Hello brethern and sistern. Its me, the Archbishop of Funk and Star Spangled Impresario of Sleaze. I'm at Crimsons place and there are these people screwin and they sound real funny. We're having a big laugh at their expense. Its always funny til your the one every body is laughing at and then its a scream. I have been busy lately but still bored. So the Archbishop is taken questions. Whatever you wanna ask me. But dont go being a wiseass about it I mean don't ask me the fuckin theory of relativity or something like that. Silly happy stupid fluffy questions. Things I mite be able to answer in one milion words or less. Or just say something to me like hello. When we greet each other its only one letter off from HELL Sartre says hell is other people and man the guy aint joking. Excapt for yall you are not hell you like ice cream bars in hell. A good thing. My folks let me have wine tonite and I think I got too much in me I got the giggles.

when are you going to have some mp3's available for us to all hear?

Whats your favourite food? The food you could munch out on and never get sick of no matter how much you had?

The mp3 has to wait until we like write some songs. We got songs but nothing real great to record I've been doing gospel music too but I want to get back to the band thing. My bands been real busy with other stuff so we don't get to play much right now. But we will. I want to get beter on bass. My fave food is these burgers that Crimson fixes they are cookd in whisky and garlic and onions. For non meat stuff its mashed potates with brown gravy. I also like fryed okra and jalapeno corn bread but only if it's not all dryed out. A good batch of corn bread is a art form. I'm a home cookin kind of guy. Can't cook but I can eat it all day long. I used to sneek into this truck stop I knowed a lady there who would some times cook for me in the middle of the nite and give it to me free. Best food ever. She had a tatoo of a cartoon cat on her arm and her bra strap was always busted.

It's always fun when the neighbors screw......I love listening to women come----

DAMMIT..I wanna hear neighbors screwing. Often i think it just the opposite. Actually we have an ongoing thing with a peeping neighbor. we think he may even be stalking my neighbor. my neighbor found an odd note on his door about riding his exercise bike in the nude and turning the video in to the cops...which is odd, because this particular neighbor lives across the street , in a house, he would have to be looking 3 stories and almost break neck up to see in Jeff's window. This guy is a 40 something who lives with his mother (RED FLAG!!!). We found him in the bushes repeatedly, and he keeps putting up this notice in our lobby and wash room "GOOD NEWS: PHOTOS OF A POTENTIAL PEEPING TOM/BURGLER HAVE BEEN GIVEN TO THE LAPD" thats it. the manager said she didnt authroize any such letter and knows nothing about it. There is a case mounting. Hey Cap..whats it look like where you live? Do you have a creek near by where you hang around? I would love to see a landscape photo of where you live. Im terribly bias about Arkansas, simply because i have never been. I'd love to see a picture.

if you died and reincarnated as an animal, what would you be and why?

I'd come back as a pamperd kitty or a toy breed dog. Some thing that can be petted and loved all day long. Like a fluffy animal that lives with some nutty old bat who feed it grade A steaks and lets it sleep in her bed wile she rocks it in her wrinkely old arms and sings crazy little songs to it. I would serve no bigger purpis than being loved day in and day out forever. Patrick I live in the mtns. lots of forests and stuff. Between here and the OK line it flatens out but here in the ozark it is high rock cliffs and woods, when you are outside the citys. Very rocky ground thats hard to farm on. Tall cliffs and caves and some springs. We are near Oklahoma and Missouri both. And Kansas is just a short drive. Crimson been looking for real estate all day she may be moven a little closer to OK.

if you could play any instument in the world, but it had to be a drum, what style of music would you play? what would you title your autobiography? what makes the best climbing tree?

I'd be a rock drummer or play for a Pentecostal church band same diff. I would call my autobiography Love Letters From Captain Benteen or maybe America's Favrite Teenage Fag Speaks Out On Morals And Vibraters. An oak is a good climbing tree a thousand squirls cant be wrong.

What's the nicest/happiest dream you ever had? What scares the pants off you, besides lightning?

my autobiography will be titled "faute de mieux."

Mine would be titled "American Waste".

Mine could be titled "How I Got Over," or "The Attic Life." Capt. Benteen, where art thou?

