J's going crazy from the stress of taking care of her mother. Sarah's going crazy from the separation from her island and her boyfriend. Patrick's going crazy for mysterious but possibly maritally-related reason. I'm going crazy because it's my Semi-Annual Crazy Time (TM). How are the rest of you doing? Let me talk about my craziness. I'm depressed. I have bizarre emotional experiences with little or no stimulation. I'm having obsessive, intrusive thoughts. I feel like I want to hide in a dark closet with clothes thrown on top of me for a week or so. This sucks. Weigh in with YOUR mental problems here:

Im going crazy primarily with the stress endured from being a part of building a business from ground up. It weighs on my marriage indeed. But I should have expected this. But possessing the expectation doesn't necessarily mean you are properly equipped. Yeah I KNOW that tornado is coming, but hiding under the couch doesnt mean my house is going to be untouched. Its literally month to month for us. Unfortunately we started this business at a time when our personal debt wasn't exactly minimal so a chunk of the makings from the company (more than we'd like) are going to our personal payouts each month which in turn is straining an otherwise successful business. Short-term outlook is tough. The long-term is good. The sweaters are moving. The new items are even stronger than that current ones so I expect even more to come. I have so many feelings that this was meant to be. I don't want to jinx it, but damn if Im not confident. Otherwise, Im going crazy on a week to week basis because of the many little worries that I have a bad habit of making into bigger worries. I worry and stress alot. I was raised with a strict sense of fiduciary responsibility and on those days of the month when it seems like we may not be able to pay rent or what have you, i freak on the wife, she freaks on me...we unlove for days and i get depressed. Today was a good day to start this thread as I can look at it rationally, partly due to the fact that marital relations were WAYYYYY up on several occasions last night. AHEM.

i've already gone crazy. a long time ago. i see no reason to post about it.

Misery loves company. I want to read qualitative descriptions of mental suffering. Come on, throw me a bone...

KLUNK

Crazy? Crazy? Why? Who wants to know? Who have you been talking to? WHO WANTS TO KNOW???????? I am not crazy. You are.

Yes. I'm bitter, and seeing numeric patterns everywhere. If Life is a tapestry, I feel like lint waiting for the cosmic vaccuum. This can't be healthy.

being crazy has its plusses. i mean, what a rush!

The whole situation with my sister is driving me crazy. She got kicked out of the house again! Annie spent all day Sunday yelling at my Dad and disrespecting every single one of his wishes (things like, since you are not working could you please empty the dishwasher during the day, or you need to look for a job). He was so upset that he was ready to tell Mom he couldn't live under the same roof as her anymore, but of course he wussied out of it. The next day my Mom tried to talk to her about disrespecting the work Mom does around the house and doing your own share and they got into a fight and then Mom kicked her out. She's almost 25 and not in school and not working and not doing anything except trashing Mom & Dad's house while they are working to put a roof over her head and food on her table. She needed to have her ass kicked out a long time ago. Any guesses as to how long before Mom lets her move in, because she needs to help Annie make a new start?

the only time I'm crazy is when I'm at home. when I'm out I'm as happy as a clam, however happy that may be. I'm going to see "Ice Age" saturday morning, I hope to see "Men With Brooms" saturday night, and Sunday I'm going shopping for clothes (yay!) and having a little Buffy marathon with chocolate. and then it's only one week until Wrestlemania, and less than a week after that is Niagra Falls. Plus I'm moving at the end of the month and I already have most of the stuff I need for MY APARTMENT. what else? Well, I'm cute. I have a copy of the "Moulin Rouge" soundtrack, an "air of confidence", and a best friend who substitutes nicely for a pseudo-boyfriend when I'm feeling lonely. Everything is good. except for that dark shadow looming on the horizon, that is. :)

eri is making me crazy on the other message board.

Monday: one of my (very very very few) deaf and drunk clients read the calendar wrong and though she had written down the correct date and time for her appointment, she insists the date for Monday was wrong. Crazy. Tuesday: A sober client leaving an early morning AA meeting stops to pick up a drunk hitchhiker who literally walks into the path of her car, on her (my client's) way to her 8:30 appointment with me. Turns out the drunk had been spotted day prior but got lost; this time the police escorted her into protective custody. Crazy. Wednesday: one of my favorite bipolar drunk pothead battered woman lies to her group about being clean, another is passing clods of shit through her veins, and my least favorite sociopathic narcissist insists I write a favorable letter to court encouraging his release from 120 days of jail. I can say nothing good about the man. He insists he is the model client and his $190,000 worth of felony thefts are all bogus. Crazy. Thursday: Client who adamantly denied reeking of booze on Tuesday when she blew 0.056 on breathalyzer 30 hours after drinking two pints of whiskey, tries to convince me the little bugs crawling under her skin are real. May be not crazy. I can't go on: enough of qualitative descriptions. MY problem: it's crazy that someone somewhere pays me to help these crazies. Like I could.

can you help me Daniel ssss?

Well, surprise surprise. My sister has already moved back into my parents. She walked up to my mother and said "I'll come back on one condition" Mom said "You aren't in the position to demand any conditions" and let her move back in. I want to live in her world. You never have to pay bills, but have a nice house to live in, and good meals on the table. You never have to take any responsibility for your own actions (if you don't want your kid beat him up and let someone else raise him for you). You don't have to work, just sit on your ass all day and trash the house and someone else will clean it for you. Your s/o could be off working their ass off to make a fresh start and you can take the money they earn and buy new clothes and shoes and hair extensions and DVD's and CD's and other unneccesary shit. And you can do all of these worthless things and if anyone doesn't like it they will be condemned and degraded for not letting it all roll of their backs and treating you like you are a saint. Must be nice to live on Planet Annie. Thank God we moved to Texas. Distance is a blessing right now. Grandma must be rolling over in her grave.

where do you live in texas?

spider, what are you obsessive and intrusive thoughts? care to share? cuz i'm curious...

