|THIS IS A READ-ONLY ARCHIVE FROM THE SORABJI.COM MESSAGE BOARDS (1995-2016).|
HOUSTON -- In a press conference near his suburban home, Satan told reporters he's starting a campaign to clear his name. He also introduced a new book to support his efforts.
"It's not surprising in a country where the average student can't find Missouri on a map that there'd be no knowledge of proper history," the devil said.
Lucifer's new book, "Am I Evil? No," focuses on the misconceptions of both himself and the true nature of wickedness and temptation.
"There's just a lot of Zoroastrian and Jainist crap that really obscures the issue," Beelzebub said. "Then the pantheon of demons and devils, plus the so-called 'Church of Satan,' which really muddies the waters."
The Prince of Darkness wants to clarify the difference between unmitigated evil and just being against God.
"Of course if you're on God's side, it's all the same thing, innit? But my whole point is there are two sides to every issue and it's my job to give the opposing viewpoint. The loyal opposition so to speak. I'm really not out to hurt anyone. I just want my voice to be heard. Why do you think Rupert Murdoch is so successful? If you don't like me, fine, I'm OK with that. I don't want love, just understanding. There's too much hate in the world already. Maybe when I was younger I liked to flout that, but I'm too old for that sort of thing now."
The Demon of Hell also said you can boil his message down to three main points.
God and heaven aren't all that.
Sin is just another word for nothing left to do. Idle hands are his playground. And it's a fun playground.
Reality TV is good and it's here to stay.
His remarks on the Church of Satan raised many an eyebrow. The accuser made it clear that the church has nothing to do with him. "I hate that church," he said. "I know that's a strong word, but they really give me a bad name. I believe in what they do. It's all about individuality. I support individuality. But why they had to name it after me, I'll never know. I thought about suing for libel, but that's just not my style. I figure, live and let live. But still, it irks me that I get associated with them unfairly. That said, they seem like perfectly nice people."
An army of demons issued a statement following the press conference claiming no affiliation with the angel of the bottomless pit but supporting his statements.
God did not comment specifically, but He remarked at the end of an unrelated speaking engagement that He wished the old serpent well, and that He hoped to get around to binding him for eternity soon.