Unholy food combinations

sorabji.com: What are you eating?: Unholy food combinations

By Spider on Friday, January 24, 2003 - 10:53 am:

    My father is notorious in our family for eating truly hideous food combinations. Like, so hideous we believe in all seriousness that he must have a damaged sense of taste. Basically, the only thing that would prevent him from eating something is if it were visibly rotten or covered in mold.

    Here's a classic example: One night after a family dinner, my father gathered all of the half-full glasses from the table, mixed the contents -- beer, red wine, iced tea, and coke -- into a glass, and took a big swig. My brother and I were watching him, and one of us said, "Doesn't that taste disgusting?"

    His reply -- "Yeah. Let me put some ice in it."

    We love him anyway.

    I want to hear about the unholy food combinations you eat. Does anyone drink the one thing my father wouldn't touch: milk with orange juice?

By patrick on Friday, January 24, 2003 - 11:37 am:


    im thinking spider, but i have to say no, im a straight shooter when it comes to grub.

By Spider on Friday, January 24, 2003 - 11:43 am:

    I think I am, too. My roommate got disgusted when I would put cream cheese and turkey on a bagel, but I don't think that's gross, do you?

    Peanut butter and mayonnaise -- that's gross.

By patrick on Friday, January 24, 2003 - 11:57 am:

    still thinking.....

    i sometimes put ruffles potato chips on a peanut butter/jelly sandwich.

    but to me thats more about efficiency as they are the perfect side dish to the popular lunchtime treat, so might as well get it all in one bite. the salt to the sweet is perfect.

By Nate on Friday, January 24, 2003 - 12:09 pm:

    peanut butter, mayo and lettuce is a great sandwich.

    i was putting egg salad on fried ground beef patties for awhile.

    saurkraut in chili. that's good.

By eri on Friday, January 24, 2003 - 12:14 pm:

    That reminds me of a television commercial I saw recently about people who can't afford to eat out. It shows some guy in a hotel combining all of the drinks off of the trays left out for cleaning making a "hallway smoothie" and eating pillow mints for desert until the cleaning lady caught him and beat his ass.

    I guess I am a pretty boring person when it comes to my food. I don't really combine anything.

By sarah on Friday, January 24, 2003 - 01:35 pm:

    spider, i love you. you rock.

    tuna fish hot fudge sundae.

    just kidding!

By sarah on Friday, January 24, 2003 - 01:37 pm:

    actually, in truth, i would put peanut butter on just about anything and eat it.

By agatha on Friday, January 24, 2003 - 02:49 pm:

    did anyone ever read the david sedaris thing about how his dad hordes food? it's hilarious. he talks about how his dad will take a three week old banana out of his bag and eat it, black skin and all.

    as a child, we used to make up gross food combo's. i think the best one i ever came up with was meat flavored yogurt.

    also, i used to spread peanut butter on slices of salami and eat it. mmmmm.

By patrick on Friday, January 24, 2003 - 02:51 pm:

    yeah i read that in Me Talk Pretty.

By Spider on Friday, January 24, 2003 - 03:12 pm:

    Oh my God! My dad has eaten banana peels! (And orange rinds.)

    Sarah, I understand well -- I'm in a peanut-butter-craving period myself. I broke down last night and bought peanut butter made for diabetics so that I could have just a taste of it this week....it's pretty nasty. I measured out a spoonful and mixed some salt into it, and that barely made it palatable. What I wouldn't give for some Jif right now. I love it when you put it on toasted bread and it melts.

By trace on Friday, January 24, 2003 - 03:26 pm:

    my grandmother used to make PB&B sandwiches.
    Peanutbutter & Butter...
    She might still. I have not seen her in years and I will still refuse to eat peanutbutter sandwiches at her house

By eri on Friday, January 24, 2003 - 04:49 pm:

    My grandmother did that. I remember asking for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and she put butter on both slices of bread before the peanut butter and jelly. She thought that was what she was supposed to do.

    She used to pick me up from dance class and take my cousin and I out for ice cream.

    Sadly, that is about all I remember of her, aside from the fact that my aunt's and uncle's used to call her a Polock all of the time and she drank red wine constantly.

By Dougie on Friday, January 24, 2003 - 08:05 pm:

    My grandfather swears by peanut butter & horseradish sandwiches and a 1/2 a beer for lunch everyday.

By dave. on Friday, January 24, 2003 - 08:19 pm:

    "What I wouldn't give for some Jif right now."

    that ain't peanut butter.

    adams' old fashioned lightly salted crunchy. that's peanut butter.

    that and welch's grape jelly on poulsbo bread make the most heavenly sandwich. spread 'em on thick so it runs down your forearm.

By alpha on Saturday, January 25, 2003 - 10:00 am:

    i read that mixing butter with butter makes it a complete protein.

By trace on Saturday, January 25, 2003 - 02:03 pm:

    my unlce used to be a welder at a ford plant.
    he would drink a half pint of scotch for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

    no wonder he lost his ring finger

By Willie on Sunday, January 26, 2003 - 11:58 am:

    scotch and milk,
    the drink of southern auto repair persons

By jack on Sunday, January 26, 2003 - 04:00 pm:


By Platypus on Sunday, January 26, 2003 - 07:09 pm:

    what i just ate.

By Just for your info on Monday, January 27, 2003 - 12:08 pm:

    there used to be a place called orange julius.
    their orange drink was made with orange juice
    milk and eggs and sugar...it was actually
    really good.. there is a south american drink
    made with orange juice milk and ice and
    sugar..its called something like orange death
    in spanish.

By eri on Monday, January 27, 2003 - 12:27 pm:

    They still have Orange Julius all over the place. Never thought of it as an unholy combination, though.

By J on Tuesday, January 28, 2003 - 10:14 am:

    A peanut butter and bermuda onion sandwich is really good,washed down with buttermilk topped with salt.

By eri on Tuesday, January 28, 2003 - 01:23 pm:

    Avocado and diced black olives in a dip. There is my weird food craving for the day! Maybe even the year. I am boring.

By Spider on Tuesday, January 28, 2003 - 04:07 pm:

    Last night, I made sausages with a pesto & sun-dried tomato sauce, topped with raw spinach and arugula. I was afraid to eat it at first ("what have I done? what was I thinking?"), but it turned out pretty damn good. I know it probably sounds gross, but trust me.

