wish i knew


sorabji.com: Who are you?: wish i knew
THIS IS A READ-ONLY ARCHIVE FROM THE SORABJI.COM MESSAGE BOARDS (1995-2016).

By Oswald Jr. on Wednesday, January 31, 2001 - 03:34 pm:

    It's just me. Crimson show me how to start a new talk and here I am. Who am I? I am Captain Benteen and I am a half man half boy whole queer named Brendan born in Oklahoma living in Arkansas. Im not sure whats going to become of me when I am grownup and that make me scaret but I cant' let fear stomp me down! If I was good and stay in church I could be a preachermen becaus i am VERY good at it and if I mind my accant I could talk on radio. I cannot read and write worth a shit for now but I am stil smart but, how do I make peple beleive it. I woandr if I will be one of these guys who is 30 and still liven in Daddy's house. I dont know which way to turn. Rich boys go to colage and poor boys go to work but I don't see those things for me Im' to dumb for school and nobody will hiar me for bein a drop out. I am screwed! But I am pretty. very pretty and I can be some ones sugar baby and when my man die I'll get all his mony and buy a sugar baby of my own and make sure he dont rip me off. Im the god of funk too and all of that good shit but what does God do when he grows up? Somedays I feel so strong and, othar days I just feel real damn lost.


By Nate on Wednesday, January 31, 2001 - 04:08 pm:

    you sound like a rockstar.


By heather on Wednesday, January 31, 2001 - 04:08 pm:

    we know you're smart

    you are wonderful the way you are

    keep it up, pilate will take care of you


    you are SO much more than a sugar baby



    those of us who've had it easy feel lost too some days


By semillama on Wednesday, January 31, 2001 - 04:22 pm:

    I was thinking the same thing, Nate.

    You could always become an actor, too.


By heather on Wednesday, January 31, 2001 - 04:39 pm:

    ok. so you guys are cooler than me

    i HATE when i sound like a mom


By pez on Wednesday, January 31, 2001 - 05:10 pm:

    do all sorts of cool stuff and use your knowledge to find a unique niche for yourself.

    and don't let anyone ever tell you that you don't kick ass.


By Oswald Jr. on Wednesday, January 31, 2001 - 05:22 pm:

    Sounding like a Mom is okay. Moms are sometimes okay and have cool thing to say, not my Mom but other Moms. Ishoudnt talk about the sugar baby shit becase Daddy doen't like it and its not like I have to do that now. I tryed being a sugar baby and the man beat me even when I wasnt' bad. He yelld at me and hurt me he said, I am worthles and he made me afraid, Everone thinks he is a nice guy and hes not! He is mean to little boys. I stoal his ring from the Masons when he throw me out and I wear it onec in awhile but Daddys not wild about it.I hate the man but I like the ring. I did a spell to get his evil out from it. I'm good and almost never am a theif but he broake my toes with his boot and I was mad and wanted some thing from him! He never wore it anyways. I oughta be a rockstar but so should Crimson.


By Antigone on Wednesday, January 31, 2001 - 05:41 pm:

    Evil is hard to root out of those things.

    Be careful.


By Pilate on Wednesday, January 31, 2001 - 05:57 pm:

    I'd like to do a spell and break that evil bastard's head posthumously. Christ knows how many kids' lives he wrecked. Brendan still wears the ring, and he's right, Daddy's not wild about it. But it seems that Brendan genuinely likes the ring and has nothing but contempt for the man.

    I think it's good for Brendan to come here and talk about different issues. Of course, we talk at home too.

    Brendan, it's great to see you writing so much! Please watch your spelling. I checked your homework and it looks great. You did a good job, as always. You're doing very well with your vocabulary words. Your history is also coming along well. As bright as you are, you've got plenty ahead for you in your future and don't need to worry about it so much. But anytime you DO get worried about anything, you can come to me and talk about it, day or night. I'm here for you.

    Dinner is at 8:00 tonight. Be there or be square.


By patrick on Wednesday, January 31, 2001 - 06:20 pm:

    Hey Cap!...never use anything i say as an example other than how NOT to write and spell.

    many thanks


By Pilate on Wednesday, January 31, 2001 - 07:33 pm:

    Thinking that maybe I should chill out about the whole spelling bit and let Brendan just type what he feels......at least here. God knows he works hard enough on his writing in his lessons. Besides, I haven't exactly proven myself to be a master grammarian, either.


By Dougie on Wednesday, January 31, 2001 - 07:47 pm:

    Have you thought of having him learn a foreign language? A lot of times, after learning a different language, you get a different perspective on your own. Latin might be a cool start.


By Pilate on Wednesday, January 31, 2001 - 08:01 pm:

    Actually, no. With English grammar being fairly difficult for him, I haven't even really explored the possibility of adding a second language. It could be confusing. However, I think he could pick up a spoken language fairly easily. He definitely has a knack for the spoken word.

    Hell, I'll talk to him about it. If he wants to give it a try, it's fine by me. I'm wondering, though, if he's not already overloaded with his lessons as it is. I think I got a bit overambitious during the past few weeks with my assignments and may need to ease up just a little bit.


By Antigone on Wednesday, January 31, 2001 - 08:17 pm:

    Sometimes grammars of different languages can make more sense. English grammar is fucked. Japanese grammar is cool. It's also a lot of fun to write and speak.


By crimson on Wednesday, January 31, 2001 - 08:25 pm:

    advanced french grammar just about blew my brains out in college, but it also taught me a lot about the finer points of english. it helped clue me in as to just how screwed up english really is. learning french grammar actually helped me explain a few things to my students about english that i probably wouldn't have been able to explain prior to having studied a foreign language.


By Dougie on Wednesday, January 31, 2001 - 09:14 pm:

    French would do just as well, crimson, but French seems to be a bad word around here.


By crimson on Wednesday, January 31, 2001 - 09:31 pm:

    oh yeah, that's right. fuck the french.


By moonit on Thursday, February 1, 2001 - 12:47 am:

    My best friend dropped out of school.

    She is now second in command for a popular radio station in one of the smalled towns in the South Island, and on the track to becoming a station manager.

    Someone took a chance on her, she had to start at the very bottom, but she is making it. The same could happen for you.


By moonit on Thursday, February 1, 2001 - 12:50 am:

    smalled would be smaller in a world where I hadn't just worked 25 hours in two days.


By agatha on Thursday, February 1, 2001 - 02:15 am:

    i prefer to think about it as a smalled town. it has a nice ring to it.

    brendan, i will have some things to say to you soon, but i need to think about them more. i can tell that you are a good soul, though, i can tell you that for now.


By Oswald Jr. on Thursday, February 1, 2001 - 08:26 am:

    I try to be a good soul, I am not always but I try. I do things I shold not. but I do what both my Daddys say most all the time. Crimson use to be a radio persoan and that sounds very cool but, I have a big accent. So does Crimson but she makes it go away and sound real smooth like a TV person. Big parts of my life are wide open like I do'nt even know what to do with my self. I do not have a lover.I had this crush one time and he was mean to me he was from over sea UK he was goth. He act all cruall to me and made me cry said I was a dumb hillbily after he used me. I coudn't be like him no fancy cloathes nothing. NOTHING, Is what I felt like. He made fun of my way of dreassing and my indian blood and everythig. His hair wasnt realy that color he died it. Whore. It stil l hurts to think of it he is long gone but the memoray is still inside me!


By heather on Thursday, February 1, 2001 - 08:57 am:

    brendan

    you bring out the 'wanna kick someone's ass and take care of people' instinct in me something fierce

    luckily someone else is doing it


By semillama on Thursday, February 1, 2001 - 09:27 am:

    Where the hell does a goth of all people get off making fun of how another person looks? How could you be more ridiculous looking than a goth? No offense to the goths who know they look ridiculous, though.

    You know, Brendan, your spelling is actually pretty good. I'm come across worse when I had to grade papers in grad school, so don't worry about it. Hell, I consistently mistype "the" all the time!

    About the ring: Just don't go around making frog noises and referring to it as "Precioussss" and it should be OK.


By Pug on Thursday, February 1, 2001 - 09:42 am:

    Brendan---
    Sometimes the memories never die but you can still have a good time. Sometimes it's all you've got.
    The French are ornery bastards, man----never mind the year-plus I spent going out w/a second-gen French immigrant......despite the rep they have as Surrender-Monkeys....the French rock and it took me years to appreciate it...I lived in France for a year and a half.....they go on strike at the drop of a hat-----they tie up the whole fucking country and they GET SHIT DONE. Workers in France get pissed and they grind the whole country to a halt....I'd like to see American workers try that.
    Ain't gonna happen, of course----because, unfortunately, American workers put A LOT OF STOCK in what they're told.


By Pilate Worship on Thursday, February 1, 2001 - 10:07 am:

    i am so confused. i thought Brendan was being funny/cute with his spelling. does he really spell like that Pilate? god, if he does, then please make him save it for later. because people that can actually speak their minds in such a manner, at such a somewhat young age, can usually spell, literally, out for themselves. i thought he was being "trailer" for fun. but that is just my big city mentality. i find it very rare that someone has the capability to express themselves, and discuss themselves, in such a manner, even orally at his age. if this is true, and he cannot spell perfectly, can you imagine what a genius is to become of him, when he does? what genius is already there? once again, i only post because of you. the troll that i am. from your friend and admirer, Pilate Worship.


By Pilate on Thursday, February 1, 2001 - 01:31 pm:

    Brendan doesn't spell like that for fun. It's so NOT funny it's unreal. He's trying harder than hell to communicate here. I think he's doing a great job. The spelling's certainly no joke. In fact, his spelling has come a long way. There have been days when it's impossible to decipher what he's trying to write.

    Brendan gets very frustrated sometimes while typing or writing because his mind moves a lot faster than he can write. There are also things he really wants to say but can't without help. Online, it's difficult because the computer tries to shut down if he doesn't move fast enough.

