don't get gas on your scrotum Do you have any regrets?: don't get gas on your scrotum
By Whet on Thursday, July 16, 1998 - 10:16 pm:
    Tis pretty hot down here in the good ole south, and I work alone in my shop - so most of the time I wear a pair of shorts and tennis shoes. Only dress code is not having any privates hanging out if a customer happens down the drive.

    So the other afternoon its really hot, things are comfortably swingin in my shorts when I feel this sudden twinge. Left nut actually, it hangs a little lower than the right, but I'm told thats pretty normal for most guys. I figure oh well some damn sweat bee crawled up the leg of my shorts and nailed me good. So I take a quick look about, and no one in site as usual, pull out my scrotum for an inspection to see what injury was sustained from the invading insect.

    I can FEEL where it hurts, by that time stinging like hell, but I LOOK and LOOK and can't find a single sting or bite. I'm like hmmm mabe I just got a hair caught really bad or something, kinda rubbed it for a while, which felt pretty good actually ;) then put everything away and went back to work.

    Not 2 minutes later - I was hoppin around on one leg again cursing that sweat bee that obviously was trapped in my underwear and working me over. Then I looked around, and removed my shorts to examine everything trying to find that damn sweat bee. NOTHING.

    WEll the little bee must have got away when I took off my shorts, thats all it could be but by now I'm stinging pretty bad, so figure its time to treat the insect bite. Looking around the shop I find a can of 'lanacane' pain relieving first aid spray. Got sunburned pretty bad a few weeks ago, bad enough I couldn't wear a shirt and was difficult to work so ran up to the local store got the can and got the lady to spray down my back and shoulders (friendly people in the local stores here LOL)

    Reading the label:
    'for external use only. Do not spray into the eyes, or on anal or vaginal areas'
    Didn't say anything about my scrotum.

    So I give it a couple of puffs, the cool soothing fast acting stuff taking the sting away almost instantly. Ahhhhhh finally relief. Or I thought.

    Just about the time I got my shorts back on - it hit me. First a funny twinge, then a sting just like before, but rapidly getting worse with every second. Almost instantly I was in AGONY... my smile fading from happiness to pure terror.
    I didn't look around that time, I didn't CARE, I hobbled over to the stainless steel sinkripping my shorts off rolling my nuts over into the sink, standing on my tippy toes turning on the cold water full blast fighting back tears it hurt so bad.

    After about FIVE minutes of running cold water over my nuts, the pain finally started to subside...
    Sitting down, wiping the sweat from my face, tears from my eyes, I got my shorts and put everything back in place and went back to work thinking whew that was a close one, glad its over.

    Wait a minute though - I just couldn't possibly BELIEVE that that sweat bee was STILL in there somewhere. Angry and pretty much totally pissed at this point, I ripped off my shorts again determined to FIND that little fucker.

    Well I noticed my shorts were a little damp, *right* in the crotch, but hey I just had been washing my scrotum in cold water and figured thats how it got wet.

    It was then, and only then I detected the faint whiff of GASOLINE.

    Here's the deal. When I pulled off this gas tank, the rubber hose was hanging down, with just a little gas gas left inside, and the hose curled RIGHT between my legs and neatly deposited about a tablespoon of gas smack in the crotch of my shorts.

    Any IDIOT knows gasoline and nuts don't mix.

By Starchy on Friday, July 17, 1998 - 11:15 am:

    But, what in the name of Reinhold Weege is a "sweat bee"?

By Blindswine on Friday, July 17, 1998 - 12:31 pm:

By Blindswine on Friday, July 17, 1998 - 12:32 pm:
    or maybe i should say,

    "MAZEL TOV!"

By Whet on Friday, July 17, 1998 - 09:16 pm:
    Sweat bee is one of mother nature's pesky little creations that is roughly equivalent to taking a bumble bee and shrinking it down to say 2mm.
    Attracted to the salt in sweat, and has a nasty little sting for such a small insect - hence the name 'sweat bee'.
    They *say* the sting is minor - but tell that to a guy that's been nailed in the scrotum by one!

