An engaged man. Who are you?: An engaged man.

By Pilate on Thursday, December 28, 2000 - 11:36 pm:

    My lover has asked me to marry him.

    This is so unreal. And wonderful. I said that I would do it. However, we've agreed to wait until his favorite holiday (Halloween).

    I'm thrilled of course, but also a bit afraid. The relationship has gone so well that I'm still waiting for something to fuck up. I'm waiting for the disaster to strike. So far it hasn't. I've got a great kid and a fantastic man. There are moments when life seems to be going TOO good.

    I've always been a bit divided on the whole marriage thing. I've always been a bit cynical about it. It's been used against the gay community for so long that I find it distasteful (we can't have "normal" marriages like the straights and moreover we're expected to beg and grovel for the "right" to get some kind of blessing from the government suggesting that our relationships are somehow okay, or at least sanctified by Big Brother). Of course, my marriage will still be outside the law. I've always said I don't give a shit about such things but it IS a bit irritating. I've got this wonderful person who wants to have a lasting relationship with me but the state won't dispense the same rights to me as it will to some know-nothing teenage skank who gets married and divorced again within three months. Wonderful.

    Still, I'm amazed and happy. Trace gave me a ring. I'm wearing it right now. I look so fucking married already.

    It's strange. I'm the dominant person in the relationship, if that makes any sense. I should've asked him first. I thought about it but I was scared. I was going to sidestep the whole issue altogether unless he expressed a strong desire to make the relationship "official". It doesn't matter as much to me. Our relationship is strong whether we call ourselves lovers, partners or spouses.

    We've had a whirlwind romance. Short and incredibly sweet. I want to make sure I'm doing the right thing. But God, I love him. I want things to go just like they've been going. The peaceful and happy home. The sweetness of having him in bed with me when I turn out the lights. Just knowing he's here with me.

    I've never felt like this before. All domestic and happy.

By Nate on Friday, December 29, 2000 - 01:27 am:

    congratulations, Pilate. of anyone, you deserve the best.

By J on Friday, December 29, 2000 - 02:46 am:

    I second that:)

By Tom on Friday, December 29, 2000 - 04:59 am:

    I third that. Congratulations; and thanks, also. Your posts have been really inspirational. It's good to see people happy, yes? Makes me happy, and restores my faith in the universe a little bit, to see something work out.

    Fetidbeaver. Pilate. Who's next?

By moonit on Friday, December 29, 2000 - 05:09 am:

    Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.

    Congrats Pilate.

By Nate on Friday, December 29, 2000 - 01:23 pm:

    two you missed, Tom. the spine and myself are both engaged.

By Pilate on Friday, December 29, 2000 - 01:37 pm:

    You're really sweet, all of you. Thanks.

    It feels odd being engaged. Not married but almost there. We're having a bit of a long engagement.

    Crimson's always been big on the long engagement thing. She thinks that a year is a good amount of time. Within a year you'll probably end up seeing your lover's bad side and from there you can make an informed decision about whether to continue in the relationship. It's probably not a bad idea.

    In some way, though, I'd like to just go ahead and enter into the marriage. I guess I still have a slight psychological fear that Trace could change his mind. He's handsome and wonderful and I know that there's probably a thousand guys who'd just love to snag him right out from under me.

    This relationship has come about so quickly. But I knew immediately that it felt right. Everything just clicked perfectly.

    Trace really likes the feeling of our being engaged. He knows I'm ready to commit to him now (as if he couldn't have guessed that already). He's got me. I'm not going anywhere. I kinda like it too. I know he's serious (as if I couldn't have guessed that already). And it gives our kid some stability. Brendan will realize that we have the same level of commitment as any straight couple.

By Chordata on Friday, December 29, 2000 - 04:05 pm:

    OKAY, we need to get a webpage to show off the sorabjiite rings!

By Tom on Friday, December 29, 2000 - 09:36 pm:

    Didn't miss you two. thought of you both. But FB and Pilate just announced within what... 3 days? At this rate, we'll all be paired of within a few months.

    I want a ring made out of paste and string and bent paperclips and elmers glue and ribbon.

    Otherwise I'm staying single, and that's all there is too it.

By dave. on Friday, December 29, 2000 - 11:01 pm:

    like you have any say in the matter.

By Cat on Saturday, December 30, 2000 - 02:50 am:

    I have my grandfather's wedding ring. Never found anyone who hugs me like he could. When I do, the ring trades hands.

