the drive by Are you pissed off?: the drive by
By Sarah on Wednesday, April 15, 1998 - 08:40 pm:
    so i'm on my way to the record store on my lunch hour to pick up some blank tapes. and i'm waiting to turn left in the left turn lane. at a light. and this man behinds me starts honking his horn and signaling for me to turn left.

    there is no green left arrow. there is no yellow light yet. there is a huge stream of oncoming traffic. i do not have the right of way.

    now, i'm an extremely aggressive driver. i'm from detroit, for fuck's sakes. but there is no way in hell i'm going to turn left into oncoming traffic.

    so the man behind me, in his faded blue box of a car, starts pulling up next to me on my left, as if to bypass me and make his left turn while i sit there. either he's stupid or does not see the traffic coming straight at him. in any case, he's about to cause a serious accident, one that i don't want to be involved in.

    so i inch up a bit and pull in to the left to cut him off - not to be rude, but to prevent his inevitable folly. he honks again. within seconds my blood starts to boil. i try to remain calm, chanting my aloha mantra. i'm wearing a plumeria behind my ear today. i'm begging the traffic light to hurry and turn yellow.

    but it's no use. this guy is determined to, for whatever impatient, irrational reason, make his left turn. and his honking persists. and he's not even a white guy.

    i'm floating above myself as i open my car door and step out of my car, right there in the middle of the goddamned intersection. i approach him. his window is down. he has the oh-shit look in his eyes, even though i'm only 5 foot 3. i say calmly to him,

    "What the FUCK is your problem, asshole?"

    he looks astonished. he says,

    "Why don't you turn left?"

    "Because I don't want to get myself killed turning into oncoming traffic."

    by this time, the light has changed. our cars are now blocking the entire intersection.

    "Get back in your car." he sneers at me.

    i lean into his window and whisper in his ear,

    "Fuck you. Next time, learn some patience and some driving manners. Now, are you going to behave like a rational human being or do we need to sit here for a while longer?"

    he looks at the traffic building up. i also look around. some people are bemused. most are confused. several are annoyed.

    he hesitates.

    i say,

    "What's it gonna be, fucknut?"

    he says,

    "I'm sorry."

    i leaned in again, whispering softly,

    "That's a good boy."

    and so i gently get back into my accord. all traffic is halted, so i make my left hand turn, with the intersection all to myself, leaving him behind.

    i pulled the flower out from behind my ear and chucked it out the sunroof as i drove away.

By Christopher on Wednesday, April 15, 1998 - 10:35 pm:
    If I was straight, I think I'd be in love.

By Spike on Wednesday, April 15, 1998 - 11:53 pm:
    No sexuality involved.....but that story rocks, Sarah. Is it complete and true? And where do you live now (that your Detroit motor skills are so valuable)?

By Sarah on Thursday, April 16, 1998 - 12:46 am:
    the story is true, although i do admit to rehearsing that scene over and over in my mind whenever i encounter people who endanger my life when they drive. but maybe it was the moon, because today was my day to really do it. i felt a lot better afterward.

    detroit driving skills are valuable everywhere, but especially here in honolulu.

By Pete on Thursday, April 16, 1998 - 06:35 am:
    God, that was good Sarah...

    I agree with you Christopher...if only I were straight...

By Jim aka PajamaBoy on Thursday, April 16, 1998 - 06:56 am:
    Go Sarah! Good think you weren't in D.C. though, cause remember that flower you chucked? Well here you'd be pushing em up!!!

    Ain't that right Pete?

By HAL-1 on Tuesday, April 21, 1998 - 10:16 pm:
    I have to say, that aside from all the obstructing comments, Sara, you are probably one of the most assertive women I have the relitive enjoyment to listen to. You have done the one thing I've refrained from doing numerous times for the simple reason that was mentioned earlier by our friend Jim aKa PajamaBoy. I live in Montana, and well to say the least we don't have that high a crime rate, but of what we do have is not pretty. I'm sure you know of the freemen, most people here are like that, they just don't brandish the guns to the press. Or the cops....... Well anyway, the same situation has happened to me, kinda, it was a little less known... But anyway I was following the law, and this asshole just was being that an asshole, he tried to pass, and well him in a really big truck of unknown make for reason it had to have been in so many accidents which doesn't say much for the guy. Anyway I was in my car a 96' VW bug. and well the contrast in size was not with me for any reason... And I was allowing someone to turn left into my lane, they had been trying for a while, and I'm requierd by law to allow them in, so I did, and guess who tried to pass, almost rear ending them??? People these days huh?

Sarah on Tuesday, November 24, 1998 - 08:43 pm:

    you can now see a prettier, edited account of the above, original true narrative at:

    whew, i'm published.

By Spiracle on Tuesday, November 24, 1998 - 09:13 pm:


By Sheila on Tuesday, November 24, 1998 - 10:08 pm:

    You were already famous, you've been in

    But this is exciting, Congrats and felicitations.

By Mel on Wednesday, November 25, 1998 - 12:48 am:

    Stranger that I am to this place, I'm glad I got read both versions of the story.

    All good things to thee, Sarah of Detroit

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