Mormons who are trying to kill me Do you have any regrets?: Mormons who are trying to kill me

Pug on Thursday, March 29, 2001 - 09:50 am:

    Reeling from two days of aggravating sleep all started Tuesday afternoon when I had a good snooze going and these two cute & well-dressed Mormon girls came bludgeoning on my door. I answered the door clad in nothing but my skivvies and they proceeded to try to sell me their religion and ask to come in....
    I dispensed with them quickly enough but mega-sleep deprivation ensued----I spent the rest of the night lying there totally keyed up and unable to get back to sleep.
    I was pretty no-nonsense in dealing with them, but I think what I probably SHOULD have done was invite them in, sit them down, taken a few pulls on a brewski while listening to them yammer and then drop my drawers and started skinning the weasle in front of 'em. Then I should have said something like, "listen....I'll listen to whatever you're selling all day....but at least one of you is going to have to peel down and service me."
    Just to watch the reaction.
    Well, as the bard says, hindsight's 20/20...

By J on Thursday, March 29, 2001 - 11:13 am:

    That would have been great Pug, a Mormon 3-way.I'd love to see the secret underwear they wear.There are towns out here where they openly practice polygyny.

By Hal on Thursday, March 29, 2001 - 12:42 pm:

    Pug, if you had done that you would have been a hero in my book.

    The last time I had to deal with someone (mormons to be specific) banging on my door at 7 in the friggin morning on a saturday, my little sister was only 3 weeks old and fuck if I hadn't just spend the entire night trying to get her to go to sleep. Anyway around 6:45 I finally got her down and fell asleep myself, at 7:00 the friggin doorbell rang. I awnsered the door in a pair of "curious george" boxers and a holding my 12-guage, I wasn't about to shoot anyone, but I had this feeling that religeous people were at the door. I don't have anything against them but fuck couldn't they have waited at least a couple hours, the two guys at the door were shocked at first but then actually began to try and sell me... I did the only thing that seemed appropriate, I did the universal "no speak, just pump the gun and watch'em run" tactic. Those guys never came back, its only been one time since that the mormons have returned to my abode ( this was all back in Billings of course) the second time was a pair of females somewhere around 18-19 or so. I just told them "I'm a hethen and I'm not interested in your commie conformist ways. Now get the hell off my doorstep."

    God I miss messin with religious people.

    Pug, if they ever return (and they will) do it for the sake of all that is indecent.

By Dougie on Thursday, March 29, 2001 - 12:51 pm:

    I had an 8-hour layover at the SLC airport a couple of years ago, so I took a tour of the Mormon complex downtown. Sat in on a nice noon-time organ concert in the concert hall (where the choir usually sings -- is that the Tabernacle?) Then went on a group tour led by "tourguides" -- these Mormon "missionary" kids who were performing part of their missionary service. It was kind of creepy, all the proselytizing that went on. I remember some of the Mormon girls were really cute. I hear they're dropping the "LDS" off their official name, and now it's becoming just "The Church of Jesus Christ". That's the sum total of my Mormon experience.

By crimson on Thursday, March 29, 2001 - 01:29 pm:

    i used to live in a tenement where my family was the only non-mormon family in the whole place. it was unreal.

    then i got employed by a mormon company. it was easy money but turned into one scary-ass job. 8 or more hours of repetivive motion w/ mormon propganda being blasted through loudspeakers. all my co-workers tried to convert me, every single day.

    the mormon women all had about a hundred kids each & were all into natural foods, purchased in bulk. they had these bake sales all the time & everything was coated in this hard, nasty, bark-like carob crap because mormons won't eat chocolate. one lady had a kid about kindergarten age. kid had never tasted caffeine. so off he goes to school. they gave the kids little cups full of pepsi at recess & he got so sick they had to take him to the ER. another lady's kid had a similar reaction to kool-aid because the kid had never had artificial colors or sugar in his system.

    spookiest thing i saw in the tenement was this mormon neighbor beating her kid to a pulp. kid was about 4 or 5. she was just battering hell out of him. kid was damn near unconscious. i got her to stop & then she started telling me about how much she hates children (she had a houseful of kids w/ more on the way) & that she had no love for any of them. she said she never wanted children but "heavenly father" said she had to so she could be a good wife (the mormon women always call god "heavenly father"). as i hung around in this mormon community, i found out that a LOT of these women didn't want kids but that didn't stop them from having 12 of them a piece. they were afraid not to have children because then they wouldn't be good wives & then they'd be of no use to god.

    to their credit, mormons are known to be very honest in their business dealings & very hard-working, something i never saw disproven.

    in high school, i lived down the road from several poor mormon families, all w/ a dozen or more kids, who were too poor to have houses, so they lived in tents outside. the girls were all married off by 16 or so. one less mouth to feed.

    i used to make out w/ mormon boys in high school. you could always depend on them to be insanely, monstrously horny...& damn grateful for whatever they got.

