| THIS IS A READ-ONLY ARCHIVE FROM THE SORABJI.COM MESSAGE BOARDS (1995-2016). |
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But I started worrying again. My kid sees me sitting there exhausted and worn out. Then he suddenly announces that I'm being selfish. This kind of shocks me and I ask him why. He says that I'm always providing emotional support for everyone but then I won't let anyone else care for me in return. So I'm hogging all the emotional support in the house by giving it endlessly but not taking any back. Brendan either has the world's strangest outlook on life or he's a fucking Zen master. He fixed me a drink and told me that I was in his hands. That he was a self-appointed Doctor of Relaxology. He put on some soft music and just started quietly talking with me, picking my brain. My lover began talking with me too and I just found myself feeling as if my life had been saved by these weird wonderful people. I finally just began fucking babbling, telling them the whole litany of shit that's been freaking me out. I should've done this earlier. They surprised me by actually coming up with a few solutions. Then I realized what a jackass I've been, sitting there actually being shocked that my own family is coming to my aid and furthermore managing to think their way out of the box. It dawns on me that I really haven't been giving them jack shit for credit. I haven't been giving my lover credit as a father or a businessman or much of anything else. I'm trying to pull all this weight myself without realizing that while I'm running around stressing out there's somebody in the background who's gently and quietly keeping the whole show running WITHOUT making a big production out of it. And I haven't been giving my kid enough credit as...well, anything. I've been so terribly worried about him lately but the things I'm worrying about probably aren't even the right issues. Like I'm sweating the small shit while the really big stuff is floating right past me. I often forget how GOOD Brendan is. How little trouble he gives me. I love my family so much. They're at home, tucked safely into their beds. I'll join them soon. But I still can't sleep. Insomnia's been eating me alive. I'm dazed and staggering. Sleepy to the point of illness but still can't crash. But that's a lesser point. The main point is that my family has saved my ass again and again, and I love them very much. |
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Weird dreams must be epidemic or something. Crimson's told me about some odd ones recently and my kid is being plagued by nightmares. Brendan wakes up screaming a lot. He can't help it and he's always so terrified it breaks my heart. Being awakened at 4 o' clock in the morning by a screaming teenager is always kind of festive. Sometimes before Brendan fully awakens from his nightmares he'll be kicking and fighting, trying to defend himself from whatever's attacking him in his dreams. The boy is a bit frail in build but never underestimate the power of a flailing teen. It's like he's possessed. He's kicked the crap out of me a couple of times. When he wakes up and realizes what's happening he's extremely apologetic. Some of my work-related problems are getting better already. It's just that in one of my jobs, someone abruptly quit and another went on leave of absence and I've basically been doing the work of three people (for the pay of one). My lover may be getting transferred in his job which means we'd be moving. Brendan's very stressed about this and I can't say that I blame him. Although Brendan's being homeschooled, he's got a close-knit group of friends now. In a social sense, it's almost as if they're his classmates. They're all in a similar age range with roughly the same interests. It would be as disruptive to move him away from his friends as it would be to abruptly move a kid who's actually in school (in fact, I think it'd be worse). A kid at a new school will eventually make friends. Brendan's very dependent upon the friends he's got and doesn't make friends easily due to being agoraphobic. When talking about issues like moving, it's not just about US anymore. We've got a young 'un to consider. |
For three nights in a row, I've woken up at 3:30, stayed awake for an hour, fallen back asleep, and then dreamt that I've woken up again. In the dream, I'm lying in my bed and I notice I can see with my eyes shut. I can see all the furniture, etc. in the room but I feel as though my eyes are closed. Then, suddenly, there's someone sitting on my back (I'm lying on my stomach) and his hands are around my throat, pulling me upwards, and I can hear growling. I can't move at all. I start saying a prayer and I (really) wake up in the middle of the prayer. The first night it happened, I ran into the kitchen where my roommate was doing her laundry (she hasn't been able to sleep well, either) and asked her to sit with me until I calmed down. The other two times, I've just said Our Fathers until I felt sleepy again. I wish I could put into words how terrified I feel during the dream. I hope to God it doesn't happen again tonight. I need my sleep. |
3:30. isnt that the witching hour? or would it officially be 3:00? neither of us have slept well. as i mentioned last week, dreams have been unsettling. fucking cats and vertical blinds...ihear ya dougie...a xlophone effect when they jump up to watch birds. The birds like to taunt my cats. They sit on the A/C box literally inches away from the cats and the cats sit there, make strained meows and shake almost violently. Brute force just below the surface, behind the glass. yeah. im almost out of pot too. damn |
Does anybody else sleep with one leg and one arm out of the covers? I've done this ever since I can remember. And it's especially a must in sleeping bags. Even if it's freezing out, I still have to start out this way. On my back. With the crook of my right arm over my eyes. |
I've got an extra kiddo in the house now but that's not what's keeping me up. Brendan and Dorian have been behaving themselves. It's been interesting watching them in action. Makes me feel young and goofy. Makes me wish I'd had someone cool to date when I was 15. I kinda went from innocence to adulthood with no intermediate step (dating) in between. Makes me want to do silly, innocent stuff like the kids are doing now......long walks, telling silly little jokes, holding hands. We might go out to the woods together this weekend for a while. Let the kids hang out with Crimson and/or Pug while we go take a long romantic walk in the forest and get eaten up by mosquitoes. It's fun to watch the kiddies going steady. It seems like such fun that (even though I'm engaged to him) I asked Trace to go steady with me last night. He said "yes". I've never gone steady before. I'll have to take him on a date this weekend to celebrate. Maybe even a double date with the kiddos so they can celebrate their relationship too. But now that I'm going with Trace we'll have to start making out and stuff. We've both been so involved with work and other hum-drum shit that romance has suffered a bit. We're still getting along great, no problems there. Just not having quality time in bed as often as we should. Trying to make ends meet has a slight dampening effect on the libido. Which is probably the REAL reason I'm not sleeping. |
I'm about to venture into the world of living with someone, and as excited as I am about sharing my life with someone else (I've backed away from this vulnerability and dependency every single time I've come close to it.) I'm also terrified. I'm the type of person who needs to keep the excitement in her relationships. This doesn't mean hang on to the infatuation...but there has to be something. Once I get too comfortable..to the point that the romance isn't really anything but a friendship with an occasional fuck, I run. With Rex, I've got the excitement. I just hope when he moves here, we'll be able to keep it to some degree. We have to. I don't ever want to be boring. Grr. I'm in a mood. I just woke up and had a dream about someone I miss, and it's made me a little bit sad and a little bit remorse. I need breakfast. Pilate, isn't there a way to just say "Hey we need this?" in the midst of everything and do it? To keep the romance? Tell me there is. Or maybe I'm idealizing. |
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He seems to like that. I'm just worrying. (Hi. I'm an overanalyzer!) I always swore I wouldn't live with someone again until I was absolutely sure. I'm not absolutely sure...but there's also this other feeling that knows he's not going anywhere.. I'm frightened and thrilled at the same time to be able to surrender a little of that toughness I've always clung so tightly too. Does that make sense? |
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sleep is absolutely key. i have slept well of late, so maybe the government antenna that rises out of the ground periodically to broadcast submission and low level but distracting saddness during the early am hours is turned off in my area for now. i truly feel your lack of sleep. it is a true travesty, and i am sorry for you who suffer. |