I'm kind of hesitant to say, because it will probably sound truly crazy, but my intrusive thoughts have to do with being bad. LIke, I'll do something (usually involving other people, like having a conversation or doing something for someone) and then for a long time afterwards I think I was wrong to do that and everything I do is bad and I'm just a bad person, etc. etc. I can't stop thinking like this when it happens, and I'll usually think like this after every conversation or every interaction with someone. Then I become almost paralyzed by anxiety, because I'm afraid to do ANYTHING because I'm afraid that I'll do something bad. It's not happening right now. Actually, this current period is a lot less disturbing than other times in the past. (BTW, I do not mean period in the menstrual sense....I think this is totally unrelated to hormones.) The worst time was last May, when it was pretty severe and lasted almost all month. Anyway.

PS. I also start hating random people (acquaintances/friends, not strangers) for unknown reasons during times like this, and their presence disgusts me. Then I feel guilty, because the people haven't done anything wrong and certainly don't deserve that, and then I think I'm evil, and then I hate myself, etc. etc. etc. It's a pain in the ass.

"I also start hating random people (acquaintances/friends, not strangers) for unknown reasons during times like this, and their presence disgusts me. " This happens to me from time to time. I don't think thats so crazy. The best thing to do when you recognize this coming about is to just politely avoid them, let it pass. There's no logic but you know we arent entirely logical creatures. You're not crazy, but for the sake of the thread, I'll pretend you are.

"This happens to me from time to time. I don't think thats so crazy." Oh, yeah? Maybe you're just crazy too. :Þ

I'm actually in a pretty good mood today, maybe because I took a walk around town at lunch time and the weather is beautiful. Tomorrow, I'm going home to see my father and brother, so I have that to look forward to, also.

well as you said, misery (insantiy) like company so we should have tea sometime.

Sarah, I am in San Antonio. About 84 miles away from Austin, maybe a little less. I am just glad it isn't Missouri right now. I have never hated random people. It just isn't like me. I don't hate people. I don't know why, I just don't. Maybe, I am the crazy. My latest cause of insanity. My kitties. I have three. All came down with some little cold when we first got here. 2 got over it, one didn't. Also one had a little drainage from the eye, like a cold and then the next day his eyeball was all red. Went to the vet today. I get to give Sidney (the one with the cold) Mikayla's old baby medicine and just change the doseage for Sid's weight. Punkin's eye is another story. He is on two different medications now. He has an ulcer in his eyeball beneath the retina. It can push the entire retina out of the eyeball. We are trying to save his eye, and won't know anything for a week, to see if he can improve at all or not. Otherwise the old man (he's 14 now) has to go in for surgery. Damn, he can't do anything cheap!!!! The vet visit was more than a trip to the Pediatrician for the kids. If it costs $60 for today, what will a frickin surgery cost? Ugh. I hope he can get better, for his own sake. I need a shot!!!!!

spider, it kinda sounds like a form of social anxiety and/or agorophobia or something. i don't think that's too unusual, but it sounds upsetting. i'm sure you never do anything bad. and anyway, you can't be accountable for other people's feelings all the time.

To be honest, I'm not necessarily thinking about other people's feelings...it's more like I've failed to live up to my own standards. Most of the time, I'm pretty easy on myself (if you ask me), but it's during these times that I feel that if I'm not perfect, I'm terrible -- no middle ground. I've been told it's a form of OCD, but since I don't have any compulsions (unless you count whispering "I'm sorry" a compulsion), I'm probably okay. I have mild social anxiety all the time, so maybe these periods make it flare up or something. Except for that time last May, the periods usually last no longer than a week or two, and they usually come about only twice a year, so I've never felt inspired to get professional help for them. I'd rather spew here and wait till my spirits lift. :)

i'm feeling better than i was in the summer months. I saw a "councillor" a few times since then. I talked to my doctor too, now i have 3 weeks worth of Paxil in my dresser drawer. I don't think i'll ever take it. I don't think i could bring myself to. Any craziness in me right now is due to my uncertain future, and that stress and fear spills over into everything else in life. I can't calm down about things if they upset me, and my usual super-worrying nature goes into overdrive and i start plotting out bad things that are going to happen, months, years in advance. But i've been freaking myself out like that since i was a kid. It's just really strong in times of stress. It's not good. It affects my relationship with the boy. These things always sound so much more nutty when you type them out or think about them later; but last night i was just thinking about him for a bit, (like his face, eyes, laugh, etc) and i didn't get the usual warm fuzzy inside feeling that goes with thoughts of love. So i started to panic and think that maybe we're falling apart and this means i don't love him anymore and oh my god 'the honeymoon's over' and i'm a bad person and how could i do that to him (much like what Spider (said), all in the span of a few minutes. Then i snapped out of it and went to bed. Things like that. It's all bullshit of course. We're normal. But there is no "normal" right now. Vacation? what's a vacation? I haven't had a "vacation" in 4 years (almost 5! woo-hoo!) But stress is killing both of us, we haven't had sex in...... nevermind how long. A long time, for us. It's so weird. I'm hating all of this. And i don't know when my life will get back on any sort of 'track' so i have nothing to look forward to, no real goals, no reason to buck up and change my socks even, some days i think that way. *sigh* and sometimes, i'm feeling okay. the Krispy Kreme helps. me not having a cigarette in 5 months does not help.

my new free advice: (1) quit your job/school/responsibilities (2) smoke...alot, anything you can get to burn (3) sell your body....cheaper the better (4) become a junkie (5) lower your standards which will lower your stress

I have a better idea. Someone give me some medicine to slow down my adrenal glands. Problems solved!

FB, you are oh so wise... I have been feeling like I am in self-destruct mode lately. All of FB's advice up there have pretty much been thoughts that I've had within the last three months. I've felt like running away on more than one occassion. But I know there is no answer in any of those. I just want to be able to pay my bills and take care of my family. The job I have now is not enough. Not with my husband's salary. We don't make enough and I feel like I'm drowning half the time. I keep getting myself into situations that I shouldn't. I am a married woman, and I love my husband. I should not be in these situations... I feel like I need to just stay at home and hide under the covers or something. That it would be the only way to keep myself out of trouble. Lately, trouble just seems to keep finding me. I feel like I'm going crazy b/c I start thinking about the mess we're in financially and I can't even breathe. I know this is all stuff that a lot of people go through, but I still feel crazy.

