Turning back time

sorabji.com: Do you have any regrets?: Turning back time

Valerie on Friday, May 2, 2003 - 01:05 am:

    I turned 40 a couple of weeks ago...I spent the day thinking that if I knew now what I didn't know then alot of my decisions would have been different.
    I would of listened to my mother about being to young to get married as I am sitting here with my second husband..I would of finished college and had my children at a better point in my life..but if our destiny's are already planned then I guess my life is going as scheduled.

By Young dumb and full of cum on Friday, May 2, 2003 - 01:16 am:

    fate blows... you believe that shit you might as well not get out of bed in the morning... oh wait you cant make decisions, they've already been made for you.....

    Regrets.... hummm.... sounds like a mid-life crisis to me...

    but im young and know everything, so dont listen to me...

By Nate on Friday, May 2, 2003 - 04:21 am:

    you could be dead.


By Cat on Friday, May 2, 2003 - 10:05 am:

    Or you could live.


By Spider on Friday, May 2, 2003 - 10:32 am:

    Looks like finishing college would be a good idea.

By Spider on Friday, May 2, 2003 - 11:26 am:

    God, I'm insufferable.

    I'm going through a quarter-life crisis.

By sarah on Friday, May 2, 2003 - 12:46 pm:

    being 25-27 sucks major ass. worst years ever, besides adolesence.

By kazoo on Friday, May 2, 2003 - 12:48 pm:

    25-27 were the most important of my life thus far. Not the "best" but I finally got my head out of my ass, and that's got to be good thing.

By Spider on Friday, May 2, 2003 - 12:57 pm:

    Please...give me some advice!

By Nate on Friday, May 2, 2003 - 01:15 pm:

    remove your head from your ass.


By kazoo on Friday, May 2, 2003 - 01:28 pm:


    I can only tell you what happened to me. It might help, we have some of things in common.

    Anyway, I had a kind of an image of myself as being the "brain in the jar"...someone who was just kind of there for witty social commentary and amusing personal anecdotes, that my friends were the attractive ones and I was the funny geek. I really and truly thought that once I got back to school I would be absolutely happy and fulfilled because that is where weirdo brain people like myself belong. Wrong. I had to learn that it okay to want someone to love you and think you're the most beautiful woman in the world, and that didn't make you weak and needy. I also got over most of the body image crap...and not just on the level of the intellectual "I know I'm not ugly" but on a much deeper level.

    That's all I can think of. It wasn't easy. It was a slow and sometimes painful process because I also had to deal with all the things that had contributed to my feeling that way...you know when you actually acknowledge how your interactions with other people have helped shape you and everyone thinks you're blaming them. Well, sometimes it needs to be done. I also had an excellent therapist, probably one of the best I'd ever had.

By sarah on Friday, May 2, 2003 - 01:30 pm:

    i'm going to up the range to 25-28 actually.

    and yeah, they are important years, maybe because they are so hard. i thought they were just awful. and i know a few other people in that age range right now who are having quarter-life crises.

    25-28 is like some sort of limbo. that's why i compared it to adolesence. you're like too young to be taken very seriously in the adult working world, and quite possibly rightly so, because you just don't have that much life experience in that realm. you may be very intelligent and well-educated, but nothing replaces or makes up for having experience.

    but you're finally old enough to care about wanting to make something out of your life and are worrying about turning 30 and not having accomplished anything, like you're sort of spinning your wheels. you're like play-acting adulthood.

    i don't know if i have any advice except hang in there. when i was that age, i was just wild. lots of drugs, lots of partying, lots of directionless behavior and attitudes. i was in hawaii then, and those years are just a blur or sand and salt water and ecstacy and acid and summer road trips on the mainland.

    i dreaded 30. i thought turning 30 would be the equivalent of being dead, or worse, being OLD. all my 30+ friends and family assured me that the best years are after you turn 30, and i would smile and nod politely and think to myself, "they're only saying that because they're over 30 and they're OLD and they have to say that!"

    but then i turned 30 and everything changed. everything since has just been so, so good. there's beauty and confidence and youth and experience and confidence. did i mention confidence? even when things are bad, they're never as bad as the bad times between 25-28.

