Getting married Do you have any regrets?: Getting married

By Jinafishes on Friday, August 27, 1999 - 05:41 pm:

    Is anyone here married? And what was it like before you were getting married, like before the ceremony?

    I got really scared and depressed a couple days ago and could not figure out why or what from, and now, finally now it has hit me, why does this happen? Why does it take days to know why I'm sad? It pisses me off, I try to be analytical to myself, I realize I'm worried, I realize I got nervous, but I see no reason why. So forget it right? Well, it still ebbed at me, and now I finally figured out I'd be scared that if I got married I'd eventually lose the guy I love. Basically because mom's trying to scare me.

    She found out just recently (for the second time) that my fiance is an Aetheist. She was shocked 'And you want to marry this guy?' It was like a dagger to my heart. The thing is I'm a Christian, but down to earth I guess you could say, I'm analytical, I'm not biased, I'm okay with my sexuality and realize it's a part of being a person like so many Christians do not. And it hurt, it really fucking hurt, it had to be the most closed minded remark I've heard in quite a while. I tottally respect the guy I love for being aetheist. It could have just as much been switched around, say everyone were aetheists and I wasn't, why should I conform to everyone's beliefs when I have the right to believe whatever the hell I want? God, it makes me SO mad.

By Nate on Friday, August 27, 1999 - 05:53 pm:

    jesus wasn't christian...

    but he did preach tolerance.

By Waffles on Friday, August 27, 1999 - 06:57 pm:

    i am wife and I are both atheists. having to deal with parents (namely hers) during our wedding planning was fuckin nightmare. Her parents first expressed disapproval for me because..seriously...I wasn't a college graduate. Then they tried to tell us when and where we would have it and then her mom tried to tell her what dress she would have and wouldn't have. Finally we had had enough and we said..."ok fine.FUCK IT .we will fund and plan the wedding ourselves and we will send you an closed!!!!" they called back groveling within 30 minutes. NEVER forget it is YOUR day..NOT THEIRS...your husbands religion or lack there of is of NO CONCERN of theirs. SOrry but this kinda shit really crawls under my skin. Her parents freaked when they found out we weren't getting married in a chapel in her hometown of Fayetteville NC (fucking nightmare hell hole)but rather in a victorian mansion with my uncle/justice of the peace in atlanta...where we were living at the time. Her mom even gave her shit because the dress she wanted was off white and not one of those cheesy fufu fluffy big haired girl dresses...but rather a slim and simple and elegant one. Her mom bitched that the off white represents a second marriage...AS IF OUR MARRIAGE IS TAINTED BY THE COLOR OF HER DRESS.

    THEN....I got shit on my side because i insisted I buy my tux, rather then rent me renting you clothes seems so cheap and cheesy..on such an important day...I am sorry, call me particular but knowing i had to get my clothes back by six the next day would have totally made it so impersonal...they spent hundreds on her dress and she gets to keep it...why can't i spend a fraction of that and keep mine too. chances are, i will wear my tux before she will wear that dress again. Unfuckin believable.....they thought i was nuts. my mom wouldnt help me with the tux because of that, so i had to save up to buy it myself........ it was just so backaswards for them, they acted as if she was a guy named Bruce and we were flying to Vegas to get hitched in ourt underwear while skydiving with elvis.

    bottom's YOUR DAY, they are they to celebrate YOU and YOUR husband...that day has NOTHING to do with them.. Someone gave us that advice early on, and so many people have said since that they HONESTLY had the best time at our wedding. We sure as hell did. I think as long as you remember that you will get along fine. Don't take any shit and if anyone ...I MEAN ANYONE has any problems wit they way you are planning it or about anythign else...tell em to fuck's just not right and obviously from this nerved me then and still does now......oi vey i need a smoke

By Cyst on Saturday, August 28, 1999 - 04:07 am:

    I was a bridesmaid in a wedding with some seriously fucked-up families once.

    a gay male friend of mine was also an attendant for the bride, and another major player in the wedding was the bride's stepuncle, a west point bigot homophobe with whom the bride had had an affair during the preparations for her older sister's wedding.

    so I was hanging out with the gay bridesmaid the whole time, and this army captain asshole, whom I had met before when we were both in our civvies but who had never even given me a second glance, decided that I should be hanging out with him instead of the pouf in the tux.

    so he would never insult my friend to our faces, but he would make these homophobic comments at the bar real loud.

    wait, this story is going nowhere. it doesn't end in a fistfight, so what's the point.

