, and I would rather just pack up my things and party. We talked about this several times during the past month, and each time I said we weren't going. I thought that was clear.

    So then a few days ago she sends me an email with this line in it:

    >Your father wants to know about the garden party, and the times. Please do fill us in tomorrow. <

    To which I reply:

    >Okay. For the last time: We are not going to the garden party. The sign-up time and the chair-gathering time, -- Wednesday May 10 at 5 pm -- passed and went and I did not sign up or gather chairs. Therefore, we are not able to attend and instead will be going directly home after convocation on Saturday. No garden party. Home. <

    And then she writes:

    >Oh, yeahhhhhh??? Don't think we're exactly happy about NOT going to the garden party!!! - Will wait to hear from you (persona NON grata!!!) tomorrow. <

    Which makes me mad (what? Was I was kidding all those other times when I said we weren't going?), so I write:

    >Why do I always have to defer to your wishes? <

    To which she replies:

    >I would beg to differ! (excuse the pun) - it seems to me that you most often just do what YOU want to do!!! (like, for instance, not go to grad school, not go out and look for a job last summer, not write a thesis, procrastinate...need I continue???)
    Love, MOM <

    Now perhaps my anger is unreasonable, but there it is. Look what she does:

    First, were we talking about grad school and my thesis? No. Do you think it would be possible for her to ever have an argument in which she did not bring up past and/or tangential grievances? I don't think so either.

    Second, how does it hurt her if I don't write a thesis? Or go to grad school? Or get a job in the summer, for that matter? (I have never asked her or my father for money.) Why are these things offensive to her? Shouldn't it be up to me whether I write a thesis or not? Whether I go to grad school or not? Or am I stupid for thinking that I was the one in charge of my future?

    Thirdly: you know that she didn't actually believe I could go through with not doing what she wanted. She thought I was kidding when I said we weren't going. It was inconceivable to her that I would actually go against her wishes.

    Fourthly: Note the all-caps "MOM." This is her way of reminding me about her favorite phrase, "because I'm the mother, that's why," which she still uses on me and my brother. You would think that after being a parent for over 20 years, you would learn to come up with better justificiations for your nonsense.

    She exhausts me.

    Another thing: when I went home last weekend, all I heard was her picking on my father. He couldn't open his mouth without her sniping at him. So when I was alone with either one of them, each complained to me about the other. "She never listens to a word I say." "He's always bossing me around." It was so annoying. If I have to listen to that this weekend, I'm going to hurt both of them. They're like bratty little kids. They make me sick.

By Rhiannon on Friday, May 12, 2000 - 12:15 pm:

    PS. I know that all sounds really trivial and petty, but in my defense, let me say that it's been a lifetime of her hissy fits when we don't share the same opinions. It's very frustrating.

By Margret on Friday, May 12, 2000 - 12:55 pm:

    Punkin, you called down the wrath upon yourself when you used the 'always defer' phrase. You invited her to examine the past. Bad move, there, guy.

By heather on Friday, May 12, 2000 - 02:53 pm:

    maybe you should just go

    how could it hurt

    (this is coming from someone who really likes to make people happy)

By patrick on Friday, May 12, 2000 - 03:25 pm:

    i feel your pain Rhi. It sounds like they want to enjoy the fruits of being proud parents of a college graduate, as if it's some sort of status bar......a level of achievment. In a way it is, your parents have endured the finacial burden and "graduated" so to speak..and perhaps they want to gloat with their contemporaries..This sounds like something my mom would do, only I would have been a bigger ass about it.

    Nonetheless, to me graduation, weddings and the sort are things parents like to have control over. these are things they have fantasized about since you first saw light of day. They have 18+ years of preconceptions and when it doesn't go like they want or think, they tend to get selfish and pissy. To me they are often thinking of themeselves and what the Jone's would think if you got married in an off white, empire waist wedding dress rather than a standard fufu white cotton puff dress. "off white implies you have been divorced" OH MY!

    Nonetheless Rhi, stick to your guns, it's your day, spend it how you like. I would have told her, "ok, you want to go, GO, eat hot dogs and be merry? I'll see you at home....."

    Also, perhaps you mom is tightning her grip simply because you guys are growing up and growing out, she may start to miss being needed (ergo the nagging on your pop).

    Your a psych major, you know more about this than I do.

    By the way, Congratualtions Miss Rhiannon for graduating, I am very happy for you and I know whatever you do you will be good at it. Regardless, enjoy your life, these are some of the best years (not to sound too cliche)to come.

    Oh yeah , by the way the grad school thing, i witnessed that pressure from my pop and ma in-laws. Nico wasn't ready to go to grad school, she had busted her ass for 4 years and graduated with honors and wanted time to live a little, they didn't understand that and pushed her regardless.

    It absolutely annoys me to see parents push their kids, especially the older they are ,to do things that the children may not want to do.

    I have learned that once your parents truly realize you are an adult and can make your own decisions, the better things will be.

    Once i got married and did shit on my own, for several years, without her help and never looking back, she actually started respecting me as an individual. It took time, and many harsh words to get there, but my realtionship with my mom has never been better, she just doesn't nag and criticize me anymore......

