| THIS IS A READ-ONLY ARCHIVE FROM THE SORABJI.COM MESSAGE BOARDS (1995-2016). |
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does that ever happen you? i'll take physical pain over emotional clusterfucking any day. i hate this. |
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I'm with you, though -- emotional or psychological pain is worse than physical. |
for now i have to be vague. i hate that im such an emotional person sometimes. i go from the sharpest mountains of anger to the lowest gulleys of sadness in a matter of minutes it seems. whats particularly tough are the triggers. the emotional triggers all around me. its like being in a mine field. im sorry. i know this is kinda gay. crypto-ventilation is boring and shit, and who would want to play. im still making sense of it all, so bear with me. |
love, me |
You were there, all Dave Grohl-esque, so Spider and i decided to drive to LA to visit you. Now, i'd been playing "Simpson's Hit and Run" all weekend, so it got pretty fucked up. The game is basically 'Grand Theft Auto' but with Simpsons characters. Great game, btw. So it all turned into a driving video game, with me and Spider tring to navigate the mean and crazy highways and back alleys of california, and when we found YOU i'd turn around and lose HER, get HER and lose YOU, and so on and on it went like that for a good half hour. Then i think we went to a bar. And Spider looked like me, but with brown eyes instead of green. And larger boobs. Yup. feel better, man. |
Here, Patrick, have a picture of Monica Belluci. |
(((((((hugs)))))))) to Patrick. There, I did it. How fucked is that? |
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let's line 'em up, patrick, shall we? |
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you should really do something about those urges agatha. next thing you know, you're going off the emoticon deep end. thats sounds a like a great dream wisper. especially the part about losing one of us everytime you turn around. |
I mean I can...I won't....but I could... ahh shit. :) :) anything for you baby. |
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i feel burned. not as in scammed. just raw. blistered. its very cold and dark where i am now. i don't have any doubts i will find my way out. i have to. but i thought, perhaps it was time to lay it out. things have unraveled expeditiously in the last 72 hours....more so than i thought, in a manner than I would rather avoid. Its sad when someone you love seem to choose visciousness and distrust when warmth and honesty have gotten you so far. emotional amnesia. Like the adage goes...sometimes we harm the hand to stop the pain in the foot or something like that. Naturally the sadness is there. I don't cry as much as I did a few weeks ago. The sadness has taken up residency now and simply weights me down. Sometimes I forget that its there. But it is. I just wanted to express my love for a lot of you here, and that some of the first people I came calling on, are here and I think that says a bit. I'll be around. |
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it's bad now. it's gonna be bad for a while then it'll get better. give it time. don't make any rash decisions and don't burn any bridges. eva needs you and nico. be strong and positive for her, even when it seems like you're the only one trying. lyrics and literature are bloated with tales like yours. i say that that not to diminish what you're feeling but to remind you that you're not alone. in fact, you're in some damn good company. lots of room for improvement if you allow it. |
it seems to be the season for badness. |
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would you believe me patrick if i told you that i feel your pain? i really do, i know how much you are hurting. it makes you stronger blah blah blah time has to pass blah blah blah everything happens for a reason blah blah blah it's all true and it's all bullshit. all i can say is this: one day at a time, one hour at a time, one moment at a time. whatever it takes. oh, and don't forget to keep breathing. |
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right now...im mostly bewildered. there was an agreement to be married. canceled. there was an agreement to separate slowly, measuredly, not rocking the boat. give space, allow freedom, begin to redefine while holding the fort down. financially things would become clearer in the next few months. now thats cancelled. i sought my space. found some. now im unfair. im seeing some studios in koreatown. i even have a phone interview with a LA Unified School District official today regarding a teaching position at a local high school. Do you know how thrilling that prospect is to me? I appreciate your support. Being told repeatedly, everything, everyone is saying is a good and necessary thing. |
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I'm so sorry. Babies are really hard on relationships, but also in my opinion the absolute best reason to try to work it out. Hope Nico realizes this, and it sounds like you already do. |
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The school teacher idea sounds really fantastic and positive. Good luck on that. Patrick, we're all here for you. although if you post any weepy, horrible poetry, I'm going to kick your ass. |
