| THIS IS A READ-ONLY ARCHIVE FROM THE SORABJI.COM MESSAGE BOARDS (1995-2016). |
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him around several times, does he become disoriented? § If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? § Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack? § Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? § If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? § If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? § When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts", and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? § Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? § Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with. § When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? § Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? § Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? § Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? § Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? § "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? § If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? § If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? § Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? § What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? § I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me . . they're cramming for their final exam. § I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? § Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail? § If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? § You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. § No one ever says, "It's only a game", when their team is winning. § Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? § Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. § If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? § Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? |
§ If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? |
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain. I'm in shape. Round is a shape. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window? Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac? You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too." Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore. |
Why can't there be more suffering? |
He says that this was rated as the best joke ever: Two friends were out hiking in the woods in Colorado. One of them was bitten by a poisonous spider, and became ill and fell to the ground very quickly. The friend called 911 and told the lady that his friend had just been bitten by a spider and was dead. The operator on the other end replied: "OK sir, I understand that you said you think your friend has been bitten by a spider and is now dead. Can you make sure he is really dead for me, really quickly please?" The friend responded "OK, hold on, just a moment". he put the phone down and there was a brief pause. The next thing the operator heard over the line was the sound of two gunshots. The friend then returned to the phone and said "OK, he's dead, what next?" |
The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court. But custody of the children was a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Judge, when I put a dollar in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?" Curmudgeonly & Skeptical |
In Jerusalem, she heard about an old Jew who'd been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for as long as anyone could remember. She went to the Wailing Wall and waited for him to arrive. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview. "Rebecca Smith, CNN News. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?" "For over fifty years." "What do you pray for?" "For peace between the Jews and the Arabs. For all the hatred to stop. For our children to grow up in safety and friendship." "How do you feel after doing this for fifty years?" "Like I'm talking to a fucking wall." |
Trivia Statistics show that nearly 75 percent of American women wear a bra that is the wrong size. It's against the law to stare at the mayor of Paris. In Kentucky, 50 percent of the people who get married for the first time are teenagers. It takes about 12 ears of corn to make a tablespoon of corn oil. Chinese gooseberries didn't sell well in the U.S. until grocers renamed them kiwis. The federal government owns 20 percent of the land in America. Horses can't sit. All 10 of the 10 largest hotels in the U.S. are in Las Vegas, Nevada. The average newborn cries 113 minutes a day. The phrase "What's up, Doc?" was first spoken by Bugs Bunny a 1940 cartoon called A Wild Hare. On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year. Humans and giraffes have the same number of neck vertebrae‹seven. Chaetophobia is the fear of hair. A eunuch can't grow a beard. In the Middle Ages, chicken soup was considered an aphrodisiac. The average smell weighs 760 nanograms. Blue-eyed, white cats are often deaf. The population of the entire world in 5000 B.C., according to the National Population Council, was five million. An estimated one in five Americans don't like sex. Twenty percent of all road accidents in Sweden involve a moose |
They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America." President Bush says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do." The Saudi whispers "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek." President Bush laughs, leans toward the Saudi, and whispers back, "It's because it takes place in the future...." |
I woke early one morning, The earth lay cool and still When suddenly a tiny bird Perched on my window sill. He sang a song so lovely So carefree and so gay, That slowly all my troubles Began to slip away. He sang of far off places Of laughter and of fun, It seemed his very trilling, Brought up the morning sun. I stirred beneath the covers Crept slowly out of bed, Then gently shut the window And crushed his fucking head. |
