It's been a long time Drunken Ramblings: It's been a long time

By J on Thursday, September 13, 2007 - 02:52 am:

    I quit drinking for not one,not two,but several months but tonight I'm tanked.I try to be strong,but I had to watch 4 grandkids today and all I can think of is what did I ever do to deserve this? Seriously,they were all good but Carson and as much as I love him,what a pain in my ass.Here he is,being himself
    The kid has lungs of steel,I can't hear myself think,today I cried and I'm no puss.I had my kids,didn't put my family or s/o's through this.
    And to tell you the truth,I'm pissed off that Carson's mom didn't ask me before she spawned again if I was going to have to watch him,she has a mother in Boise that could step up.
    I must sound like a bitch,but today was really bad,did I ever mention I have high blood pressure?
    If anyone still reads the WAYD board,I posted about my friend Jana passing away,I feared she took her life,she did in a way and this just breaks my heart.
    I had been a friend with her since I was 17 and she was 23,I felt sorry for her,her father raped her and she got pregnant by the creep and her prestigious family sent her out of the country for an abortion,but she was ruined after that.
    She loved babies,angels,and heart shaped rocks.Long may you run.

By Antigone on Thursday, September 13, 2007 - 03:42 am:

    My ex girlfriend did the same thing. I'm not sure if she had anyone assisting her, but it's entirely possible.

    I feel for you, J.

By sarah on Thursday, September 13, 2007 - 06:56 pm:

    how awful. i'm sorry to hear about your friend J.

By droopy on Friday, September 14, 2007 - 03:20 am:

    i remember reading about your friend on the wayd board, but too late to say anything about it.

    i had a cousin kill himself not long ago, but we weren't close. it still came as a shock to me, though. he seemed to be living life to the fullest. then one day he started having health problems - blood clots or something. then one day a cop found him dead at his house.

    i'm sorry for your loss, j.

By Dr Pepper on Friday, September 14, 2007 - 05:47 am:

    what exactly is "WAYD"? I am curious

By semillama on Friday, September 14, 2007 - 01:46 pm:

    it's "Watch A Yak Dive" - it's a board for enthusiasts of amateur Tibetan herd animal water sports.

    (sorry about your friend, J)

By agatha on Saturday, September 15, 2007 - 12:31 pm:


    I'm sorry you're having such a hard time J, but I'm really proud of you for not drinking for three months. I know this is annoying, but have you thought about joining a support group? Sometimes it can really help to talk to real live humans who understand what you're going through.

By J on Friday, January 11, 2008 - 03:49 am:

    Well I went almost four months this time Agatha and I'm going to tie one on tonight. When I first started posting here I still felt young,I feel like Methuselah now.
    Brucifer has stage four lung cancer,it's in his groin too and spreading,I have so many feelings and memories swirling in my head and I just want to scream.I hope I can pass out cause last night I stayed up doing research and I never could go to sleep.
    I want to be there for him,but I have to watch four kids all week and he lives thirty seven miles from me one way.I'm going to try and get over there this weekend and do some cleaning for him and bring him some "special" brownies,it's not enough but it's all I can manage right now.
    I'm also trying to see about hospice,he want's to stay home and from what I understand, with his doctor's referral and depending on his insurance they will send people to take care of him,clean,meals,whatever.
    But how can I help him go through this?

By agatha on Friday, January 11, 2008 - 01:45 pm:

    That's so sad. I know that Brucifer has been a good friend to you for a long, long time. I wonder if it would be a nightmare to bring the kids with you? Sometimes it can be helpful for sick people to be around youth, and you can teach the kids some valuable end of life lessons. Too many people need you, J, which is a testament to your dedication and your kind heart.

By J on Sunday, January 13, 2008 - 06:55 am:

    Well,C is only 8 months and he's scared to death of the vacume,and little J is 14 months and she doesn't like it either,My angel K just turned 3 and she'll tolerate it now,but I only have two carseats and O who is 6 is a handful anywhere we go.I really want to clean his home and I can't with the babies.But he's back in the hospital now anyway,they had to drain his lung today.He's been fretting about about his house,he's very neat.I hope Czarina gets here soon,at least she can understand this medical stuff,it all sounds bad to me.You know I've lost alot of friends in my life,but not like him and not like this,he,Czarina and maybe my husband and a couple more friends...they're gold,so valuable,so dear.Thank you Agatha for your kind words,you are so sweet. I'm just scared(for him) and confused and I don't really know how to deal with this.Maybe if we can get this hospice business taken care of,I can just visit with the kids and not worry about cleaning.I just want to do right by him.