I used to offer free counseling to all sorabjites but the sale's over. Agoraphobia is the fear of going outside your home, and may or may not be related to anxiety. Too much is made of social anxiety disorder (it certainly exists) and too many times it is just confused with general angst over not having enough money time sex cigarettes friends kitty litter. We live in a time of angst, a time of very fast living, a time that is nearly out of control... and even healthy folks (????) have a good dose of generalized anxiety. After all, when was the last time YOU experienced airplanes flying into buildings? Not that it hasn't happened before, just not to you and me. Anxiety is debilitating, long lasting, chronic, resulting in health and social problems. What works for me is a sober support system, a group of people with whom I can reality test; time alone in the woods and nature as a healing force; acceptance that everything is as it should be right at this moment; knowledge that I am not in charge of anything except my attitude and behavior; determination to not screw up things anymore than they are.... which may mean simplifying my life, selling my belongings, logging off, buying a smaller condo on the beach, trading the BMW for Mazda, living properly one relationship at a time, dedicating myself to honesty, ignoring my critics, reaching out to others, serving others in a way to get outside of the muck of self, and dancing with my shadow whether I want to or not. hmm, logging off?

No, kids, it's not over yet. Flat out mess today. I fought with my boss in the middle of a meeting. Kinda smoothed things over, then at the end of the day went into his office to talk about something unrelated and ended up fighting again. He said, we'll talk about this tomorrow, and I said, yeah, you'll need your strength, and then walked out. WHY. What have I done?

I just want to report that I am feeling crazy at the moment, so if I suddenly attack any of you or act otherwise out of character, please forgive me. I thought my mood swings had levelled out, but I was mistaken.

you bitch. that was uncalled for.

It's okay Spider, I'll love you no matter what. If there is anything I can do, e-mail me, okay sweetie?

dave., if it is okay, I'd like to nominate you for this year's Statler and Waldorf Award for Excellence in Crankiness and Cynicism.

Thanks for the love, Kazoo! AOL is being a real, honest bitch and won't let me get my messages....the page just does not load. It's been like this for the past week. I'll just have to cry on your shoulder in public. :~) Dave, you lox, you know you love me, too. Say it. SAY IT.

it. stop bothering me.

You're no fun anymore.

sorry.

people still use AOL?

Let me tell you about the weird and embarrassing thing that happened to me yesterday, Kazoo. Work was making me mad, so I went across the street to the church there so I could collect my thoughts and calm down. When I was there, I thought about an old friend of the family, Rose, who passed away last Monday. Rose was like my surrogate grandmother -- my mother never got along with her own mother, and Rose took her place. She was a really cool woman, and I miss her. I started crying in church, and I went into to the bathroom to calm down and wash my face. The bathroom is a one-room, single-sex, deal. It took me a while to calm down, and I was in there for maybe five minutes, when someone bangs on the door. I say, "someone's in here." A man answers and says that there is a woman outside who would like to use the bathroom and could I hurry up? And this stuns me, because, you know, I'm in the bathroom, and for all he knows I could be in the throes of a stomach ache or something. And who the fuck pounds on a public bathroom door of the opposite sex and tells the person inside to hurry up? If the woman was in such a hurry, why didn't she knock for herself? Was she a little crippled old lady? I had the water running, too, so you could hear that there was someone inside. In fact, you could probably hear me crying, in which case, the guy was a complete asshole for asking me to leave. So I leave, and I see an able-bodied middle-aged woman talking to the man. I hold the bathroom door for a moment, so as to gesture that she can enter now, but she keeps on talking. I don't say anything and I go back to my office. Even now, I can't stop thinking about how rude and embarrassing that was.

I've had things like that happen to me...usually with teenagers though. Still, I never say anything and then can't stop thinking about it, usually wishing I could have thought of some wiseass remark to make.

spider, thank god for you. go see "Secretary" the movie. it will make you feel sane by comparison. maybe.

Sarah, I would love to see "Secretary" (I keep hearing and reading great things about it, and the theme interests me) but I can't ask anyone I know to go with me, because they would totally not be receptive to the idea. I was all set to go by myself a few weeks ago, and then I realized that I'd feel like a pervert sitting in that theatre by myself, surrounded by all these couples. So I'll wait for it to come out on video, so I can watch it by myself without fear of judgement. Unless you want to fly to DC and see it again with me. :)

spider. do you only have nuns for friends? what exactly is unreceptive about the idea of seeing the film? yeah, total perv. women are totally known for going to theaters alone, for similar pervy reasons. we once saw a showing of Body Double and had to constantly shoo all the single women away. i have a backlog of *whatthe fuck are you talking about* expressions id like to unload. Id almost consider flying to DC to do so.

You're close. One has considered becoming a nun, and she, along with the other two, thinks d/s-type stuff is disgusting. Can we please direct our indignation back to the guy in the church? I didn't bring this up to talk about my pathetic friends, my sexual repression, etc. etc. etc. Blah blah blah.

im so glad your patient with me. what about the guy in the church? he was an impatient dick. moving on... I see this at the top of this thread: "Patrick's going crazy for mysterious but possibly maritally-related reason" heeeee im such a whiny weiner sometimes. im sure i must have been self loathing somewhere here. im not crazy though.

I feel peaceful today. In case you were wondering. Maybe serene is a better word. Yesterday afternoon I had a nice talk with my boss, who had noticed that my work was crushing me. Things might be getting better soon. We have a new Big Boss, who might help streamline things to reduce inefficiency. I'm still saying "might," because I lack hope. I love that word, serene. I like austere, too. I think it's the e-consonant-e pattern that appeals to me, especially in austere, since it softens the R sound. If I have a daughter, I might give her Serene for a middle name. It's too big a burden to use as a first name, as is Hope.