By patrick on Tuesday, January 28, 2003 - 04:19 pm:

    sounds quite good spidey.

By eri on Tuesday, January 28, 2003 - 04:23 pm:

    Yes, that sounds really good.

By Spider on Tuesday, January 28, 2003 - 04:23 pm:

    Oh, it was! I was afraid of the pesto/sausage combination...I thought it would be too strong. And raw arugula?! But it was all I had.

    I have one sausage left over for tonight....mmmmm...

By patrick on Tuesday, January 28, 2003 - 04:35 pm:

    i like spicey shit...not necessarily hot, but bold flavors.

    last night i had carne asada

    right now im the "traditional flavor of mexico" in 'Ranchero" flavored doritos.

    i wonder what contemporary mexico tastes like.

By Beta on Tuesday, January 28, 2003 - 07:41 pm:

    there's a restaurant in nyc's west village that specializes in gourmet peanut butter sandwiches-you can order "spicy peanut butter" and chilled grilled chicken, with a little bit of pineapple jam or a pb-blt with extra crispy bacon

By sarah on Wednesday, January 29, 2003 - 10:29 am:

    holy fuck a moley. i NEED to visit this restaurant! what is the name of it?

By Yum on Wednesday, January 29, 2003 - 11:46 am:

    remember those?
    orange sherbet with vanilla ice cream in the center

By Spider on Wednesday, January 29, 2003 - 12:02 pm:

    How is that unholy?

By Antigone on Wednesday, January 29, 2003 - 12:13 pm:

    I was in nyc two weeks ago and had some fantastic sushi at this place called "Sushi Gari." We had the "creative sushi" plate, which was $50/person, but was the best sushi I've ever had, bar none.

    Next time I'll try the peanut butter place, though. A bit lighter on the wallet, probably. :)

By sarah on Thursday, January 30, 2003 - 12:05 pm:

    sushi is one of the only meals i would consider dropping $50 and more. creative sushi... fuck yeah. there's a place in Hanalei, on the north shore of Kauai called Sushi and Blues that has some really creative sushi specials.

    the best sushi i ever had was at this hole in the wall on King Street in Honolulu. we sat at the counter, and above the chefs' heads was a sign that said "Today's Special: Trust Me" - and i sat there with two of my friends and the president of the bank i used to work for while they brought us servings upon servings of fresh fish sashimi and cold sake. i never saw it, but i'm sure by the time we left the bill was over $700.

By beta on Thursday, January 30, 2003 - 10:48 pm:

    strangely enough, they chose to call it "the peanut butter company"
    it's off bleeker on sullivan i think, near 6th ave

By sarah on Friday, January 31, 2003 - 10:30 am:

    well, i say that's where we hold the next sorabji fest/meet-up.

    do they serve tequila?

    mmmm... peanut butter and tequila...

By semillama on Friday, January 31, 2003 - 11:32 am:

    Any thing with tequila is unholy.

By Jesus on Friday, January 31, 2003 - 11:46 am:

    I eat the evil worm.

By sarah on Friday, January 31, 2003 - 11:59 am:

    no no, you ARE the evil worm.

    close, though.

By sarah on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 12:58 pm:

    very berry herbal tea with a splash of diet hansen's kiwi strawberry soda.

    seemed like a good idea. wasn't.

By Gee on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 05:10 pm:

    in what alternate reality did that sound like a good idea?

    Pizza Pizza has a new salad with chicken and strawberries. You know, fruit does not taste good in Everything.

By sarah on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 07:03 pm:

    yo, my thighs are rubbing together. cut me some slack.

By Spider on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 07:31 pm:

    I see that I haven't yet posted about my dad's meal of celery dipped in raspberry jam. Yeah, you read that right.

By Dougie on Thursday, May 13, 2004 - 07:40 pm:


    My wife really likes Hansen's soda -- I think it's too sweet. The only one I like is Raspberry. I thought the mandarin orange/lime would be nice, but it was nasty.

By Spider on Thursday, June 3, 2004 - 06:16 pm:

    I just wanted to record, for posterity, last night my dad mixed beer and diet Mountain Dew.

    I had a sip -- it tasted as you would imagine.

By kazu on Thursday, June 3, 2004 - 06:21 pm:

    blech on the mt. dew beer

    I recently had some peanutbutter with white chocolate mixed it. It was great. They sell it in jars at Whole Foods

By patrick on Thursday, June 3, 2004 - 06:23 pm:

    i like your dad spider.

    i like the fact that he enjoys his utterly fucked up concoctions and seems to have no regard whatso ever about the popular opinion of said concoctions.

By patrick on Thursday, June 3, 2004 - 06:25 pm:

    spider. would your pop be open to trying new and even more fucked up things? like. could we make suggestions, he tries them, and you report back?

By kazu on Thursday, June 3, 2004 - 06:28 pm:

    ...because now all of our younger siblings say NO when make them baloney and lime jello rollups for lunch.

By Spider on Thursday, June 3, 2004 - 06:30 pm:

    You know, the same could be said about my dad in every single other area of his life. What he wears, what he reads, what he does, what he likes, what he dislikes -- it truly does not occur to him to give a shit about what other people think of him.

    Hee hee hee...I don't know, Patrick. You could try -- what suggestions do you have? As long as they wouldn't make him sick, bring 'em on.

By patrick on Thursday, June 3, 2004 - 06:43 pm:

    well shit, if beer and mt dew don't make him sick....the man has an iron stomach.

    ok. here are some ideas

    red wine/apple sauce smoothie

    orange rinds dipped in salsa

    jello / coke float

    oreos dipped in cottage cheese

By V.v. on Thursday, June 3, 2004 - 06:52 pm:

    O.K. so today i had Greek olive oil spread on two slices of bread,is that counted as "unholy"?

By kazu on Thursday, June 3, 2004 - 06:54 pm:

    no. not at all. unless it was wonder bread. or bimbo bread.

By Antigone on Thursday, June 3, 2004 - 06:55 pm:

    Beer and dew? Doesn't seem too beyond the pale. Sounds like a sweeter version of beer and cider.

By kazu on Thursday, June 3, 2004 - 07:00 pm:

    but dew is sweet in that chemical-from-another-planet kind of way.

    also, what kind of beer was it?

