Being nothing but myself. Do you have any regrets?: Being nothing but myself.

Hal on Wednesday, August 7, 2002 - 07:48 am:

    For the last year, I've been me, I've acted and responded to things as I've always wanted to. If I don't like what your doing, I'm going to fucking tell you that, and I expected the same.

    I regret both.

    Now I sit here pondering to myself, what the world is in the sense, "is it just me, or is everyone so fucking dishonest with everyone else all the time, that its not even dishonesty?"

    I'm tired of people, with the drama, the speculation, the who's fucking who and how good does it feel. I'm tired of the he said she said, the I'm all about telling how it is when they never do.

    And yet, in the middle of being so tired of all of it, and not wanting to be a part of it. I'm discovering that the more and more I distance myself from it, the more secluded I become the more of a loner and one who just wants people to shut the fuck up when they are talking to me. And frankly it scares the fuck out of me.

    Worse case scenario happened last tuesday.... To make a long story short, I did something I shouldn't have. Whether or not it was under the influence of something I can't honestly say because well.... We both were, she says she doesn't remember a lot of that night, I remember all if it..... I had a HELL of a lot more in me.... In anycase, I did something wrong, something that ended my year. I did something that basically took me from my fringe edges of the drama and speculation, and threw my sorry ass right into the middle of it all. And what am I doing to get out of it.... Closing my ears, Closing my mouth, Closing my eyes, and just walking out the front door. Just going to walk the fuck away. I said my peace, it was simply:

    "I'm sorry... I did something wrong, what happened was my fault, goodbye."

    And walked away.... And for the past 6 hours have been sitting here listening to "Canon in D Major," "Moonlight Sonata," and Mozart's "Requiem." With my eyes closed in the dark and crying.... Because I don't know what to do any more, no hint of what step I should take and where....

    And that not knowing, that no idea of where to go next, no thoughts on who to talk to, or who to turn to. Or what to even say....

    Scares the living fuck out of me.

By agatha on Wednesday, August 7, 2002 - 08:57 am:

    hal- call your local subsidized health facility and ask if they have any free or low cost therapists to talk to. it really helps to unburden yourself to an objective stranger, they often can help you to see the patterns in your life more clearly.

    there's no shame in asking for help, and i suspect that's sort of what you were doing here.

    good luck, hope it all works out okay.

By eri on Wednesday, August 7, 2002 - 11:17 am:

    Hal, I agree with Agatha. There is low cost and free help out there. I wish I remembered how to find it. I just know that I don't want to see you or anyone else here in such a low state.

    Honesty and being yourself are two of my favorite qualities in a person, and I find them things to be proud of, but if you made a mistake and don't know how to deal with it....get some help, please.

By Dani on Wednesday, August 7, 2002 - 12:08 pm:

    I e-mailed you Hal.

By Czarina on Wednesday, August 7, 2002 - 04:14 pm:

    Squirrels got too tight a grip on yer nuts,Darlin?
    Czarina loves you,always and unquestionably.

By J on Wednesday, August 7, 2002 - 05:53 pm:

    You have a new e-address Hal,I just noticed,that explains why the e-mail I sent you was returned.

By Hal on Thursday, August 8, 2002 - 08:26 am:

    So last night about 2am I shut off my monitor, walked out my front door and just started walking.

    Don't really know why, just felt the need to walk, to wallow in my thoughts for a while. 10+ miles, 4 hours, a wet sweatshirt, and 9 cigs later.... I still don't really have a clue whats going on. The walk and the rain that poured while I was walking helped I guess, put a calm about me. I feel pretty serene right now, but my mind is still a spinning fury of emotion. I can't figure out if I'm up, down, left, or right. The world seems like this odd facimile of what it use to be. I use to see things, and accept them for what they were. Now, I look at things and wonder why. Not why they are the way they are, but just why they are there. Whats their story?

    Hell, whats my story? I can't say these ramblings really give me or anyone else a clue as to whats going on inside the world of Hal. I think this is just whats flowing from mind to fingers as I sit here and type, cat beside me, still wet from the walk I just took.

    I feel as though, I'm lost, like there's something I'm missing and can't find. What it is, you've got about as much guess as I do. I can't tell if its a feeling, an emotion, a thing, a person, or what it is that I'm missing. Just that something isn't there, and I don't know what that something is let alone how to find it.

    I've found myself lately having more of a bond and connection to people that I've never met before then the people I have the opertunity to see daily. People living sometimes on the other side of the planet. J as you mentioned my change of email, the address died. The fuckers at iName killed it. I exist to all of you as Hal, hell some of you actually know who I am. In another world created mearly by electrons, and the flow of data I'm a one DwarfVader. I work for a company known as WSBN (,) and I'm a Sports Broadcaster online. People actually tune in to listen to me ramble on and on about a bunch of other people playing a highly competitive game on a latter of teams who all play it. I'm actually on one of said teams. What I find ironic, sad, and amusing all in its own right is that I share a closer bond with the people I deal with on a daily basis in that world then I do with almost anyone. Don't get me wrong, I'm a sorabjite for life. But I guess I'm feeling as though that 2nd world and the people in it, have become closer to me then a lot of the "real life" people I know.

    I miss posting here, I've been a lurker for too long. And to be honest I miss you people. The funny part is, the 2nd world has its forums it has its BBS's, and all of them are chalk full of the most retarded people on the planet. And everytime I read from one of them, I think to myself.... "Gimmie 3 sorabjites, a clean board, and these people would be turned to blibbering idiots.

By TBone on Thursday, August 8, 2002 - 10:55 am:

    Dammit, Hal. I haven't seen you in forever and you're only a mile or two away.

    I'm-a drag you down to the Raven tonight.

    We can have us a talk in realtime. You're a good guy and I never see you anymore.

By kazoointoit on Thursday, August 8, 2002 - 06:02 pm:

    Hal, I'm new and all, but I can't stand to see someone feeling bad like this, especially one so open. So, please just let me add my two cents to the therapy pile. Having been in and out of it for almost 20 years, it's the only thing I've ever seen turn over any real results. It can really work.

    Stay honest. Stay introspective...there is real strength in that.

    Wishing you the best.

By Gray world on Wednesday, March 10, 2004 - 02:25 pm:

    Sometimes life give us all these. I am the same now. I call this 'living without dream'. It can be impossible to live without it. There is nothing in this world I want. Real nothing. I am nothing, I want nothing. I try to work but it is hard. None productive. It happened to me after loose someone whom I love someone. Now life is becoming black and white. Maybe just gray tones...

    I want my dreams back and the colors.

    I start to believe that we should never put ourself into something too much. If something happens to it then we are stuck. Like me... I know it is going to effect me for years.

    Noting and no one should be more lovely then yourself or your life love. or you should be good believer that can keep you alive.

    But all these advices are current before you stuck. After you became like me you are cooked.

    Life should be back....
    thanks for sharing all...

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