One more thing. I've been watching "The Forsyte Saga" on PBS, and I picked up the novel (rather, a trilogy of novels published under the single title) the other night, and I'm nearly 3/4 way through. I find it riveting and, for a book written in 1918, surprisingly frank. (Was that still during the Victorian Era? At any rate, the book takes place in the late 1800s.) I wonder how it was received at the time. I can't figure out the rule for censoring "damn." Sometimes it's written out, and some times it's written as "d---." It seems to be okay to say "a damnable shame," but not okay to say "damn him" or "that damned dog." But there are exceptions. Odd.

I think it ended "officially" ended around 1900, but it would still be a powerful influence in after that.

I just topped by to say that I am indeed crazy. thanks for asking

That's interesting.... Characters in the book come right out and say, "you need to take a lover," and things like that -- no beating around the bush. One character "exerts his marital rights" on his wife (that's how it's phrased), and you know how she reacted, what he thought about immediately afterwards, what his family thinks of his actions, etc. This is in contrast to a book I once read published around 1880 (I had found it at a flea market, so it's nothing famous) that was also about an odd marriage of convenience, in which the husband and wife barely spoke to one another. In the middle of the book, suddenly the wife is pregnant. That was a bit of a shock -- for all the reader was told, they'd never even smiled at each other over breakfast.

Sorry to hear that, spunky. You have come to the right place to purge your troubles.

purge them or get more?

I'm glad I found this thread. I am also glad I saw "Secretary" by myself -- no WAY would anyone I know have reacted favorably to the movie. I can just imagine them coming out of the theatre saying, "Eeewww, that was so disturbing." It was not disturbing. It was the opposite of disturbing. I have difficulty expressing myself well -- take this parenthetical phrase from above: "(I had found it at a flea market, so it's nothing famous)." Now, why did I use the word "so"? How does not being famous follow from the state of being sold at a flea market? I need to edit before I post. My four-day weekend was very restful, but I feel like I'm going crazy again. I really need to do something to reduce or reorganize my workload. The first step would be to stop posting here, but this is what keeps me from exploding.

I checked my email today and saw that my former boss has emailed me, presumably to ask me how I'm doing and if I got into JVC. I felt so uncomfortable seeing his name in the To field I had to log out. It just came flooding back to me, how I had a huge crush on him, and how strange and awkward he was, and how awkward and uncomfortable I usually felt around him. What a weird experience that was. Since I've quit my job I haven't had any of the random anxiety/craziness I started this thread about. PMS, spiritual crises, and misanthropy caused by external events -- yes. I hope the next guy I really like is single and has mutual feelings, because otherwise, the awkwardness is viscerally painful, and I'd rather not have to deal with that ever, ever again.

i just took myself off the patch because it too, eventually, like every other form of hormone birth control, made me completely sick and insane. it just took the patch 9 months instead of the usual 2-3 months. i gained 10 lbs. during the last two weeks i wore a patch i had heart palpitations, high blood pressure, depression and wishing i was dead thoughts, irritibility, inability to function at work. etc etc etc. i ripped the last one off 3 days early. within two days i peed out 5+ pounds of water weight i had been holding for months and months. my appetite returned to normal. like, i can eat three meals a day and feel satisfied. i don't crave sugar or need to eat every 2 hours. i'm calmer, more relaxed. my god. i almost lost it completely this time. it took me too long to recognize the pattern. the patch was the last thing from my mind, since it had been working like a charm for so long.

Sarah, why are we such estrogen messes? Maybe we're allergic to it?

i don't know spider, but i've suspected it to be something like an allergy, yeah. or hypersensitivity to one's own hormones. or maybe our biological system of checks and balances is whacked. hard to say. but man, hormones are very powerful chemicals. some people's hormones are benevolent governors. ours are tyrannical dictators. i've given up trying to quiet hormonal shitstorm. all i can do now is try to develop better coping mechanisms.

and me? I'm just gonna get sterilized.

to the original post by spider, im still going crazy. even crazier. in fact, im the craziest i've ever been in 29 1/2 years of my life.

Crazy. Crazy crazy crazy. Lack of routine makes me crazy. Injury makes me crazy. Silence makes me crazy too, but that's the thing I have the most control over and I find myself getting quieter and quieter. I cried on Saturday out of frustration and loneliness. With the bandages biking is painful and all my housemates went to a housewarming in southeast. So.... urm.... Spider, how is the JVC thing going? pezlapis is out of the loop.

PezLapis did you have a big crash??? I am also crazy. Pregancy test was negative. Period has not come. Six weeks late. Fucking stupid doctors.

I'm not crazy. I'm Something, but I'm not sure what.

I'm going crazy because of my 'so called 'friends. I guess over the years, after being stabbed in the back by so many of my truly dear and loved best friends, I have come to just find it easier to be friends with jerks. Because at least with them, when they do stuff to hurt you or that upsets you or is just out-right nasty...well you can say 'i should have seen that coming' and you dont feel so bad. My family are always telling me im crazy ... but hey who wouldnt be if they had lived my childhood? My friedns all seem to have become drug addicted freaks... who use me and use me and use me, yet time and time again i forgive them and treat them like gold whilst i treat myself like shit. I am going crazy because i am too scared to be happy, and dont know how to become the person i want to be. Hmmm.... that was .. deep-ish! :-)

It was?

pezlapis should stay and entertain me while she's resting the bod. i guess you didn't make it to your cousin's wedding? that made me sad.

i dislocated my shoulder on saturday near the end of a crazy ass kayaking trip down the blanco. 16.7 miles of kayaking on a stretch of the river that is only navigable when the water flow is between a specific range. i didn't see the doctor until this morning. i've injured this shoulder before, 3 years ago, and they took xrays, gave me some vioxx, and said, go home and rest it. so i figured i'd just save myself the doctor bill this time. except that it hurts like a motherfucker and seems to be getting worse, not better. i'm having an MRI next tuesday. so we'll see. the point is, they weighed me. 166 lbs. when i moved to austin i was 150. at 142-145 i'm a size six. 150 i'm a size eight. when i saw the gastroenterologist on february 9th, 2004, i weighed 153. my blood pressure was 120/80. my blood pressure hasn't been over 90/60 in five years. my heart rate was 78. my heart rate hasn't been over 54 in five years. so yeah, what the fuck. what. the. fuck. is the it the patch? i'm beginning to wonder. i don't know. i do know that i am one very unhappy camper right now. it's not that i can't lose weight. i know how to lose weight. it's that i can't control my hunger. hungry all the god damned time. nothing seems to help. i had an appointment to see a nutritionist, but my insurance won't cover it, and it's going to cost me $150.00. for the kind of money i might as well join the Quick Weight Loss Center. which i very well might do. i am very upset about this. more upset about this than about the currently unfortunate state of my relationship with senor.