By Pilate on Saturday, December 30, 2000 - 03:42 am:

    I feel a little funny wearing a ring now. It feels odd on my finger. I suppose that this may also end up being my wedding band, since guys usually don't get two rings like women do (one for the engagement and one for the wedding). I have gotten Trace a small (but masculine-looking) ring with a diamond in the center. It's tasteful, not too flashy. My band is a bit more plain than that, which is fine by me.

    I don't think we're going to make a big ceremony out of the wedding. It'll be a quiet and understated kind of thing. Haven't decided if we want to do it at dawn or at midnight on Halloween.

By Semillama on Saturday, December 30, 2000 - 02:24 pm:

    Congrats, Pilate.

    My high school best friend is getting married again. I just realized that there aren't too many of us left single. If I were a betting man, I'd place it on myself as the last man standing.

By R.C. on Thursday, January 4, 2001 - 03:29 am:

    Fetidbeabver's engaged!!!? Good grief!

    Who's next?


    Sorabji himself?!

    Pilate: If you want 2 rings/get 2 rings. Some of the men's diamond-&-platinum rings the newer designers are coming out w/are gorgeous. I am now helping a gay friend of mine shop for a 1st-anniversary ring for his S.O. so I've got bands on the brain!

    But pls. don't either of you show up in a dress!

    Wanna a big to-do ceremony? Then have it -- it's not state-sanctioned anyway/but to yr friends & loved ones/doing the big public thing gives them a chance to stand up & say "Good for you!" then party all nite. And there are many clergy out there who perform same-sex ceremonies/if you wanna do the church thing.

    Personally/I prefer the big rock/1 year -engagement/followed by a small-but-elegant ceremony & reception. Save the $$ for a 3-mo.honeymoon. Who-hoo! My big dream is to travel to the far east & eat our way thru Singapore, Malaysia & Thailand while screwing on all the best beaches!

    (But maybe that's a girl thing)

    And DEFINITELY have a honeymoon. From what I've heard/that's when the married feeling really kicks in.

    It's the beginning of the rest of yr life together. Feel free to do whatever the 2 of YOU want.


By patrick on Thursday, January 4, 2001 - 12:14 pm:

    yeah i recall the ring feeling super funny....i never wore jewelry before.

    except that choker and pad lock in middle school.

    but that was under false pretense.

    now, i feel naked without my ring.

    Pilate you guys should head to Vermont, if it's legitimacy you seek?

    But being bandits in AR (insert fumbling banjo) could be a gas too.

    I photographed a lesbian ceremony not too long ago. The best part was after the film was spent and the couple were off to pass out....going across the street to get drunk with lesbians and Marty and Elaine (re movie: Swingers..the "Stayin Alive" singin duo)

By Pilate on Thursday, January 4, 2001 - 04:25 pm:

    Thanks, R.C......Your advice is well-taken. I think I might end up with two rings but my man seems very happy with the one diamond ring I've already given him. I might get a second matching wedding band to stack on top of the engagement band I'm already wearing. After the marriage I'll have the two rings fused together.

    The ring still feels a bit weird on my finger but I'm slowly getting used to it.

    I don't know about the Vermont thing. It's something to think about, though. It just seems to me so ethically wrong that it's not legal in all 50 states......I've just gotta bitch about it sometimes.

    A honeymoon? Hell, yeah. We're definitely doing the honeymoon thing. As far as either of us showing up in a dress, forget about it. Getting me to put on a dress would be a damn hard task. We wanna keep the ceremony small just because that's how we like it and also to save money for the honeymoon trip. Our son will probably also be our best man. He's so excited about the whole thing. Pug, Ren and Crimson will almost certainly be there but that's about it. We're going to keep it short and sweet.

By J on Thursday, January 4, 2001 - 04:31 pm:

    Well,at least post some pictures hon, I never take my ring off,I'm too absent minded and I'd freak if I lost it.

By patrick on Thursday, January 4, 2001 - 07:00 pm:

    easy on the champagne.

    the first night is NEVER what its harped out to be.

By semillama on Friday, January 5, 2001 - 12:28 am:

    Hey pilate, you might consider what my frieds did with their rings:

    They had their engagment rings worked into the fabric of their wedding rings, but so you could tell it had been separate at one point. That was cool.

    If I ever get hitched, it will have to be a big ceremony, else everyone will think I am only joking.

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