I hope not...

sorabji.com: Do you have any regrets?: I hope not...

By K on Monday, June 7, 2004 - 05:20 pm:

    This is a good place for me to confess, because I have a hard time confessing anywhere else and I enjoy my anonymity (sp?) here. Anywhere else I end up on the web, everyone knows who I am.

    And true, I could write this privately and keep it hidden beneath a big stack of papers that no one will ever see except myself, but somehow, knowing that someone else has seen what I have to say, makes me feel a little bit cleaner. Maybe I'm looking for redemption? Maybe I want an easy out...

    I'm getting married in three months and he is my best friend. We met over two years ago and fell in love from day one. They say that sort of shit only happens in storybooks, but no really. I discovered what it felt like to know somehow my world, in a matter of three seconds, had been fated. The first time I saw him I was sitting at this coffee shop on a busy street and he was crossing it, coming to the same coffee shop, and through all the other people in the crowd, I noticed him. In my memory it's almost like he's shining. We ended up drinking our coffee together, spending three hours talking. He walked me home and within minutes we were in my bed just barely touching.

    See thing is, he had a girlfriend at the time. Someone he'd lived with for seven years and they'd reached the point where they'd fallen out of love. I think in a sense, I was an excuse for him to finally admit there was no longer a reason for the two of them to be together. Although granted, that's not the way things should be done. We both know this and it was a struggle early on in our relationship. He left her soon afterwards and what started as something just fun and sneaky once in awhile, became a relationship. Eventually we moved in together, and we've been sharing the same bed ever since. I fall asleep next to him every night and I wake up with him every morning. We move in sync with eachother. They say when you're in a relationship two things become one. And that's how it is with us. Although we have both maintained our independence where need, we are, in a sense, one entity. The whole thing, when I think about it that way, blows my mind.

    It hasn't been easy. In fact, I would have to say that loving him and letting him love me is one of the most difficult things I've ever done. But it's also the thing I'm most proud of. We've been through hell and back together and we've done it. We've overcome obstacle within ourselves that I don't think we ever would have gotten through without the other person. We have a beautiful apartment, three awesome cats and a dog. In a sense, we've already created our own little family. We're comfortable and at the same time, we're still head over heels in love. It's just a calmer love than anything I've experienced before. This I'm learning, is a pretty dynamic sort of thing.

    And then all of a sudden, my head starts getting cloudy. There were two people in my life prior to him that I think I also really loved, abeit, differently. Both of these people are still in my life, although because I've had to put them there to protect myself and my fiance, they are at a distance. And then, in the same 24 hours, they both rise up to the top again. I spoke to the first last night. He asked me when the wedding was and I told him, asked him if he'd like to come. He said yes, and in it, our whole past seemed to come out in his voice. I found myself missing him all night last night and early into this morning. Wondering what it would have been like if things had turned out differently with him. If back when we both made the decisions we did, if we'd made them differently. He's told me repeatedly that although he is happy for my current life, that if ever it didn't last, he'd marry me in a heartbeat. I hate, hate, hate, that this makes me twinge inside. For a long time he is what I always wanted. I guess I've never entirely gotten over that emotion. It makes me wonder if I'm making the right decisions. If I did make the right ones already before. I hate that I miss him sometimes early in the morning. I hate that I think about the way we used to kiss.

    It's not constant. I flux in and out of all of this, of missing the two other boys who, prior to my current, were always the unreachable. The two who for one reason or another, I could never have. I moved on, and now, it's almost ironic that both of them are in situations, that if things were still the same, I could slink into either of their lives and all the late night fantasies I had before could be real.

    But then I think about the calmness in my life now. The peace it took me years and years to find, and I did. And I realize that I have made (mostly) the right decisions to lead me here and that what I have now isn't something that just happens...

    But lately I can't seem to get over the other fantasies and I wonder if really it's possible to love someone with all your heart, and still, sometimes wonder what it would have been like to love the others...

    Eh. This was a mess and I apologize...

By kazu on Monday, June 7, 2004 - 05:34 pm:

    If you are still head-over-heels in love with your fiance, if you feel really really good about the way you're life has been going for a few years...these little fantasies and thoughts and anxieties seem pretty normal and natural to me. Certain things never truly leave our psyche and are bound to come up again, often at the most inappropriate of times, when nerves and emotions are running a little higher than usual. I would imagine that a few months before a wedding would be such a time. And especially if you'd kept some distance between yourself and these other individuals...it would make sense that when you talked again, things would kind of descend heavily. Or not, I really don't know.

By Dodi on Monday, June 7, 2004 - 07:33 pm:

    I think this is pretty normal...we're only human, so don't feel bad about it. Just follow your heart. :)

By wisper on Monday, June 7, 2004 - 09:36 pm:

    Hearts are probably capable of boundless love.
    Boundless love, and boundless questioning.
    If you pick A, you wonder about B and C. Pick C, wonder about A and B. This is no reason to think you made a bad choice. You would have these thoughts regardless of who you choose in the end.
    So you feel strongly for them, you will always. Do you think you can erase feelings so easily? Why would you want to?

