God, I hope so

sorabji.com: Can men and women just be friends?: God, I hope so

By Rhiannon on Tuesday, January 15, 2002 - 09:18 pm:

    Here's the deal:

    Starting around Dec. 14 (the day of our office Xmas party), A. began acting unusually friendly. (I posted stuff here during the party that you may not remember...that was when I wanted him to leave, so that I could sneak home, and instead he kept coming into my office to talk about art and history and other things. His demeanor during those conversations was such that if he were my age, I would have expected him to ask me out.)

    Blah blah blah, this kind of thing continued until last week.

    I should say at this point that he has never done anything improper or inappropriate. He has never made me feel uncomfortable around him (except for that time when he made fun of me in front of our department, but that was different). And, for the record, there is another man I work with occasionally (S.) who on the surface acts much like A., but S. *does* make me feel uncomfortable because of the way he looks at me and carries himself around me. A. never gives off those vibes. What I'm saying is, I can tell when someone is dodgy and when they're not. And A. is not.

    On the other hand, unlike before, now I couldn't help but notice that A. was acting in certain ways that would not raise eyebrows if he were single, but...he's not. (E.g., when I would speak, it seemed to me that he wasn't so much looking at me as he was watching my face and enjoying what he was seeing....uh, you know what I mean? That's one among other things.) So something is/was going on. And I have to admit that I enjoyed the attention, even though I thought he shouldn't be acting like that. **This was my mistake.**

    Last Friday, a shy coworker of mine got laid off and he offered to take her to lunch. She told me she really didn't want to go ("just shoot me," she said) because she wouldn't know what to say to him, so I offered to go with her. So I went, and at first things were awkward (because all 3 of us are geeky and awkward) BUT THEN. Then I started talking too much! Because I was nervous! I didn't act like myself at all. Worse, I think I may have come across as giddy and pretentious, and that bothers me a lot.

    (But I learned some very interesting things about his wife...she doesn't sound very happy, for one thing...)

    Though today I reminded myself that I'm 23. At my age, I'm allowed to be flaky once in a while, for God's sake.

    Anyway, after lunch on Friday, he seemed to be avoiding me. Yesterday he didn't talk to me at all except when I ran into him in the hall, and then he acted contemptuous of me. WTF? I thought, God, he must think I'm an idiot after all.

    This made me feel strange. Very ashamed of myself and angry at him.

    So today, I was so afraid that I would act like a jerk to him during our meeting, but I didn't! I was cool. Also, at one point he had to present me to our audience, and he seemed normal and I acted normally, so that was cool too. I won't see him until either Friday or Monday, Feb. 4 (depending if he comes back to the office before leaving for New Orleans.)

    I'm hoping he's gone back to normal and isn't attracted to me anymore, on account of my lack of maturity. Because, let me tell you, if I were a 40-year-old man, I would not be interested in someone my age. Heck, even if I were gay, I'd only be interested in 35+ year-old women...they're so much sexier than younger women.

    And now that I've typed this all out, it seems so grade school-ish, as Patrick pointed out before, but, well, that's how it goes. THe good thing is that when I look at myself from a distance, I don't think that I appear to be treating him any differently than I treat anyone else. I also have been praying that God will guide me to behave in the way that He wants me to behave and that He won't let anything happen that He doesn't want to happen (A. is a practicing Catholic, too, so I know God has a way in with him) -- so I thought that it's *good* that I acted the way I did on Friday, because maybe that served to redirect his attention from me back onto his wife where it belongs.

    Bottom line: I wasn't used to this kind of attention, least of all from someone in his position, and it went to my head. My heart is not broken, nor will it be. Don't worry, Czarina.

    And tomorrow, I'll probably be ashamed of myself for posting this, but eh. I need the lesson in humility anyway.

    *Though, as a side note, WHAT is UP with my attraction to older men?? I saw the movie "In the Bedroom" this weekend, and I was drooling over the father, who is 54! That's just plain wrong. I need to work on this somehow.

By Spider on Tuesday, January 15, 2002 - 09:26 pm:

    PS. I have to add that the man is not a lech. He has never "checked me out," so to speak -- his eyes never wander off of my face. Just so you know!

By cyst on Tuesday, January 15, 2002 - 10:37 pm:

    it's great that things went well at the meeting. also great he's leaving on a business trip. you're kind of lucky if he starts acting aloof toward you, don't you think? you're in a much better position than you would be if he advanced to advances. if you continue to play it cool, this may just all blow over, and that's exactly what you should want it to do.

By TBone on Tuesday, January 15, 2002 - 10:59 pm:

    Maybe your obvious nervousness made him realize that he was being too friendly.

    This is one of the best places to come for a lesson in humility.

By Nate on Tuesday, January 15, 2002 - 11:33 pm:

    what's your deal getting moist over older men then being critical of men who desire younger women?

    you sick, sick woman.

    you're looking for your father with a penis.

By Cat on Wednesday, January 16, 2002 - 12:00 am:

    I suspect her father had a penis. Just a guess though.

    Sounds like you have it all worked out, Spider. And very sensibly too.

By Nate on Wednesday, January 16, 2002 - 12:39 am:

    sorry. i couldn't find the italics key to add "for you" at the end.

    sensibility is boredom.

By Spider on Wednesday, January 16, 2002 - 08:48 am:

    Right, everything should have blown over now. I'm glad things only went this far, and hopefully they won't get this far again.

