| THIS IS A READ-ONLY ARCHIVE FROM THE SORABJI.COM MESSAGE BOARDS (1995-2016). |
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Background: It is a tradition here that a garden party is held the day before graduation. This garden party is little more than a glorified barbecue...the draw is that seniors and their families get waited on by the freshmen (freshwomen?). So you go to this party, which is held on the lawn in front of one of the dorms, and you sit on lawn chairs in a circle and you eat and then you leave. Well, I don't want to go. I want to go home after convocation, and I don't want to eat with my class, seeing as I don't really know any of my classmates. I told this to my mother, who wanted to go, and she said, "you can just talk to me." I told her I can talk to her any time, and I would rather just pack up my things and leave...no party. We talked about this several times during the past month, and each time I said we weren't going. I thought that was clear. So then a few days ago she sends me an email with this line in it: >Your father wants to know about the garden party, and the times. Please do fill us in tomorrow. < To which I reply: >Okay. For the last time: We are not going to the garden party. The sign-up time and the chair-gathering time, -- Wednesday May 10 at 5 pm -- passed and went and I did not sign up or gather chairs. Therefore, we are not able to attend and instead will be going directly home after convocation on Saturday. No garden party. Home. < And then she writes: >Oh, yeahhhhhh??? Don't think we're exactly happy about NOT going to the garden party!!! - Will wait to hear from you (persona NON grata!!!) tomorrow. < Which makes me mad (what? Was I was kidding all those other times when I said we weren't going?), so I write: >Why do I always have to defer to your wishes? < To which she replies: >I would beg to differ! (excuse the pun) - it seems to me that you most often just do what YOU want to do!!! (like, for instance, not go to grad school, not go out and look for a job last summer, not write a thesis, procrastinate...need I continue???) Love, MOM < Now perhaps my anger is unreasonable, but there it is. Look what she does: First, were we talking about grad school and my thesis? No. Do you think it would be possible for her to ever have an argument in which she did not bring up past and/or tangential grievances? I don't think so either. Second, how does it hurt her if I don't write a thesis? Or go to grad school? Or get a job in the summer, for that matter? (I have never asked her or my father for money.) Why are these things offensive to her? Shouldn't it be up to me whether I write a thesis or not? Whether I go to grad school or not? Or am I stupid for thinking that I was the one in charge of my future? Thirdly: you know that she didn't actually believe I could go through with not doing what she wanted. She thought I was kidding when I said we weren't going. It was inconceivable to her that I would actually go against her wishes. Fourthly: Note the all-caps "MOM." This is her way of reminding me about her favorite phrase, "because I'm the mother, that's why," which she still uses on me and my brother. You would think that after being a parent for over 20 years, you would learn to come up with better justificiations for your nonsense. She exhausts me. Another thing: when I went home last weekend, all I heard was her picking on my father. He couldn't open his mouth without her sniping at him. So when I was alone with either one of them, each complained to me about the other. "She never listens to a word I say." "He's always bossing me around." It was so annoying. If I have to listen to that this weekend, I'm going to hurt both of them. They're like bratty little kids. They make me sick. |
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how could it hurt (this is coming from someone who really likes to make people happy) |
Nonetheless, to me graduation, weddings and the sort are things parents like to have control over. these are things they have fantasized about since you first saw light of day. They have 18+ years of preconceptions and when it doesn't go like they want or think, they tend to get selfish and pissy. To me they are often thinking of themeselves and what the Jone's would think if you got married in an off white, empire waist wedding dress rather than a standard fufu white cotton puff dress. "off white implies you have been divorced" OH MY! Nonetheless Rhi, stick to your guns, it's your day, spend it how you like. I would have told her, "ok, you want to go, GO, eat hot dogs and be merry? I'll see you at home....." Also, perhaps you mom is tightning her grip simply because you guys are growing up and growing out, she may start to miss being needed (ergo the nagging on your pop). Your a psych major, you know more about this than I do. By the way, Congratualtions Miss Rhiannon for graduating, I am very happy for you and I know whatever you do you will be good at it. Regardless, enjoy your life, these are some of the best years (not to sound too cliche)to come. Oh yeah , by the way the grad school thing, i witnessed that pressure from my pop and ma in-laws. Nico wasn't ready to go to grad school, she had busted her ass for 4 years and graduated with honors and wanted time to live a little, they didn't understand that and pushed her regardless. It absolutely annoys me to see parents push their kids, especially the older they are ,to do things that the children may not want to do. I have learned that once your parents truly realize you are an adult and can make your own decisions, the better things will be. Once i got married and did shit on my own, for several years, without her help and never looking back, she actually started respecting me as an individual. It took time, and many harsh words to get there, but my realtionship with my mom has never been better, she just doesn't nag and criticize me anymore...... |
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Thanks, guys. You're all right (as in "correct," and also as in "good eggs, all of you"). Everything's kind of falling apart right now (graduation, people moving out, career changes) in the family...but things will settle down soon and then everything will be okay. And I'm planning on moving to Maryland with a friend of mine in the summer (Miss Scatterbrain herself is going for her Ph.D. in Philosophy at the U. of MD, and "sensible" me has no idea what's up...maybe I'll work at a record store or something), so I'll be on my own soon enough. And if it rains tomorrow, the whole garden party thing will be moved into the gym, and the family will get to have their hot dogs after all. :) |
I can't help myself. |
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Rhiannon, you ever get that package? I'm loathe to send those photos your way if you ain't gonna get'em. |
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my mother hounded me into going to my college graduation. it was fucking ridiculous. my university had like 33,000 students, and I was graduating five years late. but anyway. parents are freakish. after years of saying, NO, DUH, I AM NOT GOING TO THE FUCKING CEREMONY, I finally relented. it was clear that their going meant more to them than my not going meant to me. so what the hell. it's a fucking garden party. you'll live. you know? |
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I already am masturbating for the rest of my life, it would appear, so moot point. sorry if I am grumpy today, feeling down today. I should go eat some ice cream, that may help. |
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