PezLapis big crash miniskirted zoobomber. First run top three left turn big bike bicycle bump. Flipturn leftside skid. Cracked mousehelm. The gauze is gone but things are still painfully healing. No time to recuperate much due to work (work work work, she'll never get her dress done). Big move still unpacking. Wedding cross country trip was canceled for PezLapis. Bought a computer instead, which does not work with wireless DSL for some reason. grrrrr. The time is now, we are the ones. helmet zoobomb love

Jebus Crisp, that makes me want to dig out the kayak. But it's been a while, and I wouldn't feel safe unless I took a refresher class of some sort or something. Hi, Lapiz. HEAL!

Is that anything like This time you really were bad, bad, bad I will show you some discipline Yes, you will learn some respect, respect, respect HEEL! ? Lapis Pezuli, my JVC thing hasn't started yet, but I'll be heading out on August 3. And actually, they were supposed to have sent me info on what to pack and how to prepare, but I haven't gotten it yet. Eep.

Actually, it was more like when the guy on stage invites you to roll up in your wheelchair and he puts his hand on your head and screams HEAL! and dumps you out of your chair and his big bouncer guys catch you before you can crumple in to a crippled heap and they point all the cameras and lights at your grinning face and everyone applauds. But I didn't really put much thought into it.

Only one "extra-large" bandage left, one of three adhesives left remaining. One on shoulder, two on left knee (and when you lift the smaller of the two there it looks reeeeeal fucking nasty). August 3? Where did you end up? Do you start immediately? HEEL!

did you take pictures of the nasty scabs? add that to spider's trend of abstract sorabji class photos

Self portrait of knee was taken when freshly bloodied. Though a scab-o-gram would be a great idea. There were ffotoes taken of bikeskids and the dead mousemet that turned beautifully.

i weighed myself this morning. 155 lbs. i've lost 11 lbs since going off the patch. i'd say half or more of that was water retention, which you all can clearly see for yourselves in my memorial weekend photos. is that crazy or what? and i feel so much calmer. did i mention at that same dr visit my blood pressure was 120/80? which seems fine right? except my b.p. hasn't been above 90/60 in about six years or more. i'm not moody, i'm not constantly hungry. my god. goodbye forever to birth control. i really really really mean it this time.

yeah, birth control is no good for some women. down right evil even. I am lucky I am not one of them. I probably should be on it, but I keep putting off the appointment. What happened with your MRI Sarah?

Whoa, you had an MRI? Did I miss that thread? Are you one of those blessed with no claustrophobia?

I cringe at the thought of an MRI. Back in college a friend of mine had an open MRI and brought me along to sit there and watch. Even that freaked me out. Lately I've been suffering from phantom sunglasses-on-my-head.

heh, that's really funny. i get phantom sunglasses on my head too. also, that's where i always lose them. the MRI was fine. easy schmeazy. the tech was actually this very hot older man and the head technician there. i asked him does he always work nights? he said no, just on tuesdays, as a way of being a good "team player", trying to keep the other techs happy so they don't quit. the tube had the word PHILIPS etched on the front. i said, "philips. don't they make screwdrivers?" he laughed and said, "that's funny - i hadn't heard that one yet." i think he was lying. he was real nice and won me over right away by asking me to put on the blue scrubs (as opposed to the pink ones or the teal ones) because they were the smallest size. he gave me headphones and asked me what radio station i enjoyed listening to in the evenings. i had him put on a.m. radio so i could listen to the astros game. afterward i got him to show the pictures. it was so fucking cool. you could see everything! the skin, the blood vessels in the skin, the muscle tissue (he said i had a lot of muscle :), the joint and socket, the connective tissue, and the pockets of fluid "a result from trauma" he said. i asked him, "can you tell what's wrong?" and he said, "i can tell, but i can't tell you." as it turns out, after seeing the results of the MRI, the first orthopedist i consulted with (who wouldn't prescribe me any pain medication, but sent me home with free packets of arthritis medication... bitch) ended up needing to refer me to a shoulder specialist who "focuses only on doing shoulder surgeries". and i'm thinking, who said anything about having surgery?? fuckity fuck fuck. NO MORE SURGERY. i can't take any more fucking surgeries, arthroscopy or otherwise. my appointment with the specialist is on wednesday. "in the meantime", the nurse told me this morning, "we've called in some pain medication for you". without me needing to ask. yay darvocet! it ain't vicodin, but it'll do. just in time too. i took my last valium and my last percocet yesterday following a late afternoon emotional meltdown of apocolyptic proportions. one good thing about being broken up is, you lose your appetite *and* you get to binge on pills. and alcohol.

Sarah. Have you ever tried magnets? I hurt my lower back some time ago, and the only thing that worked for me, was the magnets. The best ones out there are from a company called...NIKKEN... and I swear by them. You might want to give this a try...plus a few more drinks.... :>) Wishing you well.

i keep magnets on my refrigerator to hold photos to it. my refrigerator partially is made out of an alloy of elements that are magnetic. my body, however, is slightly anemic and probably quite low on iron. and while i admit i am no expert on anatomical atomic magnetics, i haven't uncovered any scientific evidence of magnets repairing torn connective tissues. therefore i am going to hold off on magnets for now and stick to darvocet and perhaps consider physical therapy, but thanks for the suggestion.