    Brendan is a very introspective, bright kid with a lot to say. He's just having a hard time saying it.

    Watching Brendan try to write can be very painful. He tries so damn hard. It's physically and emotionally difficult. Sometimes, he gets intense headaches. He concentrates so hard. The frustration kicks in, too. He says things out loud and then tries to spell them and it's really hard. He actually has a fairly good vocabulary and has proven on a number of occasions that he's really good at putting those words together. He DID learn a lot from preachers as a kid and can do great Biblical style rants, except that by the time he gets done, they're a lot more like Subgenius rants. In fact, the kid was probably BORN to be a Subgenius.

    The odd thing about Brendan's spelling is that after a few days it becomes infectuous, not unlike Crimson's weird typing style. I look at Brendan's papers every day and I read memos from Crimson. By nightfall, I'm writing just like both of them put together.

    Brendan's very bright. His spelling's not the best but it'll improve. I think it's improving with each month that goes by, if not each day.


By patrick on Thursday, February 1, 2001 - 03:07 pm:

    "because his mind moves a lot faster than he can write."

    My hands couldnt keep up with my mind.

    this what they speculated when they whipped me to write neatly in grammar school.

    i suppose most are taught to pace themselves to be cohesive...but im kinda impatient.


By Nate on Thursday, February 1, 2001 - 03:20 pm:

    maybe that's why you drum.

    i've noticed a huge leap in spelling quality since the first post.

    and who cares. my spelling blew chunk when i was his age, and no one questioned my intelligence.

    hell, my spelling still sucks.

    you just keep working on it and try to remember not to spell it "intellegence".




By patrick on Thursday, February 1, 2001 - 03:32 pm:

    oh definitly nate. drumming is instant. move hand this way in that manner and hear THAT or THAT in that way.


    by the way...i've been stuffing and labeling friggin envelopes all god damn morning. I don't mind it, but i take a minute to myself every 5...ergo im chatty today.


By semillama on Thursday, February 1, 2001 - 03:34 pm:

    I feel dumb for not recognizing the inherent SubGeniusness of Oswald Jr.'s writings and smitings before. I must do penance by watching pro-wrestling tonight instead of packing.


By pez on Thursday, February 1, 2001 - 03:53 pm:

    it sounds like he'll grow up to be one of those people who has a pdc lifestyle and we'll all wish we were him.

    as for writing speed, sometimes i write slow because there isn't a word to describe what i think. and then if i write too long my hand starts to hurt. this excruciating pain in my right hand, at the outward corner of my palm, below my pinkie near the wrist. i've felt that pain so many times in the last few days, writing so much that i've filled somewhere around 30 pages in addition to schoolwork.

    one thing about writing is that i can't use infliction or different accents or do cool stuff like growl and moan. it's limited, but writing and drawing are the only places where i'm not a slave to my culture even if i use the tools it gave me.

    what about asl? he won't need many additional grammar lessons and he'd be able to communicate with his hands. bah-ah-ah.


By Hal on Friday, February 2, 2001 - 12:41 am:

    I don't know why but this whole string makes me feel depressed.


By Oswald Jr. on Friday, February 2, 2001 - 07:08 pm:

    I want to practis with my band tonite but 3rd of my band is grounded and it realy bites but i'ts only for a week I may not get to see my freinds this evaning. Im thinken maybe I can writ a poem if theres nothing else to do or I can sit in the dark and watch tv and just be a layze shit all week end long. i may have sayed it beafore but I am trying to read in the Bible and it is hard. The word I like best in the Bible is SELAH it is in the psalm and it is a Bible words. It means for mucisians to start playin. psalm 3 says it and so do most othars. When you say selah every body play music! So I say it at the mall and my band starts making a big rackat behaind me. SELAH! its good to say it any old time like in walmart or the bus stasion. its' your new word for the day from me to you.


By dave. on Friday, February 2, 2001 - 08:21 pm:

    i'm thinking "and the ass saw the angel" by nick cave might also be a good read for you, brendan.


By droopy on Saturday, February 3, 2001 - 01:01 am:

    i've still gotta read that book. every time i read him (oswald/brendan) i think of huckleberry finn. the novel. and nick cage. and that other guy whose name i can't remember.

    saw an irish play tonight. "the weir". set in an irish pub. had several guinnesses with the cast aferwards. one of them read an irish ghost story. i taught them how to sing "molly malone". fun night.


By dave. on Saturday, February 3, 2001 - 01:15 am:

    i'm really impressed with that book. i mean <STRONG>really</STRONG> impressed. great book. it's been compared to geek love. never read that.


By dave. on Saturday, February 3, 2001 - 03:41 am:

    and we <STRONG>really</STRONG> need some family pics. post haste.


By patrick on Saturday, February 3, 2001 - 12:31 pm:

    wish i could help


By dave. on Saturday, February 3, 2001 - 01:12 pm:

    you can. get me some aspirin.


By crimson and oswald on Sunday, February 4, 2001 - 01:43 pm:

    happy birthday, pug!

    fun factoid: heard on a TV documentary once that 2/4/62 was supposedly, according to one prophet (nostradamus?), the birthdate of the antichrist.

    guess when pug was born?

    might wanna stay on the man's good side when he takes over the world & everything.


By Pug on Monday, February 5, 2001 - 01:09 am:

    And the quest for world domination continues....did I mention I give great head?
    A friend and I caught some VH1 deal on John Cougar Melonhead today....he was going on about his misspent youth and how men are categorically useless 'til they turn forty....I guess that makes it official....I have one year left to be a complete shitheel.


By Pug on Monday, February 5, 2001 - 01:24 am:

    "And the Ass Saw the Angel"---cool book I never did finish (I fuckin' love Nick Cave----have since the Birthday Party days)....I think my Mom may have it, back in New England....
    Love that part where they have the prostitute cornered and are trying to run her out of town and then she starts talking to the fine, upstanding men in the group, revealing that most of them have been her clients....and then they kill her....kinda like real life....


By pez the zinester on Monday, February 5, 2001 - 01:40 pm:

    happy birthday pug!

    i've gotten in contact with the woman running the shop in ohio...i'm going to send her four copies.

    i'm in the midst of making the actual copies that i'll be sending out. if you want a copy, please email me before 3 pm tomorrow.


By Oswald Jr. on Tuesday, February 6, 2001 - 07:51 am:

    I'm at Crimsons' were going to watch the sun rise. We were talking about image. The image I want for my self in a public way and there are ways i act taht are'nt always what I am like for real. I wish that I could just be a freek all the time and wear real cool shit but I have the brains to see that peopel would kick my ass for going down the streete in eye shadow somedays I wanna be a flamin bitch godess but Im just anothar small town kid with a atitude. I wold like to go out holdin somne boys hand and wearing high heals and force this town to woarship my sweet quear little ass but in stead I will sit here with auntie Crimson and have breakfast and see the damn sun come up like it hase'nt done the same exact thing every moarning for the past milion years.


By Oswald Jr. on Tuesday, February 6, 2001 - 09:54 am:

    I am in a talking mood today and Im alredy driven folks nuts. Too bad la la la la la. I think of the lover I want some day and he would be hot and maybe with lite color hair and blue eyes if not that is ok but, I like that look. He coud be round my age not some old goat and he'd be real sweet not a prick and not argue all the time. If he fuck up he can say he is sorry and then I kiss him and every thing is ok again. I be so good to him and not give him troble. He can be goth or what ever I do'nt care but just not snotty cause I have already deal with that and it sux! I do not care if he is efemanat becase so am I sometimes so he can be a biggar fag than me a silly prety little shit but with a good brain. So, as soon as i mail ordar myself a boy I will be all set to take over the Earth.


By Czarina on Tuesday, February 6, 2001 - 10:11 am:

    Happy belated birthday Pug!


By Pilate on Tuesday, February 6, 2001 - 02:31 pm:

    Yeah, happy b'day, Pug.......although I've already told you that in person.

    As for Oswald Jr. wanting a lover, we all know that at 15, he's too damn young to be thinking about that sort of thing.

    So, Brendan, just go to your room until you turn 30 and then we'll talk about it, okay?


By Oswald Jr. on Tuesday, February 6, 2001 - 02:52 pm:

    You wish. I will have LOTS of lovers not just one! and they will all come live at home with us and you can suport them for ever and ever. They will eat all the food out of the frige and rase total hell and we will have oargys while your at work Im gona have a difrant boy for every day of the year and, two for every Sunday when I need a spunge bath. I will sit around the house and they gona feed me by hand and tell me I am brilant all day long.


By pez on Tuesday, February 6, 2001 - 03:39 pm:

    who needs that many lovers? i just want one wildman that will eat from my hand.

    he will be a mountain lion, with dreads and a deep voice. a savage creature, untamable, but he'll rub against my legs and purr. a mind of his own but he'll treat me like the slinkster cool nature goddess i am. he will bite me occasionally, but just little love bites because he likes the taste of my skin. and i'll be his woman because i want to, not because he's beautiful and strange, but because we understand each other without explanation and he likes to hear me purr when he rubs his hands on my body.

    love (or lust, rather) has to be savage and bloody besides being sweet, because i want someone i can clench teeth with, not a slave.


By patrick on Tuesday, February 6, 2001 - 03:48 pm:

    I just saw Rita Marley accept the honor of having a star placed on the walk of fame for Bob.

    That was kinda cool. A co-worker and I were looking for a contact high.


By pez on Tuesday, February 6, 2001 - 03:55 pm:

    wheeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

    i checked out a cd from the library yesterday. it's tarkan, a turkish man from istanbul, singing turkish/latin-type electronic music. i love it.