By Czarina on Wednesday, January 16, 2002 - 11:21 am:

    I don't think its over.

By cyst on Wednesday, January 16, 2002 - 11:23 am:

    if she tells herself it's not over, then it certainly won't be. be careful, ok? especially if you like your job.

By Czarina on Wednesday, January 16, 2002 - 11:32 am:

    I agree.Business and pleasure are a bad combo.
    Be careful.

By Spider on Wednesday, January 16, 2002 - 11:36 am:

    I am careful, and I'm pretty sure it's over. And if it turns out that it's not over, I'll make damned sure it's over.

By patrick on Wednesday, January 16, 2002 - 11:45 am:

    too sensible if you ask me. shit man.

    biology has more to say about this than god, but you knew id say something like that.

    is it entirely possible that none of this ever happened?

    "I'm glad things only went this far, and hopefully they won't get this far again."

    SPIDER!!!!! What are you talking about ??? "this far?" What far????? How far???? A look or conversation??? God forbid they ever go there again!!!! Come on now.

    What if this man were divorced?

    Considering all of this...what little has transpired...and the idea that his wife may be unhappy, its very plausible that he is unhappy and you offer a beacon of light. If he were divorced what would you do spider?

By Spider on Wednesday, January 16, 2002 - 12:15 pm:

    Patrick, I know your own conceptions of marriage differ from mine, but bear with me. I shouldn't be his beacon of light. I should not be an option. If he were divorced, it would be a different situation, though still inappropriate since he's my superior. And if he were single, closer to my age, and not a coworker, then it would be all right. But that's not the case.

    But seriously, I brought this topic up again last week when things weren't all right, but now I'm anticipating that things have settled down and there will be more reserve exercised on both parties' parts, so there isn't much more to discuss.

By patrick on Wednesday, January 16, 2002 - 12:42 pm:


    there's plenty to discuss!

    no you shouldn't be any beacon of light for a married man. thats wrong. but you know, we're all human. All I'm saying is this may be the reason he likes your company. I can't see anything wrong with this, as nothing has transpired that would be considered scandelous. Right? You speak as if things got really out of hand, as if he pulled you aside and you guys kissed in a stairwell. Nothing has transpired, according to you, other than an occassional non-creepy but fond look, and seemingly normal conversation.

    I mean what REALLY has gone on here?

    You singles are fuckin weird man.

By semillama on Wednesday, January 16, 2002 - 04:10 pm:

    You singles, Ha! Ha!

    Take a step back and look at yourself, talk
    about weird!

    Not that all married folks are weird becuase of
    that but damn, Patrick and Nico I think may be
    an outlier on any graph.

    not that it's a bad thing.

By patrick on Wednesday, January 16, 2002 - 04:13 pm:

    are you laughing at me sem?

    cause nate said they would laugh, and im trying to figure out if this IS it.

By Spider on Wednesday, January 16, 2002 - 06:30 pm:

    I didn't keep a diary. I can't list everything that happened.

    I saw him today, and he acted strange. Whatever. I don't need to think about this anymore.

By Nate on Wednesday, January 16, 2002 - 11:44 pm:

    i just wrote something incredibly rude but then ACTUALLY ERASED IT.

    josh groban sounds like bad disney music. i wonder if anyone likes this kind of shit.

    microsoft knows you.



By TBone on Friday, January 18, 2002 - 12:18 am:

    That was eerily polite, nate. stop it.

By Hal on Friday, January 18, 2002 - 03:20 pm:

    He's starting to creep me out...

    Been all different as of late.

By semillama on Friday, January 18, 2002 - 04:54 pm:

    He's been back to NORMAL you fools.

    Cunt Sucking Intestine shaped feeble gorilla
    wanking FOOLS.

By TBone on Friday, January 18, 2002 - 07:36 pm:

    I was trying to tell Hal the same thing today. Tell him, nate. Hal worries about you. You aren't freaking out, right? Not in an unusual fashion...

    Right? Right?!

    Watch who you're callin' feeble, sem.

    Time for a nap.

By Nate on Friday, January 18, 2002 - 11:13 pm:

    hal worries about me?

    of course i'm not freaking out.

By semillama on Saturday, January 19, 2002 - 12:09 am:

    It's time to worry about hal.

    holy shit am I drunk, I am down to one eye.

By Nate on Saturday, January 19, 2002 - 02:37 am:

    what are you doing, down on your one eye?

By moonit on Saturday, January 19, 2002 - 03:27 am:

    I want to be one-eyed drunk.

    Fucking new job and no pay until feb 13th or something rule.

    I asked my new boss for an advance, because I told him before I accepted that I might need money, because I didn't get a heck of a lot of holiday pay from my old job. He said 'let me know, and I will see what I can do'.

    Betcha he says no.

    I might quit.

By J on Monday, January 21, 2002 - 10:12 am:

    Isn't it odd how when your down to one-eye,but you see double.I have also noticed when I get really one-eyed some cerain somebody tries to get some brown-eye,but I'm not one to gossip and you didn't hear that from me.

By semillama on Monday, January 21, 2002 - 04:38 pm:

    Thank god I was drinking anything just now, I
    would have spit it all over the computer.

By Hal on Tuesday, January 22, 2002 - 11:31 am:

    Usually when I'm "one-eyed" I'm either naked, or I just sit and stare at pretty things.

By LoneStranger on Wednesday, January 30, 2002 - 01:42 am:

    When Nate is normal, he's actually abnormal.



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