My dad did a magnet thing like what Dodi is talking about. It didn't actually repair anything, but it helped with some pain or something or other.

my brother's girlfriend, k, has a friend, l, who is a bit of a wimp and a hypochondriac. l was complaining about having a migraine but k gets real migraines so she knows that people who don't get migraines have no idea what they're all about. anyway, k offered to give l a pill that she takes for her migraines but said not to take the whole thing because they're very powerful and will make her feel loopy if she takes too much. l broke the pill into quarters and took one of the fragments. within about 20 minutes her pain was gone and she was acting all goofy, just like she'd been warned about. the pill was one of the fake birth control pills that come in the package of 28.

Your welcome sarah!

I know someone like that too. I get migraines. You know what infuriates me? OTC pain relievers with the word "Migraine" tacked on to the end of it. Motrin Migraine. Excedrin Migraine. If you compare the active ingredients and their dosages to regular old Motrin or Excedrin, what do you find? It's the same fucking pill! I've got one of those nifty injectors for when I get 'em.

but the instructions say "take 3" instead of "take 2". so, you know, it's different. stop with the critical thinking already, mr literal.

They do? Well, shit. My mistake. I've been suffering needlessly.

I sometimes get headaches that last for several days. The pain is not *that* bad, and it goes around my head like a crown -- across my forehead, behind my ears, to the base of my skull -- all around my head. Sometimes, though, it's located in the traditional migraine areas -- almost like an arrow through the spot behind my left ear, through the temple/cheekbone, to the inside corner of my eye -- but the pain is very sharp and not at all like the migraine pain my mother has. So I don't know what to make of that. Actuallyk, I haven't gotten any such headaches since I quit my job, so I wonder if they weren't just stress-induced. I have had one ocular, or acephalic, migraine -- that's when you see halos and temporarily lose your vision, but feel no pain. I remember I was in my public library when it happened, and it freaked me out! I suddenly couldn't see in the focal point of my vision -- I could see peripherally, but it was just, like, blank in the center. And then the blankness spread out until I couldn't see at all -- it was just white everywhere. And then it went away.

Seen Bandits? Where someone convinces another guy that he has a brain tumor just by telling him that his brother always complained that he smelled burning feathers, and it turned out to be because of a brain tumor. The aura I get before a migraine is a blind spot in the center of my vision, like you experienced. The brain's ability to fill in the blanks is incredible. I don't usually notice it unless I'm trying to read or look closely at something. After a while, I get flashing, zigzaggy lines in my peripheral vision. Then that all fades away as a lump of cold, heavy pain slides up the base of my skull. I don't get them very often though.

I used to get really bad headaches too. I went to physical therapy for my neck, thinking this was the cause. The therapist told me to see a Dentist, so I did. Infact, I went to several and the majority wanted to do surgery on my jaw. I guess I had beginning signs of TMJ. I did find a very good Dentist and he didn't want to do surgery. I went through braces and they moved my jaw with appliances. Man, what a bitch that was....3 years of torture!! My headaches did get better, so maybe the headaches for you...is your jaw..? I've been told that they could come from food allergies....just a thought. :)

I forgot to mention....."My teeth look great now!!"

my hair looks good now. it's finally getting to the bouncy, wavy, non-prince valiant length that i like. my skin is looking better. i've been washing my face with bar soap. well, kiss-my-face® olive and aloe soap. but the skin improvement could also be from the sun.

i am going crazy again. don't think i've ever been so stressed out. senor's mom is sick, stressful enough. it started getting bad literally right after natalie was born. it has become critical, and now i'm facing about two weeks at home alone with the two kids, nay, BABIES, and back to work full time starting last wednesday, while he goes to st. louis to move her into assisted living which she can't entirely afford so we are going to have to come up with the difference. and i have an appt next week with the same surgeon who repaired my right shoulder and now this time it's my right knee that has been hurting like a motherfucker. i'm trying to lose the extra baby weight as fast as i can (the stress is helpful in this capacity at least) to rectify this knee pain situation, and taking prescription naproxen. then there's the emotional stress of being away from my baby to return to work. and trying to take care of a family with two children under two years old at the same time working full time, that my friends is no easy task in itself. it's all just too much right now. i feel like i'm going to explode. senor is handling it all so well, almost too well really. he's losing some sleep, but he's been able to keep his cool. i have not.

you got a lot on your plate to be sure. i can empathize. try and take a breath and step back and tell yourself youre doing a lot of caregiving right now. it will clear up. at the risk of going off topic ive been thinking a lot about the day to day once the baby is born in feb. how our lives are going to be topsy turvy... on top of how nutty they are now with school, work, loving my woman, taking care of my house etc. throw in a hungry, needy baby....holy shit its overwhelming to think. no doubt ill be in the weeds soon enough....it always gets better. that said, youre in the weeds right now sarah. it will get better. it always does. unrelated.... you guys have any more dialog about the carolinas?

In my mind I'm goin' to Carolina Can't you see the sunshine Can't you just feel the moonshine Ain't it just like a friend of mine It hit me from behind Yes I'm gone to Carolina in my mind Karen she's a silver sun You best walk her way and watch it shinin' Watch her watch the mornin' come A silver tear appearing now I'm cryin' ain't I Gone to Carolina in my mind There ain't no doubt it no ones mind That loves the finest thing around Whisper something soft and kind And hey babe the sky's on fire, I'm dyin' ain't I Gone to Carolina in my mind In my mind I'm goin' to Carolina Can't you see the sunshine Can't you just feel the moonshine Ain't it just like a friend of mine It hit me from behind Yes I'm goin' to Carolina in my mind Dark and silent late last night I think I might have heard the highway calling Geese in flight and dogs that bite Signs that might be omens say I going, going I'm gone to Carolina in my mind With a holy host of others standing around me Still I'm on the dark side of the moon And it seems like it goes on like this forever You must forgive me If I'm up and gone to Carolina in my mind In my mind I'm goin' to Carolina Can't you see the sunshine Can't you just feel the moonshine Ain't it just like a friend of mine It hit me from behind Yes I'm gone to Carolina in my mind Gone to Carolina in my mind Then I'm on to Carolina in my mind Gone to Carolina in my mind Gone - I'm gone - I'm gone Say nice things about me 'Cause I'm gone south Carry on without me 'Cause I'm gone

I guess that was more about me being tanked than Carolina.Sarah I just wish I could give you a big hug,my heart goes out to you.I wish I lived by you,I'd watch those babies in a heartbeat to give you a break.At least I'm good for something,I don't think any of my spawn could have really afforded daycare and I know they appreciate me watching their kids and I love it.Heather and Ryan were only 15 months apart and that was a full time job it's self.It's hard work.