More and more prominent Americans are signing the "Not in My Name" petition urging President Bush to keep Saddam in power. Signers include "concerned citizen" Ben Dover, Du Mba Sanostrich of the highly respected Neville Chamberlain Society for the Denial of the Obvious and Youcommies Are Nuts of Crush Murderous Dictators Inc. Actually, I hate to sound suspicious, but is it possible that last name is a fake? |
The Times of London has a hilarious account of the Iraqi "election" campaign, which the Reuters "news" service "reported" on as if it were the real thing. Here's the Times' take: Despite the inevitability of Saddam's victory, his ruling Baath Party is taking the referendum seriously. It has a slogan: "Yes, Yes to Our Beloved Leader, Saddam Hussein." Election posters bear Saddam's smiling face and a message proclaiming that the leader's heart beats as one with his people. Party officials have chosen the Whitney Houston song I Will Always Love You as the campaign theme tune. The song accompanies the dawn-to-dusk election broadcasts on the three state-controlled television stations, which feature almost continuous footage of Saddam. He is shown praying, kissing children, firing an ancient rifle one-handed, waving to the masses and striking heroic poses. Here are the lyrics for "I Will Always Love You" (which was actually written by Dolly Parton): If I should stay, I would only be in your way So I'll go, but I know I'll think of you ev'ry step of the way . . . Bittersweet memories That is all I'm taking with me So, goodbye Please, don't cry We both know I'm not what you, you need By selecting this as the campaign theme, do the Baathists mean to suggest that Saddam will soon be departing from the scene voluntarily? |
(2002-10-11) -- Despite evidence indicating a terrorist attack on a French oil tanker Sunday, Yemeni officials continue to seek other explanations for the incident which killed one crew member, injured 12 and crippled the ship. At first they said it was a fire on board, but when closer examination revealed the hull blown in, not out, Yemeni authorities still doubted it was an attack. When investigators on the scene found pieces of another boat, the Yemenis suggested another scenario. "Okay, so a fisherman in a small boat hooks a really big fish," a Yemeni spokesman explained. "And since it's in the Persian Gulf, it has ingested small amounts of oil all of its life. And the fish is so big, it pulls the boat toward the tanker. And then...stick with me here...a crew member tosses a lit cigarette overboard just as the fish reaches the side of the ship. It hits the oil-soaked fish and KABOOM...Did I mention it was a blow fish?" |
(2002-10-11) -- Now that Israel and the Palestinians are friendly neighbors, and the people of North Korea enjoy America-like freedoms, former U.S. President Jimmy Carter has been awarded the Nobel Peace prize. The five-member committee praised decades of "untiring effort to find peaceful solutions to international conflicts." "Mr. Carter's efforts in the mid-east have resulted in the peace enjoyed today by Israelis and Palestinians alike," the committee said in its citation. "And the people of North Korea have only Mr. Carter to thank for the lavish lifestyle they now enjoy, in peaceful harmony with South Korea." A spokesman for the former President said he plans to use the $1 million (US) prize money to buy a lovely summer home in the Gaza strip. |
Yemen is speaking out of their asses because they dont want their landscape to look like fucking Kandahar. |
These are quotes from WSJ Op/Ed section (I doubt you read a capatilistic imperial paper like that) and from Scrappleface.com; We Report, You decipher Jokes Silly.... |
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i know this spunk. please. buy a clue. they are editorial humor from a news paper based on fact (at least the Yemeni story) : "At first, Yemen, which has been eager to emphasise its commitment to the U.S.-led war on terrorism, sought to dismiss reports that the blast was deliberate." "Earlier, Yemen said for the first time that a guerrilla attack could have caused the blast, having earlier said an accidental fire had set off the explosion rather than an attack like the suicide bombing of the U.S. warship Cole in Yemen's Aden port in 2000." Yemen has been denying the obvious until very recently. |
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800 Independence Avenue SW Washington DC 20591 Subject: Hijacking Solution Dear Sirs: I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings, and at the same time getting our airline industry back on its feet. Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women, we should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers. Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman, and of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again in hopes of seeing a naked woman. We would have no more hijackings, and the airline industry would have record sales. Now, why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself? Sincerely, Bill Clinton |
For dial up users, it will take a minute or two to load, but it is definately worth it. Happy Halloween all! Drop by the House sometime! |
I know I am being ignored as of late, but I thought someone might enjoy this. |
I remember how shocked I was when I found out my cousins in Italy didn't celebrate Halloween. Poor suckers. |
It was a Celtic holiday, after all... |
oh, and greasing a fork. sweet. |