By J on Friday, May 12, 2000 - 03:26 pm:

    Yea Rhiannon,it,s probably a big deal to her and your dad.

By Rhiannon on Friday, May 12, 2000 - 04:15 pm:

    Damn, can I be whiney or what?

    Thanks, guys. You're all right (as in "correct," and also as in "good eggs, all of you").

    Everything's kind of falling apart right now (graduation, people moving out, career changes) in the family...but things will settle down soon and then everything will be okay. And I'm planning on moving to Maryland with a friend of mine in the summer (Miss Scatterbrain herself is going for her Ph.D. in Philosophy at the U. of MD, and "sensible" me has no idea what's up...maybe I'll work at a record store or something), so I'll be on my own soon enough.

    And if it rains tomorrow, the whole garden party thing will be moved into the gym, and the family will get to have their hot dogs after all. :)

By Margret on Friday, May 12, 2000 - 06:07 pm:

By J on Friday, May 12, 2000 - 06:14 pm:

    That,s funny Margret,she looks like Steve Tyler with tits.

By Dougie on Friday, May 12, 2000 - 06:48 pm:

    Ooh, ick.

By patrick on Friday, May 12, 2000 - 07:26 pm:


By Isolde on Friday, May 12, 2000 - 08:13 pm:

    Did you find that on Portal of Evil? Because I was just about to link to it...Oh well. Congrats, Rhiannon, and hopefully your mother will realize it's not the end of the world if you don't go to a garden party...

By semillama on Friday, May 12, 2000 - 08:17 pm:

    Just so everyone knows, our Rhiannon looks nothing like Mistress Rhiannon (who scares the pants ON me.)

    Rhiannon, you ever get that package? I'm loathe to send those photos your way if you ain't gonna get'em.

By J on Friday, May 12, 2000 - 08:43 pm:

    Scares the pants on you..that,s good Sem:)

By cyst on Saturday, May 13, 2000 - 04:27 am:

    I would just go to the garden party.

    my mother hounded me into going to my college graduation. it was fucking ridiculous. my university had like 33,000 students, and I was graduating five years late.

    but anyway. parents are freakish. after years of saying, NO, DUH, I AM NOT GOING TO THE FUCKING CEREMONY, I finally relented. it was clear that their going meant more to them than my not going meant to me. so what the hell.

    it's a fucking garden party. you'll live. you know?

By on Saturday, May 13, 2000 - 10:12 am:

    oh my GOD! i would rather masturbate for the rest of my fucking life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! bend over backwards to suck my own fucking dick! forever! Sem-agree?

By semillama on Saturday, May 13, 2000 - 01:52 pm:

    Who ARE you? it's a little inappropriate to not give some sort of moniker. I like to know who I'm talking to.

    I already am masturbating for the rest of my life, it would appear, so moot point.

    sorry if I am grumpy today, feeling down today. I should go eat some ice cream, that may help.

By moonit on Sunday, May 14, 2000 - 04:28 pm:

    chocolate is best for getting back up!

By J on Monday, May 15, 2000 - 01:29 pm:

    Somehow this made me reflect on this last week,Mon.Amee calls me quit her job because she was supposed to be making voodoo dolls and she didn,t make them.She is now working for some hotel.She told me Heather was an escort.Amee would lie to .Jesus if she could get him to listen to her,so I didn,t think much of it.Then Heather came over late Sat. and we just went shopping,I told her I had spoke to Amee,she wanted to know what Amee had to say.I told her she got a new job and was on a waiting list for free legal help with her custody problems.Heather asked me if that was all Amee said."Just about" I told her."Oh come on mom this is Amee we are talking about,are you sure she didn,t tell you anything else"? Then she kept asking me what Amee told me.Finally I told her,"she said you are an escort".Then she told me she wasn,t an escort but she is sitting around in her underwear for a webcam!! Happy fucking mothers day.Sunday Heather took my mother and I out to eat and she paid for it then gave her dad alot of money to invest for her.My mother was bitching as usual,after I gave her my webtv set up and my s/o set it up for her,she said she didn,t want it.My head hurts.

By J on Tuesday, May 16, 2000 - 01:00 pm:

    The more I think about it,she probably doesn,t wear underwear,God knows what she,s doing,I,m really upset by this,why would she tell me? It,s a pay sight and I never go to stuff like that.Sat. when we went out to eat Heather told me she only works days,but her boss called her on new celluar phone and I heard her saying she,d be there by midnight.Heather also sent Amee $200.00 and she didn,t even ask for it.

By J on Wednesday, May 17, 2000 - 11:37 am:

    And last night she called me to tell me her boss took her to Carefree to meet some people from Hustler magazine and she was pissed off because they told her she needed to lose weight.I told her please don,t even think about it,what if someone you knew saw it,thats a raunchy magazine and why do you feel compelled to tell me about this whole sordid business? Amee also said that Heather had been doing meth,she doesn,t act like it to me,but still I wonder,she has her dads eyes in the way that hers and his pupils are ALWAYS dialated.I can,t stand that creep she is with,as far as I,m concerned he,s a pimp.

By J on Wednesday, May 17, 2000 - 03:18 pm:

    How do you make someone understand that she is being used and abused,she wasn,t brought up like this,or is everyone just being polite,hope R.C. sees this.

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