By semillama on Thursday, January 17, 2008 - 07:16 pm:

    Definitely go for the hospice, J. They will really improve his end of life experience. My dad helped establish a hospice center in my home town, and it's one of the best things he's ever done (besides spawn me, of course).

    Hang in there, honey.

By Dr Pepper on Friday, January 18, 2008 - 02:10 am:

    semillama, can I ask you a question about hospice? who pays for the patient's stay at the hospice ? I am curious. I know a guy who worked for the hospice on his third shift. this bring curious on me.

By semillama on Friday, January 18, 2008 - 01:42 pm:

    I believe most hospice organizations are volunteer-driven, but I don't know for sure.

    (seriously, where did you learn English grammar??? For someone who claims to be a native English speaker, your sentence constructions read like someone who has learned it late in life as a second language - a working knowledge but still revealed through odd sentence structure. Not a criticism, but let's say it bring curious on me.)

By heather on Friday, January 18, 2008 - 03:08 pm:

    you're going to make sarah mad again!

By sarah on Friday, January 18, 2008 - 05:53 pm:

    what makes me mad is that the questioning continues.

    consider this: how many times would you ask, say, a coworker or friend a question that they avoid answering directly over and over and over. no matter how many times you ask, now matter how many different ways you attempt to frame the question, it is never answered and your curiosity is never satisfied. how many times would you ask? when would you eventually give up?

    besides, who the fuck cares?

    it's utterly ridiculous.

    make believe.

By sarah on Friday, January 18, 2008 - 05:56 pm:

    btw, i had to put my cat, Nug, to sleep this morning. he got, apparently, a sudden blood clot that paralized him from the midsection down, and was inoperable.

    he was a little over 10 years old.

    his twin sister died four years ago, got hit by a truck.

    i brought them both to texas with me from hawaii. they were born in Kaneohe at this woman's house who ran a cat rescue.

    RIP lil Nug Nug.

By beta on Friday, January 18, 2008 - 09:33 pm:

    Wasn't this as settled as it is likely to ever be when someone brought up the (exceedingly likely, imo) possibility that by english, he meant ASL?

By beta on Friday, January 18, 2008 - 09:38 pm:

    Also, Sarah, that really blows (especially when it happens so suddenly in an otherwise healthy pet.)

By jack on Friday, January 18, 2008 - 09:54 pm:

    people never give up with those questions.
    i can't tell you how sick i am of people asking me how i got to be so awesome, brilliant, and blindingly sexy... and i never answer...but the questioning continues.

By Dr Pepper on Friday, January 18, 2008 - 11:04 pm:

    Semillama, you insulting my english?

By heather on Friday, January 18, 2008 - 11:57 pm:

    it's an observation not an insult

By Dougie on Saturday, January 19, 2008 - 12:11 am:

    My condolences on your cat, Sarah.

By semillama on Monday, January 21, 2008 - 09:41 pm:

    Exactly what heather says, doc. Chalk up my curiosity to my interest in linguistics. I've never come across a native English speaker who uses the same grammar as you do. It's interesting, and I'd love to know the story behind it. There's got to be something. I really don't want it to just be that you type really fast and just leave out lots of words. I want you to be a melungeon or something exciting!

    Also, my condolences for your kitty, Sarah. Tell me, being a new mom, do you think that had any effect on the level of grief you felt? I always wondered if parenthood changes your perspective on relationships with animals. In case Kazu and I reproduce, I'd like to know about others' experiences.

By heather on Monday, January 21, 2008 - 09:47 pm:

    i also wrote something for sarah and sadness but it disappeared somewhere.