    Or for the official line on sweat bee's:
    The Sweat Bee

By Brett Morris on Saturday, July 18, 1998 - 10:46 pm:
    I can't find my lighter.

By Niner on Monday, July 20, 1998 - 04:58 am:
    next time try "Ben Gay":)

By Quidam on Monday, July 20, 1998 - 05:31 am:
    no, actually I've found that molotov cocktails are best when it's a mixture of gasoline, a lightweight oil and.....

    wait a minuet.

    This isn't the YMCA.

By Chordata on Monday, July 20, 1998 - 09:53 pm:
    stop fucking around with this kid's stuff.

    go right for napalm!

By Habercroix on Tuesday, July 21, 1998 - 12:10 am:
    I spent the summer of my 15th year working on the grounds crew at a local golf course. My main job was to help clear all the brush and weeds that had grown up around the perimeter of the course due to years of sloppy maintenance. I came down with poison ivy rashes a few times that summer. One painful breakout made its way "down there". This was a result of either using nature's restroom without checking my surroundings or endulging in my favorite hobby at the time (well, still a favorite) before showering. One restless night, I couldn't resist the urge to scratch. I must have worked non-stop for fifteen to twenty minutes and only halted when the itching turned into pain. I walked to the bathroom to see what was going on. I flipped on the light and gazed at myself in the mirror. The old love-pulse matrix has swelled to about thrice the size as normal. I felt like a porn star. Needless to say, I grabbed the Polaroid and calomine lotion.

By Habercroix on Tuesday, July 21, 1998 - 12:14 am:
    Damn, I spelled endulging encorrectly. Please ixcuse me.

By Chordata on Tuesday, July 21, 1998 - 01:05 am:
    Oh my gosh. I think we need to go to the American Medical Association and declare poison ivy scrotum as a national emergency.

    The EXACT same thing happened to my best friend. He worked a temp job with public works, ran into some ivy, and the rash wandered south. His testicles and penis grew to twice the normal size, but it was horrible. The skin split and cracked and itched so badly he had to sit in the bathtub all day. It took him almost a month to recover. Now, a year later, he just discovered he has a massive hernia that was trigged by the inflammation.

    Poison ivy is really scary shit sometimes.

By Familiar on Tuesday, July 21, 1998 - 10:29 am:
    I am a cosmic love pulse matrix becoming a technicolor interpositive?

By Habercroix on Wednesday, July 22, 1998 - 02:18 am:
    Familiar has discovered the conceptual continuity..........the exotic fragrance is what the Beatles get off on.

By -oDDBALL oDD- on Wednesday, July 22, 1998 - 07:11 am:
    I thought I recognized it...what is that, MUSK?

By Nate on Wednesday, July 22, 1998 - 02:30 pm:
    no p. ivy in california?


    when i was entering puberty i beat off with a handful of shampoo. i failed to rinse it off all the way. all my stuff dried up and flaked away.

    i had to grow a whole new set.

    but it was more a discomfort than pain. i pity the poisonivygasoline crew.

By Asia on Wednesday, July 29, 1998 - 01:41 pm:
    i was putting gas in my car on monday in north branford and it spilled all over my toes. i, for some reason, thought of this post right after it happened.

By Logan5 on Thursday, July 30, 1998 - 08:54 am:
    Pants. Mine are rentals.

By Quidam on Thursday, July 30, 1998 - 03:45 pm:
    Logan 5,

    What are you doing goofing off in here? You're supposed to be out hunting runners. Don't make me go get Francis 7 to put a serious hurt on your ass. Get moving now. 30 Aquarius 98 - Carosel begins.

By Whet on Thursday, July 30, 1998 - 08:18 pm:
    Gas on your scrotum.
    Gas on your toes.
    How about toes on your scrotum?

By Doves on Friday, July 31, 1998 - 12:27 pm:
    shampoo is not a good thing to use to beat off with. Try vaseline or even Baby Oil OHHHHH

    Not that we know we are women. But know how you guys work.

By Darksquishy on Saturday, August 1, 1998 - 03:54 pm:
    hmmm... me feel better... me was big time icky icky feeling till me find this site... me read & read... aaahhh... me imagine the pain of it ... ooh... :) likin the pain...
    now pass some of that baby oil...
    that is better... aaaahhh....