    I used to like that beer that's mixed with coffee that they wouldn't sell in boston awhile back.

By Sye on Thursday, June 3, 2004 - 07:01 pm:

    Once when I was pregnant, I had a hot dog with grape jelly. Sound appealing? It was actually pretty good. I would have it today if I liked hot dogs, and if there was nothing else to eat in the house.

By kazu on Thursday, June 3, 2004 - 07:05 pm:

    I used to like cheese sandwhiches with grape jelly. Also, mixing my peas with applesauce.

By V.v. on Thursday, June 3, 2004 - 07:49 pm:

    kazu,regarding olive oil,I do tend to put it on everything,you know somthing? the Greeks in Crete get through 65 pounds pounds of olive oil a year each! but they are some of the most long lived people in the World,and they beat the shit out of the Japs when it comes to old age.105 is nothing way out allready.

By wisper on Thursday, June 3, 2004 - 07:54 pm:

    "orange rinds dipped in salsa"


By V.V. on Thursday, June 3, 2004 - 08:17 pm:

    ...more stuff...Myself i strongly recommend Greek oil,it is strong,with a pungent smell of new mown grass and pepper.,such a nice taste,you all need to do is get down to Wallmart,and DEMAND GREEK OLIVE OIL.

By Spider on Thursday, June 3, 2004 - 08:17 pm:

    Hmmm, yeah, I don't know about that one. He eats orange rinds, but he doesn't really like salsa.

    (Point of clarification: he does eat things he doesn't like, but only when no one else will eat them. For ex, he doesn't like tomatoes, but he will eat them.)

    But I'll give him the list and see what he does.

By Spider on Thursday, June 3, 2004 - 08:21 pm:

    Kazu, I don't know what kind of beer my dad has, but it was probably Miller High Life or Budweiser or something like that. Shoot, man, you think he's picky about beer? Whatever is in the fridge, he'll drink.

    Though, like in the post above, he doesn't like lagers or Guiness (though he'll drink them). He prefers the lighter beers.

    Also, Diet Mountain Dew is an unholy foodstuff in and of itself.

By kazu on Thursday, June 3, 2004 - 08:22 pm:

    I assumed he wasn't picky about the beer, but I was trying to imagine the drink better.

By V.v. on Thursday, June 3, 2004 - 08:24 pm:

    wisper,so true allready.

By Spider on Thursday, June 3, 2004 - 08:37 pm:

    OK, I presented the list to my dad, saying (paraphrased), "what do you think of these combinations? Would you eat them if they were presented to you?" (This may not have been the exact experiment you had in mind, Patrick, but I didn't have any of the ingredients in my kitchen.)

    (Well, first off, my dad admitted he would eat all of them if he were starving.)

    •Red wine mit applesauce: "You mean mixed together? I don't think anything good could come of that."

    •Orange rinds in salsa: This he seemed a little more accepting of, but in the end he confessed he didn't care for salsa, so he would pass this up if it were presented to him.

    •Jello in coke: Ok, at this point I was laughing pretty hard, so I don't remember what he said except he shook his head and I gave him a follow-up question -- "Would it depend on the flavor of jello?" -- and he said yes.

    •Oreos dipped in cottage cheese: This he would eat. He said, "I like oreos and I like cottage cheese, so this sounds good."

By kazu on Friday, June 4, 2004 - 12:52 am:

    that's hilarious.

By moonit on Friday, June 4, 2004 - 02:30 am:

    i am sending your dad vegemite. I bet he won't eat that.

    my friend Sarah's friend Allan, who lives somewhere over your way sent her some peanut butter cups to give to me, and I ate them all. ALL in one go. I am so naughty. I asked what I could send him back and he said pies. You guys don't have pies. What the fuck is up with that?

    By pies, I mean, bacon and egg pie, shepards pie (not made with shepards, but with mince, gravy and potato), steak and cheese pies... blah blah. Is this true?

By patrick on Friday, June 4, 2004 - 02:45 am:

    oh my god, thanks for making my night spider. i'll come up with another round of suggestions.

By dave. on Friday, June 4, 2004 - 03:16 am:

    we have pies but they're not mainstream.

    we have a tradition in our family of making vegan shepard's pie, which is basically a bunch of wintery, rooty veggies, onions and tofu. the tofu is chopped into cubes and tossed in a bag of nutritional yeast, then sauteed until golden brown. the veggies are also sort of half sauteed with some spike. then you mix it all together, throw it in a pie shell, smother it in nutritional yeast gravy, and bake it up.

    hefty grub.

    is bacon and egg pie like quiche (not the mayans)? i love bacon quiche. i made a delicious bacon and extra aged cheddar quiche on easter.

By dave. on Friday, June 4, 2004 - 03:25 am:

    note: the aforementioned tradition is an xmas meal tradition.

By dave. on Friday, June 4, 2004 - 03:28 am:

    did anyone's mom used to make hot dogs split in half, loaded with mashed potatoes, topped with cheddar cheese and then baked in the oven?

    damn, that was my favorite when i was a kid.

By moonit on Friday, June 4, 2004 - 03:36 am:

    Bacon and egg pie is very very far away from quiche. Okay not really, but kind of. Basically you lay pastry in a cake tin, chuck in sliced bacon and raw eggs (you can poke the yolk so it doesn't stay as a firm yellow blob), add in mix veges (but I don't) then I layer with cheese, put another layer of pastry over the top and cook. Mmmmmm.

    My mum used to make that hot dog thing, but with sausages. She also used to make scotch eggs - boiled egg wrapped in sausage meat and rolled in breadcrumbs, baked. Eaten hot or cold.

By dave. on Friday, June 4, 2004 - 03:57 am:

    so it's like if the characters in a william golding novel tried to make a bacon quiche, but only had the ingredients and no instructions?

    what kind of sausage? banger or bratwurst?

    years ago, i went through a bockwurst and kraut phase. brrr.

By moonit on Friday, June 4, 2004 - 06:06 am:

By sarah on Friday, June 4, 2004 - 11:40 am:

    how about a tuna fish hot fudge sundae?

By Sye on Friday, June 4, 2004 - 12:46 pm:

    Is it extremely weird that I am getting so hungry with all this talk of quiches and stuffed hot dogs and such?

