I done been a mother for less than a year now. I already learned a whole lot about what make kids tick, almost as much as my mama Reverend Mother Henrietta Hickey. Children practically take over your whole life during their first year. That's the way it supposed to be, though, 'cause it's only by staying out of the office and the beauty parlor and the corporate bedroom that mamas are going to raise their kids right. If you spending all your time out there wearing short skirts and perfume making money on sex appeal (like a common you-know-what on the street), who be watching your babies and teaching them right from wrong? Some illegal immigrant babysitter who got six of her own kids and don't speak English right? I don't think so. She may be able to make pablum from scratch, but she ain't the kind of woman you want bringing up your children. Maybe you got yourself some maid from uptown to look after your kids. She going to be too busy watching "Wheel of Fortune" and Jerry Springer to pay attention to your babies' needs. She'll let him run around in dirty diapers until she see who win the big jackpot. If you got digitronic cable or one of them satellite dishes that beam in dirty shows from outer space (don't think the demons on Venus ain't interfering with the transmission and making all the soap operas and daytime movies extra dirty), that kid going to be waiting till Tony finally marry Laura before he can sit down without getting his legs all dirty. Maybe you leave your lazy husband at home while you out winning bread for your golden breadbox. Any man who heat up formula and wash clothes all day going to turn his boys into sissies and his girls into dykes. God don't approve of homosexuality, and it get started when you have weird sex roles going on in the home. Men need to work outside the home, preferably with their hands, and women need to stay home the first few years after a baby be born and cook and clean and toilet train their offspring. Your alternative methods ain't going to work. I recently noticed that even baby boys get all hard sometimes. I'm talking about their little willies if you didn't know. Mama say that ain't nothing to worry about. She say a boy's little willy is extra sensitive to heat and cold and get all hard and then get soft again a half a dozen times a day. I hate to say this, but this time she wrong! I talked to my husband, and then to several bruthahs in the Church. They all say when a man get all hard like that it mean he be thinking nasty thoughts. I know little boys only seven months old can't be thinking any real dirty thoughts, but I decided I ain't going to take no chances. I remember how my adopted bruthah Elijah was always sneaking off in the corner to play with his old thing. You don't know how afraid I was he would leave a wad of his nasty old stuff in the bath tub and that it would worm and slither around like it do and get up inside my holy place when I was in there trying to get wash. For three whole years I kept my knees together whenever I took a bath so wouldn't nothing get me pregnant by my bruthah -- even though he never touch me like that. I don't have no girls yet, but I might. My husband's already started to whisper things in my ear and get all cozy in bed when he home. I decided I'm going to slap little Cornelius's hand whenever I notice he got him a boner. I going to tell him, "No! Nasty!" so he get the message. I know a lot of you slutty women out there who don't think nothing of spreading your legs wide upon when the Curse be on you and saying to your husbands (or lovers if you fornicating or adulterizing), "Come and get it while it's all hot and sticky, honey," will say I be abusing my baby. You all wrong. I know some of you touch your sons' willies to calm them down. Sadie Mae Glutz, that Manson killer who told trashy old Sharon Tate she didn't have no sympathy for her ("b****"), brag that she sodomize her son's willy with her mouth to get him to stop crying. That kind of perversion AIN'T going to be allowed in my house. Ain't NOBODY going to touch my son's private parts except to wash them. If any of you all still letting your sons run around uncircumcise, WOE unto you. That filthy little foreskin they got down there going to rub their willy right and left. I know of some uncircumcise boys who got boners all day. They can't help it. When that happen, you got to take them to a good Church and have their nasty little foreskins cut off properly. Take them to a doctor if you prefer, but whatever you do get rid of that foreskin. If you don't, you'll start finding nasty-smelling chunks of smegma all over your bedclothes. And if you get them in your washer you ain't never going to get no laundry clean in there no more. By the time they 10 you going to have your spontaneous seed dribbling to deal with. You never know where it going to turn up. Can you imagine a mother knock up by her own sex-craze son who can't stop playing with himself. I know it happen in your more liberal homes every year. And don't think that just 'cause you don't got no little boys running around with hard willies that you ain't got nothing to worry about. Little girls can get all turned on at a young age too. Mama done told mew how some of you already notice your little girls rubbing their private parts against bedposts. They need to be slap and told they being NASTY. When I was growing up we had this nasty little girl in our neighborhood called Mindy. Don't you know she walk around all the time with her hand shove down in her pants. She was fingering herself all the time -- and you could smell her filthy funk from 5 feet away. Once she had a bag of peanuts and offer me one. My mama told me don't you dare take nothing from that little tramp. "Her mama obviously don't know how to raise her to keep her hand out of her private parts. She dirty and nasty and you need to stay away from her."

Is that what you sent him?!

That was pretty amusing. Too bad there are folks like that out there - what screwed up kids they must have.

no no spider. i'm still waiting for inspiration.

Oh. Okay.

This was very....umm, whats the word i'm looking for?....hilarious, insane and a little provocative. I mean who the hell would put something like that on the internet especially! get a life you crazed sex addicted female! Talking about little kids messing with themselves!