Easy come, easy go

sorabji.com: Can men and women just be friends?: Easy come, easy go

By Antigone on Tuesday, October 12, 2004 - 03:58 am:

    And so it ends, after two and a half years.

    "I have certain needs you don't fulfill," she said. "It's not your fault."

    It may be cliche, but I'm not that broken up about it. Not just saying that, either.

    Easy come, easy go.

    Let's go back to November 2001. I'd just come back from working six months in Alabama. A woman friend in Dallas had been saying "I can't wait until you come back home!" for the past three months. While I was driving the nine hours back she called me three times to see when I'd arrive. A week after I got back she dumped me. "We just don't click," she said, after only a couple of dates.

    Now, I was really into this chick. She was smart and knockout hot. So I was a bit thrown for a loop.

    So along came A. I'd put up an internet personal ad, and she responded to it. We corresponded for a while and two weeks later went out on our first date.

    She was nice. I wasn't that physically attracted to her, I wasn't smitten with her, but I liked her. She was smart and easy to talk to. We didn't share many intellectual interests, but I had no problem talking about the stuff that interested her. She was nice.

    And, by that point, I was all for 'nice.' I'd stopped trusting my instincts. In fact, my not being totally into her was a bonus. I figured I had great 'bitch radar,' it just manifested itself in me as attraction. Maybe I was just miswired inside. So I went with the flow. A month later we were seeing each other exclusively and spending all of our time together. She shared many deep dark secrets of hers (some quite dark) and that sparked my attraction. Intimicy is my greatest aphrodisiac.

    Fast forward nine months. After months of being all over me she suddenly loses all interest in sex. After another month she hardly lets me touch her. She eventually says it's because I'm not 'ambitious enough.' (I was working on a PhD) After I start a well paying job, though, there's no change. I waited, not wanting to push, and eventually there's no way to talk about it. Every time I try to talk she clams up.

    And so it goes for a year and a half. We slowly drift further and further apart. It wasn't a steady thing. We had our ups and downs, we had our conflicts, but never anything too extreme. About a month ago I was ready to break up, finally fed up with the lack of communication, among other things. She seemed genuinely baffled about why I was angry, saying things had been "going so well between us." I decided to cool down and decide later what to do.

    So a few hours ago she says, "I have certain needs you don't fulfill." Would she tell me what those needs were? Nope.

    And, ya know what? I don't care anymore. I've spent the past two plus years being supportive, trying to help her through troubles, helping to prop up her low self esteem. Somehow that wasn't enough. I became distant myself eventually, and I'm sure that didn't help in 'fulfilling' her in the end, but I just got tired of being the supportive one, being just a security blanket.

    I'm not particularly angry. I don't feel used, really. Despite my gruff and logical manner on this board, I'm really quite a softie, especially in relationships. I give of myself freely. I'm glad A decided to break up on her own. (In fact, I waited until she did.) It showed she was emotionally ready.

    I guess I mostly feel tired and frustrated. Isn't there someone else out there who knows that long term relationships need both people to work hard and give of themselves? The spark can survive, but it doesn't just happen.

    Dunno. Just rambling now.

By dave. on Tuesday, October 12, 2004 - 04:20 am:

    "Isn't there someone else out there who knows that long term relationships need both people to work hard and give of themselves?"

    i think long-term relationships need both people to "relax and accept" more than "work hard and give". it shouldn't be a challenge or a contest. it should be a project.

    not that i'm mr. perfect or anything. i'm not. not even close.

    sorry, tiggy. you'll be ok.

By Antigone on Tuesday, October 12, 2004 - 04:25 am:

    I agree with the "relax and accept" bit, dave. I tried telling her that, but she said she "didn't want to settle."

    And, yeah, I'll be ok. I feel more ok now than after any breakup before.

By kazu on Tuesday, October 12, 2004 - 10:45 am:

    Yes, it sounds like one of those situations
    where you've been slowly "getting over her"
    for a long time already.

    Still, it can be hard to be without someone
    after such a long time.

    I like the "relax and accept" model. I wouldn't
    think of it as "settling."

    "She eventually says it's because I'm not
    'ambitious enough.' (I was working on a PhD)

    yeah, hate them lazy academics.

By agatha on Tuesday, October 12, 2004 - 01:16 pm:

    People are so wierd. Sorry, Tiggy. Maybe it's a good time for a road trip?

By Dodi on Tuesday, October 12, 2004 - 01:25 pm:

    Look at it as a good thing. I mean, there's someone out there, that's better for you and this was just another chapter in your life.

    What did you learn from this relationship?