By droopy on Thursday, March 29, 2001 - 01:46 pm:

    i have every respect for people's religious beliefs. really. but i have this story...

    about the mid-90's i lived in an old house with two other guys. one saturday morning we were all sitting in the living room together with another friend who'd slept on the floor that night. his name was ray; there's a story about him on agatha's website. we'd had a party the night before and we were extremely hungover. ray was wearing nothing but boxer shorts.

    i was sitting at the dining room table, which was in front of the window that looks out onto our front stoop. every so often we'd get these religious people knocking on our door - don't know the denomination, but they always wore black suits and carried briefcases. from where i was sitting i saw two of them making their way to our door.

    "incoming," i said.

    ray gave me a quizzical look, and one of my roommates said "jesus freaks."

    ray got up, ran over to the door, pulled off his shorts, and waited there buck naked at the door. when they knocked, he threw the door open and yelled "woooooooodoggie! look what the looord done brung me!"

    they didn't even change their expressions. they were expressionless in fact. they just turned around and walked off.

By Dougie on Thursday, March 29, 2001 - 02:12 pm:

    Those would probably be your common garden variety Jehovah's Witnesses, droopy.

    Is it "buck naked" or "butt naked"?

    And what about "supposively"? A lot of people say it, but I think it's "supposedly".

    We had Christian Scientists living next to door to us when I was growing up. Whenever the kids had a cold or a sore throat or fever, they'd say that they wouldn't go to the doctor because "God will cure them." However, when one of the kids fell off the trampoline and broke his arm, their faith in God's ability to cure wavered, and off to the emergency room they went.

By droopy on Thursday, March 29, 2001 - 03:00 pm:

    i think you can go either way - buck or butt. i've seen some places on the web that call themselves "buck naked" something or other. i habitually say "buck" because there used to be a band around here called "buck naked and the jaybirds". The lead singer and guitarist would perform naked except for a plunger he'd managed to strap over his dick in such a way that the handle would stick straight out. while they played he'd make it bob up and down in time with the music.

    i think "supposedly" is correct, but i don't like to use that word.

    i prefer "presumively".

By Chosen One on Thursday, March 29, 2001 - 03:08 pm:

    Speaking of MORMONS, how sweet a piece of TUSHY is MARIE OSMOND of "DONNY & MARIE" fame!?heh What I wouldn't give to place my KOSHER SALAMI in her MORMON CAVE! LOL! This nice JEWISH MENSCH would SHTUP the UTAH out of her!heheeh

By cyst on Thursday, March 29, 2001 - 04:03 pm:

    pug, you got mormon GIRLS coming to your door? damn, since when did they start sending their women folk out to do men's business?

    I've only ever gotten housecalls from mormon boys in their tidy black suits. damn.

By Dougie on Thursday, March 29, 2001 - 04:09 pm:

    Dream on, yarmulke boy. A fine piece of tuchus like that wouldn't let your matzoh-breath ass 100 feet anywhere near her, let alone your little kosher Vienna sausage.

By Pug on Thursday, March 29, 2001 - 04:43 pm:

    All the Mormons I've EVER had come at me were female. Luck of the draw, I guess----
    My sister and her friends were all Osmonds fanatics....'70's, y'know....a friend of hers was a gonzo stalker-type----she pulled my sister into all these insane long-distance phone conversations w/ Alan & Wayne Osmond's(I THINK) Mothers-in-Law----and decided, from there, she wanted to become a Mormon----and decided my sister should be dragged into this, too----the net result was the crew of Mormon Missionaries coming to visit my sister every other week......
    Said friend has gone on for years(well into her 30s) w/stalker type patterns---always focused on clean-living, non-threatening boy-type celebrities.....disturbing.
    Chosen One----I'm starting to think that beyond all your smugness and Zionist Superiority you might be an alright guy, deep down....

By pez on Thursday, March 29, 2001 - 04:58 pm:

    that made me shriek. it was completely unexpected and extremely funny...sometime i should answer the door--"you wanna come in? you're just in time. i'm doing a ritual to get more sex."

    have you ever read any of those pamphlets they hand out?