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sem, if i start with the silly ass poetry...you do have my advance permission to do me in. |
as if there's ever ENOUGH! |
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chin up, love. |
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HOWEVER,I AM UPSET THAT THEY ARE LIVING LARGE. |
I OUGHT TO FONG THEIR ARSE. I OUGHT TO TELL THEM THAT THE EQUIPMENT NEEDED TO BE REPAIRED. I OUGHT TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT THEM FOR BETRAYAL OF FRIENDSHIP WITH ME. I OUGHT TO LAY MY THIRD FINGER AT THEM. YOU KNOW WHO EVER I SPOKE TO THEM(HUMAN RESOURCE) ABOUT MY RESIGNATION, THEY DIDN'T TELL ME THEIR NAME IN ORDER FOR ME TO SENT THEM MY RESIGNATION LETTER, HOWEVER A LADY WHO TOOK MY CALL AND WHEN I ASKED THAT PERSON FOR A NAME SO THAT I CAN SEND THE RESIGNATION LETTER, SHE SAID "EITHER THEM OR ME". I OUGHT TO FONG THEM, BUT ONE OF FOUR OR FIVE . THEIR NAME IS M HERSHEY, E KASER, B PAVLICK, J HORTON AND J CARLSON. IT WASN'T EASY TO GET OVER WITH THIS, WHEN I HAVE A RECURRING MEMORY, IT MAKING ME SO ANGRY,WHY!!!!!! I OUGHT TO FONG THEIR ARSE..THEY FIRED MY SUPERVISOR G RUDY...... THEY .... I THINK THEY DID A DIRTY JOB IN FINDING A WAY TO GET RID OF ME.....I OUGHT TO FONG THEIR ARSE......WHY I OUGHT TO...... WHY THEY CAN'T LISTEN WHEN MY EQUIPMENT MALFUNCTION...... HOW AM I GET OVER WITH THIS?????? IT IS A DIRTY JOB, BUT SOMEBODY GOT TO THAT AWWW FUCK MAN.......... SHAME ON YOU RTC INDUSTRIES! |
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Good god, I bet you are the kind of person who still isn't speaking to so-and-so from first grade who took too bigger bite out of your lunch. fuckwit. |
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cocksucker motherfuckers. |
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let the cockcuckers cannibalize themselves to non-existence. |
let the cockcuckers cannibalize themselves to non-existence. |
It's all been bothering me. |
let bother ye no more. |
im trying to extract the lessons. im trying to distract my mind. i've never... ever did i imagine. she spends nights with him almost regularly now. while that.... was part of the plan implimented 2 or so months ago...its ... h a r d. it so so so so so hard. upon arriving in atlanta in feb for my grandfather's funeral, walking in from the airport, i practically run to my grandmother. she embraces me and whispers "its sooo hard patrick...its so hard". i hear her a lot now. I need to call her but i cant tell her. she doesnt need to know. she, her nearly 70 year marriage was my benchmark. forget it. im putting to death a part of me and its unbearable. yesterday I assisted for this cat seeing his images of Kidman, made me think of heather. i need distractions like that. pretty women and fantastic photographers who use old school hollywood lighting that give me aesthical erections. i think i have my own apartment lined up. im trying not to lose it. id love to see you. |
even though sweaterboy homewrecker needs a good asskicking. even though they're over there being all happy in spite of everything. even though it would feel so good to get drunk and just go fucking berserk. just focus on yourself and eva. cut them out of your life to the greatest possible extent. get all of her stuff out of your face as soon as possible. feel sorry for them, not yourself. |
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my best interest for eva, or so i think, would be to somehow limit his involvement with her, but i cant, without taking the gloves off and its been made clear, if i take the gloves off, shes going to go kim jong ill on me...right or wrong. doesnt matter. by that i mean...if i make a move, to shore up my forces along her the 180th parallel, shes going to the launch nukes regardless. the landscape would be made worse for ALL involved and I dont want to do that. im totally taking the high road. her actions, now, speak loudly. shes being dishonest with her family about what she is doing. With a granddaughter in the mix, that cant, and wont bode well. im just trying to adjust. to adapt. i said early on and still believe that this is making me a better father. I see that on nights im out, i come home, the house is practically frazzled and babies cant sleep. I came home last night after working 14+ hours on a photo shoot, supposedly baby is struggling to sleep...i put her down in about a minute 30. shes naive, she has no idea what a seperation can do to a child, even though the child is young and wont remember it. 2-4 years down the road, things will matter. she seems to think eva has this cosmic understanding of what is transpiring between us, and that we are far from any kind of modern family and that its all right. she insists things are all but over with us, but rather we are doing what needs to be done at this mile marker. its pussy, and easy to say when you are getting what you want, complete with rebound lover and all. like i said, i try and find comfort in the fact that what she is doing is spiritually and morally bankrupt and there will be a price that she will pay. not for wanting to seperate but moving so quickly, with little consideration for her daughter. its just clearing the hurt and making the right decisions. |
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I did that once when I was twenty. I still feel guilty about it. Patrick, you need to get yourself a lawyer right now. It will make things go much more smoothly in the long run. Come visit us, too. |