By kazoo on Friday, May 2, 2003 - 01:40 pm:

    I've never heard anyone in their thirties tell me that they wish they were in their twenties again. I would say, for me the worst years were from 23-27 and I am still in the process of growing and I don't feel settled or confident in the way that I want to...I am just so much better off than I used to be. I've been feeling rather conflicted lately, I'm not asking the big, "Who am I and what I am doing?" but there are all kinds of things that still nag at me and can really get me down.

By eri on Friday, May 2, 2003 - 01:43 pm:

    25-28 was when I had to flush all of my old ideas of what I wanted in life. I wanted so badly to give Trace another child, one that was his blood, to try to give him a son. I finally just gave up. Then I got pregnant and gave birth to a one pound baby. Had to quit the one job I truly loved. Spent all of my time trying to handle these things that I may have asked for, but at the same time, was totally overwhelmed by.

    I spent those years learning how to handle what was in front of me, learning how to say no when people asked too much of me, learning how to make decisions to do things and actually follow through with them.

    I spent that entire time redefining myself, reprioritizing my life, and finally finding a me that I can be happy with. Even though I know that the person I have become would be a huge dissapointment to some who love me, I am happy just being me, small boobs, huge ass, messy house, crazy kids, and all.

By J on Friday, May 2, 2003 - 01:45 pm:

    Jesus, I had three kids and my first house at 25,when I turned 30 I snot cryed for days,when I turned forty I was just glad to be alive and looking so good,when I turn 50, I'll probably go to pieces and invest in plastic surgery,maybe get my face lifted,how high I don't know.

By spunky on Friday, May 2, 2003 - 01:46 pm:

    and insane hubby???? or not?????

By eri on Friday, May 2, 2003 - 01:56 pm:

    I think the general consensus here would be that I have an insane hubby :)

    Remember that you were working full time to support us since I had to stay home with Micki and then take care of Grandma too, and you were going to school full time at night. We hardly saw each other then and then it was just to sleep and bitch and try to let the kids have some fun time. We didn't have outlets for stress (partly due to my health problems) or ways to just have fun for a little while then. Everything was a struggle back then.

    Moving to Texas was one of the best moves we ever did. We might still struggle but it isn't constant, and we do have free fun available here so that we have a good balance in our lives finally. Then again, maybe it was just our changes with our age and growing with the life lessons we have learned and continue to learn. Who knows? I like things now, much better than my mid-20's. When I hit 30 I want a huge fucking over the hill party!!!!!!

By Spider on Friday, May 2, 2003 - 03:15 pm:

    OK, this gives me hope.

    Thanks, guys!

    Kazoo, I totally grok the "brain in the jar" feeling. The other day I was listening to a Pulp song that has the line, "Why live in the world when you can live in your head?" and I thought, "shoot, that's me." And I have body image issues, too.

    Sarah, I do feel like I'm in Limbo -- right on the threshold of something scary: being a responsible adult. The scary part comes from my thinking that I would have to change a lot to get to the Responsible Adult level, and I don't want to do that. But I'll be 25 next month, and I have nothing to show for it. I look at people who are my age, and even younger, and they seem composed and together and sophisticated, while I'm still a 17-year-old goofball in my head.

    Another line from a song that hit me recently was "I'm not living, I'm just killing time." That's exactly how I feel, and I hate it. But I'm killing time while I wait for....what?

    I do believe that going back to school will help a lot, though. Right now, I feel like I'm not going anywhere, and I don't have anything to show for the past 2.5 years I've put into my job. School has goals and checkpoints to pass.

