sorabji.com: Why I oughta...: Spill

By wisper on Thursday, November 11, 2004 - 08:43 pm:

    you may have noticed that it's a rare day indeed when i talk about my most interesting and embarrassing of ex boyfriends- psychopagen ex. For short, I'll call him PPX.

    He was the one who was into live action role playing, and who would spend most of the summer out in a campsite, dressed as a wood elf and brandishing a Nerf sword, fighting other people in similar garb.

    He is the one who is dying a slow and painful death from MS. I am the one who thinks it's karma, or as he would say "the 3 fold rule". Oooooooo, so wiccan!

    Well, guess who's Livejournal i just found.
    He's fucking 31 years old and still keeps a Livejournal.

    And, true to form, even though i spoke my last word to him in 1998 (okay, actually he tried to talk to me at a NIN concert in 2000 when i said "here, i got you a present!" and then put some litter from off the ground in his hand).... even though we broke off so badly that he vowed vengeance against me through his pagan gods (yeah, THAT guy) he *STILL* refers to me as the 'love of his life' and in march if this year wrote a whole entry of poems dedicated to me.

    yeah, soak it in folks, it's all true.

    I've also discovered that he hasn't dated anyone since me, except for a months-long fling he had on the rebound at that time.
    Six years ago.

    You know that part in Being John Malkovich where the old guy has a whole room dedicated to Malkovich? I'm thinking he must have one for ME.

    He's no different at all.
    VNV Nation.... oh GOD.

By TBone on Thursday, November 11, 2004 - 09:03 pm:

    I wanna read his livejournal.

By Nate on Thursday, November 11, 2004 - 10:06 pm:

    it's ok to be 30 and have a livejournal, right? it's 31 when you need to stop?

By wisper on Friday, November 12, 2004 - 12:02 am:

    I don't know Nate, I just DONT KNOW.
    i suppose it wouldn't be so sad if he used it for things other than posting every time he smokes a joint or uses his welfare check to buy drug mushrooms instead of food.

    its so so sad.

By Nate on Friday, November 12, 2004 - 12:18 am:

    those dirty gub'ment drug mushrooms.

    it is sad. but hell, imagine the depth of the blackness in his soul that your passing out of his life has caused.

By wisper on Friday, November 12, 2004 - 01:09 am:

    The blackness?
    oh, i don't need to imagine it, buddy, it's right there on the page, right between the LARP results and the Depeche Mode lyrics.
    Here's some now:


    Today is not the first time
    my words have made you mad,
    your anger seems so misplaced
    when it's caused by me being sad,
    I'm only trying to be honest
    and tell you how I feel,
    but it only brings discomfort
    and hardened eyes of steel,

    I wish that I felt otherwise
    it would save me from the pain,
    the more I feel the more you cringe
    and show me your disdain,

    one day the door will open
    and on the other side,
    you'll finally turn around and see
    all the tears that I have cried,
    if that sight should make you weep
    remember that I'm your friend,
    despite the tears and heartache
    I'll be here, for you, until the end.


    yup, 30.

By Gee on Friday, November 12, 2004 - 10:29 am:

    he must have done something really terrible to you.

    it's so ironic that females are the ones who are supposed to be so emotional, and yet males are the ones who seem to have a Hard time letting go.

By TBone on Friday, November 12, 2004 - 10:31 am:

    Sweet Zombie Jesus!

    Look what you've done to him, wisper!

By semillama on Friday, November 12, 2004 - 10:34 am:

    In my head, Strongsad was reading that poem aloud as I read it.

By eri on Friday, November 12, 2004 - 11:23 am:

    OMG Wisper! Forgive me for laughing so hard. I know it's wrong, but he sounds just like Kebron. Another playgan!!!! I mean, if he truly believed in the religion then he would not have vowed vengance through pagan gods, cuz that's not how we work. It's funny, but from a totally fubared point of view. The poem is something else altogether. It's so filled with an emotional quagmire that you can't tell what he is truly trying to convey, other than the emotional quagmire and the fact that he hasn't moved on.

    If he starts stalking you we will have to start a "dealing with playgan men" support group!

By Kazu on Friday, November 12, 2004 - 01:40 pm:

    playgan. i like that word.

    I saved all my crazy exboyfriend's old letters
    because they were just too good, in a sad,
    pathetic way to get rid of. My best friend said
    that if I ever wanted to throw them out, she
    would take them. Anyway, he used to write out
    glam-metal love ballad lyrics and sign them with
    "A. Rose" and "K. Winger" Some of them didn't have
    names and later when I learned about the internets
    I plugged some of those lyrics in to see where they
    came from. Nothing showed up which makes me
    think they were original works.

    I'll post some of his greatest hits later.

By Spider on Friday, November 12, 2004 - 03:57 pm:

    Hey, I like VNV Nation.

By Spider on Friday, November 12, 2004 - 06:24 pm:

    I'm sorry to derail the thread. Wisper, I wish you lived near me.

By wisper on Friday, November 12, 2004 - 06:56 pm:

    I assure you i did nothing but break up with him. He is a drama addict.
    Strongsad is pretty close! But i think PPX is far less stable. He's got all the emotional strength of a 12 year old girl, and picks pot/shrooms/acid over therapy.