By Oswald Jr. on Tuesday, February 6, 2001 - 05:26 pm:

    I dont really want that many lovars I was just kidding. Well maybe I'd like to have that many for about a week just to check it out. I do not realy want a slave I want an equal and finding an equal may be real hard because no one is my equal. I do'nt mean to be stuck up. What I am sayeing is no one is equal to me in being crazy and I need some body who can keep up with me. I want a boy who think like me in most every way but is stil his own person. He can be a sissy on the outside and wear a skirt but inside of him their must be real nerve and balls or he is sort of useless.


By PDQ on Tuesday, February 6, 2001 - 05:39 pm:

    This father son thing is kind of creepy kind of like that me and daugter of me.


By TBone on Tuesday, February 6, 2001 - 05:50 pm:

    I saw Patch Adams last night. Not the movie. The
    real guy. He came to my campus.

    Cool guy. Lots of cool things to say. Smart.

    He suggested some people start a Missoula
    hug-patrol. I imagine it'll happen.

    There really were a lot of people here in Missoula
    who'd happily follow him forever. They'll
    probably get their chance, too. He's got people
    clowning all over the world.

    His relationship with Robin Williams is
    interesting... Patch really liked him, lived in
    his home for a week or two, spent major time on
    the set of the movie... and out of the millions
    of dollars Robin got, he didn't give even a small
    donation. That's not to say Patch didn't ask. He
    asked for ALL of it.

    People are weird with money.


By crimson on Tuesday, February 6, 2001 - 05:53 pm:

    a father is talking to his son in a direct & honest way in an open public forum. this is creepy? oh, but wait...most fathers & sons don't talk at all. sorry. i almost mistook the openness between pilate & brendan for the norm. mustn't make that mistake again.


By PDQ on Tuesday, February 6, 2001 - 06:27 pm:

    Maybe I should clarify, his outwardly gay demeanor and grammar skills of a 9 year old creep me out too. :-)


By crimson on Tuesday, February 6, 2001 - 06:55 pm:

    great. brendan has just read your comment & is in tears now, THANK YOU. i know you've got a little smiley face there, but it didn't seem to help. please understand: the kid has just escaped from a school system in which he was mercilessly teased & belittled for his writing skills. pilate (& i) encourage him to post here because it seems to actually be helping him w/ his writing, reading & personal interaction skills. his skills are admittedly a bit limited, but they'll be REALLY limited if he doesn't keep working on it. everybody's got to start somewhere.

    christ, can ANYONE give this kid a fucking break? anyone?

    as far as his being openly gay, fuck it, i'm openly bisexual & most of the people here are openly straight. people talk about their sexuality here all the time. brendan's got as much a right as anyone. he's also going through a period of trying to define himself as a person. most adolescents (& virtually all sorabjites) are a bit mesmerized by their own sexuality. the openly gay stance is just part of it all. at least he's not some kind of hand-wringing closet case. i admire his boldness & humor.

    i don't know what to say. the kid's really, really upset.

    of course, you've also got a right to say what you feel & we all acknowledge that. it's just that brendan thought he was doing pretty good w/ his writing, only to get shot down.

    he's a bit hurt, but you know, he'll get over it. he always does.


By Antigone on Tuesday, February 6, 2001 - 07:24 pm:

    Now, wait a second. One person voicing his (her?) discomfort in two sentences ain't "shooting" Brendan. If that's all it takes to make him cry then maybe he's not ready to post here...


By crimson on Tuesday, February 6, 2001 - 07:35 pm:

    i understand what you're saying. the kid's just upset. he's actually pretty thick-skinned about most stuff, just not about the writing. it's going to take a while for him to build up his self-esteem about it. in the meantime, he's kinda fragile & even the smallest comments can wound him. he got upset & left here & i can only hope he's going home. pilate's out looking for him now. brendan knows it'll be all right. he's just dealing w/ it in his own way. he's a good kid. he's just reaaaaally sensitive about (real or perceived) derogatory comments about his intellectual capacity. being a special ed kid can do that to you. like i said, he'll be okay. he's really frustrated & having a hard time expressing himself right now. remember the learning disability & all that. but really, it'll be cool. we've just gotta get him calmed down & he'll be fine again.


By Antigone on Tuesday, February 6, 2001 - 07:40 pm:

    Yeah... But this is a public forum, ya know? There's no way to control what will be posted here. Maybe a better place for him to post would be a private chat room of some sort, at least until he's ready to shrug off potential negative comments.


By crimson on Tuesday, February 6, 2001 - 07:45 pm:

    i hear ya. i run a message board myself...it's so hidden that it may as well be private. that might be a better place for him to start going.

    another thought: brendan's writing skills being compared to those of an elementary school student isn't the best news he's had all day. his kid brother is turning 8 & already reads & writes at a far more advanced level than brendan. it's hardly a source of pride & joy. that may be part of what bothered him so terribly. i'm just guessing, here.

    i'm not trying to rip PDQ apart. really, i'm not. i just wanted to point out that the comment did bother brendan. it's also left pilate & i in the unenviable position of trying to deal w/ a rather disturbed teenager right now.


By patrick on Tuesday, February 6, 2001 - 07:59 pm:

    i kind of agree.

    i really like seeing him post i really do, but not if it's going to upset him when the occasional "oatmeal boy" comes along, which they will, and for those who don't know anything about brendan, who don't know he's only a young boy....well they could speak to him as if he's an adult, which could hurt. Doesnt make it right, but its a potential reality.

    Since jim the Pajama boy left I kinda miss the outwardly gay stance on life. God knows the peeps i work with have no sense of humor.



By Cat on Tuesday, February 6, 2001 - 07:59 pm:

    Agreed Antigone. I'm sure Brendan doesn't want, nor should he expect, special treatment. But it worried me that PDQ referred to postings on the boards from six months ago and yet I never recall seeing that alias before. Slam away, but have the courage to do it openly and not like some anonymous slime.



By dave. on Tuesday, February 6, 2001 - 09:52 pm:

    brendan, there's a big difference between a stranger's criticism and a loved one's criticism. just tell people like that to kiss your scrawny, faggot ass and then ignore their words until they start being more nice, which may never happen. big deal: pdq thinks this, pdq thinks that. so what.

    on the other hand, realize that whatever you say in a public forum doesn't go away (oh, how i wish it did!) and you leave yourself open to other people's criticism by posting your thoughts. this is a good thing in the long run as it makes you think about what you're saying (unless you're fucking wasted) but it can be uncomfortable at first to see your thoughts get seriously attacked.

    relax.


By Sometimes known as Pilate Worship on Wednesday, February 7, 2001 - 03:47 am:

    I love you Brendan! Be Gay! Be free!


By Pilate on Wednesday, February 7, 2001 - 06:11 am:

    It's been a weird night. Brendan's okay. He was very upset but he's better now. He understands now that he took the comment in a worse way than it was meant. However, that didn't make it hurt any less.

    I don't know where to start trying to explain this. Maybe I don't need to, but I'll try anyway. Brendan's approach to life is sometimes different than that of the average person. He sees things in a more simplistic way sometimes. There are Nice People and there are Mean People. He thought he had found some Nice People who would be tolerant of his flaws as a writer. He (and I) were wrong. Oh, well. That's life.

    Brendan's not some kind of spoiled brat who thinks everyone should cater to his every whim. Not at all. But he has also spent his entire life being called "retard" as if it were his middle name. Retard. Dummy. Stupid. He thought he'd found one place where people would cut him some slack about his writing and just listen to what he has to say.

    The comment may not have seemed harsh to an adult but it was hard for him to take. The grammatical skills of a nine year old? Please. This kid is trying his ass off. I guess people don't understand how hard it is for him to make these posts at all. He's an adolescent with a certain amount of dignity. He wants to feel fifteen. Not nine. He looks younger than he is and is often mistaken for being a younger kid. He's suspended halfway between adulthood and childhood and feeling more adult is kind of important to him right now.

    There's an essay that Brendan's been working terribly hard on for weeks. He went straight inside and tore the essay to shreds. He was shaking and having a hard time talking. His communication had reverted into wild gesturing and he was stammering and shaking. He finally managed to say that if people were just going to think he's stupid no matter how hard he tries, what's the fucking point? I have never seen him so depressed. Not petulant, not a kid throwing a pointless fit. Fucking humiliated. His friends called for him and Brendan begged me to tell them he was asleep. He didn't want to speak to anyone outside of the house. I watched my son go from being happy-go-lucky "Captain Benteen" (a very necessary alter ego) to being a very bewildered, angry and frightened kid with a learning disability and agoraphobia who suddenly wanted nothing to do with the outside world.

    It's not anybody's fault. But understand that it's certainly not Brendan's fault, either.

    He knows that tearing up the essay was the wrong answer. I could be a hardass and make him write the damn thing all over again. But I'm not. I don't have the heart for it. For right now, I just want him to be okay. If that means backing off of the lessons for a day or two, so be it.

    I just want him to understand that even though he's been taken out of the school system, there are still people who are going to be critical of his lack of finesse in writing. He seemed to think that the teasing would stop after school. Well, it didn't and it won't. I wish I could shield him from all that but I can't.

    Remember that Brendan also has difficulty reading. His comprehension is different than that of the average person. To him, the "creep out" thing was implying that HE is a creep (i.e. not a Nice Person) who should keep his mouth shut about being gay (i.e. Faggot) and who writes like somebody younger than himself (i.e. Retard). A triple insult. Maybe it wouldn't seem that way to you or me, but that's how it struck him.

    I don't know how to explain the whole thing. If Brendan's writing seems unusual, so do his comprehension skills and overall coping mechanisms. Sometimes Brendan is a complex kid. Other times he's not. He has an unusual way of seeing the world. He is a special kid. Read between the lines. He has a special way of seeing things sometimes. It's not his fault.

    He may come back and post. Then again, he may not. I don't know. We'll see what happens. Either way, he's had a lot of fun. He was feeling very proud of his writing here, which is part of the problem, I suppose. It's the most he's ever written. He felt as if he were communicating on an adult level at last.