I totally have Prince Valiant hair again, but this time I like it. The stylist made it cute this time. Sarah, I feel for you. When Sem announced he might have 3-4 weeks of fieldwork in Massachusetts I told him I was moving to my mother's (also in MA), which is where I am now. If I had full time daycare, it might have been different but there was no way I could take care of just the one baby, edit my articles for work, and meet my next dissertation "deadline" without some help. Good luck. Do you have a friend that can come over and sit with the kids for an hour or two?

thanks. i totally don't blame you for going to Massachusetts with the baby, and i wish i could do something similar but that's not an option. i have a friend's sister that may be able to help out, but she's a flaky stoner so we'll see... my boss is being a total ass about my request for a modified schedule while senor is out of town. to top it all off today i totally blew my knee out as i was running, literally, because i was late to meet up with someone. i feel sick to my stomach. it seems like we're hitting a bad luck streak and i have this awful feeling that things are going to get worse before they get better.

sarah, don't worry, you will be fine, we all have the same things.

We've had some bad weeks over here too. The good thing about that is that things are bound to get better, right? It gives you something to look forward to. Bad stuff here... 1. Whole family got sick, lingering cough for three weeks. 2. We had to put our dog (my best friend) Truck to sleep because he was suffering horribly from stomach cancer. 3. My mom fell and was in the hospital for a week. 4. Our "new" dog Kitty that we got a year ago has a liver that's shutting down. It's quite possible that we'll lose her too in the near future, although she seems to be responding positively to the sixteen different kinds of pills that we have to shove down her throat twice a day. 5. We're really broke.

I am sorry to hear about that. it is cloudy today and my depression is back , I wasn't happy the whole times, also I am lonesome .

My boys were 18 months apart. When I became a single dad they were 8 and 9. Babies are much tougher. You got my cell Sarah, and tell senor too to call me when he is in town. I will be on west coast until Sat 26th unfortunately.

Yes, I consider myself very lucky to be able to pack up my work computer and camp out at my parents for a few weeks. Very lucky.

I don't suppose your boss who is being an asshole would let you work from home would he?

i think i'm going crazy. for some reason i have started trying to - i don't quite know how to put this - stay in touch with my father. after 20 years of having a virtually non-existent relationship. we're not talking, really: no new emotional bond has formed between us. we have started emailing each other talking about ukuleles. crazy.

that is crazy. patrick, forgot to mention -- the reason senor isn't moving his mom down here for assisted living is because he's pretty sure we'll be moving in the next few years and doesn't want to have to move her down here and then again whenever we move. i know he seriously is considering the research triangle. we just have to wait for a good time to come out and take a look. that could be a while.

If you want serious crazy: http://www.the-isb.com/images/WarriorWisdom03.jpg

the xray of my knee revealed a "lesion" on my femur, completely unrelated to the injury and pain i was feeling. the doc said he was 99% sure it was benign but that the lesion alone was all he needed to see to want to have an mri done. he didn't even bother to ask me how i had injured my knee, because the mri would tell him what he needed to know. the lesion turned out to be nothing, a non-ossified something something something. basically a growth inside the bone that does nothing and causes nothing. ? the mri revealed a torn up meniscus, no surprise there, though he said it wasn't caused by my exercising mishap. said it looked more like it was caused by years of wear and tear, and that it had finally just started to bother me. the injury from last saturday was something else entirely. strained ligaments and bruised up cartilage. i was told to rest and avoid deep squatting. sigh. i think senor will be coming home wednesday. he's been able to get enough done for now, though things with his mom continue to be unpredictable, and she'll require more day to day care than first anticipated. the girls have been amazing. natalie's decided to grow into a perfect 3-naps-a-day schedule early (she's not even 4 months old yet), and a predictable bed time. we've had a few rough nights, but mostly things have gone well. the garbage got taken out, the house is still standing, and i've managed to keep everyone fed, bathed, rested, and alive. except the dogs, i put them in the kennel - i just could not deal with taking care of four babies all by myself. in any case, i'm doing it, i'm getting through it. but i'm exhausted and emotionally worn out.

sarah, i don't know where to start: i am learning some more new words such like "non-ossified " anyway, i am going to check that with dictionary. i hoped you don't mind me asking you a question. how old are you? cause of some concern about knees issues. sometimes people feels uncomfort with their knees due to the cold weather.

sounds like sarah's it need of a champagne jam right now.

Wow, Sarah. Sounds like it was stressful but otherwise a good outcome. Ian has just started crawling - not that good at it, hasn't got off his belly yet. What this means is that I have a lot of work waiting for me when I get back to Columbus in trying to babyproof a 90 year old house...

it's hard to believe, but some time has passed now and things are getting worse. now that i'm faced with the black on white here i can't even find the words to explain it in a way that's not inane. there's nothing i can do to fix it. i've asked senor to away for several days in december since he's got a week off. i'm thinking of taking the girls to hawaii as opposed to sitting around and drinking my way through the holidays. it couldn't be any harder than... than staying home.

Who cares about "inane"? I'll listen.

