Ok here's the deal...Antigone's personal ad on nerve.com bites big hairy dog balls. We all know he's a superb catch, but he needs some inspiration, especially for an opening line. At the moment it's something forgettable like "boring bloke seeks chick". It needs to be short and cute and attention-grabbing (not unlike Antigone, well the cute part can be correct on his good days anyway). And if you can think of other stuff to put in there, that would be good too. The prize is that Antigone will name his first-born after you. 1, 2, 3..go.

i like that, "boring bloke seeks chick." what's wrong with that?

"7 footer and hands to match seeks..."

How about ,I'm a man who can think without my penis?

Hmmm... "Boring bloke seeks chick who can think with his penis"?

"I am Jack's raging hard-on" "I am personally responsible for the sins of the world." "A special and unique snowflake" "Penis Genius seeks chick for brainstorm.

i like all of tbone's except the first one, and especially the snowflake one.

cut the shit. mine's the best

But my hands don't match...

sitdown shutup.....you want this to work? You don't sell a car on its engine performance while knocking its hubcaps do you?

antigone, did you actually ask for help?

since when did we ask first when offering advice. tell me about your salsa agatha.

we never ask first. i was just curious. what would you like to know about the salsa?

Moi? Ask? Not really. But I did whine to Cat that sem was getting attention about his ad. She must have taken pity. She's such a mother goose. :-) My nick on nerve personals is "michio" if anyone cares to look.

well i inquired about a thread or two below....did you not read that?

antigone, have you gotten any responses? i will look later, i can't look from work. salsa. i'll go look.

Nope... Not a single hit. So any help would be greatly appreciated. :-)

ditch the black denim dork shorts.

Waitaminute -- where's the ad? Can you post a link?

i'll do my best, but not til after work.

white "wife-beaters" only. nerve.com RC under the name "michio"

Okay, I found it under michio. (You have to join to access the Personals so I don't think posting a link wd work.) Nice pic too, Antigone. You're pretty buff, dude! You got nice legs -- pose in shorter shorts. Y'know/like the those gym shorts guys wear to play hoops in. (The short ones/not the pro- baller-length ones.) Here's what he said abt himself (minus the personal stats): -------------------------------------------- The tip of my iceberg Last great book I read: Kahlil Gibran's 'The Prophet' 'Nonzero' by Robert Wright Mary Gentle's 'A Secret History: The Book of Ash #1' Most humbling moment: The time I sang George Michael's 'Faith' in broken Japanese in front of my sophomore Japanese class... Favorite on-screen sex scene: Janeane Garafalo masturbating in 'The Truth about Cats and Dogs' Celebrity I resemble most: I look like John, sing like Paul, bullshit like Ringo, and wander the earth like George. Best (or worst) lie I've ever told: I don't lie. (That might be it...) If I could be anywhere at the moment: ...I'd be everywhere. (It's a quantum thang...) Song or album that puts me in the mood: Just about anything off Heather Duby's 'Post to Wire' or 'Thru With the Two Step' from Robert Plant's 'Principle of Moments' The five items I can't live without: Consciousness. My cat. Mu. MP3's. Truth. Beauty. That's more than five. I need more than five. Fucking sue me. Fill in the blanks: Eyes closed is sexy; Eyes open is sexier. In my bedroom, you'll find: Questions...so many questions... Why you should get to know me: Jesus Christ owes me $5. I sweat ambrosia. I'll listen. Some people call me the Space Cowboy... More about who I'm looking for: Honesty. Intelligence. That's it. --------------------------------------------- Well, it's not godawful but it cd definitely use a bit more wit & humor. Thanks to all this talk abt salsa I'm hungry now & I can't think when I'm hungry. Lemme get some lunch in my tummy & I'll try come back w/some suggestions. (Did you consider posting a picture of you w/yr cat(s)? You definitely get Cute Points when the ladies get to see yr cats. But do NOT pose w/yr car -- I hate when guys pose for ads leaning on a car.)

do NOT post a pic with your cats. girls will walk all over you.

shorter shorts would definitely not do it for me and no cats no cats if you were going to change the picture i'd go with the shadier more mysterious black and white type

I third the no cats suggestion. I also thought there was an appropriate amount of wit and humor in the ad. Antigone, you sound substantive and well-rounded and interesting in your ad. I made a passing wince at the mention of "the Prophet," but if that's the truth, that's the truth. Please, though. No cats.

you like heather duby? my boyfriend's band played with her last week. she sings real good. his band also played with the trachtenburg family, whence agatha got her salsa recipe. I wear basketball shorts to the gym. they are very unsexy.

haha. cyst used "whence".

