I have the reverse problem

sorabji.com: Can men and women just be friends?: I have the reverse problem

Semillama on Tuesday, January 26, 1999 - 04:17 pm:

    OK, here goes:

    Most of these here posts deal with sexual tension and what not, and is it possible to be friends witha member of the oppisite sex without wanting to jump their bones (My homosexual comrades excluded). This is my problem.

    I can't seem to form anything BUT friendships with women. I have no problem doing this, a lot of my close friends are women, including my best friend. However, it seemd that there aren't any women who want a relationship deeper than friendship from me. As one can imagine, this gets a bit frustrating at times. I amy be one of the few people who gets fed the "Let's jsut be friends" line and the woman means it! DO I suffer from nice guy syndrome?

    Any ideas on this?

By R.C. on Wednesday, January 27, 1999 - 05:49 pm:

    Umm, have you tried yr local Herta Rent-A-Girl?
    Or the Personals?

    Going out -- to bars & clubs & comedy clubs -- usually results in meeting women who are interested in meeting men for more than just a platonic friendship. (Unless they're just there for Girls Nite Out.) Now, I can't vouch for the caliber of woman you'll run into. But it's worth a try.

    I'm sorry I can't be of much help here/but I never sem to meet anyone but panhandlers & certifiable lunatics. Truly. Let there be one guy in the parking lot who's off his meds/& he'll zero in on me as I'm carrying my groceries to my car.
    Talk to Blindswine. Seems he's beating women off w/a stick lately.

    (And how'd you get this board to post twice?)

By Yeah Im a cynic on Wednesday, January 27, 1999 - 06:22 pm:

    It's simple: you're too nice. Women will continually decry the lack of nice, decent, good men (see above), but actions speak louder than words. They're overlooking any genuinely nice guys right next to them as they serially date and crash with assholes who mistreat them, and then cry on the shoulder of the nice guy about the assholes. Why? Who the hell could explain the logic in this self-destructive behavior? Maybe nice guys are perceived as boring and lacking in confidence and "bad boys" are exciting (that is, until they act bad). Who knows? I've got a small group of close friends who are all loyal, honorable, interesting, educated straightup types, decent looking though certainly not Pitt or Trump, and they rarely get a look. They just stand around watching all the desirable women getting treated like dirt by their arrogant self-centered boyfriends.

    Or the problem could be you. Hard for a stranger on the Net to say. Think about it objectively. Maybe ask your best (female) friend.

By Bagpuss on Wednesday, January 27, 1999 - 07:30 pm:

    Nice guys ARE dull.

By Cyst on Wednesday, January 27, 1999 - 07:35 pm:

    maybe girls don't want to go fuck you because you're a pathetic whiner. I don't know.

    do you want to fuck all your female friends? are there ones that you would say no to, if they came on to you after your platonic movie and drinks "date"?

By Agatha on Thursday, January 28, 1999 - 03:38 am:

    i live with a pretty nice guy. i like him.

By Semillama on Thursday, January 28, 1999 - 09:59 am:

    Cyst, how can you accuse me of anything like you did from what little I wrote? Why assume that because I have a lot of female friends, that I want to fuck them all? I have a lot of male friends, too, and I don't want to fuck them. Perhaps you're projecting. As for whining, It's not whining if you want to talk about something in your life that isn't how you'd like it. Shit, I ask girls out like anyone else. I just would like some intelligent ideas on why some folks got it and some folks don't.

    At least Agatha has come out and let folks know that nice guys can finish first, huh?

By Asia on Thursday, January 28, 1999 - 11:05 am:

    my husband is nice. that's what attracted me to him in the first place. oh, and that he has the most beautiful hair that i've ever seen.

    but seriously, i would consider him to be the kindest person i know, and in no way do i feel bored by him or feel like something's missing because he treats me well. i wanted a nice guy, and i got a nice guy. i think that that whole 'women are looking for guys who treat them like shit' thing is overdone. STUPID women are looking for guys who treat them like shit, and for my money, they can keep em.

By Cyst on Thursday, January 28, 1999 - 11:40 am:

    semillama -

    I wasn't accusing you of wanting to fuck all your female friends, I was asking you if you wanted to. it's not a crime or anything.

    most of my friends are male, and I know of one who is not particularly interested in fucking me. (what is his problem? I don't know.) most do; they've told me. the best scenario is when they want to sleep with me, they let me know, and I say that's nice but sorry, and then we carry on as before.

    the worst scenario is when they say I want to sleep with you, and I say that's nice but sorry, and then they try to convince me that they're the one for me and then try to scare off anyone else I may be interested in. or the scenario where they say they can't stand it anymore, I have to be their girlfriend or they can't see me ever again. or when they start ending their email with the word "longingly."

    s, I have no idea why you "can't seem to form anything BUT friendships with women." why do you think women don't want to date you?

    I know that I am weird, but I think some other women feel this way too. I have had crushes on guys before, and I have subtly pursued them, and then suddenly they've gone apeshit and started wanting to hold my hand in theaters and see me all the time and grab me and kiss me on their front lawns, and this can be bad! try playing hard to get. do not let a woman know right from the get-go that you are desperately, wildly in love with her. it can be scary!

    girls also like to know that they are liked for the right reasons. I've had this conversation with a really beautiful, cool friend of mine. she said a cute boy was after her, but she was wary. because first you need to know why he likes you, I asked. and she said yes, exactly! women don't like to be chased merely because they are pretty or because they wear cute little dresses. they don't want to think they're interchangeable. come up with good reasons why you like a woman and tell her, but not all at once like you're desperate or something. one good reason each time you see her. be specific.

    I would come up with good examples, but I see that I've wriiten too much already.

By Antigone on Thursday, January 28, 1999 - 03:10 pm:

    I find that if you act uninterested, for whatever reason, and otherwise act like yourself, women tend to seek you out. Once I thought a friend was a lesbian (she'd told me about her female lovers) so I relaxed around her. She ended up jumping me. Another time I thought I was totally incompatible with a certain woman, so I didn't even consider hitting on her. Now we've been dating for three fantastic months.

    Only once have I started dating someone I pursued with a passion and that happened when I'd dated her a few years earlier (and split up amicably). She wasn't put off by my intensity (and I can get pretty intense sometimes) because we were already familiar.

    My advice: be a bit aloof. Be relaxed. Both of these outward behaviors can look like confidence, which women tend to like. Don't overdo it. Then it can look like arrogance. In the end, though, it's best to just BE confident in yourself.

By Semillama on Thursday, January 28, 1999 - 03:18 pm:

    Wow. Cool. exactly what I was looking for. Thanks, guys. Hey Cyst, if you really want to see what pathetic whining does for ya, someone should start a string called "embassing ways of losing your virginity" - I've got a good one (heh, heh)

By XENA on Thursday, January 28, 1999 - 06:33 pm:

    I think you should describe more of what your friendships are like with these women. I like nice guys, many women do, but if you are too nervous or standoffish that translates y'know. I want specific examples of your behavior. Are you getting turned down for dates? Do you know the women in advance? Do you dress well, bathe regularly, seem reasonably normal? Are you putting the pressure on when you ask someone out (ie: if we go out it's to the chapel next time)? Are you able to hold a decent convo with a woman? Are you able to forget she is a broad for 10 minutes at a time? Do you hit on anything that moves?

    Most importantly, are you really devoid of relationship issues? Do you really want a girlfriend? Why? Some-->