How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psychopath. How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it. What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? "Dam!" What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones. What do the letters D.N.A. stand for? National Dyslexics Association. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick. What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese. What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses. What do you call five bullfighters in quicksand? Cinco sinko. What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite. What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of tree would kill you? A pool table. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck. What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef. Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him. Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones. Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They're trying to get away from the noise. Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers. What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste. What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra. Did you hear about the flasher that was thinking about retiring? He decided to stick it out for one more year. What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie? A dog that runs for help - after it bites your leg off. What does it mean when the flag is at half-mast at the post office? They're hiring.

*smiles*

10-Q! I needed to laugh.

oh those were so bad they were goood

i like the nacho cheese one.

How many nam vets does it take to change a lightbulb? If you dont know, I guess you just weren't fucking there man!

Q:How many men does it take to screw in a light bub? A:One...men will screw anything. Q:How many perverts does it take to screw in a light bulb? A:Just one...but it takes an entire emergency room to get it out!!

Q. Whuts th' difference 'tween a lesbian an' a dinosaur? A. About ten poun's an' th' flannel shirt! YEEEEEHAAAAAAA!!!!!

Q:What,s every Amish woman,s secret santasy? A:Two mennonite!

Q. How many men does it take to wash the dishes. A. None---that's women's work. OK I'm ready ladies fire away------

Do you realize 25% of all married men kiss their wife good-bye when they leave the house? Of these same men,90% will kiss their house good-bye when their wife leaves them. Not all men are annoying,some are dead.

ah shit. you're too much J. certainly took out that ponkass.

Continuing Education Courses For <some> Men 1. Meaningful Communication: Where No Man Has Gone Before 2. The Undiscovered Side of Baking: You Do It 3. Combatting the Couch Potato Syndrome: Surprise, The NFL (NBA, etc) Does NOT Require Your Nightly Patronage to Remain On-air! 4. Parties: How to Go Home with Whoever You Came With 5. Woman Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Be Done By You Too! 6. Bathroom Etiquette I: Putting Down the Seat 7. Bathroom Etiquette II: Toothpaste, On the Brush, Not in the Sink 8. Valuation: Just Because It's Not Important to You . . . 9. Communication Skills I: How to Speak Intelligibly 10. Communication Skills II: Keeping Your "Word" 11. Communication Skills III: Getting/Keeping The Girl You Want Requires the Removal of These Words from Your Speech Pattern... 12. Driving a Car Safely: You Can >DO< it! 13. Party Etiquette: Avoiding Alcohol After You Can't Stand Upright 14. Telephone Skills: How to Use One, and NOT Two Weeks After Receiving Her # 15. Introduction to Parking 16. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space 17. Overcoming Stupid Behavior: Don't Treat Her Different When Your Friends Are Around 18. Liquid Grain Storage: On Your Stomach, It is Fat 19. Cooking I: How to Eat IN 20. Cooking II: How to NOT Have Heart Attack By Age 21 21. Cooking III: How to Inflict a Diet on YOURSELF 22. Compliments: How to Give Them 23. PMS: You Try It 24. Dancing: Why Men Ought To 25. Sex - How to Slow Down 26. Classic Clothing: How To Match 27. Cleaning: She Is Not Your Momma 28. Laundry: How to Do It 29. Intense Discussion About the Functions of Your Car: For Men Only 30. Oil and Gas: Your Hair, Your Instestines. Problems NOT for Public Demonstration 31. Learning to Ask Directions 32. Appreciating Soaps, Colognes, etc... 33. "How Was I?" - Why Women Lie 34. TV Remotes: Not Your Personal Property 35. Sexy Lingerie: The Difference Between SEXY and Risque <dislcaimer> does not necessarily reflect the views of a one miss carrie ann </disclaimer>

6. Bathroom Etiquette I: Putting Down the Seat this one always ticks me off. i've noticed that a lot of women who bitch about this also fail to put the lid down. if you take the lid out of the equation, you're just bitching for no reason. seat up or down is a matter of convience: "I hate having to put the seat down when i pee" uh, hello? if it's down we have to lift it. "I fell in the toilet last night because i sat down and the seat was up." uh, hello? wouldn't you be reaching down to lift the LID anyway?

