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I am always thinking about two sentences ago in a conversation. I am reasonably intelligent but can't keep up with people's thoughts because I don't think they even thought about what they said. And the other person wants to show me how smart he is by saying something first.
I can't seem to remember important dates, phone numbers or events but I can tell you the batting orders for every team in the 1973 American League.
I don't understand women, sex, or love but have had a few of one, a lot of another, and one of the last and when I try to mix all 3 it seems to get fucked up.
I see through people's bullshit always but never have the heart to tell them off...
I guess I am just LOST.
I can build networks and servers and all this stupid techie shit, make good money, and have interests and hobbies and I am not mean to animals.
Yet at least once a week I cry and want to go sit on a mountain and just watch the sun rise and set.
I love art but I draw stick people.
I love music but can't sing.
I love people but am very shy.
I hate war but want to hit someone with a shovel sometimes.
I guess I'm just LOST.
To be continued.............
Me too. It's in my family, probably hereditary.
My father had way of somehow, with the way he looked at you or cleared his throat, something, he could make you stop talking until he finished thinking and was ready to reply to that sentence. Seems I didn't inherit that art, at least not yet...
He was probably a deep thinker, as we are, that adds too much import to others ramblings.
Otherwise, this is some sort of dyslexia of thought patterns that is probably the result of much substance abuse on my part.
Nevertheless, I still think it has a great deal to do with the thought plane that I live on, maybe you are there too. It is a plane that transcends the mundane, and is very theoretical and ethereal. I draw great inspiration from this plane and it helps me know that I am not doomed to te drudgery that degrades most human existance.
I have tried to cultivate this and enhance the spirituality that one experiences when less in touch with the ordinary and commonplace.
Yet I still am LOST when it comes to know what to say at parties or in an elevator. I am still LOST when a pretty girl makes googly-eyes. I am still lost when I know I should say something but the whole web of the recent conversation appears as a crustalline structure in my head and I just can't catch up and decipher the puzzle piece.
Maybe I should just shut up or cough something up like the old man did.
Thank you for the kind words of encouragement that you have posted in this
and other threads. I am glad that I make you think, that is the goal after all.
I am really not that depressed, I only write that way as sort
of a catharsis from the stress of everyday life (job, future, etc. ).
I do think about many things
and their nature, none of which anyone should really waste their time on.
You say that I am deep. Remember that depth is a relative perception epecially
when dealing with thought. When one dives into thought, whether one's own or someone
elses, it is very much like plunging into a pool blindfolded. The first
reaction is to flail a about until one can maintain his own, then to gradually
stabilize and enhance one's positioning. Once confortable, the individual then may
dive deeper to explore the depths and if he is lucky will find an outlet to a
larger body of water. If at anytime he removes the blindfold, he still may
not really perceive the depth correctly because if the water is dark, it will appear
shallower than it really is, and if it is crystal clear and relective, it will
appear much deeper. But the exploration is necessary to put the depth into proper
perspective and to decide on further action. One will never find a pearl if
he doesn't look.
This is what I believe animates the human quest. It can be
very difficult because to really gain knowledge one has to stand naked before oneself
and god to strip away the stories that we create to float our ego. In my case, doing
this is not always a "happy" experience but one that I believe necessary. If it appears
as whining or self centered, then I apologize because all I mean to do is sort of
use this medium as a virtual soapbox, hopefully that others may benefit.
We in our society do not measure the value of questions, just the speed at which
we can answer them.
Do not mistake depth for my ability to spew pseudo-intellectual
babble. After all, what initially caused me to post here was a reflection
of my own shallow soul manifested in the pained face that I perceived
when I read the NOBODY post. I have been both the victim and perpetrator
in that story and I would gladly be the victim 1000 times more if I can
trade one opportunity where all I had to do was reach out my hand.
I can still see the eyes looking out as if to say "HELP". I try never to
let that opportunity pass again.
As for my age, I wonder why it matters. Do I sound old because I have been
around the block a couple of times...well I have. I have had my tires kicked,
my mirrors adjusted and have been test driven down highways, byways, and skyways,
in parking lots and in back alleys.
Do I sound young because I appear naive and socially inept. Well I am still
left open mouthed from a suprise,complement, criticism , or even a flirtatious come-on; as if there were some
perfect response that I should have at the ready.
Do you want to know my temporal age, the age that I act, the age I feel or the age of
the lenses with which I percieve the world?
If I have raised any thoughts, so be it. If not, consider these postings as you would
subway graffiti. It confronts you daily, but have you ever stopped to read it and wonder why somebody bothered
in the first place?
I like the way you write.... the way you word things, the way you analyze things. Maybe I like it because I relate to it. I don't know.... But I gotta go.
By the way.... I don't care what your age is... I was just curious.
I am a 17 year old girl....and feel like an old lady or a little girl. Depends on the situation.
But ages are all wrong. They never fit the person they're given to.