I'm here. I had a happy dream once that my family was normal specialy my Mamma she lookt good and was wearing a fancy dress and she loved us kids and it was like a 50s TV show. Then I woke up cause my big bro was trying to strangel me in my sleep. My Mamma is pretty even now that shes geting older she has dark hair and eyes and you can tell that shes Indian. My father is all skinny like a tooth pick and has ugly ass jail house tatoos. The thing that scares the pants off me is bullys. Not just the school kind of bully but the grown up ones too. I've got beat up by adult bullys and school ones and I hate being around that kind of people. Church scares me because of hell it give me real nitemares but I also like some parts of church. I am not sure where I stand on the church thing yet.

what are your favorite breeds of dogs? what are some artists that you like? do you crumple or fold? what type of insult do you have for dave?

I like weenie dogs and Old English Sheepdogs. Little fluffy lap dogs too. I saw a lady with a chihuahua in her purse it was so cute it just went riden around like it was supose to be there. For art I like Dali and Kandinsky and Man Ray and for earlyer stuff Bosch is cool and William Blake thanx Crimson for helpin me spell there names and chihuahua too. Matta too which is one Crimson turnd me on to and DiChirico. I fold very neatly for easy storage. For Dave I have no insults but if I was going to insult some one else kinda like Dave I would say he was a cum belching gutter slut.

uhm, isn't crumple or fold a 'how do you wipe your ass' question?

right now i think i'll title mine "the portland chalker". . .that sounds like a band name or a newspaper or something.

why you little. . .!!!

Old English Sheepdogs, West Highland Terriers, Scottish Terriers, Collies. Van Gogh, Monet. Crumple. My girlfriend folds, perfect little squares -- weird. Dave, here goes: Your mama's so ugly, your father's breath smells like shit 'cause he'd rather kiss her ass.

Do you drink? and if so what kind of preference do you have? I know your not of that age to begin drinking yet and well to be honest I hope you don't drink, but I wonder if you do drink at all even if its very rarely do you prefer something like beer ( do you prefer domestic, or something a little more expensive and well brewed) or liqure, jack and coke, rum and coke, shots? Or are you more of a wine person?

I'm thirsting for an ice-cold Jack and Ginger right now. Haven't had one of those in a dog's age. Wonder if they'd mind here if I had a liquid lunch?

I'm not big into drinking I like razberry wine but I like whisky and coke more than any wine. Beer some times too but I never had fancy stuff til recent I like dark beer. Some times like just plain old beer. But, I am not much of one to drink. Like once a month or so I get it in my head that some beer would be nice or some kind of alchohol. Id like to try difrent kinds of fancy cock tails just to see what they taste like. I have had tom colins and zombie and margeritah. I have drunk to sickness before when I was just a kid and it was awful.

what's your favorite smell?

My favorite smell is Dorians skin. When he holds me I put my head down by his neck and I can smell his hair and skin and its so warm and good. Other stuff I like the smell of is clean clothes and this insense that Crimson gave me that I burn in my room. And vanella. I like the smell of any thing vanella.

My favorite perfumes on a woman are Poison & Opium. Nothing like nibbling on a furry little neck where one of those has been sprayed.

I think Poison is cloying. I like Coco Chanel and this new scent from Gucci called Rush or Crush, but only after it's died down a bit. For men, I like Cool Water. My favorite scents are honeysuckle at night, burning leaves, and tennis balls.

its Rush, and the wife goes through bottles of that shit like water. my fav stuff for men is Gucci Envy...

It's good, though. Don't you like it?

yeah i do as far as perfumes go. i like other smells on her better, naturally.

Some times Dorian wears coloan. It is real good but not as good as how he smells just natural. I have a little botle of Farenhite and wear that some times. I have Poison for when I am in drag or Caesars Woman or Champane or Paloma Picasso those were all give to me by an old drag queen a long time ago. I am thinken of getting some more manly scent for dates so, what would smell real good on a 15 year old smartass?

no offense to ya'll but the only biography i'd want to read is oswald's. are you really who you say you are? sometimes it's hard to believe. start writing.

the "maxim's pour homme" that you keep sneaking from your daddy smells pretty nice on you, cap'n.

i wear cool water. only because someone gave it to me. i guess i'm not too smell conscious. when i was younger girls used to tell me they loved the way i smell. "yeah? it's old spice".

I am trying to write a diary on line but it is real hard cause Crimsons comp. is messed up and that site makes it crash. I am who I say I am but I wish I was more exciting some times. I want to start writing but not sure where to start. I do not want to talk about my birth family by name or any one else by name I do not know where to begin. Some days I want to write about feelings and some days about people or about my own opinion on stuff cause I have opnions on every thing under the sun.