Exactly. If there's to be any hope at all, this piece of nonsense has to be retired. Besides, guys do sit (even if it's 1/8 as often as women), but I've NEVER fallen in. And that we do lift the seat before use IS being considerate.

i don't know how many times i had to piss all over the seat to prove THAT point. "really honey, if you can't put the seat back up after you pee i'm just going to have to piss all over the ring."

Shame on you

me? another thing, what's with TP consumption? if i can wipe my ass with 10 squares of TP total, you'd think a woman would be able to clean up the pee pees with less than 5.

I think it depends on the state of the "load"and the size of the ass.Personally after cleaning the toilets of many people other than mine,I,m just happy if it,s IN the toilet.I flipped out on some truckers once and made them clean the toilets at Air Products,told them I didn,t get paid enough to clean up that mess,I left my caddy there and told them it better be clean when I got back,and it was.

As always, I'm in awe of J.

The joke about the huoses is great. And I'm sure there's some hidden meaning to women's issues with toilet seats. They're way too smart to keep falling in toilets after doing it once.

i mean houses. try this.

Umm, Natorious -- not for nothing/but even guys don't shit standing up when there's a toilet on the premesis. Since defecation is a common practice btwn both sexes/voila -- we leave the seat down/becuz *that* is the most egalitarian position. Plus/those who like to have spontaneous sex in the loo (i.e. the classic Shaving Ambush Move. Guaranteed to send yr man off to work w/a big grin on his face) know that leaving the seat up usually ruins the moment. I actually have a sign in my downstaris bathroom: "This is a Woman's House. Men are welcome to visit but failure to put the seat down will result in a $50 Fine."

Are you guys really so clueless/or are you all just drunk? Women menstruate -- Hel-LO! Thus/at certain times of the month/the usual clean-up process takes more t.p. after using the toilet. Not becuz we *prefer* it that way. But becuz it just is that way. (If you'd ever gone into a public women's bathroom & found blood on the seat/you'd know why us decent women are so fastidious.)

I don't care about the toilet seat being up or down. All I care about is that someone PLEASE teach my brother how to aim. Cleaning up after my dog is one thing, but cleaning up after my 27-year-old brother is just gruesome.

No, what the gentleman means - and is clearly backed up on by years of research in the field - is that women rip through crap wrap at a pace approximately 3.5 times that of men, regardless of what day of the month it happens to be. This leaves us mildly puzzled, as the gentleman indicated. To get a real rousing gender slapfest going, take a look at numbers 8, 15, 16, and 19, above. And.....begin. As for #2, I'm the bakingest sumbitch on these boards, so back off.

maybe guys just don't wipe their asses thoroughly enough. just a thought.

Why bother? It's just going to get dirty again anyway.

Thank you, Agatha, for telling it like it is!

Ass wipe, Hell! T'em corncobbs free.

not to mention the sears catalogs.

Q:How many men does it take to change the toilet paper roll?A:We don,t know,it,s never happened. Q:How many honest,caring,men does it take to do the dishes?A:Both of them. How does a man show he,s planning for the future?A:He buys two cases of beer.

Q:Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive,caring,and good looking?A:They all have boyfriends. Q:What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every minute?A:A widow.Q:Why are blonde jokes so short?A:So men can remember them.Q;How do you get a man to do sit-ups?A:Put the remote control between his toes. Man says to God:"God,why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says:"So you would love her".""But God,"the man says,"Why did you make her so dumb?" God says;"So she would love you".

i am slapping all of you for this mundane topic............again we have somehow fallen upon nate's ass and his bathroom habits.......