    The problem is, as I've said for years, I don't know what I want to study, because I have only mild interest in lots of different areas. That's true when it comes to looking for another job, too....I could do a number of things, but I don't think I would want to make a career out of anything.

    It's funny because I think, "Hell, maybe I should just..." and then I can't think of anything! Not even as an escape.

    God, I feel like I'm squandering my life away.

    But enough self-pity. I know something will come up, or I'll think of something, and then I'll have a purpose.

By Nate on Friday, May 2, 2003 - 03:23 pm:

    "God, I feel like I'm squandering my life away."
    just like the chumbawumba song!

    or that pulp song that goes

    the trouble with your brother
    he's always sleepin
    with your mother
    and i hear that your sister
    missed her time again this month
    am i talking too fast?
    are you just playin dumb?
    if you want i can write it down
    it shouldn't matter to you
    cuz aren't you the one
    with your razamatazz
    and the nights on the town?

    ah yeah, i freak that one out with a little whiskey and all up in the barre chords Dm G Em Am. i play it like i just don't care, because i don't care, because no one ever hears me, and when they do they say things like "oooo nate, your voice is soooo sexy like lice fucking in pubic hair forests and please take your pants off i want you inside me and please let me swallow all that you make for me"

    you know. typical tuesday night.

By Spider on Friday, May 2, 2003 - 03:30 pm:

    Which album is that from? His & Hers? I don't have that one.

    I discovered this weekend that while A Different Class used to be my favorite Pulp album, I can now listen to only about 4 songs through to the end.

    You can tell me lies about the good times that you've had / but I've kissed your mother twice and now I'm working on your dad.

By Nate on Friday, May 2, 2003 - 03:32 pm:

    oh, and on a more serious note, people who appear to be composed and together and sophisticated generally have the same fears and anxieties. the trick is just to not show them (and, to some degree, once people assume you are composed and together you become more of that, but i believe most everyone is wondering 'what the fuck is going on here?')

    one of my biggest realizations is that adults don't know what the fuck they are doing, either. there is no magic change and suddenly you are responsible and wise. you are constantly faced with things you haven't seen before, and you have to figure out how to pass through them the best you can.

    my mom once said "you look in the mirror and you see this older person, but you're still you inside. it doesn't make sense that you'd be in this body. you still don't know shit about anything."

    ok, that's a paraphrase, but the gist is there.

    if you're anxious because you have no milestones, make some. they don't have to be career related. you've always wanted to learn PERL? learn PERL! you've always wanted to throw pots? throw pots!

    it's just life. if people reached an age and had things figured out, philosophy would be a quick read.

By Nate on Friday, May 2, 2003 - 03:40 pm:

    yeah, it's on his 'n' hers. also on 'hits'.

By Spider on Friday, May 2, 2003 - 03:51 pm:

    Thanks, Nate.

By eri on Friday, May 2, 2003 - 03:57 pm:

    I'm still a 17 year old girl inside my head. I just figured out how to deal with the shit that overwhelmed me before and made peace with me. I wouldn't go back to my earlier 20's for anything. It was worse than childhood!

By sarah on Friday, May 2, 2003 - 04:09 pm:

    yeah, exactly what nate said. when i turned 30 it happened shortly after i started working at the Evil Bank. and i had had this idea that adults knew what was going on, or at least serious business people, that there was like something they learned in school or a Rule Book that they followed to help them make important decisions.

    that's a load of crap. everyone, even the people handling YOUR MONEY, are winging it. everyone is winging it all the time. we only know so much, and the rest is trial and error.

    and yeah, the people who seem composed are the ones who are good at faking it. some of them maybe even think they do know what's going on, but they don't.

    spider, you're going to be just fine. have fun, be young, drink, fuck, pray and just get up and do the best you can.

    also: never forget the power of chocolate.