By Spider on Friday, June 4, 2004 - 12:51 pm:

    Not at all.

    Sarah - egads, woman.

By sarah on Friday, June 4, 2004 - 01:03 pm:

    what? too weird even for your pops?

By patrick on Friday, June 4, 2004 - 01:13 pm:

    that hot dog thing sounds fucking awesome dave.

By kazu on Friday, June 4, 2004 - 01:36 pm:

    All this stuff is making me hungry and I don't eat hotdogs or sausages. Even the tuna fish hotfudge sunday is making me crave either a huge slab of tuna steak made with just a touch of tamari and lime juice or a hotfudge sunday. Or maybe both, but not at the same time.

By dave. on Friday, June 4, 2004 - 01:39 pm:

    it is awesome but, like so many things, it tastes best when mom makes it.

    ever notice that so many things taste so much better when someone else makes it. deli sandwiches, for example. i used to work in a deli and we would make each other's sandwiches because they tasted better than the sandwiches we made for ourselves.

By kazu on Friday, June 4, 2004 - 01:42 pm:

    THE cultivation of Orchards is worthy of all the care that has ever been bestowed upon it.--New opinions are indeed propagated of late years, and many converts are gained to the notion, that strong beer is cheaper, wholesomer, and more favorable to the strength and morals of the laboring classes of society than cyder. Every part of this creed is probably groundless.

    ORCHARDS.:To Doctor A. DEXTER, second Vice-President of the Massachusetts Agricultural Society.
    LAZARUS REDSTREAK. The Massachusetts Agricultural Repository and Journal (1801-1832). Boston: Jan 1, 1801

By kazu on Friday, June 4, 2004 - 01:43 pm:

    that's cute about making each other's sandwiches. and it's true, it's always better when someone else makes it.

By patrick on Friday, June 4, 2004 - 01:53 pm:

    yes dave. absolutely. i learned that early on. my baloney sammich's just never jived as well as grandma's.

By Spider on Friday, June 4, 2004 - 03:48 pm:

    Hell, I'll go one step further -- other people's food tastes better. I remember when I was a kid, I'd watch my mom eat french bread with peanut butter and just DROOL, thinking it looked SO Freaken Good. So I'd break out my own french bread and peanut butter and...eccch.

By Spider on Friday, June 4, 2004 - 03:50 pm:

    An update about my dad: so apple sauce and wine was a no-go, but this morning when he brought in the strawberries he picked from our patch, he -- in complete seriousness -- asked if he should cut some up and put them in Coke.

    You can't make stuff like this up, people.

By patrick on Friday, June 4, 2004 - 04:01 pm:

    spider. you need to get a digital camera. take pictures. you can be annoynymous with the story, but there is seriously so much potential in this. i really feel a This American Life story in this.

By kazu on Friday, June 4, 2004 - 04:02 pm:

    I once went out for breakfast and one of the guys ordered chocolate chip pancakes with a side of cole slaw. then while everyone was making him fun of him, just for ordering both, he mixed some of the slaw in with a bite of the pancakes.

By Spider on Friday, June 4, 2004 - 04:22 pm:

    Patrick, I'm with you, man. I need to start keeping a journal of the unholy food combinations, with pictures.

    He does eat normal food, too. Just so you know -- not everything he eats is gross.

    Kazu, once when I went out to a diner for breakfast with my dad, he put the jelly from the little jelly packets on his spiced potatoes. I'm sure, had he been present at your breakfast, he would have, if not sampled your friend's "concoction" (as he calls his meals), certainly approved of the spirit in which it was created.

By kazu on Friday, June 4, 2004 - 04:57 pm:

    so, I'm sitting here eating some spinach with a little salad dressing. I used to love this dressing, but stopped using for a while and just used olive oil and balsamic vinegar. Now, this dressing is just way too sweet.

By patrick on Friday, June 4, 2004 - 05:10 pm:

    olive oil and vinegar with a little pepper is all you need.

    im having dank coffee. as in, the coffee that first comes out when brewing, the kind that makes you wanna poop.

By Spider on Friday, June 4, 2004 - 06:20 pm:

    My standard dressing is olive oil, red wine vinegar, salt, pepper, parsley, and oregano.

By patrick on Friday, June 4, 2004 - 06:30 pm:

    can't go wrong. if im doing it quick, pepper will do.

    if im getting into it....i'll mince some garlic and snip some parsley and basil from the garden.

By heather on Friday, June 4, 2004 - 06:30 pm:

    my standard diet is olive oil

    maybe some rice

By kazu on Friday, June 4, 2004 - 06:31 pm:

    girl, you need be getting more riboflavins

By kazu on Friday, June 4, 2004 - 07:02 pm:

    at my favorite restaurant here, my stepfather ordered this cake that was made with olive oil and came with a basil gelato. you wouldn't think something like that would work, but it was lovely.

    the ice-cream place at the north market in columbus has crazy flavors too, using curries, chardonnay, flowers, good stuff.

By wisper on Friday, June 4, 2004 - 07:33 pm:

    Strawberries in coke? That would be okay!

    have you never had marashino (i have never had to spell that word!) cherries in coke?
    Like a cherry coke?

    I'd also like to know, are fresh cherries so damn expensive everywhere? $3.99 a Kg? You do the math. I only dared to buy a handfull.

By Spider on Friday, June 4, 2004 - 07:35 pm:

    I'm eating a spoonful of Nutella right now. It was the only chocolate I could find in the house.

By kazu on Friday, June 4, 2004 - 07:38 pm:

    i'm going to whole foods in a little while to get me some dessert goodies. I don't know just what though.

By Platypus on Saturday, June 5, 2004 - 04:36 am:

    Cherries are, in fact, expensive everywhere.

    I am eating vegan nutella on pear. It is yummilicious.

By Spider on Monday, August 7, 2006 - 11:49 am:

    OK, I had to come here and report this...

    You know the ghastly beverage my father made which I
    mention in the first post in this thread? He has topped

    It was Saturday night. I sat at the kitchen table, burning
    CDs on my laptop, while my dad sat across from me,
    working on his bills and sipping some beverage. I
    peered around the laptop monitor and beheld a terrible
    vision: He was mixing beer (Keystone Light), Diet Red
    Mountain Dew, and Sierra Mist Zero in a tall glass and
    drinking the results.