I wanted to impart an archaic and formal tone to the passage. no, goddamn, I am so tired. the neighbors upstairs have super creaky floors and last night they started fucking at 3:30. instead of the occasional creak, it was like creak-creak-creak-creak-creak-creak-creak, I mean, like crystal meth and a rocking chair or something. and it was sort of hot so everyone had their windows open, and the sound echoed in the narrow space between the buildings. I would so much rather hear people fuck at 11 than at 3:30. I have ear plugs, but they're not really comofrtable. need to find better ones. today I appreciate the idea of living alone among the redwoods.

Yeah, what's the deal with "whence"? Isn't "from whence" redundant? I usually see it written that way, but I always thought that it meant "from where."

so, my take on this would be a couple-fold: 1) denim shorts which AREN'T cutoffs look stupid on everyone. I haven't even told my husband this, because he wears them, but I feel I can help. No denim. Other fabrics..yes...cutoffs...yes... 2) wifebeaters only look good in colors on women; for a preference, a loose t-shirt is preferred. Loose t-short, cutoff shorts 3) i understand the desire for the body shot, because you're trying to establish up front that you've got a good bod...but closer up on the fave; maybe just a torso shot...and go artier. way artier. 4) i thought it was funny and smart and self-confident and intersting. were i interested in dating outside my marriage and zip code, i would probably respond. 5) not lying at all is unnatural.

I am unnatural.

Heather Duby should be elevated to goddesshood. Why did you wince at "The Prophet," Rhi?

It needs more about who Antigone actually is and how clever and funny he is. Possible additions: 1) Culinary suicidal - will eat garlic icecream and toadfish. Together. 2) Poetic Geek - Can construct haiku and write code. Not necessarily together.

"from whence" is redundant. but it's used in KJV. but I have a lot of problems with KJV along with its source text. whence adv. From where; from what place: Whence came this traveler? From what origin or source: Whence comes this splendid feast? conj. Out of which place; from or out of which. By reason of which; from which: The dog was coal black from nose to tail, whence the name Shadow. -------------------------------- Usage Note: The construction from whence has been criticized as redundant since the 18th century. It is true that whence incorporates the sense of from: a remote village, whence little news reached the wider world. But from whence has been used steadily by reputable writers since the 14th century, most notably in the King James Bible: “I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help” (Psalms). Such a respectable precedent makes it difficult to label the construction as incorrect. Still, it may be observed that whence (like thence) is most often used nowadays to impart an archaic or highly formal tone to a passage, and that this effect is probably better realized if the archaic syntax of the word without from is preserved as well.

whence sounds like the language overuse common among feminish professional women. but at least your usage is correct, cyst. my favorite uppity feminish phrases involve misuse of I instead of Me. "I couldn't believe that greasy, chauvinist asspipe was even talking to Esmerelda and I."

shaneghatts nerve.com

thank you nate, people argue with me all the time when i correct their damn corrections regarding the use of "I". HAHAHA i know i can't spell, but i'll be damned if i don't loves me grammer.

dirty dirty. shame on me.

Antigone, write this: "Darling one, read my words and hear my heart speak of a love soft and undying: a love that will be with you always. Sincerely,' yatta, yatta, yatta" oh, and don't forget the ever important 'No Fat Chicks'

something about that picture, antigone... it's not bad, but it's not what i would put on a personal ad. you look like you're posing, and you have too much of a shit eater grin. hope that wasn't too frank. the only other thing i would change is the sexy sexier thing. also, do you really care whether or not the chicks have been to grad school? if you don't, then you should change that too.

that sexy sexier thing is lame.

hehehe Wisper. You funny girl. "No fat chicks" hehehehe. I wish Moonit was here. She could point Antigone in the direction of the Super Greg page for some handy hints on getting sheilas. Not that we're 100% sure Antigone is not Super Greg.

where is moonit, anyway? "want to have some and eat it too?" i don't know. be cryptic.