Ok, there's a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde, all trapped on the fifth floor of a burning building. The firemen arrive, but they're a nasty bunch who just dropped acid. So, they all grab the edges of a big blanket and yell up to the window, "Hey, You in there! Jump out the window and we'll catch you in this blanket!" The women look at each other, all wondering who should go first. The smoke's getting thick, and the redhead says. "Aw, fuck it. I'll go first." So she jumps out the window, and at the last second, the firemen pull the blanket away, laughing hysterically. Then they move back and yell up again: "C'mon! You gotta jump or you'll burn to death!" The brunette leans out and says "But you'll just pull the blanket away again!" The firemen respond "No, No we won't! We just don't like reheads! You have to jump, or you'll die!" The brunette says "Well Ok, but you promise you won't move the blanket?" "We Promise" yell the firemen. The brunette steels herself, then leaps from the window. At the last second, the firemen pull the blanket away, again laughing wildly. They get back into place and call up again. "Hey in there! You have to jump! We'll catch you! You have to jump, or You're gonna die for sure!" The Blonde looks at and sees the twisted bloody corpses of her friends on the sidewalk, and pauses to think. "C'Mon!" yell the firemen. "How do I know you won't just pull the blanket away, like you did the last two times?' the blonde shouts. "Oh, we like blondes a lot, we would never do that to you!" say the firemen. "You have to jump! The fire's getting worse!" "Well, OK," says the blonde."But first, I want you to lay the banket on the ground and walk away slowly..." Q. How do you make an archaeologist uncomfortable? A: Hand him a tampon and ask him what period it's from.

Hahahaha! I love that archaeologist joke! I can't wait to share it.

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place: Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. --- Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. --- Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? --- Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. --- Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. --- Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost 499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500. --- Q: Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think. --- Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: Before the accident. A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it. --- Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo. --- Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes, sir. Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at? --- Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? --- Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he? --- Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? --- Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? --- Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? --- Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? --- Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? --- Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female? --- Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. --- Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. --- Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. --- Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. --- Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? --- Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Hmm, I scrolled up and read past posts... curious though, why IS it that hard for a lot of men to replace the roll of toilet paper? My boyfriend, for example, will get the new roll and set it on the counter RIGHT ABOVE the TP dispenser and continuously use it from there, until it's gone. Yet going that added bit to actually put it on the dispenser, just seems to be a feat too difficult to follow thru with. What gives? Also, what's with leaving tiny little shreds of toilet paper on the roll, for some poor unsuspecting person to discover after they've used the growler (what my uncle calls it) and when confronted saying, "No! I left some there. See!" just to get out of getting a new one? Hmmmmmmm??

i ripped our dispenser out of the wall, no one can bitch now...

I don't like TP dispensers. I like the TP where I can just really wrap my hand up in 8 ply mitts for swabbing my ass and smeg-factory clean.

The reason he doesn't put it in the dispenser is because he doesn't want to make the mistake of installing it so it dispenses from the 'over ' position rather than the 'under' position or vice versa. Let him know which way you prefer it....and watch what happens. If he still doesn't intall it.....he's a lazy sod.

I don,t use toilet paper....makes those panties I,ve been peddeling more "valuable".

MapleLeaf: If that were the case, I may understand a tad more. However, I strongly doubt it is. Besides, I'm not picky about which way it rolls off the roll, and I really am not distraught over him not replacing it. I'm just curious as to why that seems to be the case with many guys. So I thought I'd ask and see what others had to say. Not to stereotype or anything, but the only people I've ever run into that have that habit, are male. *shrug* Margaret: 'smeg-factory' clean, eh? Heh, lovely wording. J: Do you peddle them on eBay? I know they have quite the used-panties market. ;P

For the record, the shit paper (or paper towels, etc.) clearly goes OVER the roll, not under and down along the wall. Hope that clears this up from now on. It's inexplicable how many otherwise seemingly rational people can't cop on to this.

The secret is, we're all waiting to see what women will do if we don't replace the roll.

We will lock up all the toilet paper where only we can get at it/then let you figue out how to solve *that* little problem -- since you cdn't bother replacing the roll! Maybe my Dad is an exception or maybe my mother has him well-trained. But he *always* replaces the roll. He's even bitched at me for not doing so.

I just thought of something really weird. We always keep our TP on the sink next to the toilet (that's not the weird part) and I can remember that I learned my method of unrolling TP onto my hand when I was in the fourth grade. Now I'm wondering how I Used to do it and why I decided it wasn't an efficiant enough method.

my aging grandma gave us, for xmas, this strange ceramic, feminine HAND witha rose in the palm......it's odd i know, so what did we do at the waffle house? at first, we corrupted it and stuck a cigarette in it's fingers and put it behind the toilet. When angry sam came over, the cigarette was gone......so now THE HAND holds our toilet paper..........it seems appropriate