    "Oh my God, what are you doing?" from me -- "Heh heh
    heh...it's refreshing!" from him.

    You know, he's been in Peru for a month...I haven't
    seen him since Christmas....I cut him some slack,
    snickered to myself over his atrophied taste buds, and
    went back to my business.


    (Brace yourselves. This is something awful.)

    A few minutes later, he opened a can of diced
    pineapple and poured the syrup in a glass. I thought,
    "Yeesh. Well, I guess it's an improvement of sorts over
    that....other stuff he was drinking. At least it's a
    homogenous liquid."

    Oh, no.

    (I'm not kidding -- brace yourselves.)


    He poured the remainder of his beer/Diet Red
    Mountain Dew/Sierra Mist concoction into the glass
    with the pineapple syrup, and then topped the glass off
    with a healthy splash of red wine (sangria, I believe).

    I KNOW.

    I saw him raise the glass to his mouth and I started
    TO DIE" etc. etc.

    "What? I like it."

    We both began laughing so hard our faces scrunched
    up. And then I was inspired -- I had to taste this.

    All I'm going to say is, it was thick.

By Natev on Monday, August 7, 2006 - 12:03 pm:

    ,,,mmmhmmm,i like it thick.

By Natev on Monday, August 7, 2006 - 12:24 pm:

    when natev was in the army,during kosovar invasion of jamaica,we drank a drink.in a blender,one scoop of vaanilla icecream,four shots rum,half a banana,an egg when natev could win a hand of poker against lt.milo minderbinder.

By Natev on Monday, August 7, 2006 - 12:26 pm:

    ,,,,rum milkshake good for kidneys,cures seborrhoeic dermatitis,very pleasing to natev palate.

By Natev on Monday, August 7, 2006 - 02:38 pm:

    natev thinks sorabji is dead on a monday morning,where is jack and dougie?still in bed,planning their troll evil against natev and v?natev will cast the turkey curse,trolls will understand real magickka.

By Natev on Monday, August 7, 2006 - 02:42 pm:

    ,,,hey v,did you fight in the kosovar invasion of jamaica?natev does not remember you there,but natev was constantly stoned.killing people when stoned is like killing people in your dreams,only sometimes the pain lingers.natev does not want to believe in reality,some days.

By Natev on Monday, August 7, 2006 - 02:45 pm:

    v,the trolls are particularly bad today,their silence is no comfort.

By sarah on Monday, August 7, 2006 - 03:00 pm:

By droopy on Monday, August 7, 2006 - 03:28 pm:

    good for greenland.

    "You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer." - Frank Zappa

By Spider on Tuesday, August 8, 2006 - 01:17 pm:

    Thanks, Sarah! I'm ready.

By Spider on Thursday, May 29, 2008 - 12:07 am:

    My brother caught my dad making one of his abominations on camera: behold.

    (That's Sprite Zero and Keystone Light beer. And a smile.)

    From the looks of him, he probably just finished mowing the lawn. Not that this excuses his deplorable taste in beverages, but when he's been in the sun he's even more prone to making bad decisions in the kitchen.

By droopy on Thursday, May 29, 2008 - 12:13 am:

    your dad's adorable.

By moonit on Thursday, May 29, 2008 - 12:48 am:

    Your dad is so cute. I want to put him in my pocket and feed him vegemite and cheese sandwhiches.

By Spider on Thursday, May 29, 2008 - 12:53 am:

    He'd eat them, too. :)

    Or...wait. Was it marmite he had and didn't like? I can't remember now.

    You should hear him talk -- his accent is also cute. Not at all the stereotypical Italian-American accent.

By Spider on Thursday, May 29, 2008 - 12:55 am:

    I mean, Italian-from-Italy-living-in-America accent.

    Whatever. You know what I mean.

By sarah on Thursday, May 29, 2008 - 11:52 am:

    your dad is so cute! i know it's already been said, but that was my first thought when i saw that photo.

    he's so cute i can't even get grossed out by his beverage choice.

By Spider on Thursday, May 29, 2008 - 12:26 pm:

    Aw, thanks. :)

    After my brother emailed me that picture, I replied to him and my dad, saying, "I was eating when I saw this, and I gagged a little. But at least it wasn't Mountain Dew and beer."

    This morning my dad responded: "Oh, come on, it's not THAT bad, and by now you should be used to it!"

    And he's right: compared to that repulsive concoction I described on August 7, 2006, Sprite and beer is nothing. Child's play!

    On his refridgerator is an old Blondie cartoon -- Dagwood's cheerfully eating his lunch, his coworker asks what tastes so good, Dagwood tells him it's hot dog soup, coworker runs for the bathroom looking ill, and Dagwood says, "Some people have no sense of adventure." Dagwood is my dad's soul brother.

By droopy on Thursday, May 29, 2008 - 03:25 pm:

    i just did a google search with "beer sprite", and a lot of responses came up. apparently, it's a common practice in europe to mix beer and sprite or other soft drinks together - in england it's called a "beer shandy." so, in truth, your dad's just being continental.

    i find the combination unappealing, but i really can't fault your father. what you described him doing in the first post on this thread - mixing all the different drinks together - my friends and i did in high school when we would steal a just a little bit from each bottle in our parent's liquor cabinet and mix it all together in en empty coke (liter) bottle.

    it could be worse.

By platypus on Thursday, May 29, 2008 - 03:56 pm:

    How does one accidentally drink a toe, is what I want to know.

By semillama on Thursday, May 29, 2008 - 06:01 pm:

    Lemonade and lager - a good combination. My new favorite summer beer is Leinenkugel's Summer Shandy. Rather nice after a hot day in the sun!

    Also, I will also add my voice to the "Spider's dad is cute" chorale.

By platypus on Thursday, May 29, 2008 - 07:20 pm:

    He looks both adorable, and as though he is secretly plotting something dastardly. I love it.

