Some Motherly Advise from Laura

It is important that children learn to share at an early age. Start with a fifth of Cuervo Gold. Don't let your daughters see your husband's mother in daylight until you have convinced them that her genes are recessive. Don't leave a child behind. Move to DC and leave BOTH of them behind! Tell the housekeeper to keep $1,000 (cash) in her purse at all times for bail. (This will save you from giving your girls your unlisted cell phone number.) There is absolutely no excuse for a Christian young lady to be caught drinking liquor in public – especially when you consider that Seagram's 7 looks just like Original Listerine when it is decanted into a 16 oz. plastic mouthwash bottle! Have their father, preferably sober, sit down with your girls and tell them that it is one thing to have "youthful indiscretions," but they can't use adolescence as an excuse forever. Indeed, when a teenager gets to be around 40 or 50 years old, it is probably time to cut back on the binge drinking and start using those cute little cocaine spoons for stirring amaretto Coffee-Mate into your decaf. If your daughter(s) drink too much, it is probably best to avoid lecturing when (if) they get back home. After all, it will inevitably lead to the typical teenage comeback "Well, at least I didn't KILL my boyfriend while driving drunk like you did Mother!" What mother hasn't dreaded those very words? During your daughters' all-important years ending high school, try to spend over 250 nights out of town on the campaign trail talking to local television morning shows about how important your family is to you. Learn the difference between words "arrest" and "citation." This simple information can save you a world of embarrassment when friends or Jim Lehrer ask you: "So, which one of the twins was arrested last night?" Sometimes, children can interfere with your codependent nurturing of a father who jealously guards his right to be the constant center of attention. In such situations, a compromise is needed. Start by completely ignoring your children. After all, before you know it, they will be off to college (and the dean's headache), but you are stuck with a needy husband forever! Remember: The trick to being a political parent is Plausible Deniability. Spend as little time with your children as possible. That way, when you hear about their outrageous antics, your on-camera reaction will look like something that passes for surprise, which your staff can later characterize as something that passes for denial. If called in for a potentially awkward so-called "urgent" parent-professor conference, have Carl Rove prepare talking points to keep the professor off balance. Even if you haven't taught since the invention of Post-Its -- and speak as if the most eloquent book you ever read could fit on one – respond to every pointed question with a glazed look and "I'm a teacher, too." If you feel bold, add something risky like "And I think education is important." Children are competitive. If one of them goes to an Ivy League school and the other can't get into the Waco School of Cosmetology without her grandfather pulling strings, remind the one not going to Yale: "Honey, you're a Bush; no one expects you to be bright." I always tell my gals that the press is the opposite of their father: They know more than they talk about. Don't trust them. But, darn it, if they haven't learned how to hide their boozing and drug use by watching Daddy and me, I don't know when they will ever learn! To teach children how to treat the servants, start with the Secret Service. While it may seem amusing to lead government agents on a high-speed car chase through a toll both near New York City or bray obscenities at them from a bar, such youthful fun can come back to haunt you when you need them to bail a boyfriend out of jail – or simply run out to a convenience store for rolling paper, Slim Jims and condoms. Make sure your girls know (before they start "dating") that it is a Christian lady's duty to approach her man's shortcomings with patience and forgiveness – and his vomit with rubber gloves and Lysol. Allow children to learn from their own mistakes. For example, encourage them in the cute idea that their father drank like a dockside sailor for years without getting a DUI. That way, when they get caught, it will be such a shock to find out that behavior has consequences, they may quit "filling up the tank" before driving in only another 10 or 20 years, too! It is important for children to pretend their parents are happy. There is no need to burden them with lies about how much you missed them since they left the nest. For example, never mention missing them in interviews. Instead, use that airtime to talk about your pets, one of which you've only had for a month or two. After all, it is easier to have a pet quietly put down if it makes a mess on camera. Being the offspring of a rich political dynasty is no excuse for not sounding like a sharecropper. Remember: no one will resent you for being one of the most privileged people in America as long as you pronounce it "Ah-mur-ka." But Jenna, you can overdo the "common touch," dear.