    but I remember the bride had to make it very clear to her dad and his wife, and her mother and her husband, that there could be ABSOLUTELY NO POT SMOKING at the reception. she didn't care so much if people were stoned, but they HAD TO GO OUTSIDE AND HIDE.

    not because she thought it was unseemly. not just because her groom was a stupid redneck walmart cheating lying cowardly had-three-kids-already asshole who hated old hippies. but because many of the guests were on parole and could get in big trouble if anyone found out they were at a party with illegal drugs.

    but deals were made. and I think everyone went outside somewhere to smoke pot. it was pretty much not an option for the bride's parents to get through a long day in formal clothes without getting stoned a few times.

    the last time I saw my patron in person I was wearing that big navy blue brocade dress to a halloween party at his company's office. I think it may have helped land me the rug-buying job.

    better a bridesmaid than a bride, no shit. but you have to try extra hard to stay away from the bouquet because you're the one who's supposed to catch it.

By H on Saturday, August 28, 1999 - 09:16 am:

    One of the guys I work with went to a wedding where the groom's friends started a pool for people to place bets on how long the marriage would last. A year and a half later the guy showed up on my friend's front door. My friend was pissed -- he had his money on six months.

    Same guy just last month went to another wedding - a huge affair down in New Orleans - he thinks the bride's family must have spent close to $30K. The marriage is being annulled already.

    I'm glad I didn't know this guy when I got married. Sounds like he's carrying some kind of curse.

    Jinafishes - Family/Marriage conflicts are not uncommon and never pleasant. I hope that you are able to reach an acceptable balance in your situation.

By J on Saturday, August 28, 1999 - 10:37 am:

    What H says about people putting bets on your marriage hit me,nobody thought we would make it,and Jan.8th will be my 24th married year.They all laughed when I was pregnant too,but I did right by my kids and they are for the most part human.

By Agatha on Saturday, August 28, 1999 - 02:57 pm:

    j, don't you hate your husband? i thought you had mentioned that more than once.

    and jina, aren't you like eighteen years old? now is not the time to think about marriage, if this is the case.

By J on Saturday, August 28, 1999 - 03:26 pm:

    No I only hate my sister inlaw and Tom Moore,my husband is my best friend,but I hate some of the things he,s done to me,but I just have to let it go.

By Semillama on Saturday, August 28, 1999 - 03:52 pm:

    An example of doing the wedding your way: The only succesful wedding (so far) amongst my friends.

    took place Halloween ina reception hall. the souvenir books of matches were black. Everyone had to be in costume. My friend Shawn and I were Scotsmen in kilts, but we had no horses. We went outside and got baked, and drank lots of free scotch. Some guy came as an executioner and brought a real severed pig's head with him. No one would believe it was real until they touched it, it was quite amusing. The bestman was dressed up as batman. All of the people from the Upper peninsula missed the weding cake because we were in the bar. What a blast. Taht's the way to do it.

    My friend Devil Will is getting married by his friend the Rev. ison (who I don't think is really a minister). He is dresssing up for the occasion by wearing black carharts. I am looking forward to that as well. i have a bpair of black carharts as well. They say weddings are good places to meet single women, so perhaps I can hook up with some wild Kentucky gal...

By Cyst on Saturday, August 28, 1999 - 04:08 pm:

    if I ever marry for love, I want the wedding to be in a bowling alley.

    I think four of the five weddings I have attended have ended in divorce.

By Rhiannon on Saturday, August 28, 1999 - 04:48 pm:

    I like the wedding Semillama described a whole lot.

    Here's my ideal wedding:

    Me and the husb. run off somewhere, dragging in 2 people off the streets to serve as witnesses. Then, we come back and throw a big party for everyone we can think of, and the next day send them all little cards that say "thanks for attending our wedding reception."

    Because I hate making a big to-do about anything, especially myself, and I just can't imagine walking down the aisle with like 200 people staring at me. I'd be shaking all over. And if you're not comfortable at your own wedding, something is seriously wrong.

    I went to a family friend's son's wedding last Saturday and was disappointed. Everything seemed very rushed. $20,000 on something that lasted less than 1/2 hr. His bride didn't even look at him when she said her vows, and had no feeling in her voice either. And it's not that she was shy, cuz she's not. The reception proved that. I hope he's happy.

By J on Saturday, August 28, 1999 - 04:49 pm:

    Thats why instead of wasteing $$$ on a wedding,use the money for a down payment on a house.Cyst,your too young to be that jaded.