By droopy on Thursday, May 29, 2008 - 08:20 pm:

    like he's mixing up a drink for the ladies - so sweet and innocuous they don't expect there's any alcohol in it.

    by the way, i want to fix your dad up with my mom. she may be a little old for him, but maybe they can make it work. she has a dream of retiring to italy - specifically umbria, but i bet she'd go anywhere with a cutie like your dad. she has already been married to an irish-american who speaks fluent italian.

    as for accidentially swallowing toes: back in the early nineties i lived in an old house with two other guys. as befitted young losers, we lived in squalor - squalor so rich in nutritious filth that our roaches grew to the size of my big toe. i drank a lot of red wine; roaches are attracted to red wine. many was the time that i was draining the last of my wine glass (which might have been a jelly jar) to find a dead, pickled roach at the bottom of it. i don't doubt that i managed to swallow a few of them after a long bought of drinking.

    spider: by any chance, is your father's name erminio?

By sarah on Thursday, May 29, 2008 - 10:26 pm:

    roaches are also attracted to beer, as are garden slugs.

    my child always tries to eat her own toes.

By Spider on Monday, June 2, 2008 - 11:03 pm:

    Droopy: you are correct.

    However, I must quash your matchmaking scheme, as he has vowed never to marry again. So either your mother must be quite the babe to persuade him to change his mind, or content with living in sin.

    I will pass on the info regarding his continental tastes, and I will recommend he try lemonade and lager.

By droopy on Tuesday, June 3, 2008 - 02:25 am:

    actually, there was never any hope to get our parents together. not only is my mother not keen on marriage, i think she hates the idea of living with other people. my sister and i worry about her now that she's going to be retiring soon. i wouldn't use the word "babe", but i think she's held up well: the woman on the right.

    i should pass along my recipe for a mojito. though you'd have to get your hands on some topo chico.

By Dr Pepper on Tuesday, June 3, 2008 - 03:23 am:

    droopy, who's the lady on the left? I am curious.

By moonit on Wednesday, June 4, 2008 - 02:12 am:

    Your mum looks cute Droopy.

By patrick on Wednesday, June 4, 2008 - 02:04 pm:

    im not sure if this would be considered "unholy" but Im having leftovers from last nights dinner which consists of a casserole. we call it "bulger surprise". the gf totally made this up:

    bulger wheat, soy taco, labna baked. its pretty fucking strange but surprisingly not bad.

By patrick on Wednesday, June 4, 2008 - 02:04 pm:

    im not sure if this would be considered "unholy" but Im having leftovers from last nights dinner which consists of a casserole. we call it "bulger surprise". the gf totally made this up:

    bulger wheat, soy taco, labna baked. its pretty fucking strange but surprisingly not bad.

By Spider on Friday, July 18, 2008 - 06:27 pm:

    Tell me if this sounds unholy.

    I bought wild rice and black beluga lentils from Trader Joes (they're in separate packages), and the fact that they're such black foodstuffs is intriguing. I want to make something visually appealing, and I'm looking at the items in my refrigerator and seeing red peppers and shrimp. I think the red of the peppers and the white and orange of the shrimp would look fantastic against the black of the rice and the lentils.

    But I'm leery, and concerned about the texture of the combination. What do you think of this?

    If you would give it a go, what kind of herbs/spices/sauces/flavoring goods would you recommend I add?

    I also have a can of black beans in the pantry. Does this sound like a good addition to the mixture or have I gotten carried away?

By droopy on Friday, July 18, 2008 - 06:39 pm:

    i think black beens tambien would be overkill. my first thoughts as to spices would be either mediteranean or indian. maybe i can find something in one of my cookbooks. i'd like to see how this turns out.

By Spider on Friday, July 18, 2008 - 06:45 pm:

    I don't like Indian, so it will have to be Mediterranean or Northern European. :)

    Cumin, cilantro, and curry are the Moloch, Lucifer, and Azazel of my herb/spice pantheon.

By droopy on Friday, July 18, 2008 - 06:55 pm:

    but you do do onions and garlic, right? you can't possibly do this dish without onions and garlic.

By Spider on Friday, July 18, 2008 - 07:05 pm:

    But of course. Actually, it's scallions and garlic -- I don't (hang on to your armrests) have any onions on hand.

    I was thinking of some kind of herbed butter sauce, maybe? With thyme and scallions? I don't know.

    For some reason, I have no confidence with this dish.

By Spider on Friday, July 18, 2008 - 07:09 pm:

    (Hey, I had a dream about you last night. Tricia Helfer was having an affair with you and posting about it here. It was part of a larger dream arc involving a sting operation of some kind, in which my dad worked with Elliot Stabler from Law and Order and broke into cars looking for evidence. The Tricia Helfer affair portion of the dream was PG-rated, I'm sorry to report, but you seemed happy.)

By Spider on Friday, July 18, 2008 - 07:12 pm:

    (Also, I woke up this morning with "The Streets of Laredo" in my head. I don't know if there's any connection.)

    The rice will be done in 30 minutes. The pressure is on.

By patrick on Friday, July 18, 2008 - 07:13 pm:

    i think it sounds ok. the black beans would be over kill seeing that you have lentils. the shrimp sounds gross but then again i dont like shrimp. how do you intend to cook the peppers and shrimp? i'd roast the peppers.

    have you ever had Forbidden Rice? its quite good and its totally black.

By droopy on Friday, July 18, 2008 - 07:32 pm:

    the song "the streets of laredo" about a dying cowboy? if that's the case, we might have some kind of psychic connection. i'm currently working on a song called "dead men don't get the blues" which involves a dead cowboy.

    i had to google tricia helfer. i can see how i'd be happy, but i can't imagine her being happy. if i ever have erotic dreams - a rare occurence in my usually dreamless life - they're usually pg-rated; mostly the involve looking into each other eyes and the promise of something. i'm getting so old.

    thyme sounds good. i looked up a paella recipe i have that i thought i could adapt, but there were to many hard-to-get ingredients like annato and saffron. (my barber sells saffron; one of these days i should buy some.)

    every couple of months i make a big pot of lentils. this i what i add to it: celery (w/leaves - very important), carrots, onions, garlic, parsley, thyme, and cayenne (just enough to warm the dish). i usually cook it in a tomato/chicken broth. this is probably the recipe i would try to adapt to the ingredients you have. but that's just me.

By patrick on Friday, July 18, 2008 - 08:06 pm:

    awwww, droop and spider met along the collective unconsciousness hwy

By Spider on Friday, July 18, 2008 - 08:19 pm:

    Patrick, didn't you have a dream about me once? :)

    That forbidden rice sounds awesome. I've never seen it around here but I'll keep an eye out. This wild rice has a really nice, nutty flavor, as well.