By patrick on Friday, May 2, 2003 - 04:21 pm:

    i look myself in the mirror...and say "Dad?" "HA!"

    spider......relax and stop worrying. if you let up a bit life flows a little easier.

    id say put your religious hang ups on the closet shelf for a year but i know thats not right for you, and at the same time you know i have to say it.

    people ask me if im "freaked out" being a dad and i have to say no.

    does that make me composed or subsequently a "faker"? no. it just means i've have come to grips with the situation at hand.

    this is what it is and if anything, having a shorty has made me more of a relaxed individual because my daily structure has taken a knock.

    the only absolute i have is, i have a beautiful brilliant wife and a daughter who proving to be a terribly bright, strong, mellow, patient and sophisticated girl. the only sure thing and even thats not so sure, are the two faces smiling at me when i get home.

    you need to sull your oats spider....even if its in a G-rated manner.

By spunky on Friday, May 2, 2003 - 04:23 pm:

    I still feel like a little kid playing house.
    And I have not just a child, but CHILDREN.

    It freaks me out

By Spider on Friday, May 2, 2003 - 04:24 pm:

    It's not religious hang-ups, it's hang-ups, period. I am too fucking uptight. I seem and feel mellow most of the time, but the hang-ups are lurking in the background.

By Spider on Friday, May 2, 2003 - 04:25 pm:

    But I feel good now.

By patrick on Friday, May 2, 2003 - 04:47 pm:

    this doesnt really address the issue per se, but something ive been doing that i have noticed helps my families general daily disposition.


    for a mere $3-5 a week i pick up a bunch of ...whatever is onsale at trader joes. mums, daisies, tulips...whatever.

    place them around the house in numerous vases.

    i've been doing this sense the 8th month of pregnancy and man does it drastically change the mood in my house. i make sure nico has some sort of flower on her desk, in the bathroom, on the coffee table, dining table and in the bedroom nightstand. its an understatement how much it improves our general mood.

By eri on Friday, May 2, 2003 - 04:52 pm:

    I have been doing that myself. We have a big open field behind our apartment complex and I sometimes go there and just cut wildflowers and put them in the house. Also been working on having less clutter. The less I have to look at the more relaxed I am for some reason. So flowers and bulk reduction, on top of incence and candles. It calms my moods bigtime.

By Spider on Friday, May 2, 2003 - 05:01 pm:

    Hmmm...will have to try that, especially since the tulips are still out.

By Dougie on Friday, May 2, 2003 - 05:09 pm:

    No can do that chez Dougie. The frickin cats would have a field day, the little monsters.

    We had a spectacular row of daffodils all up along the driveway, but they're fading fast.

    The tulips are just coming out as well as the lilacs. I love Spring.

By The Management on Friday, May 2, 2003 - 05:10 pm:

    Please stop cutting down the wildflowers. Otherwise, you are risking a $250 fine.

    26% of all house fires are caused by unattended lit candles.

    (3% of all house fires are caused by wildflowers)

By Spider on Friday, May 2, 2003 - 05:13 pm:

    There are lilac bushes all around the Capital Beltway and just growing randomly all over the place in this area. It's so nice!

By eri on Friday, May 2, 2003 - 05:32 pm:

    "26% of all house fires are caused by unattended lit candles."

    Yeah, and? I don't recall saying that my candles were unattended after being lit.

    Silly fools.

    You have to be careful where you put flowers here, too, cuz Punkin likes to eat them. That is why my rosebush is outside now.

By J on Friday, May 2, 2003 - 10:48 pm:

    Last time I was in Colorado, I was in Durango on the mile high mountain picking some beautiful flowers that the lady from the forrest service stopped her truck and told me they were Columbines the state flower and I could be fined,but bless her she let me slide.

By wisper on Saturday, May 3, 2003 - 10:18 pm:

    amen to winging it all through adulthood.

    every passing year since i hit 20 has been filled with terrifying and silly events, each one reminding me that no one knows what the hell they're doing, we are all just making it up as we go.
    It's funny, and scary as hell.
    It started when i went to college and the bank gave me a credit card as part of the student account. Just handed it to me. Me? a credit card? for real?
    That's what tipped me off to the whole scheme.
    I have a credit card in my wallet. That's not right. Apparently i'm doing well with it because they keep raising my limit. I have good credit.
    Not right, not right at all.