there isnt any divorce. right now, its nothing but an agreed upon seperation. in her mind, she isnt rebounding because shes been 'done' with me for a long time. depending on how angry she is with me at any given time, is how long she likes to say shes been 'done' with me. the other night it was 3 weeks after we started dating. other times its been 5 years ago, sometimes, its been in the last year. Who knows what the truth is. 'morally bankrupt' is exactly the term ive been using a lot lately agatha. if i get a lawyer now , she's going to clusterfuck the entire landscape of our relationship, right or wrong. shes not thinking straight, shes being emotionally selfish right now and not putting her daughters best interests in front of her own. she's said that outright. granted, she thinks she needs to be selfish for the short term, to be th ebest for eva in the long term (re: money from her start ups). we'll see. in her mind, she has been selfless in a relationship with me, for so long, that somehow, her behavior now, is justified. like, shes earned this. whatever. its slamming me in the face because i somewhat ignored the subtle unhappiness she conveyed for so long, that when it finally came to bubble, combined with her obsession with her work she's manifesting it all, in this other guy. he represents a key cog to the success of her business, something ive been viewed as deadweight because i resented how much she worked and how the attention i got from her dwindled. he is also bringing her passion, she says, something she hasnt felt for me in a long time either. th epoor fucker doesnt realize. moreover, im not sure what kind of calibre of a guy swoops in, sleeps with a woman who is still legally married with a 16 month old daughter. real stand up guy. shes chosen to focus and embrace all the bad things about our existence together. shes cherry-picking what she can to rationalize and justify how she is behaving. its actually quite sad. she's resorted to calling me 'lonley' 'sad' 'pathetic' and that everyone we know thinks im spiraling downward. all claws for sure. she likes to refer to this panel of 'everyone' to bring me down a notch. 'everyone' thinks you're sad' 'everyone' thinks you need help. it hurts to be sure. but i more sure that its pretty pussy of her because if shes talking about me, to her girlfriend, or sweaterboy or any mutual friends we still keeo, who are they to disagree with any picture she is painting? of course they will at least tacitly agree with her. how silly. for now...i dont see an immediate danger to eva. i have noticed eva behaving more aggressively and thats because the house has been extremely tense in the last month or two. Im not out to make things worse, not now. my job is to try and keep shit calm, for now and get into my new place. Im also out in the open about this shit now. she may even be privy to sorabji and making note, but ive said nothng here, that I havent said to her. |
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she. get mad. at you. she just wants every little ol' thing, doesn't she? dude, believe me -- when she's ready for the divorce, you'll know all about it right away quick. you're right there so obviously you know best but it seems prudent to at least consider it. i would be beside myself knowing that my child support payment or alimony payment or whatever was going towards tipping their waiter at their nice, romantic dinner. that's the shitty thing about the legalities of this stuff. you clearly want to help support the child but you know some portion of your money is finding its way into the hands of the new boyfriend(s). it's like he's fucking the both of ya. gah. i'm all pissed off and it isn't even happening to me. i'm just saying make it happen on your terms or it will happen on her terms. |
I'm not sure I understand why there is no divorce. As weird as it made some aspects of my childhood, I'm glad my parents split when they did. It was better than hearing them yell at each other. And you may want to at least talk to a lawyer. It'd be good to be prepared if she springs it on you. She doesn't have to know about it yet. I hope she will realize that lashing out at you isn't going to make things any better for her. I hope you find some peace. |
the original plan was to seperate, see other people, have shared custody and gain more respect for each other. i believe that could happen. im just more guarded now by what happens with eva and reserve the right to take action if i see shit going on that is totally fucked up and isnt stopped. i know im somewhat vulnerable. |
t boner |
if it all goes yippy skippy, then no big deal. if it doesn't and she gets a lawyer, you'll be prepared when they try to nail you for backdated support payments. |
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you're still an ass, but i appreciate the support. |
Please do see a lawyer. You don't have to tell her anything about it. I don't know what else to say, but man, I'm pulling for you. Peace be with you. |
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im an emotional wreck. from her standpoint, im harrassing to her, as i struggle to understand, to accept and t cope. she got the live work space. im not sure how she is going pay for it. the sweaterfuck is leasing 'office' space within for a portion of the rent. shes viscious because she thinks im coping wth this badly. shes in denial. shes overly stressed. trying to overachieve with her work. more later. eva beckons. |