A bottle of Old Spice and a bottle of Bay Rum is really all a man needs.

a small amout of b.o. is always good. not an overwhelming stench, but knowing that this man sweats makes the world more real. 'course, that would be just customers with oil underneath their fingernails at the moment. dill weed. fresh peas. oranges. a small fume of gasoline being poured into the tank. cookies. shampoo.

i had a girlfriend that used to be the manager at one of the make-up counters in Macy...she literally gave us a duffle bag about 3 years ago full of stuff. I've got smelly shit to last me the next 10 years incliding the lotions and aftershave balms. i rarely put stuff smelly stuff on either...and the mrs. likes MY smell the best and vice versa...as it should be.

Fahrenheit is pretty good -- has a kind of apple smell. And Polo's not bad if you're in the mood for smelling like a pine forest. I can't really get into Cool Water, I've got it here, but I don't like it on myself. I also used to like some lemony smelling perfume I got in France, but can't find it anymore. I've got one called Nea which is nice, kind of feminine. Yes, Pez, I too love the smell of gasoline.

I started wearing cool water when a friend gave me a bottle of it, I like the smell of the stuff and so does my girlfriend... I also wear some fahrenheit once in a while I like the smell of that too.

Dorian came by last nite his folks were argueing it made him afraid cause his folks don't do that very much. It was about money and Dorian thinks going to colage will cost them money. Its not time for him to be going yet but he does not want to leave me here the school his folks pick out for him is out of state. So I give him kisses and tell him not to worry about that stuff just live for now and know that I love him. He talked to my folks too and they were tryen to help him. Dorian is kind of like family now my folks like him a lot. I never seen him worryed before. He thinks its his foult that his folks are not geting along.

Every body is worryed about money now its not just Dorians folks. Auntie Crimson is going nuts with the mortgage stuff and all this money shit and she is afraid they will not aprove her for a loan anyway its enuf to give a person a mygrain. I hope I can get a little pocket money cause Dorian is always taken me out and I should take him out more. Plus theres some goth clothes I want but I should be good cause my folks are having a hard time with money too. God I wish we were rich.

I wish we were rich, too. Speaking of goth clothes, go home and take a look on your bed. You might find a surprise there, Cap'n.

My folks are the gratest! They are so cool! I saw this goth coat I wanted in the mall it was real shiny and cool and I could not afford it at all. I realy liked it a lot its all long and black and shiny. Well that nite after we got home from the mall the folks said they were going out for a burger but they did not they went to the mall instead and put that coat on lay away for me! It's not xmas or my birthday or anything. They just got it for the hell of it. This is so cool. I love them an awful lot. They are the best!

I hung out with my friends and Violet had me get all dresed up in goth gear and my new coat and she did my make up. She use lots of eye liner. Dorian said I lookd real hot and he went home and put on goth stuff and Violet and Keota did too but then we had no place to go cause the mall is closed down and we could get beat up. So my folks take us all out to eat at this place out of town and then we go shoping at this all nite store. The truckers sure kept starin at us when we had dinner but this one ugly ass trucker shoots me a wink I think he wanted some. There are more queer truckers than you think.

Someone has to be putting up all those propositions on the walls of stalls in the truck stops. Here's my question for the Cap'n/archbishop: If you could go around the world in 80 days, what route would you take? Also: Hostess or Little Debbie's? and: Where is your favorite place to be outdoors? Please continue rocking our faces, sir.

I'd go by way of Canada just cause I want to see it and after that then to the UK cause I hear its cool there except the goths are stuck up. I would not go by the north and south pole they are hard to travel on but I'd like to see penguens some day. Hostess beats Little Debbie's my fave place to be outdoors is in my back yard and there are places in the ozark nationtal forest that are real super nice. I will continue rocking peoples faces cause that is my job. Sem Im real glad you are back. Huzzah!

Thank you, it's good to be back, I just flew in from Pittsburgh and man are the little wings on my feet tired!

did you have fun, hermes? what would you ydo if you accidentally locked yourself out of the house?

I did that before. I broke in thru a window but then got afraid and back out when I hear Pilate pull up cause I was still new in the house and did not want him to think I was a real theif. This was befoare he was my Daddy. I told him about it later and he want to know just how I broke in and he fix it so no one can do that again and he had a new key made up and it is out side in a secrat place that only we know about. When he give me the key to his house I knew he trust me for real and it meant a lot to me. Last nite Pug and Crimson go to this town party it was just awful lame. I was in the mall and met these girls who come up and said my outfit was cool then I see them out at the party and Pug and Crimson are maken film and geting young people to act a fool on camra theyre the only fun thing. This area is real mixd up. In the main town they got snowd out for new year day so they wait til last nite to have the big party and fire works. Happy New Year but its fuckin March you know. It was a drag and the teens (and Pug and Crimson too) were boared out of there minds. Now it is April Fool Day and I gotta think of a bigass joke to pull on my family or my day will not be compleat. Oh yeah I havent forgot you Pez I'm sorry its taken me a while to email back.