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A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her. "Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?" The clerk turned, looked her up and down, and smiling said, "Nice boobs." |
I've got one: So the Pope's driving along in the Pope-Mobile on his way to an important meeting when his ride breaks down. He's in a hurry, so he hails a cab, but the cab driver refuses to accept the responsibility because if anything happened to the Pope in his cab, it would be his fault. So the Pope tells the driver to get in the back seat and gets behind the wheel himself. Now, the Pope's in a rush, so he's hauling ass through the city, and a policeman pulls him over for speeding. But when the cop sees who's at the wheel, he's not sure what to do, so he calls his supervisor. "I just pulled over a really important man, and I don't know if I should give him a ticket or not,"' he says. The supervisor asks, "Is it the Mayor?" and the cop says no. So the supervisor asks, "Is it the President?" and the cop says no again. So the supervisor asks, "'Well, who is it then?"' and the cop says, "I don't know, but the Pope is driving him around!" |
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ANOTHER LOOK AT THE BANAL AND THE DENSE By: William Kaliher * Note to readers: Using the Freedom of Information Act newly released documents reveal the CIA remote viewer experiments failed due to the psychics reading Kaliher's articles instead of focusing on USSR installations. Just a reminder, I'm still hacked as heck about the last election. The corporations gave us two choices, dumb and dumber: Al Bush or George Gore, a socialist versus a closet socialist. Whoopie -- may as well have been Goldberg -- what a choice! Two rich boys, either of who makes a dog's hind leg seem straight. My lord, one wonders which of them would walk further to tell a lie. Gotta admit though, it's hard to dislike Jorge Bush. Not only does he talk like a regular fellow, but his warmongering provides people like Alfred E. Neuman reason to worry. And the man has guts, definitely something Albert Gore lacks. Think about the balls the man must have to claim he's waging a war on terrorism by leaving the borders open for illegal immigrants. One can only wonder which American city Osama bin Laden is relaxing in after crossing the southern border. I've got my money on Bel Aire, California. Were I your everyday billionaire terrorist, Bel Aire would be my choice for both safety and comfort, not to mention booze and broads. I could have starlets sent over to help me watch newscasts of American troops turning over rocks in Afghanistan. I've gotta admit, I understand after 9-11 why Democrat leadership is so thankful Gore didn't win the last election. Albert Gore, a man who actually makes Forrest Gump look intelligent and erudite, and Jorge Bush seem bright. I actually listened to Gore's recent war on terrorism speech. The voice modulation clearly indicates retardation, if not an Ivy League degree, and the content verifies such a diagnosis to anyone trying to figure out what he wanted to say. The nerd is a threat to the tranquilizer side of the pharmaceutical industry. Of course, Democrat leadership insists the purpose of his robotic delivery was to reach the kindergarten audience, but again the content didn't reach that scholastic level. Still, the NEA will feature the leftist lecture at their web site next to their instructional on omitting any mention of Islam when discussing 9-11 in the classroom. Judging from Gore's continual switch on Middle East, war and terrorist policies over the past twenty years, I'd hoped his handlers would get him off the flip-flops this time. Instead of the same old double speak, I was hoping he'd outline some of the ways he would have run the terrorist policy differently than Generalissimo Bush, if so many Democrats in Florida hadn't been too stupid to figure out how to punch a ballot. (Perhaps Democrat voter stupidity explains the need for Gore's monotone orations.) After all, the father of the Internet, and the man who taught Sammy Davis Jr. how to tap dance, should have some unique strategy to employ against the goat herders. Couldn't Gore have heartened all -- "love our fellow man, if they're politically correct" -- liberals with how he'd be running the war on terror? Couldn't Gore have indicated how he'd shift troops on a monthly basis from Islamic country to Islamic country to keep the Arabs off balance and upset the camels' milk giving abilities? Couldn't he have explained how his enlightened administration would have outdone Bush on the open borders policy? What kind of liberal wouldn't suggest a fleet of chauffeured Cadillacs at every border point? Some little symbolic act to let the illegal invaders know how much liberals care. The chauffeurs could aid illegals in finding welfare offices and free hospitals. This thoughtful policy would prevent illegals from suffering the embarrassment of asking an American for directions to the nearest office to fleece the taxpayer? I've come to expect superior stupidity from American politicians. But, these two clowns are really lowering the bar. Jorge Bush has tried to reach the depths set by his daddy and Bill Clinton. He certainly has repeatedly told us what a wonderful religion Islam is. I only wonder he doesn't appear wearing a turban now and again. Sources indicate the Democrat party will soon overcome having allowed Bush to out -- "love our fellow man" -- with his fawning over every insane Mullah within easy reach of the White House. The Democrat plan was to produce a pornographic film of Al Gore copulating with Mohammed El Queerdo, but unforeseen circumstances prevented completion of the film in time for Gore's foreign policy/terrorism speech. It seems Mohammed El Queerdo's body odor was