    I'm trying to help him build up his emotional "immune system". People WILL cut him down from time to time and he has to learn to cope with that. Brendan responds to insults by internalizing. He almost never becomes upset with the person who cuts him down. He becomes upset with himself and goes into self-attack mode. If someone says something less than nice to him, it must be because he's dumb. I'm trying to teach him that if someone says something less than nice, then maybe they're just a fucking jerk. Or they're careless. Or he misunderstood. Or it's just a goofy comment on a public message board. Brendan is obsessed with having people like him, and God knows he's a very likeable kid. But not everyone will like him. Not everyone will accept him, regardless of how hard he tries. This is going to be a hard lesson for him. He'll learn it, though, just like he's learned everything else I've thrown at him. That's because he's a very smart kid, whether anyone else realizes it or not.


By Dougie on Wednesday, February 7, 2001 - 08:27 am:

    Damn, nice crew we get here sometimes. Brendan, there always have been and always will be jerks out there. It's a cliche, I know, but there's a good saying: "Don't let the bastards get you down." Also, remember not to take this place too seriously!

    Hope to see you posting back here soon.


By semillama on Wednesday, February 7, 2001 - 08:54 am:

    Yeah, Brendan. Just because some dumbass wants to hand you a pile of shit, doesn't mean you have to take it.

    Take hope in the fact that most of us here (at least the ones who count) like you and like what you have to say. I think it's pretty typical sentiments you have for your age, and whoever has aproblem with the fact that is same-gender, should go back under the rock he lurked under.

    I know it's hard for some people to think before you speak, but how dim do you have to be to type out something and post it without thinking about what it means? Especially if you have been lurking around a place like this for a while, and you still haven't caught on to the culture here. Makes you wonder if PDQ stands for "Post Dumbass, Quickly!"

    Sheesh. Fuck'em if they can't take a joke.


By Trace on Wednesday, February 7, 2001 - 09:05 am:

    Brendan, brush it off. The worst thing is them not talking to you at all


By Pug on Wednesday, February 7, 2001 - 09:53 am:

    PDQ, I'd be interested to know.....if the kid were SIMPLY openly gay, or SIMPLY had "the grammatical skills of a nine-year-old", would that not creep you out? Or is it just the cumulative effect of the two that gets you up and going?
    Jes' curious....


By J on Wednesday, February 7, 2001 - 12:02 pm:

    How sad to wake up and see this...,Brendan,I can't spell well and I hate to type or I'd post more,but it hasn't really bothered me much in the long run,and I'm old enough to be your mom.I also have a daughter who is learning disabled and I have seen how cruel people are and how it has affected her,it's heart breaking.Keep it up,we like you,just learn to like yourself,and learn to take care of yourself and not be dependent on anyone,Pilate,Crimson,and Pug are your life guides,appreciate it,but I'm sure you do.And you get your ass back here!!!


By Rhiannon on Wednesday, February 7, 2001 - 01:27 pm:

    Brendan, last week I called up my brother and read him over the phone what you wrote about the word Selah. We both thought that was really neat. You write in a very clear, guileless way that makes me imagine you're opening the windows to your heart and letting all the sunlight in. From what you write and what your dad has told us about you, you sound like a very sweet, delightful person whose heart is thoroughly good. Please come back and talk with us some more...we need you here.


By patrick on Wednesday, February 7, 2001 - 01:41 pm:

    I thought brendan were 13 or something. Shit 9?!! damn.

    Is it possible, he needs to just be a 9 year old? Im not saying stump his enlightenment, but perhaps he shouldnt be concerned with such large looming issues that are really more adult issues, such as sexuality, or being succeptable to being judged as an adult in a grammatical sense by strangers.

    Is a 9 year old really mature enough to wrangle with societal implications of sexuality? I dunno....

    Shit, when i was nine, i was still playing army, riding bikes, and grossing out girls.

    I dunno, he's your kid pilate, you know whats best.

    As everyone has said the core of us want the Cap around to wow us with his amazing abstraction and general "punk rock" mentality that we all wish we had but maybe we are expecting to much.


By Antigone on Wednesday, February 7, 2001 - 02:17 pm:

    patrick, dude, he's 15. Looks like YOU should work on your reading comprehension. :-P


By pez on Wednesday, February 7, 2001 - 02:21 pm:

    fuck that.

    brandon, writing isn't all about spelling and grammar...that's why we have computers to run spell and grammar check. they can be taught and learned. but does a person normally read a spelling or grammar book for personal interest? no.

    the imporant thing about writing is something that comes from within, the style, and that is something you've got in spades. it's beautiful writing that you don't often find anywhere.

    metaphorically, i'll say that writing is fruit. there's lots of apples, oranges, peaches, plums and loads of berries. your writing reminds me of watermelons and strawberries...and stawberries are only in season for six weeks of the year here in oregon.

    it's juicy and sweet, and these past couple of weeks i've begun to crave your writing as one craves those few sweet berries during the summer. please don't stop.

    cap'n, i'm going to send a letter stuck to the inside of the zine i'm sending to crimson. write back if you like. just keep writing, no matter who sees it because it's the only way you can improve on it. it's exactly like playing an instrument, you practice for years and years and you still have more to do better. and you know that old cliche, "practice makes perfect."


By patrick on Wednesday, February 7, 2001 - 02:30 pm:

    um antigone....maybe YOU need to work on YOUR comprehension skills chief

    pilate says:

    "The comment may not have seemed harsh to an adult but it was hard for him to take. The grammatical skills of a nine year old?"

    "He wants to feel fifteen. Not nine. He looks younger than he is and is often mistaken for being a younger kid. "


    in otherwords, i havent seen anyone correct PDQ on his age.



By Antigone on Wednesday, February 7, 2001 - 02:39 pm:

    By Pilate on Tuesday, February 6, 2001 - 02:31 pm:

    "As for Oswald Jr. wanting a lover, we all know that at 15, he's too damn young to be thinking about that sort of thing."


By Antigone on Wednesday, February 7, 2001 - 02:41 pm:

    :~P


By patrick on Wednesday, February 7, 2001 - 02:45 pm:

    FINE jizzmop!


By crimson on Wednesday, February 7, 2001 - 03:32 pm:

    it shouldn't be too confusing. brendan is 15. PDQ claimed that brendan had the grammatical skills of a 9-year-old. when pilate referred to that in his later post, he was talking about what an insult that was when aimed at a 15-year-old.


By patrick on Wednesday, February 7, 2001 - 03:41 pm:

    its not


By semillama on Wednesday, February 7, 2001 - 04:19 pm:

    I have the grammatical skills of a rhesus monkey that's had segments of James Joyce's DNA inserted into its genetic code! Yeah! I can type 1500 words a minute using the wrinkles on my nutsack! I am 290 feet tall and pick my teeth with cell phone towers! Yeeeeee-HAAAAAAAAAAAA!


    I'm soory, did I just say that? Well, shoot me!


By pez on Wednesday, February 7, 2001 - 04:42 pm:

    *bang!*

    i need to write that letter.


By Nate on Wednesday, February 7, 2001 - 05:58 pm:

    way to go, daniel.

    at least i use my own name when i'm being a jackass.


By dave. on Wednesday, February 7, 2001 - 08:12 pm:

    ssssssay it ain't sssssso!


By Cat on Wednesday, February 7, 2001 - 08:32 pm:

    Noooo, PDQ could not possibly be Daniel. I'd put my virtue on it, if I can scrape any together.


By Pug on Wednesday, February 7, 2001 - 09:23 pm:

    Trying to remember that old Groucho line---"I'm fighting to defend your virtue! Which is more than you ever did!"


By Nate on Thursday, February 8, 2001 - 12:58 pm:

    well, it's either danny boy or PDQ is working from daniel's computer.

    i don't see daniel defending himself.


By Antigone on Thursday, February 8, 2001 - 02:45 pm:

    I went back and checked the IPs Daniel has been posting from for the past 10 days and compared them to the two PDQ posted from. PDQ's posts are from the same two netblocks Daniel posts from most frequently. However, since those netblocks are used by the largest ISP on the planet, I'm not completely convinced that Daniel and PDQ are the same person. I haven't checked the netblocks other posters use from the same ISP to see if they follow the same pattern, nor do I know how the ISP doles out IP addresses. However, based on the current evidence, I'm about 70% sure that Daniel and PDQ are the same person.

    Not that my opinion matters dick....


By semillama on Thursday, February 8, 2001 - 03:13 pm:

    It seems pretty out of character though.


By crimson on Thursday, February 8, 2001 - 03:17 pm:

    truthfully, it probably doesn't really matter who made the PDQ posts by this point. the damage is done, regardless of the perpetrator.


By Nate on Thursday, February 8, 2001 - 03:39 pm:

    this is america. you give me a hangnail, i chop off your hand.

    and shush, antigone. that doesn't help the draconian police efforts.

    we need someone to blackball! send out the goat!


By Antigone on Thursday, February 8, 2001 - 03:49 pm:

    Who can say what "out of character" is for any of us, sem?


By pez on Thursday, February 8, 2001 - 04:04 pm:

    maaaaaaaa!!!

    welcome to america, land of the free-
    dom of the overly hypocritical society.
    overthrow the rules to make our own
    and liberalist ideas we all condone.

    welcome to america, land of the made,
    manufacturers in taiwan rule every trade.
    when someone trys to be successful by hand
    people cry it's a waste of land.

    welcome to america, land of statistics,
    where millimeters on paper make everyone go ballistic.
    tallys on the public, keep counts on your misfourtunes,
    take rivals to court and your lawyers make a fortune.

    welcome to america, land of the lies,
    kill the pigs like "lord of the flies".
    try to stop and exclaim your ideals,
    criminals will kill you and get out on appeals.

    welcome to america, land of the dammned,
    disguised to immigrants as a holy land.
    mine every mountain, chop every tree,
    "fuck you, america!" from sea to oily sea.

    fine kettle of fish we have here. i think i'll live in a commune.


