�Hallo, Mr. Hussein!� a heavily accented voice said. �This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Slog, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!� �Well, Paddy,� Saddam replied, �This is indeed important news! How big is your army?� �Right now,� said Paddy, after a moment�s calculation, �there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!� Saddam paused. �I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army, waiting to move on my command.� �Begorra!� said Paddy. �I�ll have to ring you right back!� Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. �Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!� �And what might that equipment be, Paddy?� Saddam asked. �Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy�s farm tractor.� Saddam sighed. �I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 personnel carriers. Also, I�ve increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke.� �Saints preserve us!� said Paddy. �I�ll have to get back to you.� Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. �Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Harrigan�s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!� Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. �I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I�ve increased my army to TWO MILLION!� �Jesus, Mary and Joseph!� said Paddy, �Ill have to ring you back!� Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. �Top of the mornin�, Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war!� �I�m sorry to hear that,� said Saddam. �Why the sudden change of heart?� �Well,� said Paddy,� we�ve all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there is no way we can feed two million prisoners.� |