    The red peppers were roasted, so I sliced one into fine strips and mixed it into the rice and lentils (which have the consistency of barley -- they're not creamy but seed-like), and then I melted butter and laid about a dozen twigs of thyme in there for a couple of minutes. Removed the twigs and poured the butter into the rice, then tossed the shrimp in the leftover butter. The shrimp have been left to the side of the rice.

    This is a success. I really like the way the pepper slices brighten the rice visually as well as, um, gustatorily -- the rice is so mellow and earthy, and the peppers are bright and sweet. The thyme is only just there, so the natural flavor of the rice is allowed to hold the stage. A good meal for a ridiculously hot day. Tomorrow will be even worse, so I'm planning on staying indoors until Sunday.

    Droopy, that recipe sounds pretty dang good. (Minus the cayenne. Ashtaroth.) When I can leave the house again, I will get the ingredients and commence assemblage.

By Spider on Friday, July 18, 2008 - 08:21 pm:

    Yep, that "Streets of Laredo." Johnny Cash does a nice cover.

By patrick on Friday, July 18, 2008 - 08:25 pm:

    i did dear spider, have a dream about you.

    i think the likes of dave, droop and nate have popped into my dreams over the years

By Spider on Wednesday, July 30, 2008 - 11:09 pm:

    An email exchange with my father:

    Me --

    Papa, I saw this posted on a message board thread about bad cooks and thought of you:

    >>Her specialty is a dish of her own invention - lemon pie filling, fruit cocktail, and chopped lettuce, in vinaigrette.

    Would you eat that?

    My dad --

    Probably not, because vinegar and lemon pie filling have completely different tastes and would clash, I think.
    Even I have some standards and some limits!
    Ciao, cara.

    Me --

    What if they left the vinegar out and it was just lemon filling, fruit cocktail, and lettuce?

    My dad --

    Oh, OK, that would be fine!

    You can't make this up, people.

By Spider on Wednesday, July 30, 2008 - 11:14 pm:

    BTW, I didn't want to correct my dad and tell him lemon filling and vinaigrette are both acids. Let him believe they're completely different and I may prevent future culinary abominations.

By patrick on Thursday, July 31, 2008 - 03:47 pm:

    thats fuckin hilarious. see, im with you, there is some synergy with the lemon filling and vinegar.

    see, for me, it would depend on the type of vinegar, malt? balsimic? cider?

    for someone who loves to take shots of vinegar by themselves, im not totally repulsed by this idea. the worst part for me is the fruit cocktail part.

By Spider on Thursday, July 31, 2008 - 05:11 pm:

    The worst part for me is the lettuce.

    I've had strawberries in balsamic vinegar and mascarpone cheese (I can't remember if there was sugar added), and the above recipe isn't *too* different from that. Except for the lettuce. WTF, y'all.

    It's like something out of a bad '50s potluck dinner, lettuce and jello and fruit cocktail. Gaaag. Or something out of James Lilek's Gallery of Regrettable Food.

By Nate on Thursday, July 31, 2008 - 08:07 pm:

    i agree with your dad. i think they clash because they are both acids.

    it would be best with iceberg lettuce, or something else strong in texture and light on flavor.

    it reminds me of when a chinese restaurant serves lemon chicken as breaded boneless breasts, sliced, and layed on a bed of chopped lettuce before dousing with the sticky sweet lemon chicken sauce. that lettuce is a pretty good sauce vehicle.

By patrick on Tuesday, August 5, 2008 - 03:41 pm:

    sauce vehicles.

    i've really been paying attention to how different pastas serve as better or worse sauce vehicles. i've been digging on orchiette as a sauce vehicle for a bolognse sauce as an example.

By Danielssss on Tuesday, August 5, 2008 - 04:15 pm:

    I'll take mine with a Miata

By Nate on Tuesday, August 5, 2008 - 05:07 pm:

    there is no way you eat bolognese sauce.

By Danielssss on Tuesday, August 5, 2008 - 07:20 pm:

    INGREDIENTS (Nutrition)
    1/4 cup olive oil
    1 onion, chopped
    2 cloves garlic, minced
    1 pound lean ground beef
    1/4 pound thinly sliced prosciutto, chopped
    4 tablespoons butter
    2 roma (plum) tomatoes, chopped
    1/4 cup tomato paste
    1 teaspoon salt
    1 teaspoon ground black pepper
    Add to Recipe Box
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    In a large saucepan saute the onion and garlic in the olive oil. Add ground beef and continue cooking. Stir in prosciutto and cook for 5 to 6 minutes. Add 2 tablespoons of the butter, chopped tomatoes, and tomato paste. Let sauce simmer for 10 minutes. Season with salt and pepper.
    Simmer for one hour. Add additional butter and simmer for an additional half hour.

    one takes bolognese sauce

By Nate on Tuesday, August 5, 2008 - 09:19 pm:

    who the fuck cooks prosciutto? and a couple tomatoes? this recipe is a fucking travesty.

    i think people can't remember 'pancetta' and just figure any Italian product that comes from a pig will do. simmering prosciutto for 15 minutes? that's fucking absurd.

    i'm feeling deeply offended. i wish the great one who walks behind the fonts would come in and delete that recipe.

    i know, you can't really ask for that. but seriously.

    and the tomatoes? bolognese is about the meat. it's not fucking tomato sauce. the tomato paste? yes, that's good. you need the tomato paste. but tomatoes on top of that? fucking imbecilic.

By Spider on Wednesday, August 6, 2008 - 12:04 am:

    We just make our standard tomato sauce and then add ground beef, cook for an hour, serve. Do we pass muster?

    I made something unholy last night. The recipe was for pork loin with a plum sauce. I love plums, pork is all right, the sweet/salty flavor combo is always a go. So I made this dish, but I started before reading the recipe all the way through. Lesson learned.

    A ways into the procedure, I see that the sauce calls for a half-cup of balsamic vinegar. I like a splash of balsamic vinegar on salads and such, but the smell of it in large quantities nauseates me. I went through with it because there was no turning back at that point, but, oh Lord, I'm not doing that again. The taste wasn't that bad, but I had to open the patio door to get the smell out of the apartment.