By Antigone on Saturday, August 28, 1999 - 05:56 pm:

    Rhiannon, will you marry me? I can be in Vegas in four hours. (my blood type is O...)

By J on Saturday, August 28, 1999 - 06:28 pm:

    Rhiannon this is the second time that I can remember him proposing,can,t you just think about this?I find this all so romantic,he,s got his heart on his shirt for you,he,s a good guy.

By Rhiannon on Saturday, August 28, 1999 - 07:39 pm:

    Antigone, my sweet, I told you already: I'm no good for you. Or your black cat.

    (Though you may propose as often as the mood strikes. That cheers me up immensely.)

    And I promise that next time anyone casts aspersions on the size of your manhood, I will defend your honor, rather than give in to the giggle fits.

    O positive or negative?

By J on Saturday, August 28, 1999 - 08:06 pm:

    Rhiannon,leave his penis out of this,anyone that honest,is bound to be good.

By NZAngel on Saturday, August 28, 1999 - 10:58 pm:

    I remember having a big argument with my mum over my wedding. We paid for it ourselves, and had to keep the guest list pretty small to meet our budget. Anyway, Mum wanted to invite all her friends, but I told her no, we are paying for it, and we can't afford to feed that many people. So she offered to pay for all the booze if we would let her invite some of her friends. It ended up a pretty good deal, because we were able to invite more of our friends as well.

    All the wedding clothes were hired, my dress included, and the whole thing came to about $5000 all up, for about 80 guests. We held the ceremony and reception at one of the oldest houses in Chch, and took the photos in the garden. My bridesmaid's father secretly videoed the ceremony, and she gave us the tape as a wedding present when we got back from our honeymoon.

    I was so happy, I couldn't stop smiling the whole day. And I am still in love with my husband, six years on.

    We didn't get any religious grief from anyone, but my mother doesn't believe in marriage, and was still asking me the day of the wedding if I was sure I didn't want to change my mind. Then at the reception, she said in her speech that we were a real inspiration, and that she really thought we would stick together. That meant a great deal to me, as she has always been honest about her views on marriage, ever since I was a small child. After she split with my father, she refused to marry again, and spent 12 years with one partner, turning him down on more than one occasion. Then he split and the rest, as they say, is history.

By Antigone on Sunday, August 29, 1999 - 12:45 am:


    Thanks, J, that was an awfully nice compliment.

    And now that you've turned me down for the second time, Rhiannon (alas!) I gues I should turn my attentions to an attainable woman. :-) A lady friend in my circle of friends has been giving me subtle signals, I think. She's been sending me e-mails, asking for help with things, and generally paying more attention to me than usual. Tonight we went with a group of friends to see Mideval Times. We were talking and she said that this was going to be a watershed year for her. She wants to have kids, but she's turning 33 soon and, as she put it, "There's probably a reason why I'm 33 and single, so I don't think I'll find someone."

    Now, I'm confused. She hasn't exactly been pursuing me, but I've gotten the sense that she's interested. Now, this.

    I really like this woman. She's smart, headstrong, and adventurous. (She just changed jobs from a health insurance adjuster to teaching science in an inner city middle school...) What I like most about her, though, is that she's always trying to learn new things, always reading, constantly trying to stretch herself and do new things.

    Oh, and she's damn cute, too.

    Any ideas, ya'll?

    And to not be completely off topic, I'm going to be participating in a wedding soon. A good friend, Sean, is getting married. Another friend, Joe, and I are going to be the groomsmen. The wierd thing is that Sean hasn't told us who the best man is yet. I assumed it would be Joe. Joe assumed it would be me. We're wondering if Sean will get around to telling us by the day of the ceremony!

By JusMiceElf on Sunday, August 29, 1999 - 12:53 am:

    Semillana, is the Rev. ison Anna Sunshine's dad?

By JJ on Sunday, August 29, 1999 - 01:13 am:

    I like the Reverand Horton Heat,he,s going to be here on my B-day!!!Do you think this could be a party?No.

By Semillama on Sunday, August 29, 1999 - 01:37 am:

    The Rev. Ison is Cecil Ison, an archaeologist from KEntucky, whom I have never actually met but have heard many tales of, so I don't know if he has a daughter of that name...I think he's a minister in the Universal Life Church, something akin to the Shurhc of the Subgenius or the Discordians...

    I personally haven't thought much about marriage, since most women wouldn't give me the time of day if they were hanging off of Big Ben.

By J on Sunday, August 29, 1999 - 01:44 am:

    Antigone,go for it!!!!You are a good soul,she knows that.I really did want to see you with Rhiannon,but I have the feeling of "not now,maybe later".