By Cat on Thursday, February 8, 2001 - 04:19 pm:

    Well tie me kangaroo down, sport.

    But I still refuse to believe Daniel would be such a bloody moron as to hit out at a vulnerable 15 year old kid.


By Dougie on Thursday, February 8, 2001 - 05:05 pm:

    Aren't there 2 Daniels: a regular "Daniel" and a "Daniel sssssssssssssss"?


By Pug on Thursday, February 8, 2001 - 06:57 pm:

    Pez----fuck the commune---hold out for the Minor Threat reunion----off Ian MacKaye and offer to replace him....
    Or hold out for a REALLY GOOD commune...TBA
    Quoting the Stones: "These days it's all secrecy and no privacy. Goodnight. Sleep tight."


By Pilate on Thursday, February 8, 2001 - 09:10 pm:

    Captain Benteen sends his regards. He's okay. He's not freaked out anymore, at least not too much. Still a bit shy of writing but he'll get over it.

    Remember what he said above about wanting a blond boy with blue eyes?

    Fuck me if he didn't come home with one.

    Brendan's buddies knew he was a bit down so they took him to the mall. They found some kid there sitting alone in the food court wearing a huge button on his black trenchcoat proclaiming "It Takes Balls To Be A Fairy". I'm surprised the kid didn't get the shit beaten out of him. They talked to the boy, decided he was cool and brought him home. To MY home, that is.

    Brendan's all goofy about it. This new kid is definitely a cutie, all blond fluffy punk hair and big blue eyes. Nice fingernail polish. From the way he was dressed I think his folks might have some money on them. The boy can also apparently play some keyboards and Brendan's praying that he's just met a new member of Captain Benteen, the band.

    It's weird, watching Brendan's heart go all pitter patter over someone he's known less than 24 hours. I hope he doesn't get hurt or anything.

    Brendan has never expressed much REAL interest in dating or seeing anyone. He jokes about it a lot but that's as far as it goes. But I think this boy is tripping his triggers on several levels. I hope they become friends (and STAY just friends). I may have to have the old father-and-son chat with Brendan soon. Not that he doesn't know what's going on. He just needs some responsible information now that the hormones have been reactivated. Like I said, Brendan sees the world in a slightly different way than the average person. He could easily be taken for a ride or fucked with, which is the last thing I want to happen.


By Daniel ssss on Friday, February 9, 2001 - 12:07 am:

    Hey this is Daniel ssss, and though I've been reading this and the other posts, I certainly did not post as PDQ. Sorry, Nate, but it's not me. And thank you others for coming to my aid. Seems aol has been holding me hostage, keeping me very much off the boards and barely letting me get email; and my laptop and I have been at the office and in the car preparing for an audit by the state men.

    Nope wasn't me, and I will encourage Brendan to return, though it is a public forum, and though there's a share of ruthlessness here. As a teacher of writing for many years, I would not criticize at all.

    Keeps me coming back. But again, PDQ isn't me. Geex, Cat, your Virtue?


By crimson on Friday, February 9, 2001 - 04:44 am:

    sitting here w/ pilate enjoying the creepy weather outside. we're under a tornado watch. i was awakened by some unidentified object smashing into my bedroom window. we've got really high winds. tree branches are breaking. now we've just been placed under a severe thunderstorm warning as well. it's looking pretty sinister out there.


By Oswald Jr. on Friday, February 9, 2001 - 05:05 am:

    I am here and I am not mad at noone at all. Its cool and I like evaryone here. but, I will be not be around so much on acount of I need to spend more time at home studying the school work. There is bad wether tonite and it makes me terrible afraid I am SO scaret of storms! Ive' met a cute boy named Dorian he is a hotty and seams nice to talk to he is rich and has a hot ass what more coud a man ask for in life. Praise BOB I am findin the meaning of living heres a new vocabulary word, HEDONIST.


By Dougie on Friday, February 9, 2001 - 10:43 am:

    Hi Oswald, good to see you back. I personally like stormy weather. I know tornado watches are no fun because I'm originally from the midwest, so I know about those, but I do love to watch it when it's coming down cats and dogs outside and I'm home safe in my house. I also like sleeping when it's raining out, hearing the rain on the roof and windows. Then, the next day when everything's cleared up, it's always bright and beautiful outside, and the world has a new, clean smell to it for a while.


By patrick on Friday, February 9, 2001 - 12:27 pm:

    yeah its been cold monkey ass here (you know the red swollen kind)...we are heading up the mountains sunday..with the cold and rain, there is sure to be snow, lots of it they say. I may need to bust out the chains.........wait..........i don't have chains.

    Chug little honda chug!!!!!!! (insert random Johnny Cash tune)

    Im a little nervous, some of thoseu roads to big bear are hairy as a "Bear" convention in San Fran.

    Oh man, though, once we are there, its rancho relaxo!!!!


    I think maybe I'll get some shrooms today.


By Oswald Jr. on Friday, February 9, 2001 - 05:25 pm:

    Shrooms is somthing I've never tryed. Daddy just said if I do he will braeke my knee caps. I have freinds coming over tonite Violet and Keota and Dorian too. I do not have any guy buddys at all and have'nt for years so I hope Dorian becoms my friend for real. I do not like most guys they are mean. Girls are better for hangin out with but I dont want to date them. I want to find one good sweet boy and stay with him for ever i don't want to date half the world I just need some one to be true to me. I can find somone now whial I am young and, stay with him til i die. We will all be togeather my friends and boyfriend and Parants. Live in a big house where noone will be mean to us ever again. a big pink house with a dog and acid and stuf. Selah!


By patrick on Friday, February 9, 2001 - 05:43 pm:

    do what your pop says.....its for the best.


By Oswald Jr. on Friday, February 9, 2001 - 06:31 pm:

    I will. I am only joking about the drugs of couarse, I realy do try very hard to be good. I am going home soon to get ready for compnay. I got into some of Daddy Traces' after shave so I smell real good. Now I just got to be geting close enough to Dorian so that he picks up the sent and fall in love with me tonite! Fat chance. but hope is the great comfert of suckers every where. Oh the humanity.


By Pug on Saturday, February 10, 2001 - 08:47 am:

    Yeah, watch it with the drugs, kid....you don't want to end up being a headcase like yer Uncle Puggers.


By pez on Saturday, February 10, 2001 - 02:03 pm:

    i was on drugs for four years, from second to sixth grade i was on ritalin. it's supposed to have more effect on a persons personality than cocaine.

    my parents wanted to have me put back on it last year even though i said no and i had a book all about it that i showed them. then the psychiatrist i was going to said i was right not to take it. yea!

    i'm glad that i don't need drugs to survive in the world. if there's anything i don't need, it's chemical dependance. just the odd asprin once in a while.

    good luck with the dorian duck. i've found that ducks are the best ex-boyfriends...maybe because they don't fuck with your head like straight guys do.


By Platypus on Saturday, February 10, 2001 - 02:19 pm:

    We've had really bad weather up here too, the power has been out a lot. The cats are all terrified of the storm.

    Good luck with Dorian, he sounds like a cool kid.

    I keep having to remember that there are two Traces and one is really Pilate. Too confusing for me.

    quack


By Platypus on Saturday, February 10, 2001 - 02:23 pm:

    Oh, and poor boys go to college just the same as the the rich ones do, if they have a mind to.


By crimson on Saturday, February 10, 2001 - 09:03 pm:

    just got back from oklahoma. took brendan & pug & the whole crew. hit the flea markets & all that good stuff.

    i've got a two-ton screaming headache. i'm going to lie down in the dark & try to forget that my head's about to explode.

    about the two "traces": there's one trace who posts here. the other trace, pilate's lover, has never posted here.

    one of my rodents has escaped. i have a rat running loose in the house. at the moment, she's underneath the sofa. we're trying to coax her out w/ her favorite food (cheese-nips).


By dave. on Saturday, February 10, 2001 - 09:20 pm:

    crimson, what are some of the benefits to living where you do? i'd think a person like you seem to be would move to a more artsy/bohemian place. is it like that there?


By crimson on Saturday, February 10, 2001 - 10:57 pm:

    there are artsy & bohemian people here in arkansas. definitely. however, they're not here in really large concentrations. the area i live in (the ozarks) is probably the artsiest area in the state, even more so than LR (little rock).

    to tell you the truth, i'm beginning to regret not having followed my gut instincts in my youth & left the state. i mean, i DID leave, many times, but keep coming back. i think that if i'd have moved permanently to one coast or the other, i would've been able to find more co-conspirators. now i can't fucking AFFORD to move.

    i am also, for the largest part, a recluse. it doesn't really matter where i live, because i'll keep on doing my reclusive thing regardless. i can go for months w/o stepping outside the front door. the paradox of this is that i'm also a bonafide maniac who will do damn near anything onstage. when i'm performing, i turn into a whole different person. i feed on people & their reactions to me. otherwise, i REALLY don't like being around people.

    in arkansas, i always seem to fit in. i can fake it w/ the locals long enough to convince them i'm human. then i shut the door, throw the locks, & stay hidden. in other states, i didn't seem to fit in, to the point that it becomes ridiculous. i mean, i can do my little bullshit act for a while, but when i truly reveal myself, it doesn't work out. in AR, as weird as it sounds, i've got a chance of eventually hooking up w/ a like-minded lunatic.