a bit much. Instead, the film will feature Gore having a sexual relationship with El Queerdo's camel whose only drawback is a bit of jock itch. Democrat party strategists think this will demonstrate far more international and interspecies love than Bush can possibly overcome. However, the compassionate Republican party are no slouches. As soon as they heard of the Democrat pornographic movie scheme they prepared plan B to overcome this ploy. Inside sources indicate as soon as the Gore triple X movie appears, Air Force One will land in Afghanistan and Jorge will actually have intercourse with an unveiled and freshly shaven Afghan woman. Terri McAuliffe, soon to be changed to T. Ali McAllah, will cry foul and claim Jorge only did it by getting liquored up. I just hope before I croak we have a real American president instead of a Ivy league corporate choice. I fear one of these idiots may want to change their party's symbol from a donkey or elephant to a camel before they're through with us. "Published originally at EtherZone.com : republication allowed with this notice and hyperlink intact." |
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At age 12 success is having friends. At age 16 success is having a drivers license. At age 20 success is having sex. At age 35 success is having money. At age 50 success is having money. At age 60 success is having sex. At age 70 success is having a drivers license. At age 75 success is having friends. At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants. |
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1-1/2 cups unsweetened shredded coconut 1/3 cup sweetened condensed milk 1 egg white 1 tea vanilla extract combine coconut and milk in bowl with spoon. beat egg white until stiff and fold into coconut along with vanilla. shape into balls and bake on *greased* cookie sheet at 350 degrees, about 8-10 minutes, or until just starting to brown. you can melt white or dark chocolate or both and dip them in after the cookies have cooled. these were a big hit at my company xmas party last night. almost as popular as the white russian egg nog. |
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condensed milk is full o' sugar. i'm not sure about the carb count of coconut. |
Bill Kaliher |
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I would like to start using some of your work as points of reference here |
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Also see that he's totally misunderstanding aspects of certain Islamic sects - thought he was a little smarter than that. But since he seems to have sunk himself totally into the conservative anti-insight bunker, I guess that a borderline racism/anti-non-western culture attitude is to be expected. |
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(love the web address) |
i'm glad that, unlike agatha, who has to actually work with people like spunky on a daily basis, i do not. because i'm beyond even faking comradery or civility with people like spunky. it gives me a stomach ache to endure their phobic, ignorant gibberings without being able to call their bullshit. it's no secret here that i'm an admirer of the rude pundit and that's because reading his editorials relieves that stomach ache. i suppose that's what ann coulter's bile does for the modern conservatives. but there's a big difference -- she's wrong and he's right. coulter couldnt write about bill clinton assraping his leather slave in the basement of the white house like the rude pundit does about cheney or rove because clinton didn't represent or cultivate homophobic policy like rove or cheney do. for coulter to do it would be just piling on to the hate. for the rude pundit, it simply illustrates the hypocracy of an administration that claims "morality" as one of its strengths and yet, for example, allows a gay, male, military escort, who posed as a reporter even though his credentials were virtually non-existant, unprecedented access to the white house, often for no apparent reason. besides, the rude pundit is a marginal political figure at best. coulter's presence is much more powerful. but i've been thinking, and the rude pundit's been saying for years now that there is no longer such a thing as bi-partisanship. and just today, i read this post by a much more reasonable blogger named digby. now, he's mostly referring to our elected officials in the government but i, personally, feel this extends to everyday life. we liberals are giving up ground that we have no reason to, only to seem "nice" or "civil". i feel that it is uncivil not to challenge right-wingers like spunky. his side is selling the power and freedom of the american individual to multi-national corporations and it may be too late to stop them but it will never be too late to call them a bunch of assholes. |
And thanks again for introducing me to the Rude Pundit. He's a daily read for me. Agatha works with rabid right-wingers every day? How does she cope? |
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there wasn't a photo first time i went there. christ trace...you look like your special ed class took a supervised trip to the pool. and why does it have to be "spunky texan"? aren't you from kansas? my sister's husband is from kansas. nice guy, but simple as a corn cob. |
bottom line, they fucking hate you. maybe i became engaged because i have a daughter. i don't know. i just know that if i wanted to live like a chinese person, i'd have moved to china. these bastards are bringing china here. fuck them. |
i'll let agatha tell the story, if she's so inclined. but, yeah. i work solo, she works with a group. i mean, you know, i interface with people but i don't have to deal daily, face to face, with a team or workgroup. me likey. and lucky. |