By Brett Morris on Monday, August 3, 1998 - 03:28 am:
    I still can't find that lighter. I bought a new one (black; Village Pantry [tm] logo on it), and someone lifted it, too. I think it was the woman who vomited in my bed. She had it all planned out... just to get even with me. But alas, now we are not even, I am one up. And this is why I'll never win.

By Nate on Monday, August 3, 1998 - 11:07 pm:
    yeah, i'm a woman too.

    i was just kidding.

    i have to go fondle the prarie dog now.

    please, excuse.

By PyroniC on Thursday, August 20, 1998 - 04:15 am:

    How in God's name did I find this page?!?!?
    Ah well... good thing I have bookmarks. *click*

By LOLLYDICK on Saturday, August 29, 1998 - 10:27 pm:

    HEE HEE HEE!!!!

By Oh YEah on Sunday, October 27, 2002 - 02:35 pm:

    Do girls really masterbate as much as guys? if thats true, Guys come on, we aren't doing our jobs!!

By Hello My name is Anita Bryant on Sunday, October 27, 2002 - 07:18 pm:

    4 years 2 months late, but I'm fairly certain you are a jerkoff.
    P.S. Only homosexuals misspell masturbate.

By Joe on Sunday, November 3, 2002 - 12:40 am:

    holy shit, that's funny (sweat bees and all)!

By Joe on Tuesday, November 5, 2002 - 12:18 am:

    please, mark, let me have an "all lowercase" name on the message boards. i would really appreciate it.

By nigel mason on Tuesday, November 5, 2002 - 06:18 am:

    joe, I'm really and truly curious...I'm not trying to be mean...but why is it so important to you?

By mikel rayson on Tuesday, November 5, 2002 - 09:41 pm:

    oh, what a good question. maybe because Joe's such an intelligent, well-adjusted person with a productive and fulfiling life?

    maybe because Joe lives to play the pathetic neglected crybaby outsider while pretending that everyone else represents a unified crowd?

    maybe because Joe has no other way of distinguishing himself....than trying to be like everyone else?


    Joe! cut it out or i'll make you do a web search on your daughter's name! ha ha ha! cut it out, mr. organ stop! you outsider, you're just like everyone else! ha ha ha! stop trying to contact your personal mark thomas! he's not listening! ha ha ha! it's futile! you'll end up in THE OTHER PLACE! ha ha ha!


By Joe on Wednesday, November 6, 2002 - 11:25 pm:

    nigel, you can see how someone is always ready to explain me. who am i to contradict?


By Joe on Friday, November 8, 2002 - 02:30 am:

    in fact, it's interesting that the asshole who answered your question (no doubt a "regular" using a different name) knows my entire history, going back almost two years. perhaps he/she even created your name as a set-up. i had no idea i am such an obsession. be careful mikel. the others will get mad at you if you give me too much credit.

By Zed on Thursday, May 6, 2004 - 09:48 pm:

    I read somewhere once that a paste made from baking soda and water relieves itching... so I mixed some up and slapped it on my sweaty balls... BIG MISTAKE, just a little tingle at first but soon I had to rip off all my clothes and jump in the shower. OUCH!

By sarah on Wednesday, April 27, 2011 - 12:06 pm:

    gasoline and nuts don't mix. this is a piece of advice never to forget.

By J on Friday, April 29, 2011 - 01:46 am:

    Was this Senor's Balls?

By sarah on Friday, April 29, 2011 - 05:06 pm:

    oh lord, no. i was just quoting Whet.

    now that you've said that though, i'm reminded to get on his ass about scheduling a vasectomy. from what i've heard other men say about it, the anticipation of it is much worse than the actual procedure.

By Daniel on Sunday, May 1, 2011 - 10:09 pm:

    Two snips, two needles, two staples, and three days on ice. It's the 20 years later that the staples begin to itch.

    And by the way, the two needles and novacaine should be listed first. My doc thought it puzzling why the nurse hadn't anesthethized the area before the snipping took place.

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