I never lock myself out of anything anymore, I am super careful about that. Also, I carry spare keys just in case. Anyone who doesn't is asking for trouble. You live in a strange place, Oswaldo.

Strange doesnt even begin to cover it, only this place would have New Years Day in March and expact every body to go along with it like its normal. Lots of folks had Mardi Gras beads too every thing was all mixd up and Pug had a santa hat. The fire works were very pretty it was a huge display. The pieces of fire works came down in the air still burning and almost put the trees on fire.

I am not surprised by that. I just thought about R. C. Where has she been? I think she should be right here talking to the Cap'n.

Every body should be right here talking to the Cap'n. I sat up with Crimson and Pug to watch the film they shot at the New Years party and it was cool. There was tons of kids bitchen about how much it sucked. Those kids were real cool all teenagers. It made me wish they were my friends but their parants probly wouldn't let me hang with them anyway. I couldnt visit most people I knew in school cause their folks would not let me since I came from a bad family. Other kids lifes seem so diffrant from mine.I feel like I am out of touch I feel like I will nevar be normal. Those kids did not have to be homeless did not have to get raped they have nice places to live and part of me wants to be like that and part of me wants to burn down those nice houses and make every body feel what I felt. but I am not like that I want to be friends with those kids but I know that even if they liked me there moms and dads would not and I feel like I am just looking at them thru a glass I can't get into their world and they can not come into mine. The Bible says that a great gulf is fixed between heaven and hell and no one can pass from one to the other and I feel like a gulf is also fixed between me and normal people and I can not get past. I want to talk about things most people my age do not talk about I want to live a life they dont under stand I want to rule the world and they want tickets to a Britney Spears show. But they get to be right all the time cause theyre normal. I hate their stupid shalow little world but I wish I could be friends with them too I wish I could tear down their nice houses with my bare hands but also wish they would let me come inside and visit now isn't that screwed up.

I feel beter now than when I wrote that stuff above. I don't know if I am jealis of other kids or if I would go nuts if I had to live like they do. They live in a world I don't under stand. I KNOW that no body's parants are as cool as mine at least around here my folks let me do a lot of stuff other kids can not. Dorian comes from a rich family and he know exactly what I am talking about and I wonder how or why he under stands me. When I see kids who got it easy I feel something inside like I wish they didnt have it so easy. I'd like to see if they survive when Mommy and Daddy and the nice house and all the nice shit is taken away from them. Just like in the Bible book of Job take every thing away from them and see if they make it. I know Dorian would survive it cause he is very strong inside. Some of these other kids I think theyd crack. Anyway I also been thinken about how its probaly a good thing that I droped out of school I could not have stood another day of it. Home schooling is much much beter I am improving every day. I did good in all my subjects last week and I am making progres in spelling and I got 100% on all my vocab words for the last week. I rock.

Keep studying the vocab, kid----you'll be able to bake people's cerebellums in ten different languages.

those kids are missing out.

The Faux New Year's shindig was okay in that we met those kids and they were a lot of fun. Don't worry, Cap'n----the likes of you will bridge the gap.

the norse gods had a rainbow bridge to the regular world.

The New Years thing was pretty sucky except for meeting those kids. The paper says the party was a real hit but there wasnt hardly any body there and, the ones that were there were bored as hell. I know this girl who won't say animals die she says they cross the rainbow bridge. Is that from the norse gods? I never knew where she got that stuff from. She say that her Poodle crost the rainbow bridge but he realy got ran over by a Jeep.

i believe so. brave warriors who died in battle (preferably while singing the praises of their foe) crossed the rainbow bridge to valhalla, the hall of the warriors where there was eternal feasting.

"She say that her Poodle crost the rainbow bridge but he realy got ran over by a Jeep." That's freakin' hilarious. Oswald, you ever read the comic "Johnny the Homicidal Maniac" by Jhonen Vasquez? It's pretty violent but I think that the strong underlying message is one you would identify with. The bound collection just came out, pretty good. You should check out the "Squee!" collection by the same artist.

I seen that one. But only one time its real cool. I saw it around the same time that I started geting into Hothead Paisan most comics are still hard for me to read but I do it any way. I wish I could draw I would draw real dark sick comics I think it would be a blast.