He just got back from a 3-week trip to Venezuela tonight. He was robbed at knifepoint 3 times during his visit, and on the third time (yesterday) they got the gold cross around his neck that my mother gave him when they got married. he started to tell me about it, but i made him stop because it was bothering me too much. I'm much closer to my mother, but just the thought of my father getting hurt or worse, dying, makes me almost panic. There's an old Italian movie called "The Garden of the Finzi-Continis," about two Jewish families in Italy during WWII. The last scene shows one of the families in this building getting put into rooms to await the trains to take them away to a concentration camp. Everyone gets put into one room except the father, and while they're standing in line they're looking at each other, and you can see on his face that he's trying to tell them not to worry. that scene is my worst nightmare...my father dying while pretending he was all right. like tonight, he tried to make jokes about getting hurt in order not to worry us, and that just makes me so goddamned sad for some reason that i don't understand. My father is a very unusual man. He's the only truly good person I know. He's the only person I trust absolutely. He has his flaws, of course -- but the rest is just goodness and jesus christ i'm crying just thinking about this. i don't even know why i'm writing this up here. maybe i use this place too much like my public diary or something. i know i'm very self-centered and i apologize to anyone who is reading this and thinking about how self-centered i must be. my father's not self-centered at all. we get mad at him sometimes because he's too generous and lets people take advantage of him because he doesn't think enough about himself. i have that consolation at least...he's so humble and good that when he dies he'll certainly be rewarded for his life. i'll stop now. god bless you if you've read this far.

Oh,hon,I don,t even know what to say except that I,m so sorry,for you,I,ve been there.and it,s been a long time,a real long time,and I never really got over it.What can I say,at least you have a mother who loves you,and don,t think the worse,make him laugh,keep him company,let him know you love him.I,m crying with you.

It's got to be hard, imagining what you'd be without this figure in your life, and that's no doubt why you panic, the thought of him not being there. Sometimes people in relationships will have horrific thoughts of their other one dying in a variety of ways only because they don't know what they'd do without them. The thing is.. You're very very lucky to have a father like that, mine doesn't even live with me, isn't even a great person either. He drinks, he smokes, my sister lives with him, he's never home, she's always alone, and I've disconnected myself from him to save emotion, I don't want to be hurt by him. I'd give you a great big hug if I could cause you sound like you really need it, but the least you could do, is spend as much time as you can with your father, so you won't regret it later when he is gone.

I think about this sometimes too. I've been living alone since age 12. I keep in touch with my family, but we're made of many seperate worlds. I love my mother. I love my father. I don't like either of them too much though. They've made me angry through the things they've done to me. Emotional, physical and psychological pain that I'll spend the rest of my life healing from....and the anger that comes from all of this..I can't describe it. It's deeply rooted. It's not that anger you feel when you look at someone you hate...no it's more like this sunken feeling inside you. You don't react to it..you can't...it's just there and you accept it. It's anger so deep that it's a part of you. It's in your insides. And yet, I love them both and one of the few things that frightens me is the thought that they could die. That they will die. I don't want to bury my parents. I'm so very much like my mother. This angers me, but I also have a certain pride in it. I see her about once a year and each time, she looks older. When she dies...a huge part of me will too. God. I'm crying now too. Can't finish this. ugh. Real fear makes your heart clench....

Rhi - how's your father?

my friends father is dying and she is only 7 years old. when her mother asked her if she had 15 years instead of 6 months, what would you do... the father said i would like more vacations with my daughter... is there a place i may write to see if they could have some help to make his last 6 months a few more little vacations? please let me know as i am desperate to do something for them and not sure how to help them. daytoe6@aol.com thank you for any help you can give me...Dawn