As soon as my patent #y2kbuttsareus comes through,I'm sending all the ladies, a free introductory Tp_Govenor.This handy Ronco device is a must for all coed bathrooms,allowing the girls to progam exactly how many sheets will be dispensed at a time, and electronically keeping tallys on who over uses the TP. My new Restroom Trip Policy, hereafter referred to as RTP,will be implimented into your homes.You will be alotted a given amount of Restroom Trip Tokens,{RTT},which will automatically be deposited into your personal Restroom Trip Bank{RTB}. You will only be able to utelize your RTT, after you have supplied 2 voice prints,[for personal identification], 1 in a normal tone, one under duress. When accessing the RR, your voice print will automatically deduct a given number of RTT's from your RTB,and depending on time spent in the RR and # of times TP_Governor is accessed. This should solve any RT over-utilization,and bring peace and harmony to all households.

i will not comply

AH HA ! Just as I suspected-----I think the praire dog has just shown his head!

"One under duress..." Czarina, you kill me.

ok. 1. i always replace the roll, however i have noticed that a lot of people don't. mostly men, i agree. reason? i think sem has a good point. it also might have something to do with the fact that we're trying to train ya'll not to freak out over inconsequential bullshit. but whatever. 2. a lot of women put the "ring" down, but leave the "lid" up. i was trained at an early age to leave the toilet as i found it. you will find my toilet with the LID DOWN. leaving the lid up and the ring down is just as bad as leaving the ring up, i don't care who shits how often (and that arguement is bunk, because everyone pisses more than they shit. even though i shit four to five times a day, once dinner is down the hatch i'm in booze and beer mode, and everyone knows that boosts the piss factor.) 3. Over the top. it's obvious, like marcus said. 4. 8-ply handwrap... this is what i'm talking about. yes, i realize women mensturate and all that, but when i see the TP equivlent of the sunday NY times floating in the yellow sea i start to question why it takes so many trees to knock of the last of the pee pees. 5. wtf is up with women not being able to flush? when i stumble on the yellow pond it almost always has an island. 6. you steal the tp, i'm using those frilly little handtowels that don't dry hands worth a damn.

Our house lacks water, so TP usage is limited. We generally leave seat down ring up, but since there an equal number of women and men, sometimes the ring gets left up. _no big deal_ Just put it down. At night, however, it stay down. Because I hate being half asleep and sitting on the thin rim of the toilet and _someone's_ urine by mistake. Some men just need to perfect their aim to get it _through_ the ring? Flushing after peeing is stupid. It wastes water. Unless you're mensing. Then common courtesy determines what goes on...

"even though I shit four to five times a day" ?????????????? That many times?!?! You got to be kidding, that's kind of scary....

Yeah, no shit. Shit, shower and shave in the morning and I'm good to go til the next day -- same shit, different day.

'we're trying to train ya'll'? let's not start but what i want to know is- is it really necessary to have the 'ring' separate? why can't it just be toilet and lid?

"What,s up with women who don,t flush" ? What kind of women do you know Nate? I always flush and wash my hands.I leave the lid and the ring up to show that the bowl is clean.Except at bedtime.

FB,I think Nates shit ratio might have something to do with the inordinate amount of people he keeps up there.

if you leave the ring up, there is no opportunity for paranoia about those large cockroaches that are attracted to sources of water

Uh...never had that problem.

Come on, Logic, that doesn't make sense, because they can just hid under neath the rim of the bowl itself.

In that instance, using one of those dental mirrors, the paranoid can easily relieve themselves

That,s not paranoid,it,s just smart thinking:)

"...can easily relieve themselves." Nice.

I would see where that technique would come in handy for obsessive-compulsives as well.

Oh my! My dentist is somewhat obsessive-compulsive and he has one of those mirrors.

I bet he has no bugs in his bowl,he probably looks at his mouth alot.

I don't know if he has bugs in his bowl or not,cause he keeps me strapped to the seat.But he looks like he has extra teeth in his mouth.Big ones.I don't like him. J,I mailed those tapes off Friday,you should get them early this week.

Great!!! Thanks looking forward to that:)

I got the tapes today,will listen to them tomorrow,thanks!!!

Oh shit Czarina,thanks,I,m listing to them now...you weren,t kidding they,re good.

Hard to believe they stay on the air!

Yea btw John and Stephie didn,t get fired they still had a year on their contract they quit.Walton and Johnson,it is hard to believe they stay on air....Czarina get out of the South,Bruce wanted me to tell you that:)