    Even more confusing was renting my first house.
    A house? who's going to let me do that? be serious. But they did. Get this- i phoned up real estate agents and they not only talked to me (ME!) but set up appointments with me to show ME houses. They dressed up too. Gave it the big sell. Let me have one. I signed a lease and everything. Were they nuts? I'm just me. Little silly me.
    With a townhouse.
    Thats FUCKED UP.

    What a grand joke i thought it all was. I had actually convinced these people that i could handle a house and a credit card?
    The fools!

    Couldn't i just have half a lease to start with, and then later move on to all this grownup stuff? Who will teach me?
    It keeps getting funnier, as i never age, i'm always 16 in my head. I own a car. That's funny.

    The only bad thing is that it's made me realize that my parents are making it all up too, and that would keep me up at night if i let it.
    "You guys have no idea what you're doing, do you?"

    i imagine that the big CEOs of major companies sit around giggling about their power ties and their huge leather chairs when they are alone in their offices.

By eri on Sunday, May 4, 2003 - 12:16 am:

    I will openly admit to not knowing half of what I am doing, and questioning my judgement on a regular basis.

    I have come to peace with that part of me. I think that is my growing. I don't fucking care and try to do the best I can and as long as I do that I feel fine.

By PetRock on Monday, May 5, 2003 - 05:35 pm:

    as far as going back to school, I remember reading some advice (given by Dear Abby or Dear Ann Landers of all (dead) people):

    The person was somewhat older (i.e. in their late 40's or something like that). They wrote that they had always wanted to become a (doctor, lawyer, take your pick) but that by the time they graduated, they would be, let's say 50 and they were wondering if it would be worth it to go for that degree at such a late stage in life.

    Dear Abby/Ann Landers replied (with what I thought was excellent advice and something that I try to remember for myself) that this person, upon reaching age 50, would find themselves to be either someone who was actually a doctor/lawyer/take your pick or they would be someone who had always wanted to be a doctor/lawyer/take your pick but never followed through on their dreams.

    Meaning that you are never too old to teach an old dog new tricks. And you may just find it totally worth your while....


The Stalking Post: General goddam chit-chat Every 3 seconds: Sex . Can men and women just be friends? . Dreamland . Insomnia . Are you stoned? . What are you eating? I need advice: Can you help? . Reasons to be cheerful . Days and nights . Words . Are there any news? Wishful thinking: Have you ever... . I wish you were... . Why I oughta... Is it art?: This question seems to come up quite often around here. Weeds: Things that, if erased from our cultural memory forever, would be no great loss Surfwatch: Where did you go on the 'net today? What are you listening to?: Worst music you've ever heard . What song or tune is going through your head right now? . Obscure composers . Obscure Jazz, 1890-1950 . Whatever, whenever General Questions: Do you have any regrets? . Who are you? . Where are you? . What are you doing here? . What have you done? . Why did you do it? . What have you failed to do? . What are you wearing? . What do you want? . How do you do? . What do you want to do today? . Are you stupid? Specific Questions: What is the cruelest thing you ever did? . Have you ever been lonely? . Have you ever gone hungry? . Are you pissed off? . When is the last time you had sex? . What does it look like where you are? . What are you afraid of? . Do you love me? . What is your definition of Heaven? . What is your definition of Hell? Movies: Last movie you saw . Worst movie you ever saw . Best movie you ever saw Reading: Best book you've ever read . Worst book you've ever read . Last book you read Drunken ramblings: uiphgy8 hxbjf.bklf ghw789- bncgjkvhnqwb=8[ . Payphones: Payphone Project BBS

sorabji.com . torturechamber . px.sorabji.com . receipts . contact