I'm always up for a little inane. And I think a trip to Hawaii is a really groovy idea.

ditto. nothing inane about boredom, childcare, dogs, winter, Texas. Compared to excitement, beach, sand, dogs, sunshine, island (any). Moma got da blues. Moma not happy, nobody happy.

it aint' momma that's got the blues, it's daddy. and that's why i can't fix it.

bummer. rx blues = beach

the turducken got the flu. puking nonstop yesterday from 5 a.m. til 5 p.m. it was everywhere. we had to throw away our 9x12 living room rug. today a bit better. still feverish but she hasn't puked since about 4 a.m. is 2009 over yet?

26 more days....

I hope she's feeling better Sarah,poor baby.

Awww. How's she feeling now? Time for rug shopping!

Speaking of rugs or carpets ,earlier this year, my brother finally got rid of the living room carpets, I have been telling him that the carpet reeks smell when it comes to humidity weather. I have been taking care of the carpet especially cleaning off the dogs' hair ... and now, my nephew got rid of his bedroom rugs, not sure why. I think he is changing cause, he is no longer a teenager realizing that he is already a grown man. He have been attending community college and took several course, including website programming.

Poor bebe. I destroyed our rug last year. Good times that was.

i lost a dear friend on Sunday. his name is Val. he and i were kayaking buddies. he was there the day i dislocated my shoulder. and he was the one who took charge and helped me. he took me out to dinner that night and reassured me that it'd be okay. twelve weeks ago he was diagnosed with lung cancer. and that was that. he was 46 years old. not yet 40 when i first met him. his girlfriend hates me, but i'm still attending his memorial this weekend. love you, Val. gonna miss you, man.

Oh Sarah I'm so sorry,I'll never get over Brucifer,we were like Forrest and Jenny.Sniff

Wow,Bruce had lung cancer too,faded away as quick,found out right after Thanksgiving and by Feb.6th he was gone.I loved him so very much.

Sarah, I am sorry to hear about it.

I'm sorry to hear that, Sarah. 46 is way too young to go out.

Awful. That sounds like it happened awfully fast- did he ignore symptoms for a while?

I almost went crazy for the last few days. Computer went down yesterday, not sure why? The other weeks ago, on the train,the lady had a "tourette syndrome", she repeats this, as she pucker her lips and said "what", this was repeated during her 34 minutes ride on a commuter train.

Sounds like a thread here or there. If you alkl recall back in 1998 or 2000 or something my boys' step father Bob was diagnosed Jan 26 with Lung Cancer and died within 30 days. Not that you would recall. Just saying that sometimes that's the way I would want to go, quickly, actually, in a instant on instant off train wreck or building collapse. But not drowning in my own fluids as in congestive heart failure. Sorry SaRAH. Remember you are thought of often by many. I looked at Fire Pond the other day. Magnificent still,

Louise, she's all right, she's just near She's delicate and seems like the mirror But she just makes it all too concise and too clear That Johanna's not here Val's memorial was yesterday morning. it was really hard. i wrote that Val's girlfriend hated me, and maybe now, after marriage and kids, i don't blame her. Val was one of those people who i loved instantly. in no particular order heather martin val amber vanessa keith kevin matt joan paula eric and or course, senor. twelve. i guess that's a lot of people to love instantly in one lifetime. i kick a rhyme drinkin moonshine i pour a sip on the concrete, for the deceased but no don't weep we showed up to the memorial only fifteen minutes early. all the seats were taken, and i didn't recognize anyone at first. not until after the memorial begin. the master of ceremony, he looked a hell of a lot like a dude i work with. except hip, wearing a hat with a feather, and talking in a way that resounds. then i noticed in the back row someone who works in the office next to mine. next to her, is a campus principal, next to him, a teacher i know. but i can't make the connection. in my mind, i'm with val, i'm in the river, we're in his truck listening to trance. here's how it resolves. after all these years or marriage and pregnancy and babies, turns out i've been working with Val's brother. and there he is, on stage, paying tribute to one of his four other brothers. the youngest, my friend, my love ... deceased. all these years and i never made that connection. Val's girlfriend, she hated me, and i now i can't face her. and now, after all this time, i guess i don't blame her. i loved Val the moment we met, for reasons i can't explain. i loved Val well before i dislocated my shoulder, well before he took me out to dinner, well before he saved me. it was the moment i laid eyes on him. love at first sight. it can happen. love at first sight can happen even when you are only a disembodied figure. and maybe one of the most important lessons i've learned in my life is that love is at once so mysterious and so concrete and unquestionable. If a man urge me to tell wherefore I loved him, I feel it cannot be expressed but by answering: Because it was he, because it was myself.

it's just a ride and we can change it any time we want

hold your heart courageously as we walk into this dark place Stand, steadfast erect and see that love is the province of the brave

the memory of a lover is like a virgin thrown into the still pond of godfire, to paraphrase Tom Robbins and put my own spin on it...

Agatha,I can't talk for Sarah,but I can talk for Brucifer.Did I mention he never paid taxes? He did a popper on Thanksgiving night back in 2007,gave him a minor heart attack.That poor baby was trying to tie a shoelace to help him lift his foot up.Still trying to avoid the hospital because of his deception with the IRS. Anyway we found out right after that that he had lung cancer. His mom who moved right next door to him would not help him,to this day I resent her.I remember when she kicked him out of her house when he told her he was gay.We were just kids then. What I'm trying to get at is he had a good death.He went out on his terms and rather quickly.Czazina got that through my head and she was right.I loves her.

being loved by sarah is serious business

I love all of you,for about 12 years.My homies,hehe.

damn straight. actually, it's not all serious. sometimes it's kinda funny.

being loved by heather sarah and j is awesome; i can alwas wish...

this is something we all ought to read digest and get vocal about: http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/08/25/building-a-nation-of-know-nothings/ Sorabji Uber Allis!!

ugh. my dear friend Maria's mother passed away last night. she and her husband are heading down to San Salvador for her burial and to be with the rest of their family, while her two kids stay here with us. i'm sad and nervous. these things come in threes, right?

nope *hug*