By JusMiceElf on Sunday, August 29, 1999 - 01:51 am:

    Yeah, that's Anna Sunshine's dad. I've never actually met her either, but she'd been on a couple of mailing lists that I've been on online over the past few years. She's talked about her dad a few times, and the baby dolls he nails to the barn.

By MoonUnit on Sunday, August 29, 1999 - 02:11 am:

    hmm me and the Grump had a 'discussion' about gettin married the other day.

    G: its just a very expensive piece of paper
    Me: its also a chance to stand up in front of the people u love most in the world and say 'i love this person and i want to be with them for the rest of my life'
    G: memmememememe (u know that snarky little noise)
    Me: grrrr

By Cyst on Sunday, August 29, 1999 - 04:22 am:

    I have a friend who pushed the idea of marriage on a guy who wasn't really enthusiastic about it.

    from second-hand experience, I don't recommend this approach.

    wait till you find some guy who really wants to marry you and just can't wait to don the gay apparel and become legally obligated to care for you.

    I remember one of my crappiest temp jobs. corporate headquarters of payless drugstores, just after they got bought out ("merged with") thrýfy, just before they got bought out by walgreens or whoever.

    these women who were then how old I am now were sitting in this fluorescent room full of desks without cubicle dividers. all the desks faced the wall. it was underground so there were no windows.

    one time they stopped talking when I approached. all the temps were dismissed at the end of that day; I'm sure that was what they were talking about. it was so funny -- they were probably feeling sorry for ME because I got to leave that terrible place.

    anyway, I did witness two other memorable exchanges.

    one was between two vitamin d-deficient clerical drones. the bitchier-sounding one was asking the less attractive, pastier one about how married life was going. her slightly delayed answer:

    "I feel really SECURE now."

    she explained that she finally managed to convince her crappy boyfriend, who all along was probably hoping he could find something better but liked having a woman around to fuck and do laundry, to marry her. she talked a little while about how much nicer it was to be married rather than just shacked up, but not about how she was happy with him or anything.

    more SECURE.


    it's weird how some people think they can't make themselves miserable enough on their own. or maybe it's a situation of misery loves company. yeah, that's it. my life sucks, but at least I can see every day how much someone else's life sucks too!

    I met this guy when I was a young thing. he had long hair and played bass and worked as a microsoft accountant and bought all these mushrooms and pot for us to take before microsoft family night at pacific science center. I had a boyfriend at the time, which was cool, because I wasn't sure if I really liked this guy. I just wanted to see if he would like me.

    anyway, at one point I told him that I had never been in love. he told me that that was because I hadn't met the right person yet. I told him I didn't think that was the case. in fact, I was pretty fucking damn sure that the problem was me instead of the rest of the world.

    but for a long time I liked to think that what he said was true.

    I'm going to tell anyone who is still listening about the other payless exchange I still remember from my four days there.

    a pretty young blonde was in her window-wall office near quitting time, and I was at a desk they had to stick in middle of a wide hall in order to accommodate the extra employees after the "merger."

    an old lecherous asshole came in and sort of leaned over her and put his hand on her shoulder. I could see her cringe a little, and he talked to her close to her ear. she spoke much more loudly about having to leave right away, how she had to run an errand before some place closed.

    then he looked around, saw me watching them and he went and closed the door and went back to her.

    I got so mad, I wanted to go and open the door and tell that asshole to just leave the woman the fuck alone. can't you see she thinks you're disgusting, or do you not care? god, if you want to get laid, go hire an escort. jesus.

    I was seriously, seriously thinking about telling him off. I'd get fired from that assignment, hurray. maybe get "fired" from that temp agency, so the fuck what -- there are 200 more in the yellow pages.

    but I didn't because I thought she might be really embarrassed and maybe that prick would hinder her climb up and out of that horrible basement.

    maybe I should have done it anyway.

By J on Sunday, August 29, 1999 - 04:31 am:

    Cyst,you remind me of all the good that,s in this world,bless you.

By Cyst on Sunday, August 29, 1999 - 04:32 am:

    or maybe I'm just a coward.

    a few months ago in ukraine I saw a man hit a woman in the face. her nose started bleeding really hard and she started crying, then the man yelled at her.

    my excuse for not saying something then was that I didn't know russian and that the people who did weren't doing anything about it. the man, who was drunk, was the young woman's father, I think.

    I still don't know what I should have done.