I'm pretty sure Antigone and Super Greg are different people, but then, I've never seen them in the same place together. Headlines for a personal ad are a bear to come up with, I think. You need something to catch attention without sounding like a moron or a loser. How about "Ce n'est pas une personal ad"? See what I mean?

did you ever see super greg made it to the madonna video....and even some dumbass commercial?

super greg was invented for the dumbass commercial. super greg is owned by lee jeans. no body is looking at my personal ad. i'm so sad now.

I looked at it. It's a view of you I've never seen before...

AHAHAHAH FUCKO!

I've seen that view. I was talking about your urethra.

I saw yer ad antigone. Like me, you need a new photo. You sort of look like a pro wrestler in yours. You should use a head shot. I haven't looked at nate's yet.

I don't know whether to be disturbed or amused.

Nate -- what's yr name @ Nerve so I can read yr ad? And I still say posing w/yr pets is a good thing, Antigone. I like seeing a guy in a candid shot in his own home w/his own stuff around him/rather than some random posed picture. And some chicks are allergic or don't like pets at all/which wd become a HUGE issue down the line. I won't go to anyone's house that's got Pit Bulls or Chows/unless they keep them chained up outside/becuz I'm scared of those breeds. Once bitten/twice shy.

chiuahuas bite more frequently than pit bulls. i made that up. i already posted my nerve name. i won't do it again. i'm amused, sem. you might as well be too.

If you could add sound files to the ads, you should've had the verse from "Weapon of Choice" that goes: "Walk without rhythm and you won't attract the worm..."

i was beginning to wonder if i'm the only person who liked that song. i'd love to get some video editing equipment together so i could put that as the sound for the "hakuna matata" segment of "the lion king." can you see it?

all you need it two vcrs. just attach the video part (Yellow) from play to the record vcr, and the Red and White (audio) from your cd player to the record vcr.

all i want to know, nate, is what the fuck is that thing on the side of your penis? it looks like a chunk of something. it freaked me out.

Me too.I posted about it on another thread.

Nothing compares to SuperGreg and his primo mullet. I like the ad, but I think the more natural photo thing would be better, that pic is kinda intimidating. Nate, your ad made me laugh, <sarcasm> I can't imagine why you haven't got any replies. </sarcasm>

Nate will probably get more replies than anyone else here. Actually, I think I may start calling him "Shai-Hulud." Kidding.

Shai-hulud! I love it! That's the funniest thing I've read in days, d00d...

there is nothing on the side of my cock. i don't know what you all are talking about. someone explain the shai-hulud crap goddamnit. dune reference? i never touched dune.

Anyone who gets sem's dune-fremen-sandworm reference is a geek.

So you are saying that everyone who has read Dune is a geek?

i think he's saying you're a dork sem. this is a repeated notion around here mister, when will you accept it.

i'm a dork i never read dune

I think he's calling himself a geek. I never mentioned any fremen.

semen? what? can someone explain this to me?

it's a combination of semen and frenum (that fold on the unerside of the tongue.) that's where women hold semen until they can spit it out.

so fremen would be the semen that is stored there.

fremen (frem' en), n. 1. area underneath the tongue where semen is stored after fellatio. 2. semen stored therein. -v.t. 3. to store semen unerneath the tongue. jeez, invest in a dictionary.

christal mighty.

who the fuck is just holding it? spit it out already, lame chicks. i figure, i sucked your cock to completion, i have the right to cough like a bitch when it shoots. You're going to be half passed out anyway, and have you tasted that stuff? You taste it, you will start apologizing. Happens every time. damn.