By Pug on Saturday, February 10, 2001 - 11:30 pm:

    I spent most of my life living around the Boston area. I've spent the last 4 and a half years in Arkansas and I love it here. Not only is it more conducive to good health, but this is a really happening little burg that has given me a lot of opportunities, like getting into film & video----something I otherwise might not have gotten into if I wasn't here and didn't just happen to fall in with the right people. Some aspects of the art scene here are pretty annoying and pretentious----but that's the case anywhere you go. I've dealt with the poetry scenes in & around the Boston area and a lot of it is crap....I've done terroristic performance art in NYC and it was a lot of fun, but I've also slammed at the Nuyorican and that's MAJOR bullshit. I helped to organize a major conference in Chicago and it burnt to a flaming pile of ego-driven shit within two years. You run into bullshit everywhere. Home is a state of mind.
    Maybe the most important thing is that my crew here in Arkansas are my soulmates and they're the coolest people I've ever met & played with. We don't need nothin' else!


By crimson on Saturday, February 10, 2001 - 11:40 pm:

    another thing i like about this state is that you can actually find down-to-earth people here. other places, it can get weird.

    for instance, i don't keep house well. i live in a crappy little place, nothing expensive or fancy. but when people come to see me, i'm happy to give them what little bit i've got. i'll cook for them, let 'em crash on the couch, give them clothes right out of my closet, whatever. i want them to put their feet up on the table, take a deep breath & RELAX. i want them to be well-fed, taken care of, comfortable & happy.

    well, i used to live close to the east coast for a couple of years. man, it was spooky. i was so poor at the time that i didn't have a single piece of furniture. no bed, no table, nothing at all. SO?? i mean, christ, there are poor people all over. ain't nothing new in the world. but these people freaked the fuck out over the fact that i didn't have furniture in my house. you'd think they would've just shrugged it off, sat down on the floor & started having a conversation w/ me like a normal human being. wrong. they kept on & on about how poor i was. how bizarre. i fed these people, offered them anything they wanted & they just kept going on about my lack of material goods, as if that makes a fuck.

    i live in chaos. i can groove on chaos. i like sharing my chaos...but ONLY w/ people who are laid back enough to understand it. people are often uncomfortable around me & i can smell it a mile away. it makes me sad. i want to take them in but they make it impossible. anyway, the few people i've managed to draw into my inner circle are from (or now live in) arkansas. weird, eh?

    maybe it's because they actually understand what the fuck friendship is for. i dunno. i know that i find the (general) lack of pretense here kinda refreshing.


By Pilate on Sunday, February 11, 2001 - 12:10 am:

    The lack of pretense. Yeah. Big cities are nice places to go for one night stands but I wouldn't want to live there.

    I've dated urban guys. If I hear one more anorexic gay guy with a coarse New York accent blathering on about his portfolio, I'll have to go on a killing rampage. I've mostly found such men to be useless twits.

    I've got a nice Southern boy. He's equally at home in an art gallery or at a goat roast. He's 100 percent FOR REAL. My kid is also a prime example of the kind of down to earth behavior (mixed with heart-melting sweetness) that seems to be a Southern specialty.


By dave. on Sunday, February 11, 2001 - 12:32 am:

    i had a good friend from kentucky. he was in several bands: the bosch society, rabby feeber. . .

    he said it don't get much better than lexington. he also said lexington sucks.

    my brother loves being from tacoma. i wouldn't want to even be buried there.

    i like where i'm at. if cuba ever falls, i'd move there in a heart beat.

    fuck. the word retirement scares the hell out of me. i think i fucked up big time.

    i'm drunk.


By Sorabji 1993 on Sunday, February 11, 2001 - 01:13 am:

    go fuck yourself.

    knowing that you lied straight faced while i cried.



    As I pass through my incarnations in every age and race,
    I make my proper prostrations to the Gods of the Market-Place.
    Peering through reverent fingers I watch them flourish and fall,
    And the Gods of the Copybook Headings, I notice, outlast them all.

    We were living in trees when they met us. They showed us each in turn.
    That Water would certainly wet us, as Fire would certainly burn:
    But we found them lacking in Uplift, Vision and Breadth of Mind,
    So we left them to teach the Gorillas while we followed the March of Mankind.

    We moved as the Spirit listed. They never altered their pace,
    Being neither cloud nor wind-borne like the Gods of the Market-Place;
    But they always caught up with our progress, and presently word would come
    That a tribe had been wiped off its icefield, or the lights had gone out in Rome.

    With the Hopes that our World is built on they were utterly out of touch.
    They denied that the Moon was Stilton; they denied she was even Dutch.
    They denied that Wishes were Horses; they denied that a Pig had Wings.
    So we worshipped the Gods of the Market Who promised these beautiful things.

    When the Cambrian measures were forming, They promised perpetual peace.
    They swore, if we gave them our weapons, that the wars of the tribes would cease.
    But when we disarmed They sold us and delivered us bound to our foe,
    And the Gods of the Copybook Headings said: "Stick to the Devil you know."

    On the first Feminian Sandstones we were promised the Fuller Life
    (Which started by loving our neighbour and ended by loving his wife)
    Till our women had no more children and the men lost reason and faith,
    And the Gods of the Copybook Heading said: "The Wages of Sin is Death."

    In the Carboniferous Epoch we were promised abundance for all,
    By robbing selected Peter to pay for collective Paul;
    But, though we had plenty of money, there was nothing our money could buy,
    And the Gods of the Copybook Heading said: "If you don't work you die."

    Then the Gods of the Market tumbled, and their smooth-tongued wizards withdrew,
    And the hearts of the meanest were humbled and began to believe it was true
    That All is not God that Glitters, and Two and Two make Four-
    And the Gods of the Copybook Headings limped up to explain it once more.
    There are only four things certain since Social Progress began:-
    That the Dog returns to his Vomit and the Sow returns to her Mire,

    And the burnt Fool's bandaged finger goes wabbling back to the Fire;
    And that after this is accomplished, and the brave new world begins

    When all men are paid for existing and no man must pay for his sins,
    As surely as Water will wet us, as surely as Fire will burn,
    The Gods of the Copybook Headings with terror and slaughter return!


By dave. on Sunday, February 11, 2001 - 02:28 am:

    dork.


By Hal on Sunday, February 11, 2001 - 03:29 am:

    We love you man...


By Pug on Sunday, February 11, 2001 - 03:24 pm:

    (Cueing up "Also Sprach Zarathustra")


By Oswald Jr. on Sunday, February 11, 2001 - 04:54 pm:

    Saw my little bro. Nicky for a while he was sad but beter now. Got scayred and cried. He will be adopted soon his new parants are nice but another boy acted up at there house and Nickys new Daddy whipt the boy. Not realy not like leaving marks just made him feel real fear and Nicky got afrayd that it will hapen to him to. The boy had to get hit cause he was hurten animals he would not stop he is a head case and nearly killed a dog. He strangel the dog and they whack him a few times tole him not to do that any more and then gave him hugs but Nicky freeked out he run off and callt me on the pay phone saying come and see me please and I go. and he crys on my sholder. He does not want to get adopted just to get hit and I point out hes never got hit there. He has never put a dog in the vets office neather. The folks did what they had to do but Nicky does not see that it wont happen to him he is very afrad now and his new Mamma and Daddy hug him lots and give him candy and hold him but Nicky is stil in fear! I give him a toy and bring him a new phone for his room and say call me when ever day or nite. His new family is so nice but they do not under stand how much Nickys' been hurt and I tell them he been fucked burnt cut and beat they are sad, for all the meaness that happened to him and me.


By semillama on Sunday, February 11, 2001 - 05:52 pm:

    This is meant neither as positive or negative, but I have to throw it out and see: Oswald Jr., when I read your stuff, I see l'il Bongo from Life in Hell, Matt Groening's old strip. It's in how you write and come across.

    I drove home in a n icestorm/blizzard on thursday. I stayed two days, hung out with Mavis and m parents and left again. I couldn't remember my buddy Kiko's number, which was a disappointment. I'm going back up again next weekend to see Ladysmith Black Mambazo, and get the rest of my stuff that I want to keep with me. I don't think I will be back for many months, which is sad, because that place is near and dear to me. It makes me understand why people will fight to stay in a place.


By pez on Monday, February 12, 2001 - 02:39 am:

    i don't care how poor a person is, as long as they're CLEAN.

    working in retail, esp. in a variety/dept. store like freddy's, has let a major pet peeve surface: i don't care how poor you are, i don't care why you're coming in here, but please just wash your hands. if you're touching my shoes and want my help, please be clean.

    i've found that some of the meanest people are also the dirtiest. i'll wash my hands several times a day--i need to keep clean.

    the day i'm screwed, folks, is the day i can't afford soap and water.

    * * *

    i've lived in oregon all my life, in fact, i only live 20 miles from the hospital where i was born. i try to be high and mighty artsy fartsy slinkster cool, but in reality i'm scared of so much shit it isn't funny. i used to think that i thrived on fear...but it didn't help a bit. i don't know.

    why did i say this, anyway?


By Oswald Jr. on Monday, February 12, 2001 - 03:44 am:

    I am poor but clean. When I lived out side in the allay I coud not be so clean tho and people were very mean and it was nothing I could help. Id get to wheare I looked like Hell and when I got older my face hair growed out just enough to make me realy look like shit. there was no place to take a bath but the creek and Id' do it any way it was so cold it hurt, I would go into stores to get warm and get run off because I look like a criminle I stole soap befoare and, wash my hair in public rest rooms but they will throw you out if you they catch you at it. I am at Crimsons place and hopen she will cook me some thing good yes indeed that is a hint. She is reading me poetray and I like it a lot she read the words like they are almost alive.


By pez on Monday, February 12, 2001 - 04:20 pm:

    one thing about poetry readings that i hate is that most poets take great care to explain the poetry itself but the words sound dead. poetry is meant to be alive, thrumming with the life and spirit.

    i think poetry would make a very nice stew. i like it thick, so i can dip my spoon in and slurp it up. tomatoes and carrots and potatoes and celery and a hint of corn and beans. nice good hot stew making my stomach happy.

    i need to go downtown and see if the energy bar is still across the street from the central library. they have a vegan stew to die for.