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And re:lawyers--I concur, you should probably consult one to be prepared. Also documenting is a great goodness. Be well. |
thanks kids. |
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Hang in there. Kazu and I think about you and we want to come visit the left coast sometime in the next couple years. |
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Every dime of support that you give her should be paid in Postal money order with "child support" written in the memo section of the money order. You need to protect YOURSELF before she eventually fucks you royally. Any clothing, toys, food, medical bills, etc...etc...that you pay for your Daughter needs to be documented and EVERY receipt needs to be kept. Sitting back and doing nothing will bite you in the ass before you know it. Sometimes keeping the peace is the worst thing you can do. Protect your own ass. Just my opionion. Good luck and I wish the best for you and Eva. |
can we let this thread die....for a week or more? thanks kids. Oops....I didn't see that part..sorry. |
the coming of fall the mere hint of it used to make me so happy revitalized now and as I recall in recent years thats not the case in CA its less dramatic than in the east in the east mornings you always seem to hear the sound of freight trains and autos on a neaby freeway with more clarity the crisp air seems to deliver sound with greater efficiency the fall always brought lots of positive energy halloween, my birthday, new school clothes light jackets and kissing cigarettes smoke better with a chill in the air dont ask me why but now no melancholy gloom nothing in particular its like a glaze has been poured over me im sorry for it last night after child went to bed i went to do some cleaning starting with the car did i tell you about the underwear i found in the car no not mille nico no not mine no not evas no not hers it was tucked in the crook of evas car seat clearly covering a spill of some sort boys underwear filled with holes tears and clearly worn for quite sometime fucking nasty thoughts of nice and classy came to mind i intend to give them back to her ask her if its a new line of underwear it was like a free make someone feel utterly stupid coupon was given to me enjoy at your own leisure i will so I unloaded all of her clothes shit that has occupied the trunk for weeks despite my repeated requests to remove it samples and crap she clearly tried to sell nice new clothes tagged and everything just thrown in what the hell who cares whatever it all went in a box in the garage with all of her other shit she enjoyed the convenience of leaving going through the console and glove box doing an initial shit removal as a first step towards selling the car i uncovered lots of triggers directions to this party brochures from this place we visited monterey bay aquarium. anniversary even a couple of random pictures of when we were together and liked each other and were actually a brilliant couple we were really good man a really good couple we thrilled ourselves we socially engaged like no other kept eyes for each other like no other expelled moments of craft only couples can enjoy the pictures i found were of a company christmas party about 8 9 years ago there we were dolled up looking good through the japanese point and shoot i think we fucked in the bathroom later that night after drinking expensive champagne on a company dime i sat back after disassembling the car seat to give it a good wash and looked at her the honda it was our first and only brand new car we bought and paid for together its a great car I love it I will miss it One more bulk item from the era of togetherness on the chopping block i looked at the title i noticed the line where we will sign it to the next person patrick and nicole morrison will no longer own this car the god damn air the santa ana conditions though the wind wasnt present last nigh has really messing with me this morning on the way to work i let go of some pinned up liquids theyve been meaning to get out and i was content to let them to go i cant help but feel she strayed either she doesnt know who she is now or she hasnt known who she is all these years and likewise ive sorta been on autopilot all the while coasting along creating little to no friction or trying to at least im sad for her im scared for her what are you thinking i want to say come home you're lost but i know those thoughts are in vain but part of me envisions a day where she loses it and no one knows her like i do no one no live in sweater boys no other family no one i realized part of me still flickers for her that if on one crisp fall morning if she were to come to me tears streaming the barn door eyes to her mind wide open admitting so much wanting the familiar knowing she strayed and allowing me begin i might let her in am I NUTS no just wiggling out of passionate decade like a pair of fitted jeans on a summer day it takes a second |
I'm not being nosey and intrusive...I'm just curious. |
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i know you were going all freeform but at least drop some periods on the shit. hang in there, charlie brown. |