That area underneath the tongue isn't there JUST to hold semen. You can store any liquid of choice there. And small solids/providing there are no sharp edges. And what abt us chicks who swallow? If I were a guy/I'd consider it a major insult to have some girl suck me off then spit it out.

there is clearly some little crusty item on the side of your penis, nate. you seem to be in denial about it. maybe it's a scab.......... (EW!)

i admit i swallow. its rude to spit. how would you feel if yr man came up for air and reached for smints?

I kinda like that pepperminty tingle.

THERE IS NOTHING CRUSTY ON MY COCK GODDAMNIT. and it is very rude to spit. well, maybe not RUDE, but not good. a man feels like "I MADE THIS! I MADE THIS FOR YOU!! YIPPIE!! I MADE THIS FOR YOU!!" and then you go and spit it out? damn. low blow.

There is too,I saw it.

if you dont have intentions of swallowing then dont have the damn thing in your mouth when nuts bust, im perfectly ok with not swallowing, but to spit there is sort of a rejection factor involved, and well assuming your not turnin blows for 10 spots, i don't see why you can't show some sensitivity. its like being asked to take out the trash seconds after an orgasm, its just not cool.

Patrick,sometimes you remind me of SpongeBob SquarePants's, friend Patrick :)

who the fuck is that?

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

SpongeBobSquarePants is a wierd cartoon on Nickelodeon.http://www.nick.com/games/nick_games/shock_3423.jhtml?_requestid=90176

there are perfectly acceptable and even sexy ways to let er' go without swallowing. Coughing and gagging up a storm is indeed rude. Unless you're caught off guard. Warning! i need a warning!

When people talk about needing blowjob warning, I always envisioned tensing up suddenly and screaming, "LOOK OUT!" I don't know why.

I always want to say "Thar She Blows!"

I always say, "Uh oh..."

y'all are so sexy

I bet Dougie really says "mmm Cat, you're so pretty and nice" but he's too shy to let on.

Stop telling lies, Cat. You know that's not what I said to you. I said, "Damn, I know Cats like their milk, but this is ridiculous!"

i like to gargle with it. damn, that was nasty.

Yep, pretty nasty. Although it gives new meaning to the phrase, "flashing them pearly whites."

I went. I looked. Nate has a mole (or two) on his dick. That's what it is. (And why did you not mention yr resemblence to Dave Matthews?) So, if I place a classified telling people to send me a dollar & I'll send them a sheet of t.p./I'm in the clear? I just oughta do it. Just to see how many of Howard Stern's listeners respond. Or the people who find those weird ads for Jay Leno.

Really, Nate -- if you don't want people commenting on the oddities of yr penis/you shdn't have posted it on the web! (Have you seen a doctor?) And don't you have a Prince Albert or whataver you call it -- why didn't you show that off?

nate's dick looks like homemade sausage.

I would make up an ad and put a pic of my dick on it but, its so big that it would take up the whole page. Bigger than that even. Like you could not get it on the page and it would crash every thing and there would be so many ppl tryen to see it that no one could nevar get on there again. The whole damn thing would crash thanx to my mighty sleadge hammer of love. Ha.

i went to a (blues traveler?) concert a few years back with a friend and his aunt and uncle. we took a limo in and had box seats and everything. my friend's aunt and uncle started calling me dave and someone let slip to the cocktail waitress that i was dave matthews. "o! we thought so, but we weren't sure." people all around us were talking and looking at me.

That's the perfect time to start being a real asshole. You could say all the most filthy, bigoted crap and people would attribute it to Dave Matthews! "I saw Dave Matthews at Cracker Barrel yesterday!" "OMIGOD!!!!!! Didi you talk to him?" "Yeah, he's a real prick, he told me I looked like the product of a degenerate coupling between West Virginia rednecks and retarded eskimos, then asked if I wanted to touch his penis. I'm never buying his albums ever again!"

that would rock, because I hate Dave Matthews. doooo it!