    Oh kazu. You would understand then. PPX used to write lyrics on letters all the time. Usually NIN, as was the style at the time.

    I threw out all his letters in an unglorified garbage can, after he called me one day just to let me know that he spent an entire evening burning all of mine, one by one, over a black candle.

    Needless to say, I no longer date goths.

    God, i should write a book.

    Spider- me too baby, we could be Super Twins! I am writing you an ULTRA LETTER. It has illustrations and everything. Just gonna take me a while.... so very long.....

By kazu on Friday, November 12, 2004 - 07:08 pm:

    My ex wrote to me about three years ago to apologize
    for our relationship, particularly how he treated
    me after we broke up. Apparently, he really went
    crazy. He had just gotten divorced from his lesbian
    wife and was in therapy realizing what a number his
    parents did on him.

    Once, I was home on a break from school and my
    brother knocked on the door and came in with an
    envelope filled with just glamrock lyrics and no
    note or signature or anything that he'd left in the
    door. n

By kazu on Friday, November 12, 2004 - 07:09 pm:

    Oh, and the reason he wanted to apologize was
    because he thought he'd "ruined [my] life"

    I thought that was kind of arrogant, actually.


By wisper on Friday, November 12, 2004 - 08:52 pm:

    You truly know my pain.
    I just replied to the post he left for me. He was leaving a reply to something i wrote about the whole 11 states = NO gay marriage sadness, and i said something like "Are there really so many people with so much hate in their hearts?"

    And he said something like "Hatred is never-ending. You would know about that, wouldn't you?"
    And then after reading his journal he's always going on about how much i HATE him and oh my ex HATES me and i still love her but the HATE....

    blah blah.

    It *is* arrogant. Like i spend every day plotting his doom, he's just THAT important.

    Or like your life is in shambles now because that guy broke up with you. Oh, the pain, the horror.

    and so i said:

    I don't hate you.
    I can't decide if that will come as good news or bad news to you.
    I don't hate you, and I can't remember if I ever did. Sure, I was angry for a while, hurt, but that's to be expected. I don't even get angry when I remember us. It does not consume my every waking moment.
    It was 6 years ago, J. I moved on.

    You must understand by now that we were not meant to be together. We fought like crazy. We are both stubborn and incurably catty people. It did not and would not work out.
    If you can't see that by now....seek therapy.
    I assure you I have nothing but apathy and indifference for you. It was nice, it got shitty, it ended. The end.

    But if you need to believe that I hate you, then you can go ahead and believe it.
    You can have that, if that thought drives you, that's fine.

    Hell, if you want to discuss this or anything else further, I can email you. Just say so.

    But sorry, I don't hate you.

    I'm sad to think that finding out that I in fact don't hate him will cause his very grasp of reality to shudder and fall.

    Oh man, i hope he replies. This is too highschool.
    Maybe he'll threaten me with magik.

By Gee on Monday, November 15, 2004 - 10:39 am:

    I assumed he had done something really mean to you, because you're being quite cruel to him now.

By dave. on Monday, November 15, 2004 - 01:39 pm:

    are you kidding. that's nourishment for guys like that. he oughta send her a thank you card.

    are you on your bad ovary this month, gee?

By Antigone on Monday, November 15, 2004 - 02:47 pm:

    Cruel? Gee, I think you do have the bad seed in you at the moment.

    This kind of behavior (in both guys) sounds more like narcissim than arrogance. That can be a cause (or consequence) of depression.

By Gee on Monday, November 15, 2004 - 05:37 pm:

    it wasn't the email that seemed mean, it was just the whole bringing the guy up so that we could mock him. I'm uncomftorable sitting around going "wow, what a loser!". maybe I'm not looking at it the right way.

    I am quite Shit right now, so it's entirely possible I'm just looking for things to bitch about.

By kazu on Monday, November 15, 2004 - 05:44 pm:

    i like mocking people.

    is everything okay, gee?

By wisper on Monday, November 15, 2004 - 06:39 pm:

    No, Gee's right.
    Like i said, it's so highschool. I meant my actions as well, not just his.

    Sometimes it is just fun to mock old boyfriends.
    I think it's fair. Highschool, but fair.

    i did envision this whole thing only as a follow up to the "lightning bolt! lightning bolt!" thread, where the tale of PPX seemed to cause some entertainment.
    I wish only to entertain!!

    And so he replied, and it wasn't insane at all. Nothing funny, except that he can't move on.
    He admitted that he needed someone (me) to finally tell him to get the fuck over it. I sure hope he does, I don't want to see any more poetry.

By wisper on Monday, November 15, 2004 - 06:40 pm:

    This thread is now about helping Gee be not so shitty.

    SPILL, Gee!

By kazu on Monday, November 15, 2004 - 06:52 pm:

    i still like mocking people


    I won't mock gee


    don't you have nativeblood geebear?


By geebear on Tuesday, November 16, 2004 - 10:25 am:

    I'm okay - just having problems with my friend Ron. unfortunately, since he is the single most important person in the world to me, those problems only make me look at the rest of my life in a negative light.

    I am trying to work out what to do, but what I really want to do is run away. maybe the distance would give me perspective. or maybe I would just be avoiding my problems.

    I guess sooner or later something will happen, good or bad.


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