By TBone on Monday, February 12, 2001 - 05:25 pm:

    Bah. I never (well, rarely) wash my hands.

    Am I dirty? I don't think so. I don't leave grease marks on things I touch or anything. My hands don't stink.

    I also don't need hand lotion. Every female I know in Montana and a great many men use lotion daily. We do have exceedingly dry air, but scrubbing down with soap every couple of hours is hard on the skin.

    What are you getting on your hands that you need to wash them several times a day? I suppose if you have to touch people's feet or something, it makes sense.

    I took a really rockin' poetry class a while back. Some of the students in there did some incredible things with words, sound, imagery, and story telling... Others wrote poetry like they were reading Poetry for Dummies or following a recipe. There were a couple people who occasionally did some things with words that would have been really cool if they hadn't put so much energy into making sure everyone saw what they were doing. Subtlety can be very important.
    My favorite poems are ones that are still enjoyable if you completely ignore what they're saying. My humble opinion is that poetry should make the ear happy.

    It's something I wish I was better at.


By Pug on Monday, February 12, 2001 - 05:42 pm:

    Bukowski talked a lot about that, I think....he referred to it as the concept of "Ease"---not necessarily that the poetry should be easy to write----but that it should LOOK that easy.
    I try to live by that credo----I don't always succeed.....


By agatha on Monday, February 12, 2001 - 05:50 pm:

    i'm going to make an assumption right now and say that pez probably washes her hands after she goes to the bathroom. most people go to the bathroom every couple of hours. i wash my hands every time i use the bathroom, speaking for myself.


By TBone on Monday, February 12, 2001 - 05:54 pm:

    I don't think an uncomplicated trip to the bathroom necessitates handwashing.

    As long as I didn't get any on me, I'm good to go.

    It hasn't caused any illness or infection that I know of.

    But my girlfriend does regularly shake her finger at me...


By TBone on Monday, February 12, 2001 - 05:56 pm:

    Did that sound snappy and defensive?

    I'm such a crackhead. Sheesh... I'll do anything to avoid work.


By Antigone on Monday, February 12, 2001 - 05:59 pm:

    I don't care how clean a person is, as long as they're RICH.


By Dougie on Monday, February 12, 2001 - 06:19 pm:

    2 guys are pissing together at a urinal. One walks out, the other washes his hands and then walks out. The guy who washed his hands says very patronizingly to the guy who didn't, "At Hahvard, they taught us to wash our hands after using the restroom." The other guy says back to him, "That's funny, at Yale, they taught us not to piss on our hands."


By Oswald Jr. on Monday, February 12, 2001 - 06:27 pm:

    I have had a challenge to write 3 sentences here without error today. So I will tell you 3 things and it will take me for ever but if I get it right I will get to go out for dinner. 1 My brother is doing better, but his dog has died. 2 I am very clean today and smell like almond soap. 3 My friend Dorian called me and I am really happy to hear from him. OK how did I do? 4 I am still the archbishop of funk and the Grand Poobah of hormones. Yes sireeeee!


By crimson on Monday, February 12, 2001 - 06:55 pm:

    my congratulations to the archbishop. looks like someone's going out for dinner. good job!

    never mind the coordinating conjunctions for now.

    we timed brendan on this exercise. he clocked in at just over 24 minutes to compose the above sentences, a major improvement on a previous at-home score of 40+ minutes to accomplish the same task (& the earlier sentences still had major errors).

    i'm proud of you, cap'n!

    by the way, i'm really sorry to hear about nicky's dog.


By Antigone on Tuesday, February 13, 2001 - 01:28 am:

    Damn, son. That was clear as a bell. Good work!


By pez on Tuesday, February 13, 2001 - 02:25 am:

    yay! high five, cap'n!

    i wash my hands every time i go to the bathroom, before and after putting in and taking out my contacts, and before i eat. sometimes i wash my hands before i play flute. and always before i work.

    sometimes i really don't mind people being a little dirty. it's just that some of the dirtiest people in the store are the nastiest. i don't mind if you've got oil under your fingernails or something like that, but some people smell really bad and then they go get something to eat and without washing their hands eat it right there, dropping bits of food on the floor. nasty!


By semillama on Tuesday, February 13, 2001 - 10:04 am:

    The dirtiest people I have ever seen were the "Sand People" when I worked at McDonald's in high school. They looked like those trolls people carve out of dried apples. After they left, I was sweeping the dining room and the floor under their table was totally covered with sand.

    Good job there, Brendan. 7 sentences for the price of 3. You should demand an extra dinner.


By J on Tuesday, February 13, 2001 - 10:10 am:

    I wonder why dogs eat cat poop.


By Czarina on Tuesday, February 13, 2001 - 10:17 am:

    I think because it looks like Almond Rocha.


By Oswald Jr. on Tuesday, February 13, 2001 - 10:48 am:

    I did good with those sentences. I am real glad. But it take WAY too long to do it and I cannot alwyas be so careful and it makes the comp. shut off when I take too long. But I keep tryen to be better at it, it will take time and I know it. I will do more good sentences later. Dinner was so cool cause I went with Dorian he callt beofore I head out the door and Daddy Trace say he can go with us. His folks ask to meet my folks so we go over their and it is a rich house like you cant beleve. Dorians folks know he is queer and they know i'm queer too and theyre not against it which is supercool. They are big in the eposcopal Church. And Dorian has a sister whod be hot if I dig girls. I fealt close to Doraian and both my Daddys I hug each Daddy right there while we ate and said i love you and Dorian goofed on it and we hug and act a fool about it. we got the waitras to give us kiddy baloons which we tie to our rists and take all over town. Mine was blue and also magic it give me the power to be hopeless sexy but now if I ever want to get layed I will have to get an other blue baloon.


By TBone on Tuesday, February 13, 2001 - 10:56 am:

    You rock it up, Oswald.

    I wish I could write as well as you can. You've got so much in you worth writing out.

    I'm happy for you.


By Antigone on Tuesday, February 13, 2001 - 11:24 am:

    Dogs eat cat poop because it tastes good.

    It's also rich in vitamin B12.

    But dogs don't care about that.


By pez on Tuesday, February 13, 2001 - 11:42 am:

    you'd be a good author/poet, oswald. maybe oral storytelling. have you tried it?


By Czarina on Tuesday, February 13, 2001 - 12:19 pm:

    Antigone,you sound very sure of this.Is there something you haven't told us about yourself?


By crimson on Tuesday, February 13, 2001 - 12:34 pm:

    i can tell you that the kid's a really good oral storyteller. he's funny as hell & has a heightened sense of the absurd. he can also be incredibly dark sometimes. he has a definite noir sensibility which is kind of haunting when mixed w/ his weirdly innocent way of approaching life. i'm trying to explain dadaism & surrealism to him because i think he'd do quite nicely in either category. he's just now beginning to play around with poetry. he hasn't really finished a poem but i'm teaching him about freewriting (one of a million preparatory techiques for writing poetry). it's a stream-of-consciousness sort of thing. we're working on writing to music right now, a fave word-generating technique of mine, & also doing spoken word into a tape recorder (it's far easier on him than writing on paper). i'm trying to get pilate to write poetry, too. brendan has a ton of good stories locked inside him. we just have to help him get them out to the world. actually, i think he'd be an excellent diarist. his day-to-day thoughts are more interesting than most people's fictional creations.


By Platypus on Tuesday, February 13, 2001 - 02:17 pm:

    He and J, man...the only reason to read any of this. Their day to day thoughts are definently better than any fiction I can think of.
    Excellent sentances...so what did you have for dinner? (Other than blue balloons, which one can't really eat...although I'll have to keep the hopeless sexy powers in mind.)
    That and mentions of vegan stew. Dogs eat cat poop because it's kitty roca. Much better than almond roca in some circles, apparently.


By pez on Tuesday, February 13, 2001 - 03:33 pm:

    it's amazing how anything can have a story hidden inside. music, drawings, fabric even.

    one of the best things that i've done was to attach poems to objects. i wrote around fifteen poems and i glued them to plastic eggs, milk cartons, old photos and in the pages of a magazine. combining words with objects/kinetic sculpture is the most amazing feeling.

    i wrote a paper (not an essay, a paper) this morning that was basically a parody of "i think i'm paranoid". "i think i'm a primate". it's interesting, to say the least.

    did you get the zine yet? i'm tired of wondering if you got it.


By TBone on Tuesday, February 13, 2001 - 03:56 pm:

    I got mine yesterday but it wasn't given to me until this morning.

    I like very much. I haven't had any free time to read more than the first few pages, but I like so far.


By pez on Tuesday, February 13, 2001 - 06:20 pm:

    yay!

    let me know what you think of it.


By Oswald Jr. on Wednesday, February 14, 2001 - 03:14 pm:

    It is a dark lazey day here very rainy and quiet. It is good wether to sleap in good and dark but not toarnados or storms I wish I had some one here to lay with and to cuddel. I like getin held on days like this one. I like to be held on any old day realy. If I ever do get a boy freind i will snugle him half to death. My bro. Nicky calld me and he is doing okay I am glad. I am tryen to be a good big bro. My own big bro. cut me with a knife he is a perv he rapes people some times and for that, he got send to jale, it is hard for him to stop rapen people they say he is serial. He is so scaery and mean just like my Uncle. I have a sort of crappy family. Until now. Oh shit its hailing. gotta go.


By Pug on Wednesday, February 14, 2001 - 03:23 pm:

    Still no zinesign here on our front.....a friend just sent me a shitstorm of music, tho----mostly CDs he burned.....Miles Davis, Jaco Pastorius, Coltrane, Weather Report----all kindsa kickass jazz shit.....I've been needing to beef up my Miles collection, BAD.