I wouid like to know would any of you have or had kids,my twelve yr.old son was posting on this site you were posting to him as he was an adult.Sure you are going to say why do you not monitor his computer time. If some of you are parents you know this could happen!Who cares what the PRICKS little penis looks like!who cares if you swallow or spit!who cares what it taste like! Do you women know the reason guys are looking for head because your vaginal area is streched they look for a tighter place.Please go find a job have a family it is easy to see the hours you spend here you have no spouse boyfriend or girlfriend. Sites like this one should be shut DOWN before you hurt another child.

you know, you always wish for a post like that to come along, and then it does, and you find yourself speechless. damn

My kid posts here, too. And I think it's funny. And he thinks it's funny. And he's intelligent enough to process it, to DEAL with it. Shut down the site before another child is "hurt"? If words on a message board are doing irreparable damage to your child then both you and your offspring need to seek out some very serious help. Yes, many of us here have families and almost all of us have careers. We also have something else that you apparently don't.......a fucking LIFE. Get over it, honey.

I know you do not have a life because you would not be here.And get out with your kid show the kid something besides this crape.

I'd never really thought of this site as a giant crepe before. Maybe I would have a deeper understanding of all these posts if I put fresh fruit on them. I know I'd have a deeper understanding of Nate's penis if I put fresh fruit on it. Oh, wait, "think" probably meant crap.

"I know you do not have a life because you would not be here.And get out with your kid show the kid something besides this crape." lessee, i commend you on your use of capitalization, but seriously, you have some grammar problems that i could help you with. "I know you do not have a life because you would not be here." this first sentence doesn't make much sense. this lapse in logic can be simply remidied with some punctuation and the addition of one word. "I know you do not have a life because, otherwise, you would not be here." doesn't that make sense? other sentence. ".And get out with your kid show the kid something besides this crape." first of all, you are putting in unneccessary information. "your kid show the kid" we all know that the kid is a male, so "your kid show him" would suffice. ".And" is a simple punctuation error. ". And" one other rule is that you never begin a sentence with "and but because etc" "crape" do you mean crap or rape? both maybe? ". Get out with your kid, show him something besides this crap." much better. "I know you do not have a life because, otherwise, you would not be here. Get out with your kid, show him something besides this crap." doesn't that seem much nicer and more intelligent with proper grammar and punctuation? write all checks payable to lauren b. pez/swear.

"Do you women know the reason guys are looking for head because your vaginal area is streched they look for a tighter place" this is the best. no, ma'am. the vaginal area streching is why we're looking for asssex. the blowjobs clean the shit off our cocks.

i hope he teaches his twelve year old son the secrets to good lovin, "well, son, when the vagina gets all stretched out like your mom's, you just ask for a blowjob!" that was fucking classic. i wonder what his son's name is, and what filth we spewed forth for him.

Is it alright if I cite some hypocrisy, here? I find it kind of funny that this person is screaming about how awful this site is and how we're corrupting innocent children AND THEN starts critiquing stretched vaginas. Slight conflict of interest, no?

Me thinks whoever it is wants to get a reaction out of us. He's probably a pimply little teenager with an equally pimply little cock. Save your energy to fuck with the smart ones.

i just want to know who the supposed 12 year old is. Come on people, fess up...Jim PJ Boy, i'm looking in your direction.....

whatever happened to zephyr? could it be him? (although he claimed to be 15 or something like that.)

if that were an example of zephyr's parents, he would be walking all over them, not vice versa.

you're right.

If there was a12 year old posting here, either a. he's brilliant and we couldn't tell, in which case his dipshit parent who probably has trouble lining the buttons up with the button holes, should be proud; or b. he immediately revealed his intelligence level by saying something stupid and we all told him to go get fucked, and he started crying and told his daddy "some people were mean to me on the internet!" Either way, be glad your kid's not at somewhere worse, you un-American prissy pants retard. Thank you and drive safe.

hmmmm im with wisper, im speechless.

Agreed.

here are some possibilities: 1) m.t. is playing with us again. 2) 12-year-old posted once, then ran and complained to daddy. 3) 12-year-old posts every once in a while, until daddy checked his computer history list after catching junior on a porn site. 4) some random stranger is shitting with us. 5) an extraterrestrial has gotten on the internet and decided that that's the best way to compliment us on our intellectual abilities.

i bet it was just one of the Payphone Project wanna-phreaks. But i'm still looking at Jim