    I think a lot about doing things, but I don't do them.

    yesterday I saw some turkish kids teasing some street dogs, and I wanted to tell them to knock it off, but I got the feeling they would just fuck with the dogs more if I said anything.

    I also want to tell the carpet touts to stop bothering my fellow tourists near the big mosque. it's ok if they bother me, and it's ok if they bother groups, but I don't like to see them badgering women sitting alone in the park.

    maybe I should practice my evil eye.

By Cyst on Sunday, August 29, 1999 - 04:37 am:

    in dungeons and dragons, which I played once in fifth grade, you get to choose an alignment for your character.

    I think they are:

    lawful good
    chaotic good
    lawful evil
    chaotic evil

    something like that. maybe not "chaotic" but some word that means indifferent to the laws of men.

    anyway, if I had a personal alignment, it would probably be "ineffectual good."

    I hope this doesn't turn into a geeky thread. please.

By Antigone on Sunday, August 29, 1999 - 09:20 am:


    There are nine alignments:

    Lawful Good
    Lawful Neutral
    Lawful Evil
    Neutral Good
    Neutral Neutral
    Neutral Evil
    Chaotic Good
    Chaotic Neutral
    Chaotic Evil

    You're probably loking for neutral good. Although the "neutral" doesn't necesarily mean innefectual, although it can. It means that you don't actively try to promote order or chaos.


By Cyst on Sunday, August 29, 1999 - 09:49 am:

    wow. nine alignments. I was way off.

    my fifth-grade dm is one of the people I am interested in talking to at my high school reunion.

    in third grade he had a big crush on my best friend/nemesis. during our weaving unit in arts and crafts, he made her a four-square-inch bikini.

    in high school I rejected him and all other guys who had been mean to me during my prolonged ugly duckling period. they were practically the only ones who asked me out; maybe they really liked me all along. hmm.

    from web searches I've done on his name in the last couple years, it seems that during and after college he got into artificial intelligence and software for playing go.

By Margret on Sunday, August 29, 1999 - 01:23 pm:

    I did the exact same thing to all my geekboy friends when I became a relatively hot commodity and they suddenly wished to make a point of paying for my dinner instead of the casual arrangement that had sufficed for years that i would get it this time, them the next, or whatever. I am under no illusions that they liked me all along. They, hmmm, were just as subject to the high school laws of who's attractive and who isn't as anyone else was. I have subsequently forgiven them, but I still wouldn't date them. The thing is, they were uncool and considered unattractive, and I would have dated them...but they would have none of me, choosing instead to dangle after the lesser lights of the in-crowd. Hah! Go away the summer of your junior year in HS, far away from where your mother can talk you into your bazillionth bad home perm or make you get your hair cut unattractively, come back and suddenly you're the SHIT and your geekboy friends think the should have the inside track with you because of all the times you've talked about Pink Floyd and giggled about psionics and Heinlein and whatever while they told you about their random encounter with second tier cool girl Z...I don't fucking think so. But it's not liked I dated the idiot lacrosse players, either. Straight to college boys!

By Jinafishes on Monday, August 30, 1999 - 07:22 pm:

    This is the first time I've had from over the weekend to write but this really helped me.. a lot. It helped me realize who's wedding this really is for and to be as selfish with it as much as possible. Thanks for all the advice.

By Gee on Friday, September 3, 1999 - 07:25 am:

    I want to get married. Someday. In the future. But I don't have an ideal wedding planned. I have no idea how I'd want to get married. I guess it doesn't matter, I just want to be so in love with someone that I can imagin spending the rest of my entire life with them. I don't understand people who are against marrage. I can understand the whole "it's just a peice of paper!" thing, but if the person you're involved with really wants to get married, why is it such a big deal for you to do it? if it's Just a peice of paper? I think that's just an excuse for people who don't want to commit. Not always, but sometimes.

    Okay, so I've rethought it. I mean I do want to get married, but that's not what I Really Really want. I don't have to be married. But it would be really nice to find someone you love That much...that you trust that much and like that much and etc etc etc...someone so special you wouldn't get bored of them. eh. You know what I mean.

By J on Friday, September 3, 1999 - 10:05 am:

    We know Gee,but would you want to get married when your only 18?

By Jinafishes on Friday, September 3, 1999 - 11:47 am:

    Cause you've found the guy she was just describing.

By Jinafishes on Friday, September 3, 1999 - 11:47 am:

    Cause you've found the guy she was just describing.

By Simon on Friday, September 3, 1999 - 04:48 pm:

    It's hard to truly appreciate how narrow your perspective on life is at 18, until you look back at it in retrospect.

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