    The recipe went like so:

    1/2 c. water
    1/2 c. balsamic vinegar
    4 TB sugar
    2 sprigs rosemary
    1/4 tsp vanilla
    1 lb. plums.

    Cut up the plums and lay on the bottom of a baking dish. Mix the rest of the ingredients and pour over top. Sprinkle additional sugar to taste on top. Roast for ~20 minutes. Then strain the liquid and boil to reduce to 1/2 c.

    What could I have substituted for the vinegar?

By sarah on Wednesday, August 6, 2008 - 12:16 am:

    what would Mario do?

By Spider on Wednesday, August 6, 2008 - 12:30 am:

    Mario Batali? HELP ME, SARAH.

By kazu on Wednesday, August 6, 2008 - 01:14 am:

    I could drink balsamic vinegar out of shot glasses.

    Maybe I will....

By jack on Wednesday, August 6, 2008 - 01:19 am:

    "What could I have substituted for the vinegar?"

    A reduced quantity of it, first off. 1/2 c. sounds like a lot.

    And perhaps add in one or, at most, two other savory elements in small quantities.

By wisper on Wednesday, August 6, 2008 - 02:15 am:

    i agree with kazu

By agatha on Wednesday, August 6, 2008 - 12:21 pm:

    I really don't think there's any replacement for that. Maybe rice vinegar- less sweet?

By Dr Pepper on Wednesday, August 6, 2008 - 01:05 pm:

    jack, the substitute for the vinegar would be ammonia, try that and you will love the flavor.

By Danielssss on Wednesday, August 6, 2008 - 02:35 pm:

    unholy bolognese, so add more meat, reduce the tomatoes, add more meat, eliminate the tomatoes, add more meat.

    or tofu.

    italian tofu.

    drinking apple cider vinegar is good for you. skip the ammonia, it's usually bad for you.

    could be we have brazilian-croatian non- spanglish speaking cooks who need our recipes for unholy food. we must protect the innocent.

    I never said it was good sauce.

By sarah on Thursday, August 7, 2008 - 12:54 pm:

    sorry spider, can't help you on this one.

    next time, just buy the plum sauce. readily available, i'm sure, at a Trader Joe's type market, and probably at any asian market.

    of course, that's not what Mario would do, but i'm not Mario.

By droopy on Thursday, August 7, 2008 - 08:29 pm:

    this is convenient.

    those of you who are vinegar lovers can help me in an experiment. dissolve eggshells (like the ones leftover from breakfast or something else) in your favorite vinegar and tell me how it turns out. does it change the taste or texture of the vinegar. would you use eggshell (calcium) infused vinegar.

By sarah on Thursday, August 7, 2008 - 11:34 pm:

    i am totally going to do that this weekend. i'll let you know how it turns out.

    but i have to know, what in the world gave you the idea to try this?

By droopy on Friday, August 8, 2008 - 01:41 am:

    i was raised by people one generation away from true poverty. so i was brought up in a "nothing is wasted" kind of culture.

    the full scope of the experiment is to dissolve eggshells in vinegar, vodka, and lemon/lime juice just to see what happens.

    i think eggshells are a neglected nutrition source.

    i also endorse entomophagy

By Danielssss on Friday, August 8, 2008 - 01:27 pm:

    GO FDA!!!!!
    GO FDA!!!!!

    "Many people eat insects without even knowing it. Insects are so widespread that it is impossible to remove all traces of them from fresh and processed foods. The United States Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has set levels at which insects in foods pose no health hazard."

    GO FDA!!!!!

    My alcoholic grand daddy from Appalachia used to soak his eggs in beer, with or without the shell. I think the practice came from his bootlegging days of his youth (which was the family business and made the family fortune: notably potato whiskey or vodka, later maple sugar products):) He'd drink the beer and the egg would come a tumbling down the glass into his mouth and be gone. I thought it was magic.

    Other family members would always use coffee grounds and egg shells as fertilizer in the garden, or feed the ducks, chickens, or trout with either or both discards.

    I got plenty of reallt bright green beetles in the plants outside, (grapes and pussywillow bushes they like best, after eating the tomatoes) and I wouldn't eat the bright green ones at all. No sirree.

    Imagine what a chicken thinks when fed eggshells that only hours or days before came from them. What would they think? Peck. Peck. Peck.

    I don't eat red meat or factory pork or beef because of the way the animals' lives are ended, violently. We have turned into a voilent society because in part we meat eaters have taken on the violence of the death of the food stuffs we eat.

    Imagine what a brussel sprout might think when plucked gingerly and carefully and lovingly from the stalk; imagine what a family raised pet steer thinks when led to slaughter. Then imagine what a factory farmed animal thinks when unlovingly killed without anyone explaining it's going to feed little children.

    Make sure you wash the shells before using them in a tincture.

By sarah on Friday, August 8, 2008 - 05:43 pm:

    i only buy organically grown food and naturally raised and processed animal proteins. but i still wash everything first. even my ketchup is labeled organic.

    but what i was going to say was, my coworkers daughters all got their periods when they turned 10 years old. yummy hormones in your milk and meat!

By platypus on Friday, August 8, 2008 - 07:07 pm:

    Don't forget estrogenically modified crops like soy!

By wisper on Friday, August 8, 2008 - 09:22 pm:

    so what age did girls get their periods in the past?

By sarah on Friday, August 8, 2008 - 11:25 pm:

By Dr Pepper on Saturday, August 9, 2008 - 12:29 am:

    So much for hormones.

By Danielsssss on Saturday, August 9, 2008 - 01:02 pm:

By sarah on Thursday, March 24, 2011 - 06:11 pm:

    in a desperate attempt to make myself feel better from the inside,currently i am drinking the juice of:

    1 bunch garden-grown russian kale
    1 bunch dinosaur kale
    1 large beet
    3 large carrots
    4 celery stalks
    1 handful garden-grown cilantro
    2 lemons
    1 lime
    1 pink grapefruit
    3 large pink lady apples
    a big chunk of ginger root

    i read that freshly juiced vegetables and oranges lose most of their nutritional value within hours of juicing. which sucks if that's true, because it made a shit ton of juice, which is being stored in mason jars on the fridge.

By Dr Pepper on Friday, March 25, 2011 - 12:36 am:

    I am better off drinking a moonshine.


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