    I'm sorry Antigone....:(

By Gee on Tuesday, October 12, 2004 - 01:32 pm:

    leave a bag of flaming poo on her doorstep. that will make you feel better. it always makes me feel better.

By Antigone on Tuesday, October 12, 2004 - 02:52 pm:

    Funny you should mention that, agatha. It's possible that I might move to New Jersey in the next few months.

    And thanks, ya'll.

    Dodi, from this relationship I learned to not be quite so patient. That might not sound good, but what I consider 'patient' is 'observe for six months to see if she wants to talk about it.' Next time I'll cut that down to three months. :)

    No poo, Gee.
    Nopoogee, nopoogee, nopoogee.
    Bad Gee.

By Dodi on Tuesday, October 12, 2004 - 03:08 pm:

    Trust me...she'll regret losing you.

By patrick on Tuesday, October 12, 2004 - 03:31 pm:

    dude, the road trip....as a spritual cleansing agent, emotional healer and potential sexual expeditor.

By agatha on Tuesday, October 12, 2004 - 04:09 pm:

    Agreed. So, New Jersey via Washington state?

By wisper on Tuesday, October 12, 2004 - 06:33 pm:

    "what I consider 'patient' is 'observe for six months to see if she wants to talk about it.'"


    sounds like a clean break. Hope you feel all that great 'post-breakup refreshment'. It can be quite a high.

By V on Tuesday, October 12, 2004 - 09:02 pm:


By V on Tuesday, October 12, 2004 - 10:38 pm:


By ENOGITNA on Tuesday, October 12, 2004 - 11:42 pm:


By Antigone on Tuesday, October 12, 2004 - 11:52 pm:

    Anyway, I was just walking around a lake near my place. Walking helps me think, and it clarified a thought for me. Last night she said that one reason she stopped being intimate with me was that she had a hard time trusting men, afraid that they'll leave her. Now, to me that shows she's a bit out of touch with reality. She's had two and a half years to see that this man is trustable. I was the reality, right in front of her. I never even looked at another woman in her presence. (Literally, I was always aware of where I was looking while in her presence.) How could she not trust me? So when she says I'm 'not fulfilling her needs,' I'm not sure it's possible to do so. How can I satisfy someone who can't see even the most basic things about me?

    Maybe that's a rationalization, but it makes sense to me.

By Platypus on Wednesday, October 13, 2004 - 12:02 am:

    So I'm curious...why New Jersey?

    It seems like everyone I know is moving to New Jersey, some sort of mass exodus situation. So is there an appeal I've missed?

    It sounds as though perhaps A wasn't very good at communicating what her "needs" might have been, eh? It's sort of hard to fulfill needs, also, when you don't know what they are.

By dave. on Wednesday, October 13, 2004 - 12:20 am:

    ween are from jersey.

By Mr Jekyl and Miss Hyde on Wednesday, October 13, 2004 - 02:00 am:

    Men and Women may or may not be friend, I was born with wrong body, but when i see a lady wearing a pretty summer dress, it make me so furious wishing me wearing a pretty dress just like her.

By Antigone on Wednesday, October 13, 2004 - 02:25 am:

    New Jersey because a friend of mine wants me to apply at his company there. It's tempting because I'd double my pay (or more) and be working on artificial intelligence. Hard to pass up, especially since the company I'm working at now is perpetually next to extinction.

By agatha on Wednesday, October 13, 2004 - 03:44 am:

    you should move to California and work at Google.


    Can you tell that I'm doing a paper about Google right now? I feel like a zombie. Stupid 15 page papers.

    Although, if you moved to Jersey you could hang out with Swine, and maybe Mark (if he ever leaves his house anymore).

By Antigone on Wednesday, October 13, 2004 - 03:52 am:

    I'd have to make pilgrimages to worship his AM radio collection. :)

By V on Wednesday, October 13, 2004 - 09:16 pm:

    AGENT D, 35,000 Japanese people commited suicide last year,go and join them.

By Platypus on Thursday, October 14, 2004 - 02:26 am:

    You are doing a fifteen page paper about Google?

    I kind of want to read it.


    But you should move to California, Aqatha is correct. The northern part, to be specific.

By moonit on Thursday, October 14, 2004 - 03:07 am:

    You should do a plane road trip. Get to see some of the sorabji's with accents.

By agatha on Thursday, October 14, 2004 - 04:08 am:

    Yes. And I'm sorry to say that I'm STILL doing a 15 page paper on Google. Woe is me.

By V on Saturday, October 16, 2004 - 08:56 pm:


By V on Sunday, October 17, 2004 - 07:05 pm:


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