    Unless you think you can somehow convince all parties involved to become one big poly-family, you should just be calm with the thoughts and doubts.

By K on Tuesday, June 8, 2004 - 12:32 am:

    "Unless you think you can somehow convince all
    parties involved to become one big poly-family.."

    Holy shit wisper, you just cured me of everything!

    And I know it, deep down in my heart that the one I'm
    with is truly and completely the one I want to be with. It's
    just that sometimes, early in the morning I sometimes
    want to, if only for a few moments, be with someone
    else. Wether it be the first or the second...in the long
    run, it sort of comes down to...you know...that quote in
    High Fidelity when John Cusacks character is talking
    about how he doesn't have to see the other girls dirty
    underwear? (Or something like that.) I'm sure if it came
    down to it, and the person I'm with was not the person
    I'm with, there'd be complications just as big as the
    ones we've already overcome...with anyone. And who's
    to say if I wasn't with the one I'm with and was with
    someone else...I wouldn't be in the exact same spot?

    It's all like this I think.

    I'm not making any sense...

    The truth is, in the past few weeks I've really started to
    think about it because it's starting to get close and
    because I find, when I'm faced with too much time to
    think, I start worrying.

    The trick I've found is to just make decisions that affect
    the rest of your life very quickly and stick with them
    instead of having all this time to let your brain start
    doing jumping jacks...

    With that said, maybe I'll call the whole thing off and
    we'll run to Vegas in the morning...

By sarah on Tuesday, June 8, 2004 - 11:37 am:

    why torture yourself like that? if you have love, trust, respect, if you have fun together, and if you can resolve conflict in a healthy manner, then just decide he's the one and get on with it.

    there will *always* be the possibility of someone else. if your goal is to get married to someone, then at some point you just have to decide.

By K on Tuesday, June 8, 2004 - 03:36 pm:

    no, you're right.

    and my goal has never been to get married...its just that with he and i, it makes sense now...except that i'm starting to get jittery..as you can tell.

    Eh. I think my head was just in the clouds yesterday. I think it's back on track today for the most part...

    It's just hard to sometimes make decisions when you don't know how they're going to turn out. It's almost like you want a guarantee of continued happiness, but you know, it's impossible to ever see that far...

    Does that make sense?

    Eh. I dunno.

By TBone on Tuesday, June 8, 2004 - 04:29 pm:

    You are the only one who has ever felt this way. Everyone else knows exactly how things will turn out. We've all read the book.

By sarah on Tuesday, June 8, 2004 - 07:04 pm:

    i *wrote* the book.

By Antigone on Tuesday, June 8, 2004 - 07:31 pm:

    i *ate* the book.

By Nate on Tuesday, June 8, 2004 - 10:08 pm:

    i *nine* the book.

By moonit on Wednesday, June 9, 2004 - 03:32 am:

    i *sold* the book for reeses peanut butter cups.

By Platypus on Wednesday, June 9, 2004 - 05:56 am:

    I *humped* the book for spare change.

By Gee on Wednesday, June 9, 2004 - 11:07 am:

    I saw peanut butter and chocolate spread from Kraft at the grocery store the other day. If someone had told me of something like this, I would have said ick, but somehow just seeing it made me drool. I'm dying to try it.

By patrick on Wednesday, June 9, 2004 - 12:44 pm:

    i *am* the book.




    there. better.

By TBone on Wednesday, June 9, 2004 - 01:04 pm:

    Okay, so I just *skimmed* the book.

By Spider on Wednesday, June 9, 2004 - 01:10 pm:

    I saw the movie.

By TBone on Wednesday, June 9, 2004 - 01:22 pm:

    Okay, I just skimmed the Cliff Notes.

By semillama on Wednesday, June 9, 2004 - 01:42 pm:

    I saw the saturday morning cartoon series spinoff of the movie based on the book.

By Spider on Wednesday, June 9, 2004 - 01:51 pm:

    I overheard an argument about the cartoon through the open window of the car next to me as I sat at a stoplight.

By dave. on Wednesday, June 9, 2004 - 01:58 pm:

    i read a discussion about the book on a website.

By Platypus on Wednesday, June 9, 2004 - 02:38 pm:

    I read the graphic novel spin-off of the cartoon series spin-off of the movie based on the book.

    (Little, Brown & Co.)

By sarah on Wednesday, June 9, 2004 - 02:51 pm:

    i saw the after school special.

By Antigone on Wednesday, June 9, 2004 - 03:20 pm:

    I smelled the fart of the author of the graphic novel spin-off of the cartoon series spin-off of the movie based on the book, who was watching the after school special while eating the product tie-in happy meal.

By Spider on Wednesday, June 9, 2004 - 04:38 pm:

    Oh, now you're just being silly.

By SPIDER on Wednesday, June 9, 2004 - 04:38 pm:


By K on Wednesday, June 9, 2004 - 05:13 pm:


    There is no book. It's really just a sentence.

By Nate on Wednesday, June 9, 2004 - 07:09 pm:

    i served that sentence twice.

By K on Thursday, June 10, 2004 - 03:00 pm:

    but escaped before the third?


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