By sarah on Tuesday, January 22, 2008 - 02:14 am:

    thanks heather, sem, beta.

    i don't know the answer to that question. this is the first time i've ever had to put a pet to sleep, so i don't have any pre-baby experience to compare it to. i know the suddenness of it was a total shock and i cried a lot while senor and i said goodbye to him. the vet had given him an opiate, but he was in a lot of pain, so i didn't want to prolong my farewell. the quickness of it all happening was probably the hardest part. and of course, still missing him.

    i think having CJ made the grieving period last not quite as long as it would have otherwise. when Nug's sister Jessie died four years ago, it was also sudden, but I didn't have a chance to say goodbye. and yet... i think it was harder to lose Nug because, well, i can't really say why.

    perhaps because CJ is so time consuming and thought consuming and love consuming (and i mean that in a very good way), that it has given me something positive to focus on, that holds my attention away from the loss.

    except of course, there's no warm purring thing laying at my feet at night, or rolling, belly up, in the driveway when i come home. but i don't have time to dwell, because there's baby.

    that probably does not answer the question.

    but i enjoyed exploring my feelings about it. so thanks.

By sarah on Tuesday, January 22, 2008 - 02:15 am:

    also, we decided instead of getting another kitty some time soon, we're going to wait until CJ is old enough to pick one out herself.

By Dr Pepper on Tuesday, January 22, 2008 - 03:53 am:

    Like I said long ago; the system failed me....

By heather on Tuesday, January 22, 2008 - 03:56 am:

    there is no system

    only zuul

By Dr Pepper on Tuesday, January 22, 2008 - 05:19 am:

    Try again.

By again on Tuesday, January 22, 2008 - 07:09 am:

    there is no system

    only zuul

By droopy on Tuesday, January 22, 2008 - 03:28 pm:

    years ago, i knew a guy who used the construction "brings me..." or "brought me curious". he would also say "put me [curious or sad or wonderin' or whatever]"

    my favorite expression of his was "i had stupid all over me": i don't know where it came from, but i had some stupid ALL over me! drippin' off me like hard-workin' man's sweat!

By J on Monday, February 11, 2008 - 01:56 am:

    He's gone,slipped away,passed away Feb.6th at 4:55 a.m.,he would have loved that expression Droopy.
    Czarina did come a couple days after my last post on this thread and she spoke to his oncologist.He said with chemo,it would shrink the tumor in his lung and maybe buy him a year or two.So he had his chemo the next day,but he couldn't take it.His heart went crazy on him so he wouldn't do it anymore.

    Then he just shut down.I brought him a case of Ensure and some "magic cookies" on Feb.5th,but he was gone by then,he was alive but his soul was gone and he was on his way to a new beginning.

    I will never forget him,I'm so lucky to have known him,I will always love him and keep him in my heart.

    The last thing I said to him was "I won't say goodbye,I'll see you later".

    I hope I do.

By platypus on Monday, February 11, 2008 - 01:04 pm:

    Oh, J. I think that if there is any justice in this world or beyond it, you'll see him again. Hopefully healthy and happy instead of sick and tired of life.

    I'm sorry.

By agatha on Monday, February 11, 2008 - 01:04 pm:

    You certainly will.

    I'm sorry, J. He had a good friend in you.

By semillama on Tuesday, February 12, 2008 - 01:19 pm:

    My condolences J.

By sarah on Wednesday, February 13, 2008 - 12:47 pm:

    sorry to hear about your pal, J.

By Czarina on Saturday, February 16, 2008 - 02:40 pm:

    You all are very kind in your thoughtfullness.J and I lost an unbelievable friend. It was a true gift to have had him in our lives. I'm not dealing too well with his death. Sorry J, I haven't wanted to talk to anyone.I'm just trying to get by.

    His service is today, but I won't be there, I know I couldn't handle it. I'm going back in May, on his birthday, to spread his ashes in a place that was special to us.

    This ride is a strange one. I don't like it.

    Really sorry about your cat sarah. I know how hard it is. While I was in Phoenix, I had to put my moms dog to sleep. I loved that little dog.

    A bad ride all the way around.

By J on Saturday, April 5, 2008 - 02:34 am:

    Thank you for all your kind words my dear sorabji friends,Platypus,Droopy,Agatha,Sarah,Sem,and Czarina,I love all of you.My heart is heavy.

By J on Monday, April 14, 2008 - 06:12 am:

    What was I thinking? Czarina gave him the name Brucifer and she knew him longer than I did,her heart is heavy too.Of course I was in my cups when I posted above and not really thinking.

By J on Saturday, May 24, 2008 - 03:57 am:

    Czarina came out here for his birthday May 10th and we sent his ashes home,ashes to ashes,dust to dust.The world has lost greater men, but never as great as friend as you.

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