By Chosen One on Thursday, March 29, 2001 - 05:45 pm:


    My matzoh breath would go well with her gefiltered pussy! LOL! BTW, who do you think produces the DONNY & MARIE SHOW!?eheh Goyim!? Think again! LOL! I'd speckle her infamous WHITE TEETH with my TESTICLE CREAM!ehe As shiksa SUZANNE SOMMERS once said to HOWARD STERN, "I've always been attracted to Jewish men." No coincidence, since she eventually married one!eh
    Women love smart and sensitive men, Dougie!!

By Pug on Thursday, March 29, 2001 - 05:54 pm:

    I collect religious literature----in fact I asked the Mormons for some----all they had was a lame card. No substitute for hilarious Chick Tracts.
    Some friends of mine, who were big H.P. Lovecraft buffs, used to get their jollies by fucking w/door-to-door witnesses----"Do you believe in Jesus Christ?"
    "Oh, no-----we worship Great Cthulhu----come by around seven tonight---we're sacrificing the kids!"

By Hal on Thursday, March 29, 2001 - 06:16 pm:

    My next door neighbor did something like that except he just drew a chalk outline of his wife on the front concrete steps put up one of those yellow police line things (which he happened to have a roll of) and spread some religious pamphlets around the body... Worked wonders they never came back again.

By Dougie on Thursday, March 29, 2001 - 06:16 pm:

    Cute, C.O. But your shtick's getting old. I'm not wasting any more of my wonderbread breath on you until you give us some answers to the questions we've asked you. Mazel tov.

By J on Thursday, March 29, 2001 - 11:37 pm:

    Oh Crimson,you are so wrong about Mormons being honest in their business dealings,the company my husband works for is Mormon run,but they were smart enough to hire a Jew to run it.They keep it in the ward,the only reason my husband is still around is cause they need him.

By crimson on Friday, March 30, 2001 - 09:13 am:

    actually, that doesn't really surprise me. i just grew up being told that mormons & quakers are quite solid in their business dealings & i personally haven't had any bad luck in dealing w/ mormons. however, of the biggest thieves i've ever met was a quaker & i've run into several mormon child abusers & incest freaks (if someone's unethical within their own FAMILY how can you possibly trust them outside of it?)

    oh, well. another myth down the drain.

By Outlawery on Sunday, April 1, 2001 - 09:10 am:

    Yeah, I remember them mormon stopped at our one day,Just told me that they were looking for my brother,Though it would save my time by telling them "I'm Deaf",Out of no where they did sign, Damn and told them "is Elder youre first name"?
    It must be alien or someone attemping abduct and use your body for their pleasure or some thing like they want,just figure it out for yourself (0).

By semillama on Sunday, April 1, 2001 - 02:20 pm:

    I f women love smart and sensitive men, then Jeff Jarret must be one lonely little snakehandler.

By Chosen One on Sunday, April 1, 2001 - 05:53 pm:


    They have wonderful medications for DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR!heehehehe Is Jeff Jarrett the guy from the SUBWAY HERO COMMERCIALS!?eheheh LOL!!!! .."his name is Jarrett...and he lost 200 pounds..."ehee

By semillama on Sunday, April 1, 2001 - 06:01 pm:

    Perhaps you should start taking them, o one who is a few clowns short of a circus.

By Closet One on Sunday, April 1, 2001 - 11:04 pm:

    I'm coming out. I like boy clowns!



By pixi stix on Monday, April 2, 2001 - 05:09 pm:

    all you need is the tiny car.

By Hal on Monday, April 2, 2001 - 07:13 pm:

    Already have that.

By pez on Monday, April 2, 2001 - 07:15 pm:

    and the red squeaky nose

By cyst on Monday, April 2, 2001 - 08:29 pm:

    a friend of mine who's a mormon church survivor sometimes goes to utah to visit his family. on a trip to SLC in the early 1990s, he and his girlfriend visited the public part of the big church and signed me up for a special home visit.

    I was stoned when the suits paid their call. I hid, and a roommate shooed them away.

    that friend has some ancestors who were mormon killers. he says some great-grandfather of his was one of the militiamen in the

    "Mountain Meadows Massacre

    In 1857, Utah militiamen killed more than 100 Arkansas settlers on a southern Utah field. Among the dead were numerous women and children.

    The settlers' wagon train was attacked; gunfire lasted for four days. Eventually, two officials from nearby Mormon communities arrived, blaming the Southern Paiute Indian tribe for the attack. The officials promised safe passage if the settlers would give up their livestock and weapons. The settlers agreed. But the Mormons then shot the survivors at point-blank range."

By Hal on Tuesday, April 3, 2001 - 12:09 pm:

    Damnit, I told you they are anything but innocent.

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