By crimson on Wednesday, February 14, 2001 - 03:27 pm:

    that was kinda weird. we got about 30 seconds worth of driving hail. then it suddenly quit & went back to the usual cold pissing rain. i'm glad it didn't hail much. it's murder on the ducks outside when it does.


By Pug on Wednesday, February 14, 2001 - 03:37 pm:

    And our friend, Mephisto, the Goose.


By pez on Wednesday, February 14, 2001 - 04:36 pm:

    i had this nice long post, just finished writing it, and then the computer was bad. usually the library computers are better than that.

    well, tbone's got his, so your should arrive anyday now


By Rhiannon on Wednesday, February 14, 2001 - 05:04 pm:

    Hey, could I have a zine? Email me and I'll send you my address and such.


By Platypus on Wednesday, February 14, 2001 - 05:31 pm:

    Me! Me!


By pez on Thursday, February 15, 2001 - 02:42 am:

    i'll email you in a moment. or maybe two.


By patrick on Thursday, February 15, 2001 - 12:32 pm:

    up at big bear, we had 4ft of snow in 4 days! FOUR FEET!!!! Ok, sem, and you other northern folk can spare me the extreme stories, Im sure you've seen more in a half hour, but I think I saw more snow in 4 days, than I ever have in my life, collectively. People's roofs were collapsing, 7ft snow drifts. Jesuseagechrist we wanted to get away to the mountains, we got IT! I tell you though, descending from nearly 8k feet to 3k with a 1ft icepack/snow/slush/dirt/oil/frozenpavement pizza and 1000 ft drops a mere 3ft off the highway will make you appreciate the relaxing effect of hashish a lot more....


By crimson on Friday, February 16, 2001 - 04:22 pm:

    pez, the zine has landed! just got it. i'm busy as hell today & haven't had a chance to check it out, but it's here. it looks cool, too.

    i'm all happy 'cause in about a week, pug, pilate & the whole crew (including yours truly) will be going down to the gulf coast for mardi gras. can't wait.


By pez on Friday, February 16, 2001 - 06:47 pm:

    yea! word is that daniel sss has his, tbone's recieved his, and i'm readying another batch to send/hand out.

    please tell me what you think! i love feedback.


By Danielssss Goat on Saturday, February 17, 2001 - 11:01 am:

    feedbackfeeedbackdeeffbaackfeddbackfeedbackfeedddbbbaaaccckkkfeedddddddbaaaaa


By Oswald Jr. on Saturday, February 17, 2001 - 01:09 pm:

    Your zine looks real cool Pez! Thank you for the leter I cant' read it all the way because the words are too hard but I will have Crimson read it to me you know I can not read all the posts hear and some times have to get them read to me. So much of the time it is like that. I got kist last nite I am so happy! On the cheak I got a kiss from Dorian and it make me so terible excited. It was not anything dirty it was good and sweet. A soft kiss it made me feal hot all over but not in a filhty way tho I did have a kind of re action inside me. I had to sit my Daddy down and talk to him because he is getin nervis. I do not want him to be afrait I want him to be relax and happy.


By pez on Saturday, February 17, 2001 - 01:55 pm:

    thanky thanky.

    i'm in contact with marconi and gustav (another dj) and i'm already working on the second issue and might get an internship with the station!

    the letter is...awful to say the least. i'm not in the habit of writing lots of letters, i get off topic fast. that's why i'm doing the zine, so i can get my writing to the point that it's understandable.

    good luck w/dorian, brendan. maybe you borrowed my boy luck....you're welcome to it at the moment.


By Oswald Jr. on Tuesday, February 20, 2001 - 12:50 pm:

    I got to hold hands last nite while watchen TV. It was sweet and very romantec. Nothing dirty. I dont want it to be like that right now. Dorian took my hand with my parants siting right there, they did not tell us to stop holding hands so, we keept on. I like how it was sweet and not bad and it was right in front of my folks where every one could see. The room was a bit dark tho. Dorian is oldar than me just a little. My folks like him and his folks like me. I hope it turns into some thing real but not some thing real scarey. I am going down to Mardi Gras I wish Dorian coud come but he cannot. Anyway I have to be cool to my other friends so they dont' get jealis of the time I spend with Dorian i have to balence my time with every one so folks dont feel left out..


By Oswald Jr. on Tuesday, February 20, 2001 - 08:24 pm:

    I hope its not a bad sign that I can get so excite over holding hands and kissing and crap like that. Like I hope I'm not totaly lame. Not every thing has to be about sex tho it feels that way to me a lot. A soft touch can be so good and it's hot. It's not like I have'nt got LIBIDO (a vocabulary word for you) in fact I have so much that I wondar if I am normal. A soft touch or the right look can make me crawl out of my fucking skin. Most folks do not crawl out of there skin unless there is DIRECT ORAL-GENITAL CONTACT (thanx Crimson that was in a book she had set out on the freaken coffe table) only Auntie Crimson woud read that kind of trash in front of inosent kiddies, right. ha. She has no shame. Anyway I hope I am not turning into a lame ass its too early in my carear for that. I got a boner from holding hands should I just shoot myself now or what. I keep mixing up my sex and non sex stuff horny when I shold not be and not ready when it come around. I am a tragic case my fellow Americans. you may all weep on the count of twenty three.


By heather on Wednesday, February 21, 2001 - 12:32 am:

    other people feel that way too, or at least they
    wish they did- it must be worse not to.


By pez on Wednesday, February 21, 2001 - 12:51 am:

    holding hands and shy kisses on the cheek are the nicest. they're innocent and sweet but a bit suggestive.

    the moment i hate in a relationship is when the guy has you where he wants you and changes. he doesn't want to listen or hold hands or play games. he gets a cold predatory look in his eyes like a machine and has to push you further further further. so it's no longer two people in like in love but a free whore in a car.

    may dorian never be like that.


By Oswald Jr. on Wednesday, February 21, 2001 - 09:47 am:

    I do not think he is like that I think he wants things to stay nice and easy not ugly or mean. He has nevar hung out with an other queer kid before I am his first. I have done things he does not know the name for and I am not proud of it most of it was for money only. I have been very dirty but in my heart I am beter than that. Dorian does not know what he is doing. I pretend that I know what I am doing but I could just be fucked. I dont know. I make a promas to my Daddy (both) that I will tell them if Im getten in over my head. I feel like I was born over my head like I dont understadn this shit at all. I want to take it easy but then i want to jump in it with both feat. Its not all about me and what I want. My parants fear for me and I wish they didn't. Some days I can act like a major whore I am the filthyest person in the world and I wish I was not. I want Dorian so bad I feal like Im' on fire but I have made promises I wish I was a kid again this is all to much for me. Also I do not want to scair Dorian away from me ever so, I will not tell him what hes doing to me. How the hell does a man grow up and stay sane I'd ask my Daddy but he aint sane. Ha.


By pez on Wednesday, February 21, 2001 - 01:53 pm:

    my parents are sane, but they ain't happy.

    i read recently that the average person today would be committed to the looney bin in the '50s.

    it's a crazy place. for years i tried to do everything to keep everyone else happy. as a result i destroyed my own happiness.

    an old song that i used to listen to: "you can't please everyone, so you might as well please yourself."

    the wiccan rede says: "an it harm no one, do what you will." and then they expect you to think about everything you do so you won't harm anyone even indirectly.

    use some common sense. if you're unsure about something, try and reason out why. and always listen to other people. everyone loves an audience.

    you're only what, 15? i made a lot of mistakes when i was 15, mainly in how i treated people. try and take it easy and be a teenager. cliche i know.

    there are plenty of fun things to do other than "sexual stuff" to show how you feel. play games and joke (my most recent ex loved it when i got him with silly string one day!).

    just try to do what feels right, i guess. and always listen. what was ok yesterday may not be today.

    i guess that's all.

    * * *

    yesterday i did my math with a cute boy named adrian (i'll just call him a here). he'd been watching my in math class, so i asked him if he wanted to study together.

    a is fairly tall with dark curly hair and brown eyes. i think he's italian.

    so we were studying and he kept on asking me questions. it turns out that he's afraid of asking questions in class. (preety stupid if you ask me, but i didn't say that.)

    the weird thing is that people kept on walking up and talking to him about the weirdest things. "hey adrian, did you get your car painted or is it a new one?" "what car?" "the bmw." "oh, that's new." upon hearing this it was like, omigod. a rich kid. gimme a break.

    and here i am, a shoe girl who works to pay for school, drives an old clunker and wastes whatever money she has left on a magazine. i tried to make small talk with him for a bit, but it was a tad strained. it's just feels odd, i guess.


By Gee on Tuesday, March 13, 2001 - 02:41 pm:

    hey, I'm afraid to ask questions in class. It's called Being Shy.


By Rhiannon on Tuesday, March 13, 2001 - 03:09 pm:

    Gee, do you still love me? I need some reassurance.



    Hold me, Gee. *SOB*





By Rhiannon on Tuesday, March 13, 2001 - 03:47 pm:

    *cries*


By Gee on Tuesday, March 13, 2001 - 03:52 pm:

    Rhiannon, I desperately want your e-mail address again. I have misplaced your last long ago e-mail.


By pez on Tuesday, March 13, 2001 - 04:05 pm:

    rhi, did you get the zine?


By Rhiannon on Tuesday, March 13, 2001 - 04:07 pm:

    superbia@saintly.com


    Don't lose it! I couldn't bear the rejection!



    (Someone down the hall is having a conference call, and she's yelling into the phone, "LINDA, the DIORAMAS don't go out until MAY!" Funny.)


By Rhiannon on Tuesday, March 13, 2001 - 04:16 pm:

    Yes, I got it yesterday! interesante! I haven't finished reading all through it yet.

    I'm going to mail your mixes on Saturday, I promise.


By pez on Tuesday, March 13, 2001 - 04:18 pm:

    yea! whoOohoOohoOoOo!!!


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