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My Mom and I have not talked in almost 2 years. On January 17th of this year, my Sister calls me and says...Danette, you need to fly up here because Mom is dying. So, I catch the next flight out of Tampa to New York and I arrive at the hospital at around 3:00am. There lies my 63 year old Mom at 88 pounds...blue and purple in color. I was informed that she was in end stage lung disease...COPD...from 50+ years of smoking. The next day she was put on life support with a ventilator (sp?) and a feeding tube going down her throat. She remained that way for the next 8 days. The doctor finally comes in and asks my Mom who was semi alert if she wanted to be taken off life support and pass away comfortably or if she wanted surgery to have a tracheotomy put in her throat in which she would basically be bed ridden, catch infections and be dead in 6-9 months. She chose the surgery. So for almost 3 weeks I lived at the hospital with her. I got sick the day after I arrived from Florida. I carried her from the bed to the toilet. Cleaned her. Washed her. Loved her. Took care of her 24/7. They decided that she would have to go to a respiratory rehabilitation center , which is basically a nice meaning of nursing home. I asked if I could take her home to Florida with me and because of the tracheotomy, I was not permitted to take her home with me. While I was there, Mom and I would talk alot at night. She can no longer talk so it was me talking and her writing to me in a notebook the whole time. We talked about alot of things. Her abusing me my entire childhood was the main topic. But I didn't go home to NY to talk with her....I went because she was dying and I felt a need to say goodbye to my Mother. now I'm home back in Florida and I have this terrible, awful. sick feeling of guilt. I don't know why. I can't explain it to myself or anyone else. By having that surgery, she bought herself about 6 more months of life. But what kind of life? She can't do anything for herself anymore. She lost all her independence. When I asked her why she chose this way of life, her answer was....because my 24 year old Brother is eligible for parole from state prison in 9 months. I am angry. I am sad. I am feeling so many things. So here I am back home in Florida barely able to function. My Husband and Daughter (Yes Kim who is 17 years old now) are both pissed at me for going up there in the first place and now I am a mental mess so they are even more pissed at me. I feel I did the right thing but I can't figure out why I feel so shitty. Thanks for letting me ramble and vent. |
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How are you? |
Czarina is going through something much like you with her mom,so you might want to get in touch |
But I would love to keep in touch. My e-mail is danettekelly@yahoo.com And if you have AIM, my screen name is danigirlflorida1 How is CZ? Hopefully she'll see this and get in touch with me as well. You and her always made me feel special and I miss you girls. |
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My Brother is doing 1 1/3 -3 years in a NY state prison. Thats all there is...the 3 of us. None of my Mom's family has spoken to her for about 30 years. All her Husbands are all dead. So she's totally dependant on the sloppy nurses at the dumpy ass hospital. If she were in a decent hospital in NYC with good nurses maybe I wouldn't feel so bad. I couldn't stay there forever. I have responsibilities here. I did all I could do and I had to leave. I just feel like shit. Maybe I should go back up for a few more weeks. I don't know. Thanks Agatha. |
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mothers and daughters. you know? nobody wants to be estranged from a parent or a child. maybe i got it wrong, but it sounded to me like your mom wanted to set the record straight with you and reconcile. that's amazing, and of course you want to be with her as much as possible during her last days. in a way, you're lucky to have had that chance, even if you don't go back up there again. she could have just died instantly from an accident and there would have been no reconciliation, no goodbyes. my mother and i haven't spoken or communicated at all in so many years now i can't even remember. i'm trying to put myself in your shoes. if i knew i had a chance to reconcile and spend her final days together making up for lost time, i think i would feel very guilty (and sad and angry) if i couldn't be with her. i would feel like shit too. what an awful situation, and i hope you continue to explore your feelings about it and your options and that you can do what gives you the most peace. |
I guess we never stop trying. You did the right thing. And go easy on your husband and daughter, we tend to take out our hurt and confusion on those we love and trust the most. We all have to have a safe place to really be ourselves, and let our real emotions out, and they're bearing the brunt of your confusion right now. They just love you and want to protect you from more hurt. Its a really hard decision, as to whether or not you should go back. Life is so fast paced these days, and we have so damned many responsibilities. Things